My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 3. We didn't really have issues when we were dating, but shortly after our wedding I became quite sick with a chronic condition. While my health improved somewhat, there is no cure for it and I have struggled with it everyday since. I always feel tired, I get dizzy a lot, I feel weak and I get aches and pains in a variety of areas. My husband is not able to accept the fact that I can't do a lot of same things as before.
He likes outdoors, the beach and working out. While I wasn't exactly a fan of these activities before, I was more willing to go out with him and be more active. Since I got sick, I spend a lot of time at Home because lot of times I simply feel too sick to go and do activities. I still work full time, try to make dinner when I come home, shop for food and do other errands so I try my best to live a normal life. My husband can be very caring and understanding but at the same time, I believe he has been frustrated by the situation and once in a while he would lash out at me and say very hurtful things. He told me recently that he felt that I was a burden to him and that he felt like he has to do everything for me, that I complained too much about my health and that I was being too negative about everyrthing, that he was tired of making excuses to our friends on why I am not coming to any functions with him. And there is intimacy too-we hardly ever intimate(maybe once a month) which I am sure is frustrating to him but I don�t usually want to be that close to him because 1) all the hurtful things he keeps saying to me 2) I feel sick a lot and he also keeps pressuring me to get pregnant and in all fairness, I can�t handle taking care of a child when I can barely take of myself.
I think I have been negative around him but I feel like he is never happy with anything I do, everything is my fault and all I do is wrong and its hard to stay positive. He doesn�t seem to believe me that I am actually sick(because I don�t look sick). Last time we had an argument(which is when he told me that he feels overwhelmed and that I am a burden), he actually asked me�are you really sick?� despite the fact that I tried to explain to him about my illness many times before.
I don�t drive a car and usually take public transport to work and everywhere else. My salary is small and I don�t want to pay for car payments and insurance when there is perfectly reliable public transportation. He says however that I am too dependent on him because of that(FYI, he doesn�t normally have to take me anywhere and I don�t ask him for rides unless he offers it himself, the only thing is that I usually ask him to take us grocery shopping because I can�t carry as much if I just go myself, and he sees it as a big burden as well).
I guess at this point, I am very discouraged-I don�t feel like he likes me as a person, I feel like I am like this stone that hangs around his neck and brings him down. He says that he loves me but I have hard time believing it right now. At this point, while I don�t want divorce, I feel like I rather be alone and I really don't know what to do

I'll start with a story from my family. My aunt married in her early 20's, and after a couple of years was diagnosed with MS. Her husband was freaked, had all kinds of plans for his own life as a young man in his 20's that MS will seriously screw with. He did leave at one time. Now they are in their 60's, she has been in a wheelchair for the last twenty years, and he has dedicated all this time to taking care of her, and will not stop. He is amazing, imho.

However, he did consider divorce, long ago. Nobody in the family would have blamed him, either. She has a degenerative disease that's incurable so far (although there is recent research that indicates a cure in rats, no human trials yet, but I bet she would volunteer). His plans of a robust wife and big family flew out the window with one diagnosis.

So did hers.

He was conflicted.

Do you have an official diagnosis? Are you under care of a doctor?

do I have an official diagnosis? Yes. I am not under care of a specialist at the moment because so far nothing doctors did helped me so I turned to alternative threatment(which he doesn't really believe in).
I can understand the situation with your aunt because the same thing happened to me-plans for us having a family no longer apply. I even offered to give my husband a divorce because I knew he really wanted children but he didn't want it.

Hi Azure, welcome to MB!

Can you tell us more about your illness? What is the official diagnosis? What is the prognosis and treatment? Are you on pain medication? How old are you both, and when did you become sick?

You mentioned you did not enjoy many of the activities your H enjoys before, so what do you enjoy doing together?

I have Meniere's disorder(inner ear disorder) that can give you bad vertigo attacks which are accompinied with symptoms that I listed. I tried various medications without sucess and right now I have good days(when I feel only slight symptoms) to bad days. I am 40, he is 43. As for activities we enjoy together its going to dinner and movies but its not enough for him, he wants me to be more involved in his interests(which are outdoors and working out, while I prefer reading, crafts, etc

Get under care of a specialist. In most cases, this is a manageable disorder. I worry that you have gone rogue with your treatment, and I don't know you! I can imagine your husband's frustration.

CWMI, I have been under specialist care for 2 years with no improvements and believe me I have researched it and spoke with other people who have this disorder. It was a year ago that I have started seeking alternative threatment and it did improve my condition somewhat. Last time i spoke with my ENT(and he is not the first doctor I saw), he gave me NO hope for improvement because there is no set threatment and doctors still don't know what causes this disorder or how to treat it. So with all due respect, i haven't gone "rogue".

Azure, thanks for giving more info about your situation.

Here's the thing, you stated you didn't really LOVE these outdoor activities with your H before you were ever sick. IMO this would have become a problem eventually anyway. UA time is supposed to be activities you both enjoy and are enthusiastic about.

From what you have said you went along with this because it is what he likes, enjoys, and expects. Did he know you never really enjoyed these activities anyway? Dr. H says the UA time needs to be things you both agree to and enjoy, period.

You and your H need to brainstorm and POJA the UA time. You could print out 2 copies of the recreational activity questionnaire available and fill out.

I would start there.

Completely aside, but my daughter suffered serious vertigo attacks from 2-5 years old. It was horrible to watch. The thing that finally resolved it was a special kind of chiropractic care called Atlas Orthogonal. With that, she's been symptom free for three years, although I get her checked out every 6-8 months anyway. It might be worth a check, and we drive 500 miles back to our doctor for treatments when needed. The right treatment for a horrible illness means all the difference in the world.

Also...has your husband been to grief counseling? And you? It seems like that might be a big issue for both of you. I wonder if the coaching center here would address something like that, I think you would want to do it jointly with a MB friendly therapist so that you are addressing the grief in the context of your marriage, rather than as a "problem" to be "solved" (one of the big downfalls of individual counseling, which can urge people to just pursue happiness without protecting marriage).