Great progress JV! Happy you found an IM and will start Plan B tomorrow!

So...one negative facebook response (from a mutual friend of ours that now hangs out with OW a lot...I kind of saw that coming). Two questioning ones. And one positive.

About what I expected! I'm surprised she hasn't tried something yet, but maybe she put our mutual friend up to it.

So, one thing I noticed when I was going through her facebook friends was, well, a class thing. Most of her friends work fast food, retail, cinemas, etc. (and are proud enough to put that on their facebook page) Most of my friends are educated professionals. I guess it goes with the cheating down mentality...

Cool! One person wrote and said, why do you think her friends should know? I responded (paraphrasing), because maybe she's done this before, and if someone had spoken up, I would have been more careful in protecting my family, Also, bigger reason, because she can choose to never do this again by having appropriate boundaries with married men, and I hope she will do so. The response from OW's friend? "Good reasons."

I have to admit, exposure does feel good!

Those are awesome reasons! What a great response! Wish I'd thought of it.

good! feeling less lonely?

I'm feeling nervous about plan B. I think I am still holding on to a fantasy of having my husband back. And I just can't accept it. I found a picture of us from a couple of months after we were married from chuck e cheese with my girls...Damn, we were happy. I put on my facebook page a picture of WH and I from December of 2010...again, just so happy. Why did I get sucked into this crazyness? Where did my family go? What is wrong with him? I mean, I know in an intellectual sense, but I just can't grasp how he wants to give up on all of this...life.

I've felt like crying all night and can't seem to get it out, must be the anti-depressants.

And I've had a wonderful day, actually...time with my girls, out socializing with a good group of people, etc. But I watched TV by myself tonight, I don't have someone to talk to in the evening, I want to kiss and cuddle and make love.

It is the saddest thing to love your marriage and family and be dealt the blow of betrayal and yet you must be brave to face the future you did not ask for.

Plan B is a way to heal and rebuild your spirit.

Sorrow comes with infidelity. There is just no magic wand to take that sorrow away ....you need to walk through it.

Jennifer, I know how tough it is. Whilst I realise the value of Plan B I still miss my husband, family, my life. Understanding the wayward behaviour helps me come to terms with the A and his behaviour but it doesn't lessen the pain. Its hard when you still love your H and seem to be in limbo waiting for the A to end and hoping for reconciliation, but somehow we need to draw on the inner strength within us all and try to focus on our healing and being the best parent for our children.

I originally posted this on my thread for WHiP, I've copied it here for you, I hope by sharing my thoughts and feelings, you will know that you are not alone.

"I try to keep positive but it not always easy, some days are harder than others. Like you WHiP I feel the loss, the pain, the grief. I miss my husband, my best friend, my family, my life and the dreams/plans we had for the future.

Our family faced some traumatic experiences over the last 2 years, we grew personally and our family unit was strengthened. Throughout the trauma and stress my husband and I suported each other, it helped dealing with the situation having him by my side. Now I'm facing the most traumatic painful experience and I don't have his support, his wayward alien behaviour is the reason for my pain.

Mourning the man I knew and loved and accepting the alien he has become has been really difficult. Even though I understood waywards act out of character it didn't lessen the pain. Facing the wayward foggy babble and behaviour has been more painful than the betrayal of the affair. Having the person you love treat you with a lack of care has been tough.

Watching the change from a wonderful, caring loving husband and father who I admired, respected and was proud of become Isildur is painful. Accepting that he can't/won't recognise the children's pain is due to his actions is beyond words. My husband had always been anti affairs and had no tolerance or respect for unfaithful spouses, it has been hard to accept that he was unfaithful.

My children's pain has been my hardest struggle, they are wonderful loving, caring, intelligent people. They have grown up in a happy, healthy stable family and I resent that this has been taken from them. It has been hard for them because this has been a shock. We moved from Oz to NZ 7 years ago for family and lifestyle. Now our family has been torn apart for an addiction, sacrificed to maintain a "fantasy". Its tough knowing my children have been sacrificed for a woman with no integrity, morals or principles but a history of short term relationships and equity harvesting.

I hate that I no longer can prevent what they are exposed to particularly my DS6 and his loss of innocence (infidelity, lies and manipulation).

The last couple of weeks have seen me on an emotional roller coaster - withdrawal from not having contact, Isildur and PEGI holidaying in Oz and visiting family, facing a potential melanoma and surgery alone (without hubby), selling our former family home (not current home prior to relocating May 2011), Isildur defaulting on our mortgage to fund the A, the negative impact on our children (effecting their studies). Lots ot tears, particularly when the children are at school and I'm alone to let it all out. Moments of strength and positive thinking.

Its not an easy journey but I am determined to stand for my marriage and family. I am set on a course, I will maintain my intergrity, self respect and dignity. I will be a positive role model for my children. Regardless of what the future holds I will survive, my family will survive. There are moments though I wish I could fast forward and leave the pain behind.

MB really is a guiding light, MB friends and posters have helped me gain a better understanding, provided clarity when I needed it, deflected during Plan B (thanks Scotty), but most of all they have provided support and a real understanding, they have walked in my shoes. For this I am grateful and sincerely appreciate everyone's time. Having the opportunity to pay it forward, help and support others has been healing.

So for me WHip the love of my children, my husband, the hope that when his A ends, we will hopefully have the chance of reconciliation gives me strength. Yes Plan B is tough but I try to focus on the benefits - my personal recovery, being the best parent for my children, hoping by removing myself from the equation Sildur and PEGI will begin to LB each other, the hope Sildur will come out of the fog and at the least resume his role as the loving caring father who always put his children's interests first will return and be there again for our children."

I hope this helps, stay strong.

Thanks reading and happy future. I definitely know that our family can come through all this, and honestly, I think the kids like it better now that they have my complete attention, especially since WH was so withdrawn from us all this last year.

I think I'm missing my lover, MY friend, my companion...

I, as a 34 year old woman, do not want to be alone for the next 15 years. But, I'm not going to put my kids through this again. I don't *need* a man, but I sure enjoyed the one I had while it was good!!! I loved him and do treasure that.

I'm also nervous about avoiding the good memories that are now painful. After my ex had an affair and left, I kind of erased a lot of my past from my memory, almost a personal "Endless Summer of the Spotless Mind" treatment. It's there if I dig, I guess, but I really repressed all of it. It's just too painful to remember since it's soooo gone. So, I lost most of my life from 17 to 25 since he was with me that whole time. I don't want to lose more years, the 28-34 saga. I just want to be able to look back and share my history with someone.

I know I'm longing for what I can't have, can't control. I know it's pointless. But I still feel that way...and I need to somehow acknowledge and nurture that part of myself.

When I went through this with my ex, I wished he'd just died. It would have been so much easier for me. And I feel sort of the same now, if my sworn life partner was going to leave, at least it should have been because of death!! But no...

I agree with you about mourning the man he was, and knowing the one he is (that's my favorite line in someone's signature, forgive me for not remembering whose right this second). He's like an alien.

Maybe I need to give him a nickname as you and WHIP and rainysweet did. I'll have to think on that.

From exposure: Nothing else. So, it felt good to get it out, and maybe it did help someone else be careful.

Oh, all sounds so familiar. I feel your heartache, Jennifer. I'm sorry. I've kinda wiped out 22 years. You're right - even the happy memories hurt and you want to just black out that part of your life - majority of my life, sadly. 26 years if I count all the time he's been in my life. Difficult to do, since it's your children's lives too. I feel for you.

I got a message from exposure today - very sweet and supportive from OW's friend, telling me I did the right thing, that she was sad to say it but image was everything to OW and me taking that down was probably the best thing I ever could have done. THEN she said something to the effect of, "I'm guessing you haven't received a lot of messages, but I think most people feel the same way I do, and that you have a whole lot of silent prayers and support the that you are unaware of. Hope that's a comforting thought."

It was an immensely comforting thought. Hope it is for you too.

Yes, do give jerkface a nickname. I told pinoke flat out more than once that it would have been so much easier if he had died. I totally get that. The nickname made it easier for me to set aside the man I love, recognize that he is no longer the person I am dealing with, and then plan accordingly how best to stand up to/deal with/defeat/ignore, whatever it is I have to do - with this wayward alien monster.

Hugs and prayers.

Hi JV. Just wanted you to know that I've been following your post and I am cheering you on.

I'm glad you separated and are working on making a good life for yourself and your children. I am hoping that he will step up and prove himself to you at some point.

I'm sure it's very painful. Hopefully the pain will lessen now that he's not a constant irritant in your daily life, and you'll have more energy for your sweet family.

Wishing you the best, Zhamila

Thanks Rainy and Zhamila!

I'm having a wonderful three day weekend...the kids and I got the living room completely unpacked, the kitchen only has two boxes left to go, and all the furniture is assembled and in the right places. It feels awesome! The kids have a neighbor kid over playing wii...perfect day off fun. And later we are going to a natural lazy river creek to swim and cool off. Sigh. Life is good.

I didn't get plan B started yesterday. Our drop off plans got changed at the last minute for me getting DS back, and then we engaged in a conversation about the house and whether he would take it over. We talked briefly by phone last night. Honestly, as much as I want to do plan B right now, I'd love to get a signed agreement from him taking financial responsibility for that house. So I'm going to hold off until he brings DS home on Wednesday so I can talk to my lawyer tomorrow. Right now we're just on the details, he says he'll do it if we can make one term more in his favor (the length of the contract...he wants 5 years, I would like 2 or 3. But realistically, if he's paying for it, I don't really care how long it is. If he isn't, I'll be able to evict him legally (civil evictions are much easier and quicker to do than family law hearings) and take it back. So it's fairly win-win, because he could have a cheaper place if he rents half out and, ultimately, work to build equity.)

glad to hear you're having a good day, jenn. keep up the good work! nesting in a new home is a great start.

So I've spoken with WH a few times, trying to work out the details of this agreement about the property, if we can. I'm frustrated that I'm doing all the legwork. But even though I recognize that, I am still doing it. Uggh.

I spoke with my lawyer about it today. Mind you, he is a family law attorney, and a lot of this goes into real estate law. He did try to call a real estate attorney friend of his to get more feedback but he was tied up this afternoon. In any case, my lawyer asked me a few good questions. "So, what's in this for you?" And "Aren't you just kicking the can down the street?" After that analogy sunk in, as I'd just been describing how I would handle an eventual breach on the part of WH, because I feel so confident there would be one at some point, I just keep envisioning that can. I even flash back to the parenting coordinator who evaluated our family in my first divorce, who had recently spoken to my STBX about his education (he was in grad school) and plans to complete his Ph.D. She asked me if I thought he would finish it. My answer was I wasn't a betting person. She pushed me, so do you think he won't do it? I said, well, he might, but no where near the time frames that he's proposing at this point. I was right...he did finish it, eventually, oh, 10 years after starting the Ph.D. program.

So...am I just kicking the can down the street?

I know there are some benefits to this proposal if all goes well...it will not ding my credit, it will not really hold me up., it is sort of good will towards WH and also means that the property itself might not deteriorate, and it might be good for our son to have that place that he lived at for a year to still be a part of. But all these things are...rather...small. So looking deeper, why am I doing the legwork to do this?

I buried my wedding ring at the house on the day I moved out. I have a piece of my heart buried there too. I have oodles of my faith in WH that I watched float away in that house. Honestly, if we'd never bought the house, I don't think we'd be in this position, because it was the one thing that pushed me into destroying his LB as he destroyed mine, and then he chose to enter into an EA.

So, I think a part of me wants to see the damn project not fail. And part of me wants to see my WH succeed, wants to see his craftsmanship put into something tangible. And part of me also feels like any chance of reconciliation between us would require him demonstrating financial responsibility, which he could do with the house, and domestic support, which he could also do by repairing the house.

Am I just engaged in horribly dangerous, wistful thinking??? Please help me out here...I keep see the can kicking down the street. Am I just chasing the fantasy, or is this an effort to preserve the last shred of lovebank balance my WH has by giving him an opportunity to succeed in areas he's previously failed?

Excuse me while I faint. Are you kidding? You are in this mess because your husband refuses to follow through on anything. Why in the world would he magically change now? Why would he demonstrate financial responsibility now? Why would he put his craftsmanship into something tangible when you already know he won't? What more proof do you need? Do you want to suffer more? Assigning misguided faith to someone who is untrustworthy does not make them magically trustworthy, it just means that you are taking bigger foolish risks.

You are making decisions based on wishful thinking rather than reality. Even Dr Harley recognized when you spoke to him that your husband wasn't going to do anything. When you said your H might finish the house, Dr H said something like "he won't do anything."

Hon. Please stop this. The project has failed. Stop kicking the can down the road and make your decisions based on the REALITY that the project has failed. It failed, my dear. I am so sorry.

My friend, Jennifer. Please stop this. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jennifer}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

jenn, i have just read something similar in two other threads.

do not put any faith in a wayward. they will repay you by stealing the can! take care of you and your children. as someone pointed out in happy's thread - if he pulls finger, he will appreciate what you saved for you. if he doesn't, then you have protected yourself and your children. always err on the side of you. you cannot trust a wayward (put faith in them) for anything. a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g.

in short: stop kicking the can. pick it up and take it home.

Thanks. I need the reality check. And I even KNOW I need the reality check, but I can't seem to help myself.

I am just so sad and disappointed in how this has all played out.

I need to just focus on me, on my kids, on the nice life I can provide for them, on my friends, on my work, etc.

Write this and look at it everyday so you remember.

Okay, no more can kicking!!

I told him today that he needs to move out, that I'm not interested in trying to make a deal about the house. I think it's a wise choice, even his parents won't co-sign a loan with him, he's had car trouble the last few days, hasn't worked all week, hasn't seen his son since Sunday (hasn't even called to talk to his son).

DS is taking it in stride. Daddy was supposed to pick him up on Wednesday, but I did instead. This morning, he asked me if Daddy was picking him up, I said I think so, he said, Maybe he is, maybe he isn't, we don't know. When I picked him up, he didn't say anything. I know he is safe and secure with me and all of his needs are met and he loves his sisters. I know he loves his dad, but his dad is proving himself unreliable.

So...I'm in communication with the bank, going to try and work either a short sale or a short term payment forgiveness so I can get the house fixed and rented or sold at value. I'm trying to plan what needs to be done, and it might be possible to pull it off. If so, I think I'll feel like I've left fewer strings behind in my life than otherwise, and probably be better off credit wise. So far, the bank has been awesome, they are understanding and helpful and pro-active without making me feel bad at all, in fact, they have been very sympathetic to my situation.

And work is still going well Can't beat that!

Yes, BH, I will keep that thought at the forefront: I need to focus on me, on my kids, on the nice life I can provide for them, on my friends, on my work, etc. I will move forward and life will be good!!

She has met MrReality and he is her FRIEND!!