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i am also overcome by constant anxiety. this is a new one for me and there are times I feel like my heart will jump out of my chest. I do not have any allergies and I have/had an iron stomach. Lately I can't seem to keep food down and live on water and coffee.
BW 43
2 kids
married 14 years
can't find peace
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I have to say that I am completely overwhelmed with the support i am receiving here. You are all so amazing. My friends and family have tried but it is here and there. I feel like I have someplace to go and I am not alone. THANK YOU
BW 43
2 kids
married 14 years
can't find peace
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i am also overcome by constant anxiety. this is a new one for me and there are times I feel like my heart will jump out of my chest. I do not have any allergies and I have/had an iron stomach. Lately I can't seem to keep food down and live on water and coffee. This is why Dr. Harley tells women to only be in Plan A for 3 weeks because of health problems and auto immune problems. You've been in this for years. We've had posters suffer from PTSD. Are you going to expose to your children? Have you found out who the OW is?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Seriously considering the exposure to my children but need the right time and place to talk it through. Want to be able to talk to them without breaking down constantly like a basket case.
Can't find the OW. Constantly seeking but no luck. I think she mentions her last name on the recorded conversations but I just can't bring myself to listen to them again right now. Even with her name (and I know her husband's name is Nikos) I still have to find a way to figure out who they are. Another fear is that her husband might be on to her and with this new info he might divorce her. I have her 15 hours away right now and if she is thrown out of her house, loses her kids.. I think she would come straight to my husband.
BW 43
2 kids
married 14 years
can't find peace
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zouzouni, you are getting great advice from the others. Please sit your children down and tell them about their fathers affair. Tell them how unhappy he is making you. They must have the facts about this situation. If you don't tell them the truth, your H will tell them lies about you. Don't let them remain in a state of confusion about their own lives. Dr. Harley on telling the children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
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A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside. Go to 8:40 in this clip: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3694and then it finishes up here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3695
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Seriously considering the exposure to my children but need the right time and place to talk it through. Want to be able to talk to them without breaking down constantly like a basket case.
Can't find the OW. Constantly seeking but no luck. I think she mentions her last name on the recorded conversations but I just can't bring myself to listen to them again right now. Even with her name (and I know her husband's name is Nikos) I still have to find a way to figure out who they are. Another fear is that her husband might be on to her and with this new info he might divorce her. I have her 15 hours away right now and if she is thrown out of her house, loses her kids.. I think she would come straight to my husband. Did you listen to the radio clip that I posted to you on telling the children? You don't know what OW's BH will do. Most likely he will be your biggest ally and end the affair on OW's end. Can you have a friend listen to hear the name?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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If I expose this to my children, they will have to keep it a secret. If my husband finds out, there is a very good chance that he will go into a rage and my children will be left without a mother. I honestly and truly fear for my life in telling them and that is why I am so hesitant. Them knowing and keeping it a secret might be worse than them not knowing.
I have been pinned by a pair of scissors at the neck, this would be the worst thing I have ever done in his eyes.
Last edited by zouzouni; 05/25/12 01:34 PM.
BW 43
2 kids
married 14 years
can't find peace
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Plus don't you think OW's BH has a right to know? Wouldn't you want to be told?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Yes,I want to find the OW's husband. I really do.
BW 43
2 kids
married 14 years
can't find peace
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Yes,I want to find the OW's husband. I really do. Can you have a friend listen to the tape to get her name?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Celius and buspirone might be a good starting point. Celius will take 2 to 3 weeks to work. The buspirone can help with anxiety. It looks like both are not narcotics in greece, so you should be able to ask for them. I dont know how the pharmacies are there or if there are language barriers if they do mot speak english, but they should be able to answer questions about dosages amd recommemdations. If not, i will help out.
"Get busy living, or get busy dying"...... The Shawshank Redemption.
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I'll make my self listen next week while he is at work. Even then, I will need to see how I can find them as they live on an island.
BW 43
2 kids
married 14 years
can't find peace
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Thank you. I will try to get to a pharmacy this weekend to see what they say and will let you know.
BW 43
2 kids
married 14 years
can't find peace
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I'll make my self listen next week while he is at work. Even then, I will need to see how I can find them as they live on an island. Try this when you get the name. Trying to figure out identity
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Briainhurts, I tried every website I could find on identity and there are very few listings for Greece or she is scared and hiding herself to the best of her ability. I know I would be... I haven't given up and I won't.
On another joyous note... About 3 weeks after my husband met this woman and had sex with her, I started a bad yeast infection. When I found out about the affair, I had my period 3 times in a row. I chalked them both up to stress. Then the yeast came back and I used a 3 day cure. Got my period a 4th time (yeah my body is really going through the ringer) and now, 4 days after it stopped, I have the yeast back but this is different than your average infection. I am very worried about an STD. Have to take some time off my new job to go get tested now. Thankfully I can make an appointment with H's insurance and not pay for it. I'll tell the doc everything and ask for a full workup. This is like the gift that keeps on giving.
BW 43
2 kids
married 14 years
can't find peace
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I'm so sorry to hear this latest, zz. Please get fully tested as soon as possible, and don't go near your H ever again unless he is tested and clear, and you can see he is not in an affair. We can acquire some STDs without penetrative sex. I believe that the HPV virus is like that, and this can lead to fatal cervical cancer.
Your situation is probably one in which there are no good answers. Whatever you do is likely to result in someone getting hurt. It is just a case of choosing the lesser of the hurts.
If it were me and there really was no way to leave with the children, I�d probably stick it out for another six years with a view to leaving immediately that time is up. However, if your H becomes very abusive, your health or even life might be at risk. You need to have somewhere to escape to in an emergency.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I am going to stick it out for as long as possible. At least for the 6 years I need to. Maybe by then his affair will be over!
I have a lead on the OW's H and going to make some phone calls today to see if it is him.
I also have an appointment with a gyno later this week.
The children have a day off next Monday and we will have time alone. I will talk to them then but I am still not sure if them keeping it a secret is going to be the best way to go about it.
Right now there is peace and I feel much better. I am over the shock and H hasn't done anything to upset the balance so I am thinking clearly for the first time in a month. I have decided not to take anti depressants or anything for the anxiety as I have started to eat normally again this weekend and I slept so much that I feel caught up.
After all the reading and all the advice, I am not believing a word H says and I am still checking on him as much as possible.
There are 2 things that happened over the weekend that I am confused about. Maybe someone can shed some light or offer their opinion?
1) A song about being in love was on the radio and I asked my husband "Are you in love" He started laughing nervously and after a considerable amount of time I asked again and said "maybe you are in love with 2 people?" and she said "yes, "I am in love with my children."
2) I had sent the OW a message on the 2nd DDay asking her to leave him alone and telling her that she is killing him, our family and that my children are suffering. I said "He is MINE." She answered the next day saying "he is yours, I will not bother him ever again." My H asked me to look at that account. I had never mentioned the messages. I asked him why and he said that I check on him all the time so he wants to check on me. I immediately knew that she told him, which means that they are still in contact. He denied it and opened the messages to see them. Then he argued with me relentlessly to delete them and I told him I would only delete them if he told me why it was so important. He did not have an answer.
BW 43
2 kids
married 14 years
can't find peace
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I am going to stick it out for as long as possible. At least for the 6 years I need to. Maybe by then his affair will be over!
I have a lead on the OW's H and going to make some phone calls today to see if it is him.
I also have an appointment with a gyno later this week.
The children have a day off next Monday and we will have time alone. I will talk to them then but I am still not sure if them keeping it a secret is going to be the best way to go about it.
Right now there is peace and I feel much better. I am over the shock and H hasn't done anything to upset the balance so I am thinking clearly for the first time in a month. I have decided not to take anti depressants or anything for the anxiety as I have started to eat normally again this weekend and I slept so much that I feel caught up.
After all the reading and all the advice, I am not believing a word H says and I am still checking on him as much as possible.
There are 2 things that happened over the weekend that I am confused about. Maybe someone can shed some light or offer their opinion?
1) A song about being in love was on the radio and I asked my husband "Are you in love" He started laughing nervously and after a considerable amount of time I asked again and said "maybe you are in love with 2 people?" and she said "yes, "I am in love with my children."
2) I had sent the OW a message on the 2nd DDay asking her to leave him alone and telling her that she is killing him, our family and that my children are suffering. I said "He is MINE." She answered the next day saying "he is yours, I will not bother him ever again." My H asked me to look at that account. I had never mentioned the messages. I asked him why and he said that I check on him all the time so he wants to check on me. I immediately knew that she told him, which means that they are still in contact. He denied it and opened the messages to see them. Then he argued with me relentlessly to delete them and I told him I would only delete them if he told me why it was so important. He did not have an answer. I hope all goes well at your gyno visit. Prayers sent up. Yes his response is very normal for an addictive wayward. One of my WH's OW said that same thing and I knew right away she was still in contact with him. That's when I blew up their world and exposed to her BH in person and on facebook and to all his footballl budies. Can you email the radio show? They will pull the reverse fog talk to take the light off them and on you. Such a typical wayward tactic. Have you read these? Never take the word of a Wayward Craziest thing to come out of a Wayward's Piehole
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Please listen to these radio clips of Dr. Harley advising a woman whom her H has been physcial with. Radio clip Segment #2 Segment #3
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Did some searching today. Found secret email account that he denies having. Can't hack into it. It is a @live.com account. Also visited his Facebook page and saw several love songs that he posted so only a certain woman's friends could see them. That woman is not the OW but she might be another one or a friend of the OW. I blocked and deleted her from his FB.
CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!
BW 43
2 kids
married 14 years
can't find peace
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