Hello everyone. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this and respond. Before I explain my problem I would like to give a bit of background and explain the circumstances that lead up to my actions. It is very long, and in the next paragraph I put up a short summary. The full story follows that in case you are interested.

BRIEF SUMMARY: My husband and I had extreme issues in the beginning of our marriage; I tried my hardest to communicate and fix it but he didn't respond. I had an affair. We decided to stay together, but it isn't any better. I still try my hardest to communicate and fix things. He holds a lot of resentment and brings it up frequently. I want to know if we should discuss divorce or separation, because I am miserable.

I am 23 and my husband is 27. We have been married for 4 years; I was 19 and he was 23 when we married. We married after less then 8 months of 'dating' because of intense pressure from my parents - they even picked our wedding date, not us.

My parents are very religious and have a lot of mental problems. I truly feel they wanted to marry me off to get rid of me. They love me, but I was the 'accident' baby - my half-siblings were 14 and 17 years old when I was born, and when my dad married my mom he told her he didn't want any more kids. Again, I know they love me, but my dad in particular was ready to live without kids. From the time I was 14 he would say things like, 'When are you going to run away?' and 'I've lived with kids my entire adult life, I can't wait for it to be over.'

My parents say they pressured me because they were afraid we would have premarital sex. That is INSANE - my husband and I live almost 500 miles apart while we were dating! I just don't understand it.

I also think they were trying to control my behavior. They are part of a religion that thinks college and higher education are sins, and my dream was to move over 12 hours away to go to college. Marrying me off made their lives a lot easier. (at first.)

My marriage has been hell. My husband is not the man he said he was. While we were 'dating' (aka talking every night on the phone) he told me liked math like I do, loved books like I do, had no problem with me going to college, had no problem with moving to Oregon (I'm from Oregon, and my dream is to move back), and was getting a job that could support the both of us.

He told me about problems he 'used' to have - he 'used' to be addicted to video games, he 'used' to have severe depression, he 'used' to have social anxiety.

Those are all lies. He has no interest or abilities in math, rarely reads and doesn't care at all about books, did NOT want me to college and did NOT want to move to Oregon. There was no job. All the problems he 'used' to have he still had full force.

Imagine my shock! I thought I married one man and yet married one who would not even have a conversation with me. A man who had no interests that I did and wanted different things out of life. Because I still felt religious I thought I had no choice but to stay with him. I felt like my life had literally been ruined. I wanted to die. I decided I was going to kill myself, because I didn't think I had any other choice.

Here is one point I cannot stress enough: for the first year and a half of our marriage, I was COMPLETELY ignored. I mean completely and utterly, UNLESS he wanted sex. I was made fun of, antagonized and belittled. I had no friends to support me.

I also want to stress I tried SO HARD to communicate with him. I told him at least a hundred times the problems I was having. tried a hundred different ways - I tried being nice, tried yelling, tried using 'I' statements, I looked up communication techniques online - none of it worked.

Can you see where this is going? I met a man at work who was interested in me. He pursued me for 6 months before I gave in. By that time I was so emotionally scarred and so dead inside I didn't even feel anything. I didn't even like the physical part of the affair. All I cared about was someone who would talk to me without making fun of me, antagonizing me, or just walking out to play a video game.

I ended the affair; the 'other man' was upset at first but he finally left me alone. I told my husband, he was understandably devastated. I was devastated myself, in my own. In addition to my other issues, now I constantly feel disgusting and intense, deep shame. I have never cheated on my husband again, and I refuse to even speak to another man unless we are in public or I am with someone who can vouch for me.

In our religion, divorce is only acceptable on the grounds of infidelity. The wronged partner gets to decide. My husband decided to stay with me. No one forced him to. HE made that decision, so the reason we are still married is because he decided we wanted to make things up. (I wanted it to work out too, but I'm not the one who got to decide if we did.) Don't think I forced him or he is 'stuck' with me.

Well, it has been over two years. He still holds on to an extreme amount of resentment. He doesn't bring it up as much as he used to, but he still does. Even if he doesn't bring it up, he still gets upset by it and treats me differently. He gets meaner, nastier and more accusing and belittling. The infuriating part of it as that he doesn't even seem to get it - whenever I try to talk to him (and I try *so* hard to communicate, but he shuts down and beats around the bush) he seems to think he is doing nothing wrong.

He has said many times that he expects to take 'at least ten years' for him to get over the resentment.

I'm so frustrated. I'm so upset. I still have resentments of my own from the problems that we hold over from the beginning of our marriage. I love him, and he loves me, but I frequently think that divorce is the best option. I can't stand constantly being reminded of a huge mistake that I will never, ever make again. I can't stand constantly feeling disgusting, feeling disgusted by my body, by the intense shame and guilt I feel almost every day.

I love him, but I don't want the rest of my marriage to be like this, and I don't see an end.

Should we start discussing divorce or separation?

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

The Harley's will tell you that there may be reasons for an affair but NEVER excuses. Get the book Surviving an Affair.

Have you read this? Steps to Recover from an Affair

What just compensation have you given your BH for your affair?

Can you please give us a short summary of the problem? I see alot of superfluous information here that has nothing to do with the issue, such as your parents influence on your marriage, how you met, etc. Can you cut out the superfluous information and just give us a 3 paragraph explanation of the problem?

Doing so will get you more responses because most folks don't have time to read through a long post of unrelated backstory.

Thanks and welcome to Marriage Builders...

Welcome,Piecewise.
Questions, please:
What were they? Why did your parents pick the wedding date? Why didn't you and your husband?

How did you and your husband meet? Was this an internet relationship?

Are you still working with your OM?

I have read that many times and thank you for linking.

That being said...this is what I hate about asking for help in this situation. If I just state the problem, people ask for the events that led up to it. If I explain the events that lead up to it first, the only thing they say is 'stop making excuses.'

I have done a lot for my husband. I take care of him, I support him financially, and I give in to whatever he wants. I apologize over and over again. Whatever he has asked of me, I do.

Ok, I just saw this and it is perfect. Short and sweet. No, separation will not solve the problem. The problem will be solved if your husband stops talking about the affair and you work on recovering the marriage. Tell him to stop it.

That is assuming you have ended all contact with the OM and tightened up your loose boudaries around men, in addition to making your life an open book so you CAN'T do this again. The next step would be to create a romantic marriage using the MB program. Lingering resentment after an affair is an indication that recovery has NOT taken place.

here

Hello and thank you for replying.

I feel that I listed the problems in the longer version. I also explained a lot about my parents and why they did what they did. I also feel that all of the information is pertinent, because they are what lead up to my horrible mistakes.

To be brief, our problems were that we got married too soon, he lied to me about the person he was, and he completely and utterly ignored me.

My parents picked the date because they wanted to get rid of me as soon as possible.

None of that has anything to do with the current issue, that was my point. It is not pertinent.

Ah, I'm sorry, posts keep coming up while I'm typing!

Thank you for the link. I hadn't seen that.

Edit to add: They are pertinent, because they are what lead up to the affair and they are problems that continue to this day. If you think I cheated in a vacuum and that my husband did nothing to hurt me you're wrong. And don't think that I think I was justified, because I don't - but again, if you think the things leading up to aren't relevant (ESPECIALLY considering the fact that they are STILL problems that exist today) then you are wrong about that.

PW, in other words, you can't change the past and focusing on the past is only a distraction. Focusing on the past prevents you from changing your PRESENT behavior and making the future great. It doesn't matter how you ended up together, that cannot be changed and is not relevant to the present.

Again, they are not pertinent to the present issue. It doesnt matter one whit how or why you got married. You cheated because you have poor boundaries around men. Period. If your husband had been meeting your needs like a superstar, you still would have had an affair if you have pisspoor boundaries around men. If you had not allowed someone else to meet your needs you would not have had an affair.

If you don't recognize this truth, then you are still dangerous to your husband and I can understand why he still brings it up. What is being done to straighten up your loose boundaries around men and protect your husband?

You display common ignorance and you really shouldn't be dispensing advice. It is also obvious that you have not taken the time to read what I have written and you have not taken the time to read the articles on the website.

I do not have poor boundaries around men. I would not have cheated if my needs had been met. I will never cheat again.

Again - READ WHAT I WROTE. I specifically mentioned what I do to assure him this will never happen again. It has been over two years ago and not once I have done a single thing to make him uneasy. I am a hermit in my house. I don't have friends, I don't go out, I don't do ANYTHING. And I haven't for TWO YEARS.

I'm really intrigued why you are at these boards if you disagree with the ideas behind the articles they are based off of. Several times the man who founded this said everyone is programmed to cheat and will cheat given the right circumstances. You, like many other ignorant [censored], automatically assume that people who cheat lose their humanity and just turn into a worthless, [censored].

The discussion between us is over.

If I am ignorant, then why are you here with the bad marriage, dear? You don't know how to save a marriage so it is ludicrous to suggest you know what is or isn't relevant to saving a marriage. You have a bad marriage, after all. Your only experience is with wrecking marriages.

If you want help here, you are going to have to take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth. Folks here can't help you if you won't listen.

And of course you do have poor boundaries around men. You had an affair, which means you allowed another man to meet your needs.

If that is how you talk to your husband I can see why your marriage is on the rocks.

PM, I don't expect you to listen, because I suspect you just came here for validation to dump your husband rather than solve the problem. I can see why your husband is resentful and why he continues to bring up the problem. It is becasue you blame everyone else for your affair. [except you, of course] You blame him because he didn't meet your needs appropropriately and you blame you parents for pressuring you, etc, etc, etc. In other words, you are accountable for NOTHING.

A person who is truly remorseful does not need cite a long list of the percieved wrongs of others.

You claim are not blaming others and then commence...........to blame others. That has to scare the hell out of your husband. Because he knows if you are not accountable for your own behavior in the PAST that you won't be accountable in the FUTURE. Every marriage experiences periods where needs are not met perfectly so your husband understands he will ALWAYS be at risk.

He will be at risk until you admit your affair happened because of poor boundaries around men. And he is assured those boundaries have CHANGED. Otherwise, he knows he will always be in danger.

Piecewise,

The best thing you could do for your marriage is STOP and listen to Melodylane and MaritalBliss. They are two of our best and trying to help you.

Not all our posters get their attention.

So you might want to put down the defensiveness and listen and learn my friend.

Piecewise,

I know it feels like people are being tough on you. Ironically, if you can get passed the initial sting, you'll see these words can empower you. Consider you're mad because you're not getting the sympathy you desired. I understand you felt lonely, disillusioned and needed a friend. You're not a bad person, but in order to grow you have to own responsibility your own actions.

The bottom line is you chose to have the affair. Despite your anguish (and I'm sorry about your parents and disappointing marriage), affairs are never an answer, but you didn't know that at the time. Can you see your pain and the choice to have the affair are separate? You did have a choice, but again, you're not bad, just learning.

Anyway, I just want you to know I understand your story. I feel compassion for you. However, to get to a better place you're going to have to take responsibility for your relationship. You and me both (on different sides of the issue.

Forgive yourself and see if you can create something different with your husband using the techniques here. Sign up for school, meet some friends at church, and learn the techniques recommended here to see if you can find a new spark with your husband.

Best wishes!

They are not problems that "led up" to your affair. You had options - divorce, separation, counselling, affair. You chose the affair.

If these problems have been plaguing your marriage, you and your husband need to fix them. Having an affair doesn't fix these issues.

Sorry, PM. This just really was too funny. Have you been reading here long?
There. That's more accurate. And here you are, discussing separation or divorce. Obviously your method isn't working.

You sound very resentful of your husband. And you sound like you don't trust yourself - voluntarily being a hermit for two years? My FWH was never under 'house arrest' - what would that have proved to me? We've made sure that we affair-proofed our marriage and he navigates nicely through life. I'm curious as to why you haven't done the same. You imply a deep reading of the writings of Dr. Harley - I'm pretty sure he's never suggested that a wayward take themselves out of the general population. Yes, there are certain places you shouldn't go and certain people you should not be around, but locking yourself away in durance vile isn't the answer. As you are seeing.

Have you read this? Extraordinary Precautions