My wife of 12 years told me on new years day that she had been having an affair with 2 guys she worked with for the last 5 years. I wanted to die! After about a week of total shock, we talked and she said she has always loved me and wants to be with me. Well its 5 months later and after a lot of talks about she did with these guys (sexually), I tell her that I want that kind of a sex life like that with her. Ever since we have been together she never was very sexual, but I was so in love with her I our that part of our marriage on the back burner. And it just the way we were. I didn't want to scare her or hurt her in any way so I never pushed the issue. Now I found out from her, what she did, with them. Am I wrong for asking this from my wife? Especially knowing the details of her affairs. And its something I always wanted and now I know she "will" do it. She also knows it has been a problem of mine for awhile. But for some reason she won't give me the love that I feel someone deserves that was betrayed for that long and in that way. What the heck do I do?

Welcome to Marriage Builders and sorry for what has brought you here.

Can you tell us a little more? Thread to newly betrayed posters

Does she still work with these OM? Has her affair been exposed? Are either of them married?

Do you have any children?

Dr. Harley has steps to recover from an affair but they must be followed.

Your wife will need to find another job.
Please read this.
Exposure 101

Welcome to Marriage Builders, harbecue.

Does your wife still work with these men? Are they married? Do you have any children?

Your WW needs to have no further contact with these men in order for your marriage to even begin the process of recovery. She can't work with them.

If she is sharing herself so freely with not one, but TWO men at her job she may be a serial adulterer. I would suggest a polygraph to determine how many men she has been with.

You have the right to know every detail of your WW's affairs. This is your reality that she has so shamelessly altered.

Has your WW expressed the desire to recover your marriage and end her affairs for good?

well both men were married and no she does not work with them anymore. and yes she was exposed to the whole world by me on facebook. 2 kids but both are adults. I think my main problem is that I had no clue that my wife didnt love me but the whole time she acted as if we were a typical happy married couple. (so I thought). And now she says she wants to make our marriage work, but acts like i did the bad deed. I know im not perfect and have done some bad things as a husband but nothing even close to what she did. She say she thought I didnt care about her anymore so she went that route. and thats all i get from her as to why or how this happened. one minute its "i love you and want to do the right thing..." and the next minute its "I dont think I can be like that with you...". I feel like she should be kinda treating me like Im the best thing in her life right now. I know its hard for her when i am blowing up at her, but the only time i do that is when I try to be as kind to her as possible for a few days, and I still get no attention. Even after I told her I am going to need alot of attention from her for me to possibly get over this. Thats when I get mad. Am I just an idiot who is wasting his time with someone who just doesnt want to be with me or what. I absolutly love this woman with all my heart even after she did this. I really dont know where to go from here.

harbeque, you can recover your marriage and fall in love again, but that path is very, very narrow. Most marriages do not recover from affairs. They limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and are worse off after than before. You don't have to be like that if you follow this program. Many of us have transformed our marriages into affair proofed, romantic marriages using this program.

In a nutshell, here is what it will take:

here

I would get these books and follow the lessons in them: Surviving an Affair, Lovebusters and Five Steps to Romantic Love workbook. They sell them cheap on this website or you can get them on amazon.com.

The fastest, most effective way to restore the romantic love to your marriage is to spend 20+ hours of undivided attention with each other meeting these top 4 emotional needs: conversation, affection, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. That time should be scheduled because it is too easy to put off time that is not scheduled. The best way to spend it is going out together 4 times a week in 4 hour blocks. This program does not work without this step. In the workbook, there is an UA time worksheet that should be ripped out so you can make copies and use it every week.

Unfortunately, most people REFUSE to make the time for UA time because everything else comes before their marriage. But if you do this diligently, your wife will fall back in love with you.

Are you saying that she quit her job and no longer works with these men? Do the betrayed wives of these hound dogs know about the affairs? Baloney. This is fog babble. Ignore it. She had the affairs because she has lousy boundaries around men and saw an opportunity to ignore her marriage vows in this horribly selfish way. Have you told her what your requirements are for recovering the marriage? Do you HAVE any requirements? At minimum, she needs to write a No Contact letter to the two scum bags. You can get a template for writing that on this site. You need to approve the letter and YOU need to mail it. She needs to give you all of her passwords to her email accounts, computer passwords, etc. There needs to be no unaccounted-for time or money spent.

These are some suggestions to get you started, but I am curious about what requirements you have for her to be able to remain in this marriage?

You also need to call their wives and let them know what's happened. They deserve to know what your wife has done to their marriages. It will also help you because there will be a set of eyes on those men.

she doesnt work with them anymore. And as far as I know there is no contact. I just feel like she is not trying to fix what is broken. She wont open up to me. And it seems like she turned into a totally different person since the day she told me what she was doing. All those years of I love you and I would never do that. In my eyes, all those years she was an honest, caring person that would never do something like that. And surprise, she not the woman I thought she was all these years. How do I get over this? She says she loves me, but I dont know what to believe anymore. And I do love her very very much, even though she ripped my heart out of my chest. Just lookin for some advice...anything would be nice. And how do you repair a sex life when she has told you details. I wanted to know. But she did things with them she NEVER did with me. And told me it was the best sex she has ever had. I just wish this nightmare would end!!!!!!!!

Just wanted to say I am sorry for what you are going through. Been there so I know how much it hurts. I got the same thing from my Ex-Wife.


I had the same thing with my XW. Had many talks with her and never got anywhere with her. She told me she loved me but Sex was not important. So she went and started having Sex with another guy. Did things she did not want to do with me.

That really hurt me. I tried to fix things and she went elsewhere. I never could understand it then but I understand it better now.

I have several brothers. One of them is a person I would call a "Black Sheep" his name is Mike. I love the guy but I hate what he does with his life. All my brothers are moral except this one. He is a nice guy and knows how to pick up women. He is a bad boy and they seem to love him.

I was talking with one of my other brothers about Mike since I had not talked to him in a while. My brother told me that Mike had been picking up women from a website and having Sex with them.

These women are all married and he does this. And my brother told me when he picks them up he tells them there is not going to be any romance. He just wants to have sex with them as quickly as possible. Does it all the time and I have heard that he does not have to worry about attachments.

It is gross and yet made sense as to what happened to my marriage. My XW liked to have sex with an other man but liked the security I provided. She could be someone else with another man but not with me.

I was her paycheck. That was my job and she was fine with it. My XW just did not seem to have those thoughts about me. I don't why but she just could not give herself to me that way. Yet, she could do that with another man.



You have to remember for her to keep the OM she had to "Put Out". She has it in her to do those things but it may not be with you.

I think you are going to need professional help to get through this. I tried for years to change this but it never worked. My XW thought it was fine not to want to do those things wit me. The problem was I was not willing to live like that anymore.

Your Wife knows that she does not have to do anything to keep you. You love her and have told her so. The OM well she had to do it with them to keep them coming back.

The question is Can She change? And the other question is What are you going to do if she does not change? It will not be easy. It is going to be hard work. Sorry your in this mess since it sucks.

Dude, if you�re married to a serial cheater then you have a whole different beast of a wayward on your hands. You�re telling us she�s on to a new OM possibly? This tells me that she cares very little about hurting people, you specifically.

That may mean that your marriage may not be salvageable without a serious change in her personality.

How much UA time are you getting? The Policy of Undivided Attention

Is she being completely transparent?

How have you affair proofed your marriage?
Read this. How Can Trust be Restored After An Affair?