Facts:

Married 11 years, together for 2
2 children ages 6 and 10
Marriage good until 3 years into it, husband withdrew emotionally & physically
Lied repeatedly when asked why
Hired a therapist -- he lied and charmed her
Refused to have discussions with me about his personality change, made me the "bad guy" for wanting to talk

He finally confessed 5 years ago, 3 years after the fact, to having a 1.5 year attraction to a woman he worked with. Again, this started 8 years ago and he no longer works with her. He says they flirted and he was obsessed with her but NOTHING happened. Apparently he says this is why his personality changed.

He also confessed to drinking with and inviting a different woman to his hotel room in Las Vegas on a business trip (7 years ago). I always told him to be careful before his Las Vegas trips. This happened after the attraction and while I was at home with a sick child. I do not know this MARRIED woman. He says they talked and kissed but that he decided to leave before more happened.

I posted for the first time yesterday and someone mentioned he must have done more. How am I supposed to find that out? He emphatically denies it. Believe me I've been asking him for 5 years!

For 8 years I have been living with an enigma. He has a temper and it's as if I have no right to ask about anything. I feel so alone and quite uneasy most of the time. I keep trying to heal with him but I hit this absolute WALL of confusion. This looks like having an okay day together and at night I start asking him how he could have done it. He starts snapping like a cornered animal. I usually hold onto a phone because his anger freaks me out.

Let's take last night as an example. I got him to read Dr. H's Basic Concepts section with me. He then began snapping at me. I don't like his anger -- it belittles and kills me. I want to take my kids, jump in my car and RUN. I don't really respect this guy. He scares his wife, lies, cheats...what's noble in that? What can I respect/hold onto?

Basically he seems mad that I'm smart enough to call him out. He doesn't really like having it called to his attention. I refuse to be intimidated.

He just doesn't care how he treats me. I've put my life into trying to build his self-esteem, supporting all his efforts. I've hidden this from all our friends because I don't want to destroy his reputation which I think will effect our kids' lives.

What do I do with the temper and his mean spirit?

I'm really hurting...

A

Finding, I am so sorry to hear about this.

The first thing you need to do is repost this to your original thread and let this one die. You should try to keep one thread going if you are essentially posting about the same issue.

Use the "quote" button at the bottom of your post, block and copy the entire quote including the brackets [quote] and [/ quote], go to your first thread, hit "reply" and paste in what you have just blocked.

You're not alone. Hit notify and ask the MODS to merge your threads.

You need to figure out who these women are.

Can you install a keylogger? Don't try to educate him on Dr. Harley's concepts because he won'tisten if he's in an affair.

Can you put spyware on his phone? Can you hire a PI?

I know you're hurting right now but can you act like Mrs. James Bond so you can get to the bottom of this?
Read this. Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Okay, this obviously isn't the place for me. =(

The administrative critiques feel really unkind to me. Yesterday I tried to post for the first time and was baraged with criticisms about my screen name which was 2 names put together that mean something to me. I was a little surprised by the response so I took everyone's advice and changed my name and tried to post again. However, the fact that my original post was all about my screen name caused people to stop posting. I thought I'd try again today, but now I'm being told I have to go back and paste this one to the other. I'M HURTING. I hope when you hurt you don't find people who nitpick over minute details.

Best wishes to everyone.

We are trying to help you.

You need to snoop to find out about his affair.

Can you install a keylogger? Spyware on the phone.

Your first plan of action is to kill the affair. Can you be Mrs. James Bond and snoop?

Can you do this Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Read this by Dr. Harley. Snooping is it wrong?

Have you read this? How To Survive Infidelity

FM, no one is trying to be unkind to you. We're trying to help you. First of all, it is unsafe for you to put together two names that mean something to you. If they mean something to YOU, they'll mean something to someone else who may use what you say here against you. Never use personally identifying information on the internet.

Next, it is common for hurting posters to start more than one thread. We ask them to stay on one thread so the other posters don't miss important posts because they're not reading the second thread. It keeps your information in one spot.

I have some thoughts for you, but I'm going to post them to your other thread. I hope to see you over there.

You are totally in the right place girl!

Especially since you have been dealing with the gaslighting nightmare for a few years.

You can use us! We will help you!

Your skin is very thin....thicken it up to get to work to work a plan to have POWER.

FWH, don't leave! People are not giving you these tips to be unkind, but to be helpful. People didn't stop posting because of your name, but because it is a weekend and a holiday weekend at that. Things tend to get real slow over the weekends because we are spending time with our families. And it really is best to keep to one thread so folks can keep your story straight. It is very hard to post to someone when you have to go read other threads. When that happens, responses really do slow down. Folks are telling you this so you can get the best help!

Please come back, friend.

I'm really sorry to hear that you thought this post was unkind. I was trying to help, not hurt, but clearly I did the wrong thing.

I apologise for making you want to leave. Please do not stay away. I'll stay away from your thread instead.

Awww, thanks, Everyone! I probably am being too sensitive. I have felt REALLY low the past couple of mornings. Been trying really hard be tough and find some sort of solid ground so I can trust something. I've been hanging in limbo land for so long. It's rather horrifying and I can hardly believe I've been living like this for so many years. Smiling and pretending it's all okay.

I will post back at the original thread. Good points about the name. I wasn't thinking. Thanks for the reassurance and reaching out!

SugarCane, it's okay please feel free to post.

Thanks so much!

Come back!! We won't let you leave!!

So glad you came back friend.
You can just ask the mods to merge your two threads and then it will all be together.

We understand the feeling because we've been there. ((( )))