This was my H's weekend with the kids. I made plans with a friend to go to a midnight showing of the ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. My kids won't stay at my H's house, so I told him that I would be out at least until 2 am, he didn't need to wait at the house until I got home, but he could.<P>In an obstinant mode, I did not tell him what my plans were. I've posted before that I'm struggling with some temptation with another man we'll call T (for temptation), but my plans were not with him. Anyway, my H was asking my plans and asks, "Are you going out with T?" I've NEVER mentioned the man by name, but have told H I'm tempted.<P>My H, Mr. Computer Whiz, hacked my email. I don't know how he singled out T, but he did, researched him, had T's name, address, cell phone # & occupation.<P>I haven't done anything "wrong" T is "just a friend" (sounds so bad on this board because we've all heard THAT crap).<P>Anyway, after that I did tell my H my plans. He appeared about 9:30 at the party, I arrive with my male friend (this one is really just a friend, no undertones). My H is dressed as Zorro (I'm a grieving, black-veiled widow...)He sweeps me off my feet...my friend drifts off to hit on other women, as he had all night...<P>My H is joining me at my counselor's today. We're both going to cut out the drinking (it was purely medicinal...but beginning to slide out of control). I asked him not to move back in...but he wants to spend more time with me.<P>I know this is good news and many of you would be delighted, but I've heard all of this several times, the last time in Aug, so it isn't like I've forgotten. 3 weeks later he wanted a divorce.<P>His OW is still dating his housemate. She is so vicious and I think he is finally seeing that side of her (dance of joy ).<P>So, I'm keeping my expectations low...and on some level I'm also keeping my options open. I have the feeling that by always being commited to the marriage and my H, he knew I would be there and had no need to get off the fence. Seeing me with one man & knowing there's another out there who cares enough to email seems to have lifted his fog. I feel a little like a discarded toy whose value is only appreciated when another child picks it up to play with.<P>And for anyone new to the board or in new discovery I don't recommend what I did this weekend. Do not add another person to your marriage's recovery. Unfortunately, we've never actually been in recovery. My H's affair began in 4/98, was hot until Jan99, got a bit sporadic, but ongoing until August 99. I've Plan A'ed for nearly a year and a half--all but the last 3 weeks, when I have done a poor Plan B. I'm just at the point of wanting to get on with my life with or without my H.<P>Anyway, blast me if you want. But I'm still very interested in my marriage, I'm just not going to be the only one bleeding and crying over it anymore...<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

What a story, Lor. Do what it takes.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Okay, maybe I have a little residue from Halloween in me, but.....<P>Since he's hacking your email, should I send you something to really spook him???? Nah, just a thought....<P>ha.<P>I think it is wonderful that he is hacking your email. My husband has discovered how to do this also! I have windows 98. You can go to start, find, date, and then punch in a date that you think you might find something. It brings up html links. Even if you've deleted your temporary internet files, they will come up. You can choose the option of picking files that were last accessed or modified.<P>So, if he's hacking - maybe you should make your entire home computer unaccessible without a password. <P>Maybe it is a lovebuster, but in plan B, I think you have a right to this. <P>But it doesn't sound like you are in plan B anymore. <P>Lor, you hang in there. And keep going to your Christian counselor. You did the best then.<P>TNT

Lor -<BR>I would never blast you - I envy you! You sound good and strong, while I just re-read my latest "hope" post and I sound pathetic!<P>Your story brings up a question I have been thinking about for a while... Is it only possible to keep expectations low about the marriage when you do have "options" to keep open? And the discarded toy line hit me too - expecially when my H has said he can think about not being with me, but not about me being with someone else.... Hmmm... Food for thought...<P>Lor, any kind of new behavior is progress in my book. Sounds like your H is really starting to think. And sounds like you are having fun...just be careful...<P>Starpony

Hi Lor,<BR> Go Girl!!....I think you are right to "get a life"....I think your H has always been so sure of you so could waffle back and forth(Just my opinion). You would get alot of support for your actions on the "divorce busting" board...., take care...Lu

I just got back from the counseling appt. My H was there. I'm not sure how it went. The C didn't come right out and say I should let my H move back in if he wants, but that was the impression I got. The C was all for H moving out and Plan B. Today he says he thinks H & are scared to show love for each other. Excuse me? What the hey-ho have I been doing for the last 18 months if it wasn't showing & telling him how much I love him?<P>Of course, maybe the C was just trying to make the session comfortable for my H--so he'll come back. H usually goes once, then skips 6 weeks. <P>I see what I'm writing and realize I'm not only confused about the present but I'm really battling the past.<P>Thanks for the responses.<P>FHL--did I make you speechless? Sorry hon. <P>TNT--do you need a script? Oohh, baby, let's...<BR>Just kidding. I'm not trying to set my H off or manipulate him or make him jealous or initiate any other icky stuff. One of Plan B's possible outcomes is that you fall out of love with your spouse. I'm not there, but the slope is slippery.<P>Starpony--I will be careful and prudent and honest and thrifty <P>Lu--I've read the DB stuff. I think it has some good points and isn't necessarily contradictory to MB. Sometimes I think MB is pretty sparse on actual behavior in Plan A & B, DB fills some of that in.<P>Thanks again<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

I chose the lightbulb icon because it sounds like your husband is finally realizing that you MIGHT NOT WAIT FOREVER... Sorry for the shouting but it is what I feel like right now - sheesh! It's about time he realized this!<P>However, as someone either here (maybe even Animac) or on the DB forum pointed out, there is this little "dance" going on: You move farther away from the relationship, he moves closer - you move to meet him and he backs off. I think you need to think of the pattern of the past and BREAK it...<P>You're on the right route, but you need to decide if you still want to get to the same place you were headed before.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>No, I'm not a Marriage Counselor,<BR>But I did sleep at a <BR>Holiday Inn Express last night...<BR>

Hi Lor,<P>You said at the end of your post that you were doing a poor plan b. What happened? The last thing I read was when the family was here and you were hanging out at the motel together. <P>Give me an update.<P>Hoping

Terri,<P>You gave some insight here. I think this is a pattern. But there is something different with this pattern, and this time OW is busy with someone else.<P>What you described, about the pattern and the dance - is similar to what Dobson said in his book that I can't remember what the title was - but I read it probably 20 years ago. <P>Interesting insight.

Lor - I don't post much, but I read all yours. I am constantly in awe!<P>Like FHL says - do what you need to do!<P>Lori

Lor, did not want you to misinterprete the statement earlier about doing what you have to do.<P>Terri had good points.<P>Lor, I'm not an advocate of game playing and of course anything unbiblical.<P>However, if there was ever a case where the end justified the means, this is it.<P>So do what you have to do.<P>But be aware of what hasn't worked and don't let yourself be sucked into a holding pattern if you don't want to be.<P>You know, it seems to be worst when you are waiting for a piece of information about yourself or a loved one. Even if the news you receive is bad, you deal with it. At least for me, the not knowing is the crazy time.<P>Remember that for yourself and for your girls. Not that you should end it or attempt a complete recommitment just for the sake of knowing, just realize the impact it has on you and the girls.<P>If I was going to advise anything, I would say whatever you do, at least remain or place yourself emotionally aloof from the situation. Be kind, but just keep living your life and watch for clear consistant actions on his part. Keep your fingures off the phone and other parts for a while and let him work on this himself and see what happens.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Terri, TNT, Lori, Hoping, FHL thanks for your posts.<P>Those of you who commented on the dance are right on. At the moment I feel like I'm playing "Statues", I'm just frozen not knowing what to do next. <P>I know I can't pursue Temptation, but that would make it so much easier to give H the "WAKE UP!" And, well, the guy is TEMPTING! It is fortunate he is out of town right now--and though I have his cell phone#, he called me to give me his hotel #. I fully realize this is not actual emotional support on his part, even though it "feels" like it. Funny thing is, for those of you who are Christians--and even for those who are not. This "friend" said, "I know I'm the enemy..." Anybody else out there refer to Satan/Devil as the Enemy? Hmmmm.<P>As for my marriage, I've isolated some of my fears. <P>1)getting back together and it all starts again. He comes home and "can't take it". UGH! 6 times is enough. So I feel like I need to see a real change in him BEFORE he comes home. And he says he'll be like this for the rest of his life, he can't change. A big, ole self-deception if I've ever heard one. There's very little new in his behavior--except for the computer hacking & showing up Sat. night. On this point I also have to think of my kids. My 14 year old is just seething at my H. The 11 year old is creating her own reality--into puppets, dressing up, masks, scenarios. Nothing bad, and maybe just partly seasonal with Halloween, but I feel worry prickles.<P>2)I miss him. At this point he'd willingly spend most nights with me. I sleep so much better with him--but he sometimes bolts out of the house (for nowhere) at 6 am, and I hate that. And of course, if he isn't living here, commited to the marriage, what in heck am I doing letting him spend the night? ACK.<P>3)What happens if the OW dumps the housemate? What if the 3 of them start swinging? What if the housemate kills my H for doing the OW again? (You'll note all of these start with "What if" and are pointless to worry about because I can't do a thing about any of them.)The other day I had an extensive fantasy about cutting off her long hair, stuffing it...well y'all have violent fantasies of your own, but this was malicious and vicious. I keep thinking I have the hate rooted out...<P>And if I hate her that much...my H thinks I hate him as well. Obviously I no longer tell him how violent I sometimes feel about her, but I am aware that anger towards him is constantly re-building--he keeps giving me reason. I keep forgiving, but...it makes me really tired, emotionally, physically, spiritually (this last one tells me I'm hanging on where I should let go).<P>Oh & FHL, I sent him home last night and did not call (hmmm that implies I may have been doing otherwise? Actually, I've cut down...<P>Last night I was watching 3rd Rock and Sally was saying "The only way to get a man to call is to NEVER CALL HIM. DON'T THINK ABOUT CALLING. DON'T THINK ABOUT HIM." Pretty good advice for an alien--FHL, are you really Sally? <P>Sorry this is so long. I've been percolating thoughts all night.<P>

Lor, I just read your post to loveu. It was unclear what reaction you had when H was in home or why you were trying to reach him later. (You got to do something about those itchy phone fingers.)<P>Consider redirecting the anger you feel at H and situation into energy for moving ahead of your life. Remember you are in plan Lor now, and the wagons rolling and your H is going to have to jump on pretty fast to catch the ride at all.<P>Your girls may really need you to start taking charge of the situation. That doesn't mean cutting H out, but start setting your own terms. Most of all you might need to start taking control. If your H continues to go to counselor, let counselor be the good cop and you be the bad cop for a while.<P>Make plan Lor work for you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL, thanks. I just had a burst of anger last night. Including itchy dialing fingers. I then went out for a drive--kids were at church for Wed night stuff. I ended up at my store, thinking maybe I could catch up on work. My H walked into the (locked) store, scaring me silly. He'd been out trying to find ME. Checking the house, the church, T's house (thank God the man is out of town...).<P>H came back to the house with me & we tried to talk. I pointed out how he's checking up on me and I'm not having an affair and how I have felt these past many months when he has been having an affair?<P>Oh, and his showing up Sat night? I thought I merely told him where I would be with an offhand invitation to join me if he wanted...he recalls it as "begging" him to join me. GRRRR.<P>Kids arrived home & 14 year old says to me, "What is he doing here? He should either live here or not be here at all." She is my "everything is black or white" child.<P>I know I need to control my anger, but it "feels" so much better than grief, despair & depression. And I have to forgive the OW, I've been on an internal hate rampage with her, wanting to maim & destroy her in every way possible. Not emotionally healthy for me.<P>I'm just so tired of it all.<P>And now I'm going to punch in my signature that tells me I am so in the wrong.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

So exactly why was your H trying to find you? Because he thought you were with T or just because he wanted to communicate something?<P>What do you think H's reaction would be if you changed the locks or had him give up his key? Consider anger may not be a bad thing. Any emotion that causes him to move in any direction may be a good thing. <P>Have you given any more thought to packing up what is left of his things and putting them in storage?<P>Moving on is not giving up. It is realizing that you and your girls have lives to lead and you have to start living them with some clear direction at some point.<P>Personally I think you may be in the best position you have been in for a long time, but it depends on you refusing to get back to the same old dance.<P>How about putting a hammer next to your phone and resolve to whack your fingers with it if you attempt to call?<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

God Bless you FHL & TNT.<P>My H sent me the most beautiful email this morning.<P>Last night, I think he expected I would be at home, like most times, when I wasn't home, the possibilities ran away with him. There were several months when he told me he couldn't even FIND the store key, last night he has it & uses it.<P>I don't have the energy to pack his stuff. I started and those boxes are also sitting in our (uh, MY ) bedroom.<P>I've had his key in my possession twice. It felt mean-spirited to me and I gave it back. I don't know why he's coming to the house, other than it is far more convenient to his work than X's house. He's not spending much time at X's, I think the OW dating X is getting to him. They've been together now for a month...and she is a slut (I've gotta deal with that anger/unforgiveness), so I imagine she's spending more and more time there.<P>A hammer, huh? Ouch. I'd think I'd rather whack myself in the head with it...<BR>

Lor, you do sound as if you are growing stronger. I'd pack one box of his things at a time. You need to get them out of the bedroom. Ask for the store key and house key. He needs to know you are serious this time about moving on with your life. I don't see that as mean spirited. I don't expect a key from my H and he doesn't expect me to give him one to mine. Keep up the good work.

I think this is great! This boundary stuff and fear of losing you seems to be affecting him. There may be some learning here for the rest of us. Keep us posted on the daily events. You're doing so well.

Lor - I'll have my counselor phone your counselor and they can sit around giving each other bad advice. BTW, congrats, sounds like you succeeded in making your H just a teensy bit jealous! Zorro indeed! And did he slice a big Z on the front of your friend? Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Lor,<P>I think plan Lor is working! He may finally be seeing reality. Maybe breaking out of the fantasy! OW is seeing someone else. He was not her "soul mate" and now she's found someone else to traumatize. (pretty sad that it's the roommate, how sick and twisted she must be) How easy it was for her to start seeing someone else. What a blow to his ego!!! (Is your husband a marine?)<P>You are going out on your own. You are living your life. You are not lying. You are not cheating. You are communicating your plans to him as any wife would do to her husband so in case he or your girls needed you, they would be able to reach you. You are being a responsible parent. <P>Now he is twisting your words to try and justify himself for seeking you out when he couldn't find you. Maybe he is embarrassed. He is accusing you of something you would never do but he did. <P>My husband told me after a counseling session months ago (we havent been since May) that he wished for a long time that I would meet someone, leave him and be happy, because I deserved better than him. <P>I am not masking my h faults, beleive me he has major faults, but I love him. That's the botom line. He still lives in "the apt" but the lease runs out at the end of this month. I pray he is coming home. <P>Lor if your online and read this I am not done but I am signing off for the moment so I'll post it because I dont know how to save it.