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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757 |
PM, I don't expect you to listen, because I suspect you just came here for validation to dump your husband rather than solve the problem. I can see why your husband is resentful and why he continues to bring up the problem. It is becasue you blame everyone else for your affair. [except you, of course] You blame him because he didn't meet your needs appropropriately and you blame you parents for pressuring you, etc, etc, etc. In other words, you are accountable for NOTHING.
A person who is truly remorseful does not need cite a long list of the percieved wrongs of others.
You claim are not blaming others and then commence...........to blame others. That has to scare the hell out of your husband. Because he knows if you are not accountable for your own behavior in the PAST that you won't be accountable in the FUTURE. Every marriage experiences periods where needs are not met perfectly so your husband understands he will ALWAYS be at risk.
He will be at risk until you admit your affair happened because of poor boundaries around men. And he is assured those boundaries have CHANGED. Otherwise, he knows he will always be in danger.
I wonder how it is that your parents' religion was so constraining that it caused you to be married against your better judgement, yet so uninfluential that it permitted you to cheat on your husband? Do you see any flaws in your logic?
You want to save a marriage after an affair? Having subjected my own wife to this sort of thing, I can tell you that you won't get where you want to be unless you own your choices. You've not been owning your choices very well, from what I can see.
You make it sound like life conspired, with a gun to your head, to make you marry a stranger and then cheat on him.
You were of legal age. You were in the United States of America, where you were free to make your own choices and free to say "Adios" to your parents if you felt like they were making you live a life of religious servitude. (Even if your parents made you get married, did they make your husband marry you? I doubt it.) You chose your path. You chose not to make much of a fuss about others' suggestions or pressure regarding your path. But even the choice not to make a fuss was still a choice -- your choice.
And you chose to get friendly with another man at work.
Maybe there are some changes your husband needs to make in order to become a better person & a better husband. Maybe he needs to grow up, put down the damned video-game controller that he uses for a pacifier and be a man. But you can't realy control any of that directly. You can only control your side of the ledger -- your choices and your actions. Maybe if you do a better job at owning your stuff, he might see a more winsome, sympathetic woman than the one he probably sees now -- one who always seems to be blaming her past, or the choices of other people. The onus is on you to help him feel emotionally safe with you again. That has to be the first step.
But helping him to feel emotionally-safe will be impossible for you to do if he sees, in you, a woman who generally doesn't take full accountability for her choices. If you are not fully accountable to yourself for the things that you do & the decisions you make, then -- as Melody said -- there's little to help him feel confident that you won't cheat again someday. That's a scary, vulnerable emotional situation for your husband to be in -- even if he doesn't express it the way you'd prefer.
If you want to save your marriage & make it better than it was before (which needs to be your goal, since the pre-affair marriage obviously wasn't cutting it), then you need to start by owning your choices, apologizing for them in full (not with qualifications or caveats attached), and helping your husband feel emotionally safe again. If you're serious about being interested in saving your marriage, that's the path you'll take.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389 |
You blame everyone and everything except yourself and your choices for cheating on him.
Please tell me, WHY should he not have resentment?
What "communication" do you think you give that does anything to circumvent the fact that you take no responsibility for what you have done?
He has no reason to believe that you will never do this again because you offer nothing but empty words. You do realize that your words are empty, right? You understand that people do not change when they blame external factors for their actions?
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736 |
I can see why your husband is full of resentment. You have the affair, and blame others.
You are not a safe spouse. So far, you are rejecting the advice of those with the most experience in marriage building.
Stop doing the things that are guaranteed to foster the resentment your husband has.
Own your affair, own your choices, own your selective logic regarding your parents religion, etc.
Stop looking externally for the problems. That doesn't help. Look at how you respond to negative aspects of your marriage and learn better behaviors.
Folks here are ready to teach those willing to learn.
Are you willing to learn?
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