I see you (Who's Online) reading so many threads on this forum.
Do you need help?

Regards ...

who are you talking about ???

The name is the thread title.

Can_Not_Believe

I see him/her reading threads from this forum all the time.
Some of them really ancient threads too.
I wonder if this poster needs help.

They're HEEEEEERE!!!!!

Hi, llewis!

Can_Not_Believe, good morning I see you again and on a 2006 thread.

Hello

Boy - I had to think for a moment -- "I think that's me."!!

I guess I do have a problem - given all of the threads I've been reading. I don't have time to get into it right now - but -- I will come back and post later.

Just a quick "thanks" for reaching out.

Can Not Believe

Okay - I'm back -- and this is a very brief synopsis.

My husband and I have been married for 40 years (April - 1972). We met in college (his freshman - my sophomore year). We were very much in love - crazy in love. When we met - I was actually engaged (ring and everything) to my middle school - high school sweetheart. We started out as friends - and once I found out that my fiance had actually had a baby with my high school "best friend" (thru 10th grade) - we became closer - and - feeling no guilt - we eloped my senior year - his junior. We told our families a year later - and during his senior year - (I went on to graduate school) - and my first year in my Master's program - we moved in together on campus (MARRIED STUDENTS APARTMENT)- and both graduated at the same time - he with Bachelors - me with Masters. When we got married - he was 20 - I was 21. We finally told our families - and all was well.

We moved to his home state (salaries were higher) and settled in. In 1975 - he left me for 3 weeks - (between Thanksgiving and Christmas) saying he wanted to experience living on his own. Well - what can I do?

He came back - I thought things were on track - then in 1977 - he did it again. From April 15 - though October 1977. Being the STRONG person I am - I told him to "GO"!! The LAST thing I would do was let him "Bring Me Down".

He swore up and down that it had nothing to do with another women. That he loved me - but he never had a chance to "experience" life!!. So - I was devastated - and I cried and cried - but - also prayed and prayed - for peace of mind.

I made myself go out - interacted with friends - joined my church choir - and went on with life. I even started dating another guy. I told him to go ahead and file for divorce. I was even bold enough to take my friend to his sister's house on a date (we were - are - very good friends).

In October 1977 - he called asking to come over. I told him - No - Sorry - got a date. YES I DID!!

Well - seems like - again - he realized that he loved me and there was NOTHING out there better than me!! So - after much talking - I DECIDED to give him another chance. He wanted to start a family. We had our first child in Oct - 1978. what A joyous OCCASION.

Life was GOOD. We went on - prospered - had our 2nd son in May 1983. I always considered us BLESSED. We really lived a good life - traveled every summer. New (and bigger) house every 5 years for 15 years. The time-share-resort lifestyle every summer with the kids - fabulous vacations to Hawaii - England - France. I had so much PRIDE in my family - our accomplishments - and my marriage. So MANY people look up to us - in both families (very large --and -- accomplished) families on both sides.

We semi-retired from his home state and moved back to my home state - both got back into the same profession - built our last "this is it" dream house and life was GOOD - Excellent.

On a Friday - August 13, 2010 - (it was raining and around 7:30 pm) - my husband told me that he had to talk to me. What he said has changed me so profoundly - even my brain chemistry - my likes and dislikes - my concentration levels - everything - and that is why I am still reeling to THIS day!!

He started talking about how he hates to tell me this - he is SSSooooo sorry he has to tell me this - all these words. He really scared me. I though he was going to tell me a story about someone with a terminal disease or death. Oh No - He told me that he received a call from a women he knew when he was working at the first job back in in his home state and she said she had a son by him. Naturally - I asked how OLD is this child - well - at the time my oldest was 31 - my youngest 27. This boy was 29. BETWEEN my two kids. I went into SHOCK and still feel like I am.

This women called to say that this boy is very disillusioned with life - he is divorced with five (get this --5--) children. His wife had an affair and the 5th child is not his - but he divorced her and took ALL the children. This women married another guy and lead this boy to believe that another man was his father (his name is this man's name - with the --III-- tacked on (just like my oldest - he has his father's and grandfather's name.). Apparently the man was very abusive to the mother and they divorced. When this boy was 16 -she told him he - in fact - had another father.

So she goggled my husband - found his address - and called him.

That's part I of this story.

Technically - after hearing the whole story -- most people would probably say - I don't have a problem. My husband is VERY-VERY remorseful - and has done EVERYTHING you name it - he has done it -. But even finding out -- 30 years later --
whether this boy is my husband's or not (he refused a paternity test) - the pain was such that it just happened - and it HAS changed me.

More later.

Can Not Believe

CNB,

There is an element of betrayal that never goes away, I was in denial of my W's affair for 20+ years.

One of the strongest feelings I have is that those years were degraded, as my W was never able to be fully in the marriage, because of her guilt and the romantic fantasy she cherished of her time with OM2.

And yes when I blundered into MB it felt like it happened yesterday.

God Bless
Gamma

Welcome Can_Not_Believe and thanks for sharing your story.

I'm so sorry for what had to bring you here but there are some wonderful people who have walked in your shoes and can help you.

Have you ever thought about calling the Harleys?

Even though the affair happened 30+ years you just found out so your Dday is very fresh.

Is your WH talking with his OC?

Yes - you are SO right - there is an element that never seems to go away.

Part II

After telling me the story - I GRILLED him for days. He answered all my questions as best he could being that it was 30 years ago.

Apparently - this person went into the military and he hadn't seen or spoken to her in 2 - 3 years. She came home for her grandmother's funeral - looked him up - and contacted him.

During this time - we lived in one area - he worked about 35 miles away in one direction - and I worked 50 miles away in another. So - after we got back together in 1977 - and had our first child - we bought our 2nd house in the area closest to my job (1980) - and - he stayed with a friend (to both of us) during the week - and came home every weekend (Friday). Left on Monday morning to go back. Our relationship was so good and we were so tight that it never even dawned on me to worry about him. He was so involved with us and family things - to me all was well. We are both in the field of education - so all holidays and summers we were together constantly.

Well -she came home - and I guess because she was there for this funeral - she looked him up - and they did it. For him - since she was stationed in Hawaii - he had what's called "opportunity sex". He said after that one time - she left to go back - and that was it. Never called her or spoke to her again. That he felt so bad that he vowed to himself he would never do anything like that again. Maybe that's why he was such a good husband - most of the time - in ALL respects. NEVER did I even have even an INKLING that something was amiss or awry.

Apparently she went back - discovered she was pregnant - and married this other guy who thought the baby was his. However - she felt it was my husbands.

How do I know this? - her son actually called me. After the initial contact - he called this boy at the Mother's urging. This boy was looking for a father. He wrote the boy a letter (i read it - edited it - and mailed it). Mostly he talked about how sorry he was that his involvement with his Mother hurt me - his wife. That as men - they had to discuss how best to handle this. That he was just as much a victim as me and that he would like to have a paternity test.

In the meantime - I discovered this site and started reading - reading - reading. I was so conflicted. My husband has mentored several young boys and felt he owed the boy - something. However - from the very beginning - he told me WHATEVER I wanted to do - however we handle this - it was left up to me.

I felt guilt for not wanting to have ANYTHING to do with this situation. My husband had to hold me TIGHT every night for over a year - my grief was so deep. i truly wanted to do "the right thing" - but I felt I was selfish.

I did not want my boys (neither are married - no children) exposed to this - my family - or his family having to deal with this knowledge - my shame and embarrassment - their shame and embarrassment - we are so well-known and high profiled - our families the same - the certain loss of respect - the scandal - the world of Facebook and the internet - BLOWING UP my world - oh my GOD - what a hypocrite I was. Here I am - a children's advocate ALL my life - and now this?!!! I cried so many tears because i wanted NOTHING to do with that boy (or his 5 children).

But - I was going to FORCE myself to "do the right thing."
So I told my husband I wanted to see him to see who he looked like. My boys - especially the oldest - looks EXACTLY like their father. They have more of his features than mine.

Well that was when my husband told me that he actually went to see the boy himself (before he told me the story) when he went home to visit his Mom for a week in June. We all live in different states (the OC mom - her son - and us). Since we moved to my home state - his mom is in her 80's so he went home for a week once a year - visit his old workplace etc. This boy lives halfway between so he stopped by and spent the night at this boys house). The boy gave him pictures of himself and kids. He looks nothing like my husband - no features - nothing. My husband said the minute he saw the boy - he looked for something of him - NOTHING. He thought the boy would favor one of his sons. NADA. He immediately felt that this boy was NOT his child. He felt no connection. My husband's family have very prominent features and they ALL favor each other. This boy has Nothing of that. He saw a picture of the other guy and thought immediately that the boy looked like the other guy - not him.

So - I had trickle truth. Well - after the OC got the letter - he called me immediately - that was Sept 20, 2010.

I was in SHOCK!! he identified himself - and we spoke over 90 minutes. He started off saying he didn't want anything from us. I was able to verify a lot of things - so I was able to believe my husband's story. The boy spoke about his Mom - said she was the black sheep of her family - does not get along with her 2 siblings - had a very abusive marriage - that he always felt that this man was not his father - that he got his height from my husband (apparently this other guy was short)and that it happened over 30 years ago - and it shouldn't bother me , etc. That his mom told him when he was 16 that the other guy was not his father. That he has known for 12 years and decided that he wanted to get to know his "real" father.

Well - when he said that - we hung up amicably - and I decided to write him a letter. I wanted him to know and understand MY hurt.

So I wrote him - (2 pages) and sent about 8 articles - from this site - about the devastating effects of affairs - trust and honesty in a marriage - how children and adult children - family - are affected - children born from affairs - the kind of people who have affairs - the best way to recover, etc. and that the only pain I can compare this to is the sudden loss of my brother in a car accident. (I was 22 - my brother 20).

I told him I wanted to embrace him in the family - AND - I was willing to do it over the Xmas holidays - but we had to know the TRUTH first - Are YOU his son. This was my conflict. I DID NOT WANT TO DO THIS. I just wanted to do the right thing. I felt like a hypocrite!!!

I forgot to mention - every time my husband mentioned a paternity test - he ignored it. The truth was - my husband did NOT want to be the father of that boy.

My husband PRAYED every night - holding me TIGHT - that that boy was NOT his child. I - in the meantime - was still TRYING to do what I THOUGHT was the best thing.

I also mentioned in the letter - that if we were to interact with him - that his Mother could NEVER be around. If we were to visit him - let it be known that she will NEVER be a part of OUR life. She actually lives in another state herself.

Well - apparently she FOUND the letter - got upset - and told her son she was going to call and tell me off. He called my husband to warn him - and my husband apparently called her and threatened her if she EVER calls me. When he told me I said I want the B**** to call me. God - PLEASE let her call me.

Well - right then and there I said "F" it. Everything I read has been true - about these types of people and situations. I then changed my mind and wanted NOTHING to do with any of them.

And then I ran across "LYNN G". And from that point - my course has been clear. EVEN IF he turns out to be his son - I will never tell my children or our family. He will NEVER be allowed to visit us here - not in MY home. I did not cause this - his mother did. I will not carry her shame or my husband's in front on MY whole world. I will not be an object of pity- ridicule - or glee for anybody. It is MY ONE life.

So I told my husband - no matter what YOU decide ultimately - this is where I am and I will NOT change my mind. If WE have any type of relationship with him - it will be in his State.

I have so wanted to thank LYNN G and she has NO idea how reading her threads have helped me with the guilt of this whole thing. I now understand why "Do Not Commit Adultery" is one of the 10 commandments. It DESTROYS - DESTROYS - DESTROY.

Okay

Part III later.

Can Not Believe

Welcome to the MB forums.
I'm so pleased you've decided to join us!

Welcome Can_Not_Believe! I am so sorry to hear about your story but so relieved you found Lynn's posts! I believe that one of the biggest problems in these situations are the dreadful decisions made out of GUILT over the OC. Thank goodness you know enough to not adopt inappropriate guilt.

Glad to have you aboard.

Can_Not, I'd like to offer my opinion.

I'd make a paternity test mandatory before any sort of relationship begins with OC. It is highly significant that this adult OC refuses a paternity test.
Particularly when there is little to no physical resemblance. Also significant that he has experienced an OC in his own marriage, one would think he'd appreciate the value of PROOF.

And for OW's reaction to you not wanting any part of her .... that as well makes me HIGHLY suspicious that she has no friggin' idea who her son's bio-father is. She/OW is hoping she named the correct past lover. It seems to me, OW may have picked your husbands name from a list of possible fathers BECAUSE your family is prominent !!!!!

All of this stinks to high heaven.

No paternity test - the curtain is pulled on both of them. Forever.

As far as your marriage goes, I have no doubt you will find your way out of this mess and get your life back on track. If there is no paternity testing done, you still have the newly discovered adultery to deal with. BUT, without the additional burden of an OC.

Keep posting, please.

Yes!!!! What Pep said. Couldnt have said it better myself!!! Welcome CNB!

My stance continues to be that until there is DNA proof, OC doesnt exist.

So sorry that you are dealing with this but u are in the right place.....

Good Morning

To all of you who responded. Thank You!!

Pep - (I feel like I know you - I've read so much from you - as you probably know) - you are EXACTLY right. No paternity test - No Deal! -- and - I "AM" off-track in my life.

Part III

Okay - initially my husband TOLD me about the situation (the phone call) - supposedly after the initial contact from the OW (8-13-2010).

It turns out - she called him the end of May - 2010. He said he didn't tell me anything until August - 2010 because he did not want to ruin our summer vacations (we had 2 planned for that summer).

Once I started insisting to see this boy - this when when my husband admitted that he - in fact - did go to see the boy. He said I didn't tell you because I didn't want to "lay" too much on you at one time. Okay - now I know that's "trickle truth".

So - I had to experience MORE shock and trauma. He pulls out the pictures. I must have stared at those pictures a thousand times (before I destroyed them in June - 2011)- looking for - something - anything that could tie this boy to my husband. I saw - nothing -!! I was looking for some type of resemblance to my kids - I saw NOTHING. So for a moment - my soul was at peace.

Then I asked - was the mother there when you went. Keep in mind she lives close to 800 miles away in another state (I goggled her address and the boys address after doing a reverse cell phone # search). He said yes. I asked if it was planned - he said - no - the boy must have told her I was stopping by - so she decided to show up. (after reading here - once again typical behavior for these types of people). I asked what did you talk about - he said mostly about the boy and his kids. That she didn't stay long - they didn't eat together - etc. That she said she was divorced (2 times I believe) and retired on disability from the military. What a great kid her son was - the grands - etc. That she looked old and like one of those people who look all wrinkled up after losing weight.

To my mind - she was trying to create this little "family" aura with him and her and the grands.

That was when I told him that I want you to NEVER talk to her again in LIFE and that he needs to tell her. I then went back and got a "detailed" list of our cell phone calls - and saw her number several times between May and August. Mostly she called him - minutes usually around 3 - 5. A couple for 8 - and 1 for 15 minutes (isn't it funny how you remember details like that?).

I asked why did she call him all those times. He said to talk about the boy. I said "why?" that boy is a GROWN man. He can talk for himself.

So -this was when we wrote the first letter that I mailed - then the boy called me 9-20-2010. And guess what - one of the things I remember from that conversation that was in addition to his wife's infidelity and 5th child - he ALSO had a daughter - out there - that he thought was his - bonded with - then found out she "wasn't" his and how that hurt - an I'm thinking - dammmnnn - what kind of family is this?

Anyway - we planned to go visit him. Every time we came up with a date - my husband managed to find a reason not to go. It's about an 8 hour drive from our house to his. By October - 2010 - I realized my husband does NOT want to do this. After I wrote the letter I mentioned and sent the articles - this was when it came out that the OW read it and got upset and wanted to tell me off. This was when my husband called her and told her to back off of me because I did nothing wrong this happened in October - 2010.

This was when ( I ) we decided - no - No Xmas get-together - in fact the opposite. No family interactions EVER. So my husband did call the boy to tell him that we could not get-together for the holidays again - something came up. My husband said he seemed surprised and disappointed. What did he EXPECT?

Anyway - we were suppose to go in January - then April - and then finally June. All I wanted was the paternity test done so I could end all the speculation in my mind.

During this time my husband hardly ever called him because he felt no connection. What could they talk about? He didn't KNOW this boy. The boy did text him once. Since I am now diligently checking all phone call records - if the boy called - he ALWAYS told me. We never heard from the mother again (to my knowledge).

Okay - Finally June - 2011. We are going - no IF - ANDS - or BUTTS - we are going. I even ordered two (2) DNA swab kits. I wanted this test OVER.

We wrote the letter (my husband ALWAYS avoided calling the boy) giving him the date we would be there. Booked a hotel room for the weekend. Told him we had the kits for DNA and it was a simple "cheek swab".

Well - my husband and I walked into the house one Saturday from a graduation bar-be-cue party. His cell phone rang - and my house phone rang at the same time. He clicked oh his phone - I answered my house phone. It was the Boy and he was MAD!

However you do it - he sent the same message electronically -
to both phones at the same time - along these lines: (what I can remember)

Mom - I love you and I have always known who I am. (My husband's name) xxxxxx You are not a man. You are a coward. You have your children and I have mine. I hope you treat your children well. I hope you treat them kindly. And the answer is NO!! I will never take a paternity test. You are not my father. I am not your son. Please don't bother to call me back or ever reply to this.

And he hung up.

My husband and I looked at each other in SHOCK. I said he is afraid. I said he is the coward. Seems to me like he would WANT to KNOW that my husband WAS INDEED his father. I would. I would want to prove to the world that this is my father. He is afraid and he probably doubts it himself.

My husband got on his knees and said "thank you God"!! He said you have no idea what a weight - a burden - has been lifted from me. He said my head feels a million times lighter. He said he does not have to worry - he will NEVER hear from me again. I only hope and pray I never hear from him either.

At this point - I'm feeling sorry for the boy and said - well I'm glad he loves his mother. He should love his mother. That is a good thing. And I'm glad his mother loves him. I hope she loves him the same as I love my boys. Good for them.

Just leave us the HELL alone.

Since then - no contact. It'll be a year this coming weekend since that call.

Okay - so what IS my problem?

I guess that will be Part IV - which is where I am now.

Can Not Believe

He's lying. I can flat out tell you, he's lying. Sure, they spoke of that "boy", but that's not all they spoke about.





Of course he was mad. You were not following the script.

I have some suspicions, but I will wait until the next chapter ......

PS

GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST.
By all means, vent it out here.