My husband is in the Army, and we had only been married a month before his 6 month deployment. Several months later, I had an affair with a guy I had just met. The first time it became physical, I ended it, and told my husband everything. It has been 7 months since the affair, and 4 months since my husband has been home. We have tried solving things on our own, and then I came across this site. My husband read through the basic concepts, but says he is not ready to be in love me again. My question to you is: Where do I take things from here? Do I just sit back and wait until he is ready, or continue trying to deposit love units and meet his emotional needs?

Have you been STD tested?

Welcome to marriage builders.

Who was this OM? Is he married?
Who has been told about your affair?

1 month of marriage? Does your BH want out of the marriage?

How old are both of you?
Any kids?

Will your BH come here? What have you done to SHOW your BH repentance and why should he give you another chance?

Although we were physical, sex never occurred, so there is no chance of an STD.
He is a guy I met while out with a group of my girlfriends; a friend of a friends. He is 24 and single.
I have talked to my pastors wife, along with close friends and family. Both mine and my husbands side of the family know about the affair.
He doesn't want out of the marriage, but says he isn't ready to fall back in love with me yet. He wants things to be how they used to be, and to be happy together, but isn't ready to put in the effort to make that happen.
I am 20, he is 21, and no kids.
My husband is currently home, and has been for 4 months.
I ended all contact with the OM immediately, and we haven't spoken or had any contact since the affair. I have gone to counseling and eliminated any activity that could raise suspicion of another affair happening. I have continually shown him how dedicated I am to our marriage, and that I will never again put anything before him.

Affairs happen because you have no boundaries around men.

Do you blame your BH for not knowing if he wants to fall in love with you? His heart is still on the floor where you ripped it out.

If you truly want to recover your M stay around and learn.

You need to write thee OM a NC letter and let your BH read and send it. No Contact Letter

Have you answered all your BH's questions about the affair no trickle truth?

What Extraordinary precautions have you put in place? What just compensation have you done?

Will he have to deploy again? Can he get out of the military so he can be home all the time?

Here's some reading for you. How to Survive an Affair

Buy the book Surviving an Affair.

What are your BH's top EN?

Will your BH come here so we may help him?

No, I do not blame him. I said I'll wait as long as it takes, and that I'm willing to do what I need to in order to save our marriage.
I told the OM this after the affair, and also let my husband know. I don't have any way of contacting the OM, and like I said earlier, we haven't had any contact since the affair.
I have answered every question as open and honestly as I could.
As for extraordinary precautions, we haven't fully discussed that. Whenever talk of the affair comes up and we try to sort things out, it ends in a fight and angry outbursts on his part, sometimes mine.
Since the affair, the only time I go out is either with family or my close girlfriend (who is in a relationship and does not hang around other men).
As far as we know, he won't be deploying at least for the next year. Getting out of the military isn't an option right now, at least for the next 4 years.
Since my BH is just becoming familiar with this site, he hasn't yet taken the EN questionnaire.
I am unsure if he will be willing to come here to get help and answers, but it certainly wouldn't hurt to ask.

Get to writing those EP's for your BH. Did you write him an apology letter?

Read these A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives
Don't know if I should divorce after my own Infidelity
Extraordinary Precautions

Kau

BTW, kissing is very much sex and can lead to oral STDs, HPV is the cause of many head,throat and mouth cancers.

So you might want to avoid kissing your BH until some time for your body to clear itself of any potential infections.

God Bless
Gamma

You have to take the lead in healing him.

1) As BH mentioned, have you written him a private, honest, and fulsome letter of apology? As a FBH, I still have the ones my bride sent me. As I have explained to other ladies in your sad situation, the key point is not to limit yourself to "I'm sorry I did this...." but couch the items in terms of damage and effect on him.

- "I'm sorry I did something which would cause you to believe that your are not the man I love."
- "I'm sorry you cannot bring yourself to fully trust me right now."
- "I'm sorry that this time we should be enjoying together while you're home is tainted by having to go through this."

I think you get the point.

2) Put the burden on yourself for repairing his feelings of trust in your feelings and actions.

- Arrange for a polygraph, so he'll know the absolute state of his marriage.
- Draw up and sign a "death sentence" post-nup basically forfeiting all financial and property rights usually due you, if you ever again betray your vows.
- Give him 100% of all passwords to e-mail, voicemail, FB, etc, and urge him to check up on your communications.

3) Forswear ever having anything to do with the infidelity-enabling "girl-group" (as individuals or collectively) that facilitated this mess.

4) Download and complete the EN Questionnaires on this site. If you're going to be busy filling up his LB$ with EN supply, you might as well hit the ones with the biggest payoff first.

There, that should keep you busy over the holiday weekend!

BH, thank you for those links. It's great to have advice from people who have been down this same path, and have recovered from it. The EP thread was very helpful, and now I know what to include when making that for my BH. And to answer your question, I have not written him an apology letter, but I plan to now that it has been brought to my attention.

G, thank you for that piece of advice. The OM and I had both been tested prior to the A, and some time has passed since that.

NG, I will definitely get on writing that letter to my BH. You made some very good point about what to include. My BH already does have passwords to all accounts, but I will make it a point to let him know to consistently check up on email, FB, phone, etc. That girl group was never too close of friends of mine (obviously, since the A happened while around them), and I haven't gone out with them since that. After the letter of apology and the EP, we'll establish our most important EN.

When I have those typed out and ready, I will post it for feedback. Once again, thank you for helping me restore my marriage.

I first want to start out this letter by apologizing for how deeply I hurt you while you were deployed. Although the distance from you was incredibly hard on me, I have to keep in mind that you were going through the same thing, and it is no excuse for me cheating on you. I want you to know that I am 100% committed and dedicated to saving our marriage, and becoming happier together than we've ever been. I know it's gonna take a lot, and I am more than willing to put in the effort. There is nothing I can do to make the pain I caused go away, but I will do anything and everything to try and ease that pain the best that I can.

In order to ensure that this never happens again, I have made a list of extraordinary precautions for us to follow. If there's anything you would like to add to or change, just let me know.
- I will give you 100% access to all email accounts, FB, text messages, phone calls, etc.
- I will never allow myself to be alone with someone of the opposite sex, for whatever reason.
- I will not engage in conversation with someone of the opposite sex about personal issues, including our marriage.
- I will give you a schedule of my daily/weekly activities and plans, and be open to any revisions or objections you may have.
- I will always have your best interest in mind with every decision I make.
- I will use the Policy of Joint Agreement before finalizing plans or activities.
- I will always be open and honest with you about my thoughts, feelings, actions, etc.
- I will not attend clubs/bars/parties where alcohol and/or men will be present, without you there with me.
- I will do my absolute best to always meet your most important emotional needs.
- I will make you my number one priority, and never put anything before you.

that's a little more palatable for the BS. i'm sure others will have more input.

Thank you for your input! Those little adjustments make a big difference.

I would also add.

I will work the Marriage Builders program as it is outlined in SAA. You do have the book Surviving An Affair, correct?

I will not have friendships with anyone from the opposite sex.
I will protect my lovebank and have iron clad boundaries.
I will take a poly.

Did you ask your BH about coming here?

I have not yet ordered SAA or any of the other books for that matter, but I plan on it. I'm not sure if a polygraph is even offered where I live, but I'll look into it. And I did ask him, but he hasn't given me a reply. He did agree to do the EN questionnaire though, so that's a start.

I would sell him on this program. If you present it to him like a salesman and how much you want to save your marriage I'm sure he will see.

Tell him even though it's unfortunate we have many BH on here that have walked his walk.

Start emailing links and printing up articles.
Here on the poly. Polygrapgh Testing

I will ask him again, and try to convince him that it'll be good for not only him, but most importantly our marriage.
I will also talk to him about the poly, and see if he feels it is necessary. I'll do whatever I need to make him feel more at ease.

Listen to this show with your BH.

She is the WW and they followed MB and now are recovered.
Radio clip on a recovered couple WW and BH
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Your letter was good; Letty's edits made it better. It still lacks some recognition of the specific hurts that BH has suffered. I know it's hard, but the rewards for personalizing your letter to his condition will be worth it!

I did some revisions, let me know what you think.
Also, I took the EN questionnaire, and my BH said he will also take it. And in about 10 days the SAA, LB, and HNHN books should have arrived.


I first want to start out this letter by apologizing for how deeply I hurt you while you were deployed. The distance from you is no excuse for me cheating on you. There is nothing I can do to make the pain I caused go away, but I will do anything and everything to try and ease that pain. I never want you to take blame or to think this was at all your fault. I acted selfishly and broke my vow to you. My actions did the exact opposite of showing my love and affection for you, and I'm ready to make that change. I want you to know that I am 100% committed and dedicated to saving our marriage, and becoming happier together than we've ever been. I know it's gonna take a lot, and I am more than willing to put in the effort.

In order to ensure that this never happens again, I have made a list of extraordinary precautions for us to follow. I'm open to anything you would like to add to or change.
- I will make you my number one priority, and never put anything before you or our marriage.
- I will wholeheartedly meet your emotional needs.
- I will always have your best interest and that of our marriage in mind with every decision I make.
- I will give you a schedule of my daily/weekly activities and plans, and be open to any revisions or objections you may have.
- I will use the Policy of Joint Agreement before making plans or activities.
- I will always be open and honest with you about my thoughts, feelings, and actions.
- I will give you 100% access to all email accounts, FB, text messages, phone calls, etc.
- I will never allow myself to be alone with someone of the opposite sex, for whatever reason.
- I will not have friendships with anyone of the opposite sex.
- I will not engage in conversation with someone of the opposite sex about personal issues, especially our marriage.
- I will not attend clubs/bars/parties where alcohol and/or men will be present, unless you there with me.