Hi All

Sitting here late at night (in Europe) and not sure if I am in the right place or whether this will help or not. I guess have just had a bad couple of months and felt I needed to talk to someone so I hope that this is ok.

At the moment my wee girl age 7 is sound asleep; my elderly father who is dying of cancer is also asleep - we have had difficulty with Dad lately - he hardly interacts with anyone; has become aggressive and does I think have a serious alcohol problem.

Downstairs is my fiance (that's what I mean - we are not married yet and already having problems! surely not a great sign) - he is ignoring me and I am here - in my bedroom - it is 10pm and typing to you lot in cyber space alone.

They do say to start at the beginning when you don't know where to start but don't want to bore you all; the quick version is we have known each other 5 years; been together 3 and until the last 2-3 months rarely argued - before then the scenario usually was that I would cry and get upset and never ask or pull him up on anything.

Lately what I perceive to be his inconsiderate behaviour I do say how I feel; I try to be constructive but maybe he does not see it that way; tonight after a very very long day (I have a difficult advocacy job so can be quite tiring) I got in the van and he and my daughter were already bickering (I find this upsetting as the things that I would not pull her up on - he does - good example was this a.m; mornings can be manic; I had a big presentation which had not had time to prepare for - winged it in the end but that was not the point; in the midst of me worrying he started on at her to wear one coat over the other - to me so long as she has a coat it really does not matter which one but they both bicker like this all the time).

TOnight when he picked me up the issue was this and even before I put finger to keyboard I know it sounds ridiculous really - when I was writing the invites I asked him who who wanted to invite to the wedding; he was emphatic that he just wanted 4-5 from College. Tonight though he announced that he had invited nearly 12 more - including people (and I think this was what annoyed me) that he has told me he does not like and who he said were loud and obnoxious.

It does sound daft but I felt annoyed - I don't think it is a numbers issue as if it had been his relatives I wouldnt care - I think it is just part of the wider probs we are having.

For example up until this weekend I have had to do most everything - he says it was cos he was busy which I do understand but so was I - so he insisted I write him a list for what needs done; ever since I did so it feels like he is ticking of the 'to do's' and doing so without grace.

The wedding is less than 2 months away - I do love him but part of me does seriously think - we are never going to agree - I cannot be in a relationship where me sayiing something upsets me (right or wrong) means getting ignored for 5 hours - help - just feel so alone.

First off .. Welcome to Marriage Builders!

Sine you are not married yet I suggest you read up on a few things on this website.

Read ALL the BASIC concepts (all the navigation is on the left of the screen or you can click the link at the bottom of each page to go to the next in chronological order). http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html - This will give you the ground works of Dr.harleys program and is a great FREE start.

I would also read "preparing for marriage" - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5510_qa.html

I also suggest you get some of Dr.Harleys books which give greater detail on the concepts here with practical examples and stories to relate to.
1. "BUYERS, RENTERS, and FREELOADERS" !!!
2. "HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS"
3. "HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS for PARENTS" !!!
4. "FALL IN LOVE STAY IN LOVE"
5. "LOVEBUSTERS" !!!

(!!! = most important books)

How much time do you guys spend ALONE .. WITHOUT kids, friends, and relatives? Dr. Harley suggests 15hrs a week MINIMUM. Meeting the 4 INTIMATE needs of Affection, Intimate conversation, Sexual fulfillment, and Recreational companionship.

I also suggest reading a few articles..

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cohabitation.html - Living together before marriage

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_care.html - Caring for children means caring for each other!

Read the links I gave you .. and all the basic concepts. I HIGHLY SUGGEST you get the books 1-5 above and read them with your hubby. Also you said your hubby thinks you drink too much? Did you know that by dismissing his complaint that could be the reason he is withdrawing? If a spouse complains about something .. you SHOULD take action which shows consideration to your boyfriends feelings.

Read this too ... http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048a_qa.html - alcoholic Spouse part 1 (go on and read all 3 parts after you click the link)

I bet after you read all the available info in the links i provided you will come to realize that there is probably a TON of LOVEBUSTERS going on in your marriage on BOTH of your parts. Since you are here you will need to work on YOUR lovebusters and clean up YOUR side of the street. PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR HUBBY about your drinking .. if he says your drinking too much .. YOU ARE!

Please read all i posted to you and come back with your questions.

Please get the books i suggested.

MNG

hi, db65. Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Just yesterday I heard a clip from Dr. Harley's radio show where he addresses a letter from a single lady that sounds a little bit like yours. You might give this a listen:

http://richwith.com/mb/xoldPreviousPrograms/06%20JUNE/MB_060810.mp3

The part I heard starts at about minute 25. Like you the lady has put a couple years into the relationship, and now some conflicts and fights are starting to show up.

Dr. Harley would suggest that for the sake of your future marriage, you and your fiance not live together. It may sound counter-intuitive, but living together before marriage establish habits that later tend to cause the relationship and the marriage to fail!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cohabitation.html

Second, Dr. Harley would absolutely say that if you are planning to get married, and either one of you does not feel absolutely certain about the relationship, put the marriage off until you are. Now is the time to act, delay the date, express your concerns, and see if your fiance is willing to act on them.

Third, Dr. Harley would also say that if a relationship has gone on for over two years and has not gone on to marriage, there is just a real chance that it is not going to make it. Either the relationship tends to get better and better, to the point that both people absolutely want to spend the rest of their lives together, or it fizzles out and one or both do not do what it takes to sustain the passion in the relationship. It sounds like you guys may be hitting something like that. You might get ahold of Dr. Harley's book for singles, Buyers Renters and Freeloaders, and see what it would take to turn the relationship around.