Ok, sorry I've been on here so much lately. I have my heart set on leaving, I just need advice on what to do.
It's clear to me that my husband mostly needs a housekeeper and a babysitter. Which I'm sick of being. I want to be happy, I want to feel loved, cherished, I basically just want to feel like I'm special to someone not somebody's employee.
I haven't talked to him since Monday which was our second anniversary and it was horrible we got into a bad misunderstanding and now here we are in the silent treatment again. Where we are 80% of the time. I had my tooth pulled Thursday and he never checked on me. He showed up saturday morning to sleep with a ton of laundry. I shouldn't have done it but I was in the middle of my laundry which he took out and put aside so I could finish his. Well I did it. He woke up to leave for work again didn't say anything to me showered got his stuff thanked me kissed me on the forehead and left.
No concern for me at all.
I'm sure he was expecting me to spark a conversation but after not hearing from him in so long, given the way our last conversation went and him not checking on me I wasn't in the mood to talk to him at all.
I can't take it anymore. I want out. But I rely on him financially I've only had two short jobs in the entire relationship which has been 8 years. My question is how to support myself and my three children when I do leave? Even if I can get a job which would be difficult cuz I have no one to watch my children, I'm not going to get paid immediately. Plus I live in California, so if anybody has any advice on how this works it would be appreciated. I really want to start my life over and rid myself of all this.
Reading so much about plan a and b, I want to get a little house and not allow him to know where I live, because I know even if he agrees to split he'll eventually hound me till I come back to him. He has a twisted way of making me feel guilty and switching everything around until I feel it's my fault.

Ok you're hurting right now. Stop and breathe.

When you say you haven't talked to him since Monday is he living in the same house with you?

Your taker is raging right now and so you need to make sound decision.

Have you read this? How To Plan B properly

Have you looked into your state's laws about child support and alimony?

I know I'm raging right now. I'm just tired of going through this. Silent treatment has always been us because we cannot communicate. It always ends up in a fight where the entire kitchen sink comes out because the sink has never been cleaned.
The thing is he works out of town for two weeks and is home for two weeks. We've had problems from day one. I got pregnant two months after we met. When our son was born we moved into my parents house. But during my pregnancy he constantly went to bars and would call me to come over when he was done. Only once did I show up at the bar 6 months pregnant to find him and a friend talking to a couple of girls. I wigged of course. But anyway when the baby was about 3 months old we got a condo. It was difficult because I never lived on my own so I was struggling to be a mom and just daily tasks and his long hours at work. He would come home drunk, eat dinner and pass out. If not that he'd go next door to party with the young guys and girls and come home for dinner and go back. I tried so hard to be perfect and do what he wanted, I became someone else. I still wasn't getting any attention so late at night I'd try to be sexy and wear teddies and light candles and stuff. But he'd tell me to get dressed cuz he was going to drink with his buddies on the porch. It hurt so bad to be rejected so much. I got a job and tried to go back to college. He then moved his friend in and followed him around constantly and his friend who mind you was not paying us anything told me I need to financially pitch in. And my man would just smile and never stick up for me. But it was difficult getting one kid to school the other to babysitter get to work, work all day cook clean get everyone bathed and to bed. So I ended up quitting because he was not helping at all. I was fed up then. One night around 9 pm he called to tell me he was going to a drug test with a friend so he'd be a little late. Well a little late turned into 3 am and he was high on mushrooms. I grabbed my kids and went back to my parents and while he was at work the next day I took all our stuff. He didn't contact me for a few days, I had everything turned off because everything was in my name. Then he started to bug me and swore he'd quit drinking. Turns out he only quit drinking I front of me because as soon as I wasn't around he'd drink again, but lie and say he quit. I gave him a chance believing his lies. We moved into a house and things were going smoothly. He got a job promotion but he had to work one week off one week on and he couldn't leave his location. It was rough at first being alone all the time. But then he got moved up north past Sacramento about 6 hours from home. So it got harder. He came home one day excited about MySpace and all the old friends he found all I saw was trouble. He showed me his friends and gave me a little history on them. He was on it constantly. When he'd go to work he'd never call me and I'd complain and he'd just say I have no time to call you. But he had plenty of time to talk on MySpace. I'd go days without anything. So after me complaining so much he'd make a quick call and tell me he's calling because he's sick of me running my mouth. I told him don't call me then, I just though if he loved me and hasn't talked to me in days he'd want to at least say hi. Well he suddenly quit getting on MySpace and was checking email constantly. So my suspicions were high. I peeked one day at his password and when he left for work I checked his email. He was emailing some ex girlfriend, and by the sound of her he made her very excited. For a week it was almost innocent he never mentioned any of us to her. He'd reply to the same email then delete it. One night he called me all upset and he sounded so horrible. He told me he felt like the world was comming to an end or some crap. After we got off I tried to call him back but he wouldn't answer. I got on the computer and checked on him again and he was sending her a message as I was tring to call him. He ignored 4 calls from me and the message he sent her was pretty graphic. I started to check the cell bills and saw a lot of out of town calls that were long and to numbers I didn't recognize. I mean hour long calls and lots of text messages to these numbers. They were females from near his work and some from MySpace. I checked his MySpace and he was trying to friend like 30 chicks. I was irate and finally said something. He denied everything told me the calls were for work blah blah blah. Tell me how crazy I was and how crazy I sounded. He canceled his MySpace and sent a goodbye letter to the girl. He got moved a couple of hours away from home and mind you he says he's not allowed to leave his location. Unless he has to. Well anyway he had his credit card statements comming to the house for a year or so and I'd file them away. Sometimes he'd come home from work smelling like alcohol ( he quit drinking remember) I'd say something and he tell me I'm tripping. I went back to work for 6 months my mom watched the kids cuz she had to move in with us because while she was in the hospital my dad moved his girlfriend and her kids in so my mom had no home. Well the day after my my sons 5th birthday she didn't wake up and she passed away 5 days later because she was failing on life support. About a month later he proposed to me and I hesitantly said yes. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I had a friend marry us real quick in her house so I could get on his insurance. Things seemed fishy again. I didn't know where to turn or where I needed to look. So I opened all those credit card statements. Every weekend he was at work there was big bar tabs, big dinner tabs, cab rides, then oriental massage??????? I was disgusted I confronted him again. He denied ever doing anything of course. He immediately cancelled the mail statements so I couldn't see anymore. So after that l looked at his bank statements but barely any charges but he would withdraw lots of cash. Plus whatever he'd spend on fast food and the liquor store. Now he's working near there again.
He never admitted anything told me there's nothing to tell, but I know and feel there is more and he won't tell me and I can't move past it.
Sorry I said almost my whole story here but these and the recent BS that's been going on is why I want to leave. It all didn't happen over night or one bad week. It's been one bad week after another for the past almost 9 years.

So I guess you can call me a taker. But I've been through so much and lied to too many times that I don't know what the truth is. He says he's trying and I'm not and in a way he's right. To be honest a big part of me died with my mom. I tried for so many years and tried to give the benefit of the doubt. But he always lies or hides things. We have separate bank accounts and he has always refused to add me. We are so divided in so many ways. I gave up trying and my love for him has left. I don't wish him harm I just think I need him out of my life. I gave and gave but when the tables finally turned I had already gave up the fight. So now we just go about our daily lives different. I keep up with the house and kids while he plays on his phone all day or takes off for a ride somewhere.

I'm not calling you a taker.

I'm saying your taker is taking over. Read what Dr. Harley says about the giver and taker.
The Giver and Taker

I understand your frustrations but you don't want to make a decision when your emotions are high.

It sounds like you need Plan B yesterday.

So let's get started ok?

Have you started preparing for it?
Have you checked your states laws for child support and alimony?
Can you legally remove him from your home or will you and the kids have to leave?
Where would you be going?

SAHM do have an advantage in the court's eyes. Are you documenting all this?

Can you file for a legal separation?
You need to speak to a lawyer.

Have any of his affairs been exposed? Were any of his OW married?

I've read about divorce, alimony, and child support and it doesn't make that much sense to me. It seems like a lot has to be agreed upon or it's up to the judge. I live in California where it is a no fault state where I can't blame him and he can't blame me for anything.
When I found out about the emails I printed them so he couldn't deny them. There really isn't anything I can prove. Everything is his word which doesn't mean crap to me anymore. He tells me nothing ever happened, but I don't know what to believe. During that time our sex life was almost non existent because he just didn't want me I guess. Now it's non existent because I feel so disgusted by him. When he touches me I feel violated or just a creepy feeling. Also during that time I came down with PID and had to be tested for STDs we didn't talk during that time either I was so mad and he was distant. Came out negative but I thought I caught him then.
So no I have no proof or any explanations. He just tells me to get over it.
I'm trying to save all I can right now I'm thinking enough to get me in a place since I have no where to go. I don't have much saved and he's been cutting down the amount of money he usually gives me. I need to seek legal advice but I can't really afford it right now and our court help is useless here.
I just don't know, I came here hoping for advice on leaving. My stomach is in knots. I feel so sick and I'm in so much pain. He comes home this week and I'm not looking forward to it at all.
I know the routine. He will come home, not say anything, go to sleep, we won't talk for a few more days. He will talk to all his friends nice and loud. We won't talk for at least a week. He will then ask how long we're going to keep it up this time. But this time I don't know what to say. I usually say something just so we can be civil for the rest of the week but I honestly don't think I have it in me to do it again. I'm exhausted from him. We go through this almost every month.
I know he won't leave. Last time I tried to move out he offered to pay for everything as long as I didn't move but he was going to stay too. Back then I was going to move in with my cousin but they had difficulties and they had to move in with his wife's parents.
So unless I have the money I can't really go anywhere.
It may seem impulsive but there has to be a point where enough is enough.

Ok so it sounds like you have enough to expose his affairs. You have the emails.

So why not expose?

So you don't have any family to go be with? How many children do you have? You should be able to call around to lawyers and they should give you a free phone consultation and if they don't hang up and call someone else.

Does california have child support through the attorney general? They can set up child support and they work for you and it costs you nothing. They can garnish his wages.

You need to be putting money aside now.

We will get you through this my dear.

I know I need to talk to one. I'm just afraid since he has all the money he'll hire a good lawyer and screw me over. He can't have his wages garnished because the way his job is he's kind of like a general contractor. He bills for his job and gets paid for what he bills. Like he has to take money out himself and mail it to the tax board. His other child support he doesn't pay regularly. But that's because he hates his ex and she doesn't have their child her mother does. But he won't change it because when his order went in he made around 70,000 so he pays her 690 a month. But now he makes 200,000+. But he didn't pay her for two months so knowing how he is with that, paying is in his control. He pays when he feels like it.
No I really don't have anyone to stay with. Trust me if I did I'd be gone already. I'm trying hard to save.

Have you checked to see if there is inexpensive legal aid in your area? Can you talk to Children's Services and try to determine what options you have?

I know I'm going to need finacial support from him and from what I read I could possibly get alimony. But I'm terrified to bring that up. He's always liked to throw it in my face how I have to rely on him. So to bring that up to him is like smacking myself in the face. I want out but I'm just scared of the process. I've always feared him. He's never physically done anything to me but he's really good at mind tricks. I didn't realize that until a couple of years ago. He can say something and you think oh yeah that makes perfect sense. But later if you think about it you're like WTF? I'm use to things getting turned around on me and being abused that way. So I know going through a divorce with him is going to be a real challenge.

If you follow Dr. Harley's Plan B and have minimal contact with him, it will be much easier.

I just really need to plan out plan b which is difficult right now.
He came home from work yesterday, so he'll be here for the next 2 weeks. He came home acting like everything is normal. Everything inside me wanted to rip him to shreds. I hadn't talked to him in over a week not even a text. He never checked on me. I ended up having dry socket which was why I was so much in pain. Then did he asked what did they do with your tooth? I was like seriously???! It's a little late for that. We are still not really talking unless we have to. Where ever I'm sitting he sits on the farthest end. He goes to bed not saying anything. Typically one minute he's there the next I have no idea. I wish I had somewhere I could just go.