Weekend recap:
Friday, got home from work, got changed, went to the kids swim practice to see if I could free up the wife so she could go home and do HW for her saturday class. No HW, so we sat and chatted, made her laugh a couple times. She was bummed because she said she busted her diet on the mac and cheese she made for the kids. etc Her semester is 'done' so no hw.

Saturday, she went to class, I took kids to swim, got my own workout done. Then out to dinner and dancing at a friends fundraiser. Got a sitter, eho arrived an hour late. Sat with other friends, one husband i've never met because the wife always goes out alone. My wife commented on how chilly their relationship serms.
Up at 6am sunday to take D1 to swim meet, I was working the meet too. After our session, the wife arried for the second session, with D2 and D3. had lunch together, then D1 and i went home. I made dinner, then when W arrives home, we went for a long run together. (3+ hrs) beautiful fall night to run. Home, eat, and go to sleep.

15 hrs of alone time is hard to come by.

Yes, I know. I am very tenacious, and not likely to walk off. But tjanks for letting me vent. I recently bought a book on improving my self-esteem, to help talk me-self into a better mood. I think I've always wrestled with a low self-esteem, low self confidence, but have tried to manage it. Of course my weakest area is with relationships, women, and my career, so of course my marriage and work suffers. (So getting rejected by my wife countless times over 10 years doesnt help.) I'm working through the book, but I think I could use some 'professional advice', which seems unaffordable, but yet, could be priceless.

This is similar to the suggestion of keeping a diary of 'happy thoughts' about my wife.

So based on MB books, I've come to the realization that if I cant make this marriage work because of my internal self-esteem, I wont be able to make any marriage work. A depressing and sobering thought. So, if I learn how to manage my self-esteem better, I think my marriage will be better. But it is work and takes time. God, help me pls!!

NYC_Runner,

Alone time is precious right? Training for NYC this year and we get 3+ hour training runs in together on the weekends, with shorter 1-2 hour runs during the week.

Great talk time, conversational pace for us both and we feel rejuvenated after each one.

MB has been a guiding light for us - brought a framework together so that we can hang onto it.

I too suffer from self-esteem issues, what do you do when you feel them coming on?

thanks,

The book I found is "Self-esteem" by Matthew McKay. It seems to suggest that you have an inner voice that is very critical. It suggests several causes and remedies. Still working through it, but, for me, it made spot on sense. It included a section on video gaming and how this is a surrogat for addressing real world challenges.

I've thought a lot about this post, basically, because I havent been much fun ro be around, and the way she undermines a date with love busters. Almost 2 years ago we went to see Black Swan, and had what I thought to be a great date. We were chatting about going away for a weekend, and she says, "I want to travel to go see something". I suggested a romantic weekend at a carribean island. "Romance?!, she says... who needs romance!?!" Talk about spoiling the evening. She just wants a travel fund. Nothing to do with me! This is why I'm pursuing this angle of self-esteem as well as MB.

So my job is coming to an end. I have a new boss, so it has completely changed. He's giving me until 12/31 to pull of some miracle, but its too late in the year to change his mind. Had an interview today, which I really wasnt qualified for, but wanted to try.

Really want my own business, but POJA is impossible to get to, unless it involves harvesting gold trees or raking dollars off the lawn.

Feeling so very trapped today.

visit a counselor they can help you get your life organized

I started the 'happy pills' today, and looking for the therapist MD recommended. So Im hoping it will make a difference in my marriage and career. Seems obvious this is a huge factor in botj.

So I have some meds for Dep, and an appt with a counselor. Working my butt off to make my boss happy, and went to a job interview. I bought a nice notebook to write happy thoughts about my wife. I'm trying to get her to negotiate some love busters. She insists on watching TV in bed at night, sometimes till 12 or 1 am. Gets mad at me when it wakes me up, and i ask her to turn it off. Im considering sleeping on the couch if she cant help with this.

This weekend is the marathon. traveling overnite, dinner out, nice hotel, and we're barely talking. Romance? We'll have to fake it. Every time we run, she GAINS 3 lbs, I've lost 25 lbs doing Atkins low carb thing.

Any suggestions for cheap mid-week 'dates'? We're so broke, and trying to refi the house and pay off CC debts. Another source of disagreement.

On a happy note, we've enjoyed the pres debates together, and following the news, makes good conversation I can join in on.

Hurricane Sandy coming same day as marathon. Maybe considering calling the whole w/e off. She is so stressed out. Ugg. All that training, fees, reservations.

Since you seem to enjoy discussing politics, take some of the ads you get in the mail (don't lie, I know you get them en masse ) and use that for conversation too. The issues presented on them, and so forth.

We kept looking at the weather together and jointly decided to not go to the marathon. She was relieved, mostly because I wasnt upset.

So, I fell of the wagon this morning. Its been more than a month since we've had sex. I went to bed early last night, the kids have a 7 am swim meet, So I had to be up at 530. Went up alone at 930, watching some tv, bummed out that our 'romantic' 24 hr/dinner/marathon/hotel date was the first casualty of Hurricane Sandy. DW comes up a little later, and is getting changed into her flanel PJs like she does every night. I'm trying to watch whatever movie to give her some privacy, and so not get too interested. She makes a joke about me looking back and forth from her talking and the TV. So Im trying to figure out if she's at all interested, or just teasing me, making me watch her change. Nope. blah, blah, blah, then she's into bed. I hand her the remote, and go to sleep, down and agrivated.

So then I was awake at 4am, staring at the ceiling, feeling so alone. A whole 'nuther year like this?? Just shoot me now.

Have you thought about taking the bull by its horns and making it happen?

You have been told by many that you have to be the one leading it ... why not slip a beautiful lingerie inside her flannels, that way she cannot miss them when she dresses? Why not draw a bath with candles and bubbles, why not load up your bed with chocolates, wine, and her beautiful nighty?

Don't assume your wife can read your mind. Lovebusters is the best book for this. It teaches you that you can't assume the other person knows ... you have to communicate the "know".

Make it happen ... you have to lead her here ... lead your family ... lead your path ... if you say you have low self esteem then fix it by leading ... be her Knight in Shining Armour ... let her see a strong leader out of you.

I've tried, and tried and tried. Ten years.

She refuses to wear 'scratchy' lingerie. She has some, very little mind you, but She hates it when I mention it, or leave it for her to find. She says none of it fits, she feels ugly in it, and its only on for a few minutes so why bother.. Shes a good looking woman, but doesnt like her body. It looks fine to me, and its the only one I want. She hates baths, much prefers showers. I wish I could make her feel pretty, to see herself as I see her. My opinion doesnt count. Its her friends that only see an extra 20 lbs and say "Really, you just ran a marathon?? I didnt know you ran."

I've asked her 6 different ways, what makes her feel romantic; and she says nothing does.

I can only speak for myself but I would say that lots of undivided attention plus being told I am beautiful would do it :-)

We survived Sandy, no power for two weeks, but almost back to 'normal' now. Extra 20 minutes getting to work each way because the tunnels into the city got flooded.

I'm on the happy pills, and not ruminating so much on the mess that is my career and marriage. Trying to hook up with a counselor, but she's booked. How do I explain this to my boss?

I feel like we need another session(s) with the MB counselor. We talked once, 8-10 months ago.

We spent a lot of family time together, but apparently she doesnt think blackouts are the least bit romantic. (ps, I'm a 1965 blackout baby!)

I have a question, which seems like an inconsistency in the SF that Dr. Hurley describes in the radio program. Or at least its our little relationship failure.

A) women dont need sex the way men need sex because men have more testosterone.
B) Wives should meet their husbands needs as frequently as he desires.
C) But.. Women shouldnt have sex if they arent in the mood.
D) The couple should have sex in ways the woman "enjoys", whatever that means. SHE doesnt know what she enjoys, and doesnt care to find out.
E) Women are too pre-occupied to be in the mood.
F) Men's SF is not met, or love bank withdrawals occur if the wife merely services the husband rather than joins him as a partner in a romantic encounter.
G) Lack of SF and Love bank depleted.

So frustrated right now. So tired of her saying "I love you" when she obviously doesnt. So tired of being used, under appreciated, taken advantage of, and always "DFL" as SHE jokes about it. ... Dead [censored] Last. So not funny.

So i guess the meds arent working today. Or Im no longer depressed, i just dont care anymore?

You are upset because you are in a sexless marriage.
You can't medicate yourself into being happy sir.
I lived in your shoes and it sucks.

Thanks, agree completely. I think of it as Romance-less. If we do have sex, its just mechanical.