Ladies, thanks for the support.

My IM is on duty again. It should work fine.

I don't have a lot of practice with painting nails, and did not had time today to go professional, so my nails already look the work of a 10 year old (but from a distance they are fine). If I let the boys paint them, who knows???

I also ask my boys about my clothes, etc. I think it's because we know they will be honest with us. My DS9 is always the one telling me what he likes to see me in, etc. My DS11 doesn't really say anything unless I ask him.

My nails are NEON YELLOW today. At my age, the ripe old age of 36, I am doing the neon trend in an age appropriate way. I think I'm gonna put some red hair bling in today as well(it's pretty much hair tinsel, but "Bling" sounds so much cooler ).

The boys don't necessarily need to do your nails, but they can suggest the colours for you. And if they both choose different ones, you can have multi-coloured nails. That's all the rage right now.

Neon yellow, bling, all the rage! I am way too old for all that

No way girl. We aren't too old to feel good.

I say bling all the way!!

Oh wow, estrella! You are really in good hands here. I very much agree that you did the right thing in going back to plan b. The only thing I would suggest is telling him the truth about your feelings. See, he believes that he doesn't have to do anything unless you commit to him. But it is the opposite. You won't make any committments he ends his affair and demonstrates a radical change in his behavior. Otherwise there is nothing here to motivate you to come back. His changes have to assure you that you won't be dealing with this again in the future, because you are not willing to ever take that risk again.

If you would consider taking him back if he made radical changes, I would write him a letter and tell him this. If you aren't willing, I wou
D just file for divorce and be done with it.

The others were correct when they told you he was not serious. He was trying to find a way to keep you around as his option in case his affair wasn't going well.

Hi Mel! Thanks for taking the time to read and advise. I am indeed in good hands. I agree with you. I have been feeling some unfinished business with WH since I re-enter Plan B.

Scotty suggested I wrote a second Plan B letter, but I could not. Now, WH tried to break contact, and I was thinking to send him a note reminding him of propor procedure and also of the path back.

I am not sure if I would ever consider taking him back (even with radical changes), but if there is a small possibility (even if tiny) maybe I do need to send the letter.

Here is my draft. Long and boring. I just wanted to get some input as I am afraid I might have too many LBs on it. Comments appreciated! Thanks All!

"Please stop contacting me directly, all messages should go through our IM. If you want to contact me directly again, before you do, you need to stop all communications and forms of contact with OW1, OW2 and any other woman you have/had an inappropriate relationship with (including erasing them from your facebook or just erasing your facebook altogether).

I know you are still seeing OW. Even if we are separated, we are still married, and this is most disrespectful and inappropriate behavior. If you cannot see this, we do not need to communicate anymore.

You send me back my Plan B letter asking if I remember it. If you are trying to manipulate me into guilty feelings, please stop. I am your wife, not your mother, and that�s how I expect to be treated.

I meant what I wrote in the Plan B letter, even if when I wrote (and yes, I still remember it) I was bleeding inside, betrayed and hurt by the person I was supposed to love and trust the most.

There are a lot of things you could be doing to try to repair the damage you are causing. Maybe this would help me see you in a different light. Right now, with your continuing contact and lies, and no actions, it does not look too good.

I want to be in a marriage where I am respected and loved. I do not think you respected me in our marriage, not as a wife. You had your independent lifestyle, felt free to go out with friends and other women at your whim, and did not share responsibilities on the house and raising the kids.

If you ever want me to consider having a wife-husband relationship with you again, you better start shaping up and change your approach, drastically.

For starters, what are you still doing with OW, when you �try� to come back home? Is this how serious you are?

Then, you need to think how you can repair all the damage you caused. I gave you one idea to start: apologize to the people most hurt by you: me, our kids, our families.

Then, this is the list of conditions that a healthy marriage needs for repair after such damage:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REQUIREMENTS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Humility & Remorse

Surrender emotionally before me and spiritually before God

Owns his choices and the consequences they caused

Apology for the A and hurtful actions before and after

Confession & apology to children & family

MB counseling and online program � follow MB principles

NC Letter/ NC Plan

Provide all cell phone & credit card records � complete honesty and transparency � password access

Phone access/ swapping at request

Complete radical honesty about our entire history together � pass a polygraph

UA 20+ hours together weekly

POJA

Erase all e-mails of OWs/ throw away pictures of trips together (even if OW is not in the picture)

No IB

Clean or delete FB account

No overnight travel by self

No night out without me

Actions, not words

Signed agreement stating will remain faithful while married to me

Share household chores and kids responsibilities

Stop organizing women�s tennis (or anything having to do with women)

EP (yes, you would know what it means if you read the books) to make sure you will never see OW again, including stop playing tennis if necessary (that goes for the other women also � eliminate any means to be in touch with them again).

Stop with love busters (again, you would know what this is, if you read the books). Your disrespectful judgments of how I live my life, what I do with it, what I value, is unacceptable. It is not funny, and I won�t accept being treated like that anymore.

Yes, my job is important to me. So is the group. And my family. And the way I dress and look. They are not more important than you are, they are a measure of what I am, and I expect to be respected as I am.

See, you wrote 3 words to me (and an interrogation mark). I wrote you a real letter. Maybe if you stop your affair, get over the withdrawal period (yes, there is one for every drug) and the fog, you could understand what I am talking about.

Till then, please do not contact me directly anymore."

I felt better just writing it. I guess I am not taking any responsibility for the state of M pre-A, but this is how I feel right now...

Thanks, appreciate your patience and input!

Hi, Estrela. I am not a vet - certainly not Melody. But it helped me to have as much input as possible on my Plan B letter, so here's my two cents - feel free to take it or leave it.

I realize this is a second letter. But my honest opinion is that it is way too long, and way too emotional. You will lose him before he gets halfway through it. He doesn't care how you feel right now. I think he will feel like you are lecturing him, and it will just do damage.

I think all you need to say is, "Please direct all communication through our IM. Pertinent information will be passed on to me by IM. I explained in my previous letter the conditions under which I am willing to speak with you again. Please do not contact me until you are willing to meet those conditions." I really think that's all he needs.

Or if you really feel he needs a bit of a reminder, you could say something like, "Please do not contact me until you are willing to cut off all contact with other women, and work out a plan together to restore our marriage."

He knows you hurt. Clearly, he doesn't care. You are venting, which is great. You got it out now. As you said, it felt good to write it. It's journaling, venting. But don't send it to him. He will see loud and clear how much he is still getting to you - you don't want that.

You already told him your conditions, that you wouldn't speak with him, etc. You broke Plan B, I'm assuming? (I haven't read your entire thread - sorry). I think all he needs is a very succinct reminder that you are back on the path you already outlined for yourself. After that, it's about ACTION, not words. Show him you mean business, and allow no contact. Don't let him get to you.

Good luck!

Rainy,

Thanks, great advice. I was also starting to think that the letter was more of a venting for myself. I guess the anger of his continuing disrespect is still getting at me.

I will ask my IM to remind him of protocol and not to contact me again.

I did not really break Plan B. The problem is he sent me an e-mail to my work e-mail (unexpected) and I saw it. Need to block him there also.

Thanks!

Oh, that's not such a big deal. Good idea to just have your IM handle it. Just have her tell him an email was forwarded to her (and forward it, so you're not lying), and to please remember to direct all contact through her. And then block him. That's easy! Yes, he triggered you. But he doesn't have to know that. You can appear completely unphased, and get right back on the path:)

Sounds like your letter would have been breaking Plan B, so I'm glad you didn't send it.

I think I have a book written by now in my "drafts" email folder. I spout off at WH for a good long while, feel a whole lot better, and then save it to drafts. If I still feel like I should send it in a day or 2, I do. But by then I've usually cooled off and am grateful that I didn't send it. I know it would have only made things worse, and I just needed to get it off my chest.

You're doing great!

estrela do you want to give him a path home?

Do you want to go to Plan D?

If you want to give him a road home then you need to follow Scotty's and Melodylane's advice and send him another Plan B letter stating what he needs to do for you to think about recovery and if not talk to the IM.

Since you broke Plan B and were starting a false recovery I think you should reiterate it.

If you decide you want to go straight to Plan D then just tell him to talk to the IM.

Which one do you want?

Okay, I read back some and saw that Melody and Scotland suggested you write another letter? I'm not sure why? Haven't read your entire thread. They are the pros, though, so don't want to discount what they said. I'm sure they'll be along to clarify for themselves.

But even if they say you ought to write one, I would make it much more short, business-like, and to the point - if it's a second one I don't know how much else you need to say. I would not list so many conditions for him. That list is too daunting; looks impossible. He'd give up before he got started. Maybe you could be more general for the letter: no contact with other women, total honesty and transparency with me, pass a polygraph, no evenings or nights away from home.

Something like that - seems like most things could fall into those categories. Then you can get down to specifics if it really comes to working on a plan to save your marriage - he knows the basics of what he needs to do. That sounds more doable, and not like you will be impossible to please.

Just do Plan B all the way! You will feel better. I just got started myself, but the last few days have been so much more peaceful.

She was told to write another Plan B letter because her and her WH were trying a recovery which ended up being a false recovery because he is still wayward and isn't willing to do the EP's she put in place for her.

I just don't want you to miss this estrela.

Thanks, Brain.

Sorry, Estrela - I guess I don't have enough info here. I'll read more, but listen to these good people who know what they are doing. Wish you the best!

Estrela, I agree it needs to be short and sweet. Just enough to shut the door again and make it clear to him that you are not willing to consider resuming contact until he meets the conditions as outlined in your letter dated XX-XX-XXXX. He thinks that he doesn't have to meet your conditions until you commit to him and he has this backwards.

EXACTLY!!

Good job rainy and of course Mel but she already knows that.

Rainy, BH and Mel!

Thanks for going through this with me.

The only thing is that I am not sure if I want to be open to the possibility of R or go straight to D. I move from one to another, mostly another than one.

But then again, what if he really is ready for it, shouldn't I consider it? Dunno... maybe the damage was too deep this time. I believe in trust, but verify, but you need some trust to work the program. I have none.

I am thinking then to send something short, reiterating need to go through IM, and only contact me when/if NC with OW is established, making no promises to R, only of contact.

Thanks!

The beauty of that message is that you don't have to make a decision now. You can take your time to decide. He is not entitled to reconciliation no matter what he does. If he ends his affair, all you are saying is that you will consider contact. And you may consider not to allow contact.

Refresh my memory, Estrela, have you filed for divorce? If you have not, I would go ahead and file. And if he ends his affair and seriously meets your conditions while waiting for the divorce, you can consider reconcilation. And if he doesn't, then you will be divorced. But going back into Plan B will help you relax enough so that you can make a sound decision about that.

True. I think I was trying to scare him away with MB principles. Not sure it's a good tactic

I need to go back to Plan B and wait either for him to NC, and then see, or for me to be ready to go to D...

Mel, I haven't file yet. I got the forms from the lawyer, filed them up, gave him retainer agreement and payment... then ask him to freeze when WH made attempt to R, which turned out to be FR.