Three things to be addressed in this post.

1 - PHYSICAL ABUSE

I believe this was IHH's most cogent post on her BH's actions:

H still get's angry but is able to stop himself before getting physical. I called the police early in one fight and an officer came. I told the officer there was no physical actions that night but I was afraid so I called. The officer said I could call any time and that if there were physical actions the dominant party would go to jail. Before the officer arrived, H had been very mad that I called and prepared to be taken away. While we sat there H said I was destroying his life by getting him arrested. I said he could not be physical against me. I am cautiously optimistic that H can control himself.

She also says the kids saw the (undefined) "abuse". Okay from all this, where does the "beatings" charge come from? Words have import folks, so let's have some rational basis before demonizing anyone.

2 - VERACITY

Does anyone remember the codicil (usually proven dead on) that unreformed Waywards lie - often, continuously, and convincingly? If the WS says "X", and the BS says "Y", betting all my chips on "Y" will take those betting on "X" what percentage of the time? 70%? 80%?

3 - RECOVERY MANAGEMENT

In a similar vein, does the phrase, "The BS steers the recovery bus!" ring a bell? Leaving aside the unknown elements, if Mr. IHH believes that not having his story on MB is his best interest, THAT IS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE! And, oh, by the way, IHH had the fortitude to conduct her tawdry affair, and fling two dangerous projectiles at her husband. Does it follow that suddenly she's terrified of him to the extent that she dare not post here?

ONCE AGAIN - [and since there is no reason to question her veracity, especially given the fact that her husband disputed NONE of her claims of abuse, I won't either]

Beatings?

The most warranted police call would have been FROM him, not ON him, so I'm going to side with the BS on the issue of most wronged. I leave to others the right to support the WS.

"In a similar vein, does the phrase, "The BS steers the recovery bus!" ring a bell?"

Does "when a spouse is being abused separation is warranted" ring a bell? Are you familiar with Dr Harley's teachings about abuse? An abuser does not get to drive the "recovery bus."

Dr Harley's comments about abusive situations have already been posted on this thread. How about reading the thread?

You must not have read her post. I will post it again.

Did you read that?

Here is what you wrote when you initially read her comments. What has changed, NG?

Yeah, and I also read his post about having beer-mugs thrown at him. As I said, supporting the WS in this case is anyone's right. On balance, I choose not to, and I have stated why.

So throwing the beer mug is an indicator to you that they should stay together and continue to assault each other? Surely you jest?

The bottom line is that when there is reported physical abuse, Harley advises separation, PERIOD.

Wow! Imagine not wanting to hit your wife BEFORE an affair! He must qualify for some sort of medal!

Does the phrase "I was always faithful until...." Ring a bell?

And in what world is violence driving a recovery bus!!!!????

What has changed, NG?

Two things - her admission and his expansion on her potentially lethal assault on him, and the fact that she did NOT feel it necessary to leave, which throws doubt on her entire wayward-slanted story.

It is not always a "boy" who cries wolf in real life!

Neither of them deny that he has assaulted her, though, so your "doubts" are misplaced. Her throwing a beer mug at him doesnt negate his violence, it just means they are both violent, which makes it more imperative for them to separate.

The fact that she doesn't feel its necessary to separate does not throw doubt on her story, it makes it more believable if you know anything about abused wives.. Abused wives rarely feel it is necessary to separate.

A warning to posters to help this OP with Marriage Builders concepts or refrain from posting! Please familiarize yourself with MB concepts. Let's get back on topic!

Um no, her violence does not excuse his in any way. Plus her decision to NOT leave is what genuine abused wives do again and again. She really thinks she can control it, because he tells her she caused it. With the A, which is ridiculous.

.

Quite simply, YES! It is the faker waywards who leave, for OM, crying 'abuse!' Plus he has come on here specifically to talk about what a nice guy he is because he never hit her BEFORE the affair! Justification mode at its finest.

Her unwillingness to leave is a RESULT of abuse.

.

Apparently, she will not be returning, so any further discussion is academic.

If what she is saying is true, then she should leave. By not leaving, she demonstrates that she doesn't fear him. One possible reason is because she has fabricated her self-deleted story about his abuse.

Folks HAVE tried to help her by suggesting that if he is violent, that she call the police.

I would further add that if SHE is violent, HE should call the police. I've not seen that advice given, so let me put it out there.

It's very telling that no one is suggesting HE call the police when she is violent towards him.

It comes across as a double standard and is NOT helpful to either IHH or her betrayed husband.

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Not at all. The advice is to separate for one year. The advice is not to call the police as that would be useless. As ML says, you can't call the police if you are dead or maimed. Calling the police will not make an angry, violent person any different. I suggest you re-read the advice. It is also not MB advice to 'call the police' either and no one should advise posters in violent homes to do so as a long term solution. That was IHH's erroneous solution going forward, which will not work. But she cannot see leaving as a possibility and this weak solution is the best she has come up with.

Yes, he is equally able to install the one-year separation as she is. And probably should, getting help for himself as well as insisting on it for her show of violence. It doesnt matter which one instigates it, as long as the help is gained for anyone who has displayed violence.

I would have thought it obvious that the reason the advice is tailored towards IHH, rather than towards her husband has nothing to do with gender. Rather it is because she came on here seeking change and asking for advice - he did not. She asked whether giving her H a timeline of the A will stop the violence, which of course it will not and was answered thus. Whereas the BH simply announced that he likes the status quo, does not want help and that things will remain: 'his way or the highway'.

It demonstrates no such thing. It just makes her story more believable. And neither of the spouses have disputed the abuse so we have no reason to question it.

Here is the advice we need to stick to here:

This thread is being locked.

This couple, who likely will never be back, need to focus on Dr Harley�s advice to separate, not told the FWW is lying and to stay and tough it out.

PLEASE stick to Dr Harley's concepts & principles when advising those still struggling with their marriages!!