Hello I am new here but in desperate need of some advice.

My husband and I are newly married, newly together, new everything! I met him 2years ago, March of 2010, within a month he was living with me. I thought I had finally found my soul mate! Honest to god, I know that is sappy but I really did. We talked about having a baby and getting married. reason we were in a "hurry" was bc of our age, he was 38 at the time and I was 35. So, we decided to get pregnant and did so in June of 2010. To make a long story short, he started having an affair with a woman he worked with around July and saw this woman basically all the way up until I gave birth to our son. The day before I had my son, my husband proceeded to tell me that he had been seeing this woman, wanted her to move in with us "to help me with the baby". Honestly I don�t know what in the world he really was thinking. Like he really thought I would go along with that idea!! I obviously tell him no and he is crazy. I have the baby and that�s when my personal hell begins.

He swears never to talk to her again, which he does, I find out and leave with the newborn baby for a few days. I didn�t sign up for this and this is not going to work. I am not sharing my life, my family or my home with anyone else. He swears never to talk to her again, never to contact her, that he wants me and our family and will do anything to keep us.

This is the hard part. He has done everything I have asked of him, completely changed and is a new person, I truly do believe that he loves me and does not want to lose me or do anything to lose me. So how do I get past this? How do I stop being so angry with him and how do I stop feeling so inadequate? How do I stop thinking about him and this whore? I don�t want to raise my son in a broken home, so how do I fix myself? How do I become happy again? It�s been a year since he told me about her and their relationship and I still feel myself comparing myself to her. How do I get past the doubt that the only reason he is with me is bc of the baby and it has nothing to do with me? Yes, I�ve talked to him and yes he assures me that he is in love with me and never wants to be without me � why don�t I believe him? I am so miserable�..I hate it.

Okay, let's skip the looooong list of "What the HELL were you thinking?" issues and get right to what you need now.

He promised to be true to you at your wedding. He lied. You did not exact suitable assurances that would make his lying to you impossible. He won that round.

He promised to no longer contact his whore. He lied. You did not exact suitable assurances that would make his lying to you impossible. He won that round as well.

He has promised yet again to no longer contact his whore. He IS lying, as you very well know.

Are you ready to stop being "understanding", and "accommodating", even at the risk of ending this sham of a relationship you have, for the possibility of actually creating a real marriage?

Does he still work with the woman?

Is his life so completely transparent that you know what he is doing at all times? Do you have access to his cell phone and computers? Do you know where he is at all times?

You can feel upset but choose not to respond with a demand, disrespect, or angry outburst, right?

Other than that, I would say it is up to him to help you feel better. I'm not really sure from what you said above that he has done everything you asked, and it sounds like you would be CRAZY at this point if you are not worried all the time that he's going to do it again.

Have you read the materials on this site for how to survive infidelity?

What is yours/his marital history? With 7 previous kids I assume this is a blended family. What do you know about his ex, any previous adultery? You guys moved in together verrrry quick, and he has been cheating on you pretty much most of the time.

You understand you CANNOT recover if he is still working with her, right?

I know, I know - I don't know what I was thinking but its way to late for that now.

I am ready, I have told him that. Is there ever, EVER, been an instance where the wayward spouse has actually done what they've said they would do?

It may have been a sham of a relationship at the beginning but honestly I don't think it is now. Am I just kidding myself?

I have read the material but it's hard to put it into context into my relationship bc we haven't been married for 10 - 15 - 20 years...I didn't do anything to make him find someone else. I didn't NOT give him what he needed, he hadn't GROWN APART. So, they are hard to put into context for my situation.

He told me this weekend that it was only a selfish desire, he liked the variety and he let his own faults get inbetween us.

I have been married once before, divorced 4 yrs ago. He has been married 2 other times. I'm not 100% sure there wasn't infedility on both of their parts. I do think he is trying to become a better person than he has been in the past.

I do realize that it makes it nearly impossible to recover since they still work together. With the economy the way it is, and the amount of child support he must pay every month, him quitting isn't an option. I have tried to figure out a way for her to get let go but I don't know how I could get that done.

QUESTION - should I tell her husband? I want to but I don't want it to be based only bc I want to get some vengeance on her.

Yes, his life is transparent. I do know where he is at all times, I have access to his phone and computer. But we all know that if you want to find a way to communicate, you will, so I take this comfort with a grain of salt.

Welcome Tigerzmamma,

The MB materials are relavant to EVERY marriage, not just those that have been married for 10, 15, or 20 years. Nobody does something to make their spouse find someone else. The only person who owns an affair is the person in it. But the betrayed spouse can own helping to set up a marriage that is ripe for affairs, by not meeting your spouses most important EN's (sounds like you think you were doing this though), and also by not creating proper boundaries with the opposite sex (this was NOT done).

In retrospect you should have paid more attention to his past relationships, if he has been through 2 failed marriages where there was infidelity on his part, then of course it should not be surprising that you are where you are now. Hindsight is 20/20, lets hope. Your WH sounds like he has a history of being a freeloader or renter in relationships, and not a BUYER. Hopefully one of the vets will come along and post a link to this so you know what that means. It also sounds like he has a history of being unfaithful, and having poor boundaries around women. If he wants to clean up his act he can, but it will take a lot of work and a lifestyle change (for the better).

You are asking for more infidelity to allow him to continue working with OW. This cannot happen. You will never be able to recover as long as you know he is still working with OW every day, and he will continue to be in contact with her.

ANSWER: 100% YES. Of course you should tell her husband. You should have a full blown exposure and again, a vet can post a link to all you need to know about exposure. The most important exposure target though is the BS of the OW. He has a right to know about his wife's infidelity. And he can also be your greatest ally to stop this affair and/or maintain no contact in the future. It is not based on vengeance, it is based on you wanting to stop this affair, and protect your family from this OW.

And he doesn't have to work very hard to find a way to communicate, he sees her everyday at work! Seriously, this has to change. Do not use the economy and child support as an excuse to not require more.

PS If you expose to her BH and her world blows up, this problem could be taken care of for you...

Thanks, I will try looking at it from a different point of view. There was nothing lacking at home aside from some true communication that I didn't think we honestly needed to have.

Thank you - I do appreciate everything you've said.

I will be contacting her BH today....my biggest fear is that it will come back to bite my husband in the [censored], which is good for responsibility but very bad for the bank account....but honestly, it wouldn't bother me at all if he got a new job

"QUESTION - should I tell her husband? I want to but I don't want it to be based only bc I want to get some vengeance on her."

Her husband should be told immediately so he can protect himself and his children from your husband. That is the decent thing to do.

I would also expose the affair to the workplace, your families and close friends. Everyone should know about the affair. He will have to find another job if you want to save your marriage so he should start looming now. Recovery is impossible as long as they continue their affair at work.

He has a way to communicate; all he has to do is go to work!

If he still works with her the A is not over. You don't know what he's doing at work. This can't continue. He needs to leave that job.

You need to expose this - I would suggest you start off with OW's husband NOW. He needs to know, and that exposure may well kill the affair.

I would also suggest you inform his employer of the affair. Your WH may be a liability to his employer right now because of possible sexual harassment lawsuits because of the affair. Employers who couldn't care less about their employees' romantic activities have been known to sit up and take notice when they realize that they could be sued for not overseeing their employees better. My FWH's employer flipped out when they found out. He did not lose his job, but you can bet and win that I've got a few sets of eyes on my husband at work now.

His life is not transparent at all. He is with OW for the majority of his waking hours. tigerz, my FWH says that there would have been NO WAY he could have worked with his OW without the affair continuing. Her BH finally grew a set and exposed the A at their job. The affair ended THAT DAY. BH made his tramp I'm sorry, I mean his wife quit the job. We recovered.

You need to expose, Tigerz. Now, while it might still help you - to end the affair, not for vengeance.