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I can see that you are going to argue this to death even though the original poster made one post to this thread and disappeared. You are going to argue and argue "solutions according to Enlightened Ex" and claim that your arguments are really the same as Dr Harley's advice, when really it is not. Agree. Instead of helping this poster with MB concepts, we have to waste time educating a poster who should know better.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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PLEASE stick to Dr Harley's concepts & principles when advising those still struggling with their marriages!!
JustUss
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Please help me understand how proposing solutions differs from brainstorming solutions? Is that not part of POJA? Proposing is not demanding unilaterally that one's spouse adopt any or all of the proposals. Is the key to follow the list of proposed solutions with something along the lines of "but if none of these appeal to you, I am happy to hear proposals from you to see if I could be enthusiastic about them"?
When you can see it coming, duck!
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Please help me understand how proposing solutions differs from brainstorming solutions? Is that not part of POJA? Proposing is not demanding unilaterally that one's spouse adopt any or all of the proposals. Is the key to follow the list of proposed solutions with something along the lines of "but if none of these appeal to you, I am happy to hear proposals from you to see if I could be enthusiastic about them"? Show me where one has to present a solution AND come up with 10 praises for every complaint in order to bring a complaint to a spouse? Do you have a link? Help me understand where or why I have to do that? You have heard from TWO members on this thread who have been through the MB program and have no idea where in the world that came from? When my H does something that annoys me, I don't have to present a solution or come up with 10 good things he does, all I do is respectfully explain the problem. Solutions are discussed together, not reached unilaterally. EE seems to have a basic issue with a wife making any complaints: "Do you just present complaints, or do you present solutions?"
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Please help me understand how proposing solutions differs from brainstorming solutions? Is that not part of POJA? Proposing is not demanding unilaterally that one's spouse adopt any or all of the proposals. Is the key to follow the list of proposed solutions with something along the lines of "but if none of these appeal to you, I am happy to hear proposals from you to see if I could be enthusiastic about them"? Could you elaborate on this please, hold? Did somebody here rule this out, or suggest that they are different? Whose argument are you addressing?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Just trying to see if I understand. The key is that complaints should be welcomed by both spouses, even if the complaining spouse has no suggestion on how to improve the situation? Because complaints provide information that enables the listener to avoid Love Busters or to make more Love Bank deposits. And then the couple can discuss solutions together. Without either spouse proposing unilateral solutions?
When you can see it coming, duck!
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Just trying to see if I understand. The key is that complaints should be welcomed by both spouses, even if the complaining spouse has no suggestion on how to improve the situation? Because complaints provide information that enables the listener to avoid Love Busters or to make more Love Bank deposits. And then the couple can discuss solutions together. Without either spouse proposing unilateral solutions? Sure beats posting your complaints to total strangers on the internet for 10 years. <wink> (I'm teasing you) Welcome back Holding....could you shoot me an email at my address in my sig line. Gotta question for you completely unrelated to this thread. Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Exactly, if you are against proposting solutions, how can you be FOR the POJA. And folks are saying I am the one who doesn't understand MB. I assumed nothing. The OP said that she didn't meet his need for admiration very well in the other thread. Please help me understand how proposing solutions differs from brainstorming solutions? Is that not part of POJA? Proposing is not demanding unilaterally that one's spouse adopt any or all of the proposals. Is the key to follow the list of proposed solutions with something along the lines of "but if none of these appeal to you, I am happy to hear proposals from you to see if I could be enthusiastic about them"?
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****************EDIT*********************
Last edited by MBsurvivor; 06/04/12 04:55 PM. Reason: TOS disruption
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*****************EDIT*********************
Last edited by MBsurvivor; 06/04/12 04:53 PM. Reason: TOS disrupting thread
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I'm removing this, too. I'm not arguing any more!
Last edited by SugarCane; 06/04/12 05:09 PM.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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So please stop with your projections and follow the TOS here. Your personal attack here is against the TOS. EE, if you will point out which parts of my post are a personal attack I will edit.
BW
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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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*****************EDIT***********************
Last edited by MBsurvivor; 06/04/12 04:52 PM. Reason: TOS disrupting thread
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**************EDIT*********************
Last edited by MBsurvivor; 06/04/12 04:49 PM. Reason: TOS disrupting thread with endless arguments
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************EDIT***************
Last edited by MBsurvivor; 06/04/12 05:00 PM. Reason: removing quote
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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This debate will end now and we will get back to helping this poster with Marriage Builders concepts! Debating with others about very basic concepts does not help this poster, who by the way, has not been back. Familiarize yourself with the concepts before posting on these threads again.
mbsurvivor11@gmail.com
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moderator's note: stop disrupting this thread!
Last edited by MBsurvivor; 06/04/12 05:01 PM. Reason: TOS disruption
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I'm sorry it seems I abandoned my own thread. I just didn't get a chance to get back to it that day. I didn't expect to come back and find so many responses so I'm going to try to get through them a little now and a little later today.
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You might want to keep your threads all together so we can read your complete story.
Is your DH still out of work? Most men take alot of pride in being the care giver of the family. Is he struggling with this?
Also how are you doing on your physically attractiveness? Have you lost the extra weight? Are you still working on that?
Can you give us an examples of what you're "sharing" with him? Are you using any DJs? How's your timing when you bring it to his attention?
How is your UA time? Sorry it had been a bit since I'd updated my last one and since this seemed like a new issue I thought I'd make a new topic. No. DH is back to work. He started back the beginning of April. He had been struggling with this before that point though. I am very close to my healthy goal weight which would be the weight I was when we were dating. So yes still chipping away at that. Examples. I'm trying to remember what was brought up then, but my brain is a little tired now at the end of my long shift at work and it's not coming to me. Often the things I'm responding to are DH's LB's and I know that's what happened that led to this post. I just don't remember now what specifically it was he said that hurt my feelings. When he makes a LB as long as it's not an AO, I tell him that it hurt my feelings and how it made me feel. With AO's I let him calm down and then tell him the same. Often during those it's because he's called me a name that wasn't so nice. Going over the conversations I can occassionally find that in my frustration I also LB'ed him, but the majority of the time I have a good handle on not doing the same. I'm thinking next time it will be good for me to post the whole thing and let you all pick apart it and maybe find ones I'm missing. I will make sure to do that.
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Good job on meeting his need for PA. Yes bring us the conversation. Do you have the book Lovebusters? I would get this pronto. Have you done this? Love Busters Questionnaire
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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