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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Every person you know has a love bank account. Even when happily married, a wife or husband could meet someone who makes enough deposits to trigger the feeling of romantic love. Just because your spouse has an account with you doesn't exclude others from forming their own accounts and depositing. Extreme precautions should be made with persons of the opposite sex to guard yourself from POS making deposits.
Every person you know has a love bank account. Even when happily married, a wife or husband could meet someone who makes enough deposits to trigger the feeling of romantic love. Just because your spouse has an account with you doesn't exclude others from forming their own accounts and depositing. Extreme precautions should be made with persons of the opposite sex to guard yourself from POS making deposits.
Speaking from personal experience, yes even happy marriages are vulnerable if the marriage is not affair proofed (MB principles). I have sadly learned that in marriages where each spouse has complete trust and believes they or their spouse will never have an affair are the marriages that are vulnerable. After my WH left he told me "you have to truely understand its not b/c my needs were not being met" Affairs are caused by not being able to maintain appropriate boundaries around members of the opposite sex. Anyone is capable of having deposits credited to their love bank if they don't take EP and affair proof their marriage.
Me 46yrs WH 46yrs "Isildur" Married: 22yrs 8mths DS 9yrs;DD 19yrs;DS 21yrs Bomb drop:marriage not working don't know if ILY 12.11.11 DD:26.11.11 WH moves to OW house 28.11.11 Formal MB Plan A 14.4.12 Plan B 27.4.12 D:20.7.14
"There are moments in life that make us & set the course of who we become. Sometimes they're little & subtle,sometimes they're big & we never saw them coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what we do afterwards that counts & we find out who we are."
Can affairs ever occur in the context of a happy marriage?
My tongue-in-cheek answer is, neither person is gonna be too happy when the spouse who's not having the affair finds out.
Speaking to your question from another angle, it's very possible -- even for someone in a marriage where the spouses basically each like one another & don't much argue or fight -- to get into an affair, if there are primary emotional needs going unmet and if the person with unmet needs has poor boundaries around the opposite sex.
Me: FWH, 50 My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold DD23, DS19 EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09 Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009 Married 25 years & counting. Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband. "I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol "Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
I was "happily" married for nine years. That was before I found out that WW had been having affairs our entire marriage. It can happen to anyone.
Me: BH XW: Promises83 DS5 Married 10 years, first for both of us D-Day: 27 Oct 11 trickle truth-ed until all 8 OMs were discovered D Final: 16 Aug 2013
I am cautious about asking too much. I am "the cheater". People on this board have a lot of wisdom but they do not see things in shades of gray, most appear to have been betrayed as opposed to be "the betrayer", who remain oddly silent on the internet.
I am cautious about asking too much. I am "the cheater". People on this board have a lot of wisdom but they do not see things in shades of gray, most appear to have been betrayed as opposed to be "the betrayer", who remain oddly silent on the internet.
No Brescd01, you need to read a little harder. The recovered "betrayers" here are often LOUDER than anyone else, perhaps you need to look harder.
You see, "shades of gray" is wayward speak for "it's not my fault I cheated" and that excuse is complete BS and will not be tolerated because it's a typical crutch to attempt to absolve your responsibility for what you did.
Are you ready to be honest and take responsibility for what you have done.
Actually, Gloveoil who posted to you above, was the "cheater". He is definitely not oddly silent. He is wise and very articulate. There are several other men and women on this forum who had affairs and are currently in recovered marriages.
I am guessing that you love your spouse and want your marriage. I am also guessing that you want to continue your affair. Am I correct?
There's very little "gray" here.
If you haven't already, take a look at the basic concepts and why affairs occur.
AM
BW - 70 WH - 65 M - 35 years D-day - 17 Apr 08 H broke contact 11/1/09 Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
Actually I have ended the affair and taken responsibility for the infidelity, as well as a lot of other things that damaged our marriage before it and that are more important to me personally. I have looked for "cheaters" testimony but if it is here, it is obscured or I have not looked hard enough, feel free to steer me to relevant posts. It is a lonely experience.
I do not have a double standard, had my wife been unfaithful to me, this would still be insignificant to me compared to the "love crimes" we may have committed against one another in our unhappy marriage. But I ablame myself first, don't worry.
Taking responsibility for your affair is more than just saying "yes, I did it". It is about comprehending the magnitude of the offense you have committed against your wife and being pro-active in seeking recovery.
Your post is "woe is me". "... More important to me personally" "It is a lonely experience" "... had my wife been unfaithful, this would still be insignificant compared to... we committed against one another"
Does that sound like a person who comprehends the affect of adultery in a marriage.
Can affairs ever occur in the context of a happy marriage?
There is a hidden agenda behind this question that is yet to make itself clear.
You have been unfaithful in your marriage. Did you have your affair in the context of a happy marriage? If so, you know the answer to the question (it's "yes"), and so there would be no need for you to ask this question as a way of introduction.
If your affair happened in the context of an unhappy marriage, you would not be here asking about happy marriages.
So why are you here? Is there something that you know about affairs that we (and Dr Harley) do not, that you need to bring to our attention?
Can affairs ever occur in the context of a happy marriage?
There is a hidden agenda behind this question that is yet to make itself clear.
You have been unfaithful in your marriage. Did you have your affair in the context of a happy marriage? If so, you know the answer to the question (it's "yes"), and so there would be no need for you to ask this question as a way of introduction.
If your affair happened in the context of an unhappy marriage, you would not be here asking about happy marriages.
So why are you here? Is there something that you know about affairs that we (and Dr Harley) do not, that you need to bring to our attention?
Oh, I see.
****edit****
Be honest and don't hide behind "innocent" questions when you want to present yourself as an alternative authority to Dr Harley.
Last edited by JustUss; 06/05/1207:55 AM. Reason: TMI
People on this board have a lot of wisdom but they do not see things in shades of gray
That's because the issue is black and white, my friend. You either understand that you're a human being wired for having affairs, and you guard yourself accordingly...or you don't.
If you don't, and you haven't had an affair, it's only a matter of time before you do.
Originally Posted by brescd01
most appear to have been betrayed as opposed to be "the betrayer", who remain oddly silent on the internet.
You're not looking hard enough. My WW started posting here after I went to plan B. Her thread should still be around.
Me: BH XW: Promises83 DS5 Married 10 years, first for both of us D-Day: 27 Oct 11 trickle truth-ed until all 8 OMs were discovered D Final: 16 Aug 2013
One topic is loss of trust. How can a spouse ever trust an unfaithful partner again? My answer is that the spouse should never have been trusted in the first place. I shouldn't be trusted by my wife, and I shouldn't trust her. The fact is that we are all wired for infidelity, and under certain conditions, we'll all do it. The way to protect your marriage from something that has been common to man (and women) for thousands of years is to recognize the threat, and do something to prevent it from happening. Basing a marriage on the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward preventing an affair. Being each other's favorite leisure-time companions, and not being away from each other overnight are also important safety measures. Meeting each other's most important emotional needs,avoiding Love Busters and building an integrated lifestyle, free of secret second lives, are all ways to affair-proof your marriage. With these measures in place, we end up trusting our spouses because an affair becomes almost impossible to achieve.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
I am cautious about asking too much. I am "the cheater". People on this board have a lot of wisdom but they do not see things in shades of gray, most appear to have been betrayed as opposed to be "the betrayer", who remain oddly silent on the internet.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
I am cautious about asking too much. I am "the cheater". People on this board have a lot of wisdom but they do not see things in shades of gray, most appear to have been betrayed as opposed to be "the betrayer", who remain oddly silent on the internet.
People who see things in "shades of gray" do so because they are fogged out and confused. That shouldn't be your go-to guy if you want some quality help. Most folks here are not afflicted with such impediments.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
