BH, I've talked with him, and let him know how I feel and what I like/don't like. We also talked about the whole affection thing, and because what he thought was DS was actually Affection, his EN switched around a bit. O&H is 1, Affection 2, and SF 3.

We haven't scheduled out UA yet. I think the reason why is because we simply don't know how to fill that time. He's not too big on going out and doing things, and it just seems boring to stay at home. How do we overcome this and get that required time in?

NG, I asked him what kind of affection he likes, and which he doesn't. Basically it's just the kissing that he thinks I do too much of. But everything you listed (except dancing) is things I already do for him, and he loves it. He loves massages, cuddling in bed, and when I call/text him throughout the day.

I've pretty much got the affection down, and it definitely is a lot easier since that's my #1. I just need to adjust it to fit his needs, and not my own.

When you say he goes out. Is this without you?

The easiest way to start meeting that UA time is to sit down and schedule it. Make it in four blocks away from home.

Going out to dinner, long drives. What does he like to go out and do? What do you like?

He's not too big on going out and doing things, and it just seems boring to stay at home. How do we overcome this and get that required time in?

My bride and I developed "sofa-time" each evening, snuggling together with a glass of wine, just talking about our days.

Everyone's situation provides different solutions to your question.

Does a room need painting? Do it together.
Does the car's oil need changing? Do it together.
Research and plan a vacation for next year.
Who cooks? Who does not? Fix that!
Schedule those dancing (golf? karate? flower-arranging?) classes that provide a scheduled "together" time.

One of the reasons to be married is to have time with the person selected as the most desired. So, have that time.

UA is not a "burden". It should be a reward, and a growth-tool.

The only times he goes out is when I'm at work, and even that is only once or twice a month. Any other time he's at home playing video games.
I think our biggest issue to overcome is to find things we can both enjoy together. In the 3 years we've been together (both dating and married), only 10 months of those have been spent together. We're having to adjust to all this free time we have, and get used to spending it with each other.

I'm not too picky on what I like to do, but he is. And that's the problem, because he's the one who isn't ready to fully commit to spending that amount of time with me. I like the idea of doing everyday things together though. Since it has to be done anyway, why not make it into something you can both do with each other.

Like I said earlier, I think we both just need to get used to this new life style. We're used to always being short on time and taking things day by day, but that isn't the case right now.

Totally removed from any consideration of infidelity, you have major work to do if this marriage is going to survive, much less thrive.

Lack of maturity just explodes from your story, my friend. Yours, in terms of being married a month, and not being able to maintain your commitment to your husband during a subsequent six month deployment. His, because rather than spend time with one who is presumed to be his life-partner, he'd rather play "Halo" or "WoW", or some other adolescent fantasy crap. (BTW: "Maturity" is shorthand for "ownership and commitment".)

Alarm bells should be sounding loud and clear, for both of you. There are folks here with greater experience than I have in the special difficulties and trials impinging on military unions, and hopefully they'll be around soon. You seem to be headed for a rough (and short) life together unless the two of you embrace what marriage is.

Help us with the relationship timeline, okay? Met on......? Dated from .... to ....? Engaged......? Married......? Deployment from ..... to .....? Affair from ..... to .....?

July 2009 - Started dating
Sept 2009 - BH left for basic training
May 2010 - BH Returned
July 2010 - I went off to college (Saw each other every other month during this time)
May 2011 - I returned; we got engaged
July 2011 - Got married
Aug 2011 - BH deployed
Oct 2011 - Affair (lasted less than a month)
Jan 2012 - BH returned

Not counting basic training, we got to talk constantly while we were separated. That's what most of our relationship is built on.

I'm aware that we both have a lot of growing up to do, hence why most people suggest waiting to get married. I don't blame BH for any of it though, because things were fine between us before the affair. I know I got us into this mess, and now I need to climb my way back out.

Ooooooookay, thanx for the listing.

Ummm, I'm going to ask you to trust me on this next part, however. Typing "things were fine between us before the affair" when the entirety of the "before" being discussed is just ONE month immediately after the wedding is highly indicative of a blindness that will not be helpful in rebuilding building a marriage.

Filling out and analyzing the ENQs will most certainly bring you surprises about each other's true expectations and desires. (We were thirty-three years married with three grown children, when we did ours, and I was shocked to discover my bride's EN number 1 was casual Physical Touch.)

Drag him into this effort, my friend, because there is much joy in completing it.

Well I guess what I was referring to was while we were dating, not that month while we were married.

We have both done the ENQ, and I'm also constantly asking him what he likes and doesn't like that I do, just to clarify.

Kauaiin,

Being in a military marriage is extremely demanding. It takes a lot of selflessness on the part of both spouses. You have half the amount of time together that an ordinary couple has....so the RC and UA time has to be a no.1 priority. If not, you are destined to fail. Grab him by both ears, sit him down and say I want to fix this, but I need your commitment to spend time together so I can meet all of your EN's. Hobbies need to take a backseat until he gets out of the military, take it from me, I've been in a long time and I find I am much happier when my wife and I focus on each other rather than our hobbies. I wish we would have found MB's ten years ago. God speed.

I have an update for you all, and I need some help with this one..

Things with me and BH have been going good, up until recently. A few days ago we had a really great talk, and he expressed his hurt, but also that he wants us back in a good place together. He made the decision to stay with me, and continue working things out.

Then yesterday he was spending time with his family. Things were fine when he left, but we didn't talk since he got home (around 4pm) until this morning when he woke up for work.

I saw messages in his phone that led us to a conversation about what happened yesterday. He said he was gonna leave me, and that his mom, sister, and friends were supportive of that. Of course I was upset, but I didn't let my anger get the best of me. He left for work upset, and I'm here at home trying to figure this all out.

I need help on where to go from here.. I told him that it's been his choice all along whether or not to stay with me, and up until now, this is the only time I've seriously thought he would actually leave. I was thinking about staying with my mom for a while (which is only 10 minutes away) to let him figure things out and really have a chance to decide what he wants. But is that the best thing right now, or should I just stay at home and try to figure things out from there?

Any feedback I can get would be appreciated. BH won't be home for another 8 hours, but I'd like to have things figured out before that time comes.

Welcome back.

Your last post was in June. What have you done since then to protect your husband and help him with total transparency?

You offered EP's (with other posters assistance), have you followed them completely??

In order to ensure that this never happens again, I have made a list of extraordinary precautions for us to follow. If there's anything you would like to add to or change, just let me know.
- I will give you 100% access to all email accounts, FB, text messages, phone calls, etc.
- I will never allow myself to be alone with someone of the opposite sex, for whatever reason.
- I will not engage in conversation with someone of the opposite sex about personal issues, including especially our marriage.
- I will give you a schedule of my daily/weekly activities and plans, and be open to any revisions or objections you may have.
- I will always have your best interest and that of our marriage in mind with every decision I make.
- I will use the Policy of Joint Agreement before finalizing making plans or activities.
- I will always be open and honest with you about my thoughts, feelings, and actions, etc.
- I will not attend clubs/bars/parties where alcohol and/or men will be present, without unless you are there with me.
- I will do my absolute best to alwayswill wholeheartedly meet your most important emotional needs.
- I will make you my number one priority, and never put anything before you or our marriage.

I wrote him that apology letter with the EP's, and have followed them 100% so far. Every now and then when he's feeling insecure, I will reread him the letter and reassure him that I've been following each one of them.

Have you been meeting his EN?

What are they? What are you doing to meet them?

Have you been getting 20+ hrs of UA time?

His top need is affection, and I feel I've been meeting that need pretty well. Next is honesty and openness, and I've definitely been doing that. I tell him whenever something is bothering me, or I don't like the way things are going. And when talk of the affair comes up, I am supportive and willing to talk about it with him. SF is not something we've had a problem meeting, so I have continued to meet that need as well.

He says he knows I've changed, but it's not only me, it's him as well. He has a hard time getting back to how he used to be (in love and trusting me). In the message I saw on his phone, he had mentioned how he's tired of being unhappy. The thing that also upset me is that he was having this conversation with a girl who clearly has feelings for him, after I've expressed my concern and that I didn't want him talking about our marriage with her. Nothing has happened between them, but it hurts knowing he went to her about our problems (again).

I forgot to address your question about 20+ hours.

No, we have not been meeting that. It's not for a lack of trying on my part, but the fact that he isn't ready to spend that kind of time with me yet. I'm constantly saying I want to do stuff with him, whether it be at home or out somewhere. We do spend a lot of our free time together, but I wouldn't say it's UA.

Oh I thought the messages you saw was to his family.

There's an OW in the mix? No wonder he doesn't want to spend time with you.

Who is this OW?

He was spending time with his family yesterday, and from what he tells me, they were all talking about our marriage and how they support the fact that he should leave me.

This OW is a mutual friend of his. She is in a relationship, but that doesn't stop her from continuing to talk to my H. Just recently they started working together, so that's when the two of them find time to talk. He's expressed that she's not his type, and I know he would never cheat.

A couple of weeks ago I saw texts in his phone to her mentioning that we had problems in our marriage, and she was more than supportive to be his listening ear. I told him that it makes me uncomfortable, and that I don't think it's appropriate to be talking to a female about our marital issues. He didn't understand why, but said that he would stop talking to her.

I believed that they had stopped talking, until I saw the messages this morning. He was telling her that he couldn't do it (leaving me), and she was telling him to just do it already. Before he left for work, I told him it's decision whether or not he wants to stay with me.

So he's lying to you about talking to this OW and talking to her about your marital problems.

He is also getting the support from his family to leave you.

He is not interested in you and is getting interested in her. Do you have the proof of these texts?

I have them in my brain, but I'm sure he's deleted them by now. Even if I were to confront him about her again, he wouldn't see the point. Before he left this morning, he said "don't sit there and blame me". No matter what I say, he doesn't see how talking to her is wrong.

According to him, since I'm the one who was unfaithful, I should have no reason to be getting upset at him. I know things won't end nicely if I try to tell him how I feel about her (not that I haven't already).

Would it be a god idea to talk with his mom about all of this? I'd like to understand what he expressed to her, and let her see my side of this.

Also, I understand that after the affair, BH had every right to leave me. But I don't think it's right of him to all of a sudden make that decision almost a year after the fact.