I caught my wife of 22 years in an affair 2 months ago, and she told me she was divorcing me to be with him. She felt no love for me anymore. Two weeks later, after I made him tell his wife, he decided to stay with his wife for his 3 kids. My wife is now in serious withdrawal and unable to even consider thinking about working on our marriage. She can't even tell me if she wants to or not. I have been trying to show her love anyway I can, but it is all backfiring on me. She says it makes her feel more guilty, and she wants me to stop. I am doing my best to do that. She is in individual counseling now to 'work on herself' to overcome withdrawal, rejection, guilt, etc. She now wants to move out for a while and be on her own because she feels uncomfortable around me and the kids (21, 19), and she and her therapist feel like it is preventing her from getting better.

I just need to know what I can do while she is in this withdrawal and is not willing to work on the marriage or let me even attempt to meet her needs. Her being out of the house won't help either. Any ideas would be helpful.

Oh wow, I am just sick because this "counselor" is probably going to destroy your marriage. Counselors are so destructive to marriages that sometimes they actually succeed.

Is your wife in ANY contact with the OM? Any at all? Do you live close by?

And have you personally spoken to the OM's wife? Have your children been informed of her affair?

Welcome to MB.

Her saying she wants to move out is really just a last ditch effort to get her married OM to reconsider. It's the only thing she can think of to MAYBE attract him back to her (at least to maybe continue the affair).

Just say "NO".

If she wants "space" offer to clear her some space in the garage or basement but "moving out" isn't an option. If she's truly in withdrawal you're not likely to get much fight out of her. She's depressed and will have a hard enough time going to the bank and doing laundry on the same day to worry about or energize herself enough to move out.

As far as attracting her back. Just stick to her like glue. Not NEEDY desperate glue with sad puppy eyes. Get your confidence back under you and stick around her as her loving protective husband that cherishes her and is trying to help her STOP making the biggest mistake of her life.

One trick I used was merely accepting in my head that IF my marriage was going to end in 2005 then the summer of 2005 was going to be the best I could give my young daughter at the time and I got my wife on board with that. I didn't BEG her to try I merely went about doing stuff with her through withdrawal until she slowly became approachable about working a recovery program. I did make it clear early on that just staying married for the sake of our child wasn't enough for me but I was willing to wait awhile as she got her legs back under her and her head screwed on straight.

Recovery is a process. Verifying "no contact" is step one.

Mr. Wondering

MB,

Did you know to be a counselor or therapist there is little to no educational requirements?

For instance, my XSIL's counselor was also a general contractor, and did IC on the side.

Would it surprise you to find out she had her second affair with him?

A psychologist or psychiatrist actually has to meet educational standards as well as practice standards to maintain their title. Not just anyone can use those titles.

This program was founded by a psychologist, professionally it trumps her IC.

Part of the problem with her moving out is that it was my daughter that wanted it first. She is very close to my wife, and when we told the kids, my daughter did not take it well and finds it uncomfortable around the house with her there. We had already moved her to the basement about a month ago.
The problem with the OM is that he live 3 houses down from us. My wife has been home since he broke it off, and so have the kids. When she goes out, I always go check and see if he is out as well. I am at work every day, so I can't be totally sure, but I don't think that they have seen each other. I know it is a constant danger, especially since it has only been 6 weeks, so I am trying to make sure they don't get back together.
I have tried the loving, caring and being with her routine, but that has really backfired on me. Anything I seem to do feels like I am applying pressure or smothering to her. Talking about working on the marriage or letting me know what I can do differently doesn't work either.

Hate to say it, but you or the OM need to move away. There's no hope for recovery otherwise. She will forever be triggered around the OM and just seeing his house, his car, his stuff, will keep her thinking of the addiction.

Whenever she mentions D, make sure you make it clear that you won't make it either easy or pleasant.

Then focus on being James Bond and cool. You have to keep your emotions in check and not let her control you with your grief.

It is because the therapist won't hold her accountable the the therapist knows the client won't return. This is how the therapist will destroy your marriage because they are only thinking for themself ... next payday.

The therapist is taking all the bad mouthing your WW tells them about you ... the therapist spins it to make you the problem ... and the adultery (bad behavior) from your wife is swept under the rug because the therapist is justifying it by making you look like the bad guy.

My suggestion ... do not let your wife leave ... do not separate. Go to the operation investigate forum and get all the snooping gadgets implemented. Find OM's wife and always verify with her, never take the word of a wayward. They are liars, cheaters, and backstabbers.

In the meantime ... read up on Plan A ... I will bump the thread. Kill your wife with kindness, do not use any lovebusters (anger, selfishness, disrespect) ... come here to vent when you want to yell, scream, and curse your WW.

Make sure all contact with OM has ended. Expose the adultery to everyone in her inner circle, family, friends, spouses, children (4 & over) ... make life for OM hell ... it runs them off quickly.

Agree with Help ... either you or them move. If you want them to move you best be getting ahead of OM and his wife. Tell all the neighbors OM had an affair with your wife ... force them to move. If you would rather move ... I would still expose to neighbors. That way they do not have the option to see each other in plain site. The neighbors will make their affair that much harder.

You have to move. I am so sorry, but recovery will be impossible living right there. EVery day that she wakes up, she will be triggered by the OM's presence. It is like the alcoholic who tries to sober up while living in the bar. He sees the alcohol so he stays obsessed with it. That is what is happening with your wife. She will always be in a perpetual state of withdrawal and will remain foggy as long as you live there.

If you can't sell your house, I would rent it out and get out of there. That is the only way to do this. If she refuses, then you have to move with your daughter and hope she follows.

I would take a more assertive approach to whole situation because as it is now, your wife [a fogged out wayward who is about as rational as a falling down drunk] is driving the boat. You will end up divorced if you don't take back some control here and drive your marriage out of this ditch.

Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OM for life - including moving

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!

Have you personally spoken to the OM's wife? Are you staying in touch with her?

Becuase if you left it to that RAT to tell her she might not even know about the affair. If the OM had any snap at all, he would just tell his wife that you are a "crazy, jealous jerk who believes everyone is after his wife."

Have you personally discussed the AFFAIR with his wife? And if you did speak to her, did you discuss the FACTS of the affair?

Man_Betrayed,
First let me say that I am a wayward wife and not the betrayed spouse like you. I am sorry for your situation.

I would like to emphasize what Melody said: PLEASE speak to the OM's wife. My husband spoke with the OM's wife and she knew hardly any of the truth of her life because OM had lied so much to preserve himself. In fact, I sat down with her (and my husband) and answered all her questions. In the process, I found out just how much the OM had lied about ME !!! Seeing that she was a real person who I had hurt, and that she wasn't as bad as the OM made her out to be really helped.

It would help your wife to see what a rat and coward that OM really is if she sat down and had a long talk with his betrayed spouse, and you be present there as a witness.

Agree with the others you or OM must move. Your WW will be triggered right back in the affair everytime she sees her OM.

Second you need to talk to OM's BW today.

Have you confronted POSOM? Dr. Harley "I Encourage BHs to Confront OMs"

Betrayed_man. I'm sorry you find this happening to you. It is mostly likely the hardest thing you will ever go through.

Your WW does not need IC. All she needs to do to overcome her guilt and shame and is to start living her life as a respectable person and make amends for those she has wronged. Moving out will just allow WW to sit around and naval gaze. Has your WW IC given her a PLAN on how to overcome the guilt or does she believe that just moving out will do the trick? You know that is hopeless...right?



Ok so your WW's world is crashing down around her. The OM threw WW under the bus, daughter wants to throw her out, and even the IC is recommending that she go out on her own.



That must be pretty frightening after being married for 22 years. WW is broken and has NO plan.



Here is where you come in as the strong and loving DH who has a PLAN for WW to redeem herself, rebuild the marriage, and become the respectable person she once was.

MelodyLane posted it to you:

I have talked with his wife. I feel like she is going to sweep the affair under the rug and smother him with love to keep him happy. She feels like they are back on track. He was my wife's boss, and he told all the girls in the office about the affair and now his wife works at the office, so it is harder for him to go out alone. Half the neighbors around us know, so they couldn't really do anything near our houses especially while all the kids are home from school. I am monitoring computer and phone use, which is how I caught her in the first place, but I don't think she would be stupid enough to do that again. My main concern is if she goes out in the evening, but if she moves out I won't have any control.
She has already told me that I should leave her because I deserve somebody better, but I assume that she just wants me to be the one to go through with the divorce to make herself feel better. I don't want the divorce, at least not yet, but if I can't even do plan A then I fear that it is inevitable. I am dragging my feet on her moving out, but I don't think I can stop it. If I can't stop it, and she won't communicate or see me, then what are my options? Is there anything else I can do? I can try my best to check and see if she is still in the affair, but it will be hard.
I have tried everything I can rationally think of at this point to talk to her about working on the marriage, but none of that works. Her story never changes. "I can't even think about our relationship. I have to work on myself" is the only thing that comes out of her mouth. Any attempt at showing her care or support causes anger, so plan A is really tough. The emotional rollercoaster doesn't help, and I have to stop myself from texting, emailing or telling her negative things. I have let a few slip through, but I am doing a little better now at catching myself before I let anything out. I need to find a way to deal with the emotions a little better before I get that bad. Any ideas?

Man_Betrayed,

He was my wife's boss

Did you expose OM at his work place, even if he has changed jobs his current employer needs to know that he preys on subordinates. Threaten to press a lawsuit.

God Bless
Gamma

He owns the business.

Man_Betrayed,

Expose to his customers.

God Bless
Gamma

Don't know his customers without my wife, and she isn't about to give them up. I did put in reviews for his business, but that probably won't do much. Trust me, I would like nothing better than to reveal to his customers and ruin him.

Man_Betrayed,

What type of business is he in, does he have a website, companies will often list clients they are proud of there. Also check professional associations.

I take it your wife no longer works at his company.

God Bless
Gamma

Man. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? I strongly recommend that you read it. Also, you can click on the Coping with Infidelity Link and start reading EVERYTHING from the beginning if you do not yet have the book.

Things will then begin to make sense to you. You don't seem to understand that you will have to move to have any chance of recovering this. Both YOU and your WW are triggered everytime you even open the door. That is why you are not making progress. Living 3 doors down from OM keeps you sucked into it like a black hole.

Did this affair take place in your home?