Grim, my $.02 for free.

It sounds like your wife has love busting conversation habits, and some selfish demands. She shouldn't be upset when you want equal conversation about things you like.

As for the porn, my wife made me realize that it upset her because she felt she could not compete with it. It made her feel ugly by comparison. As a result, she hides her body from me. I'm hoping one day (soon?!?), she'll be happy with herself again. I don't yet know how to overcome this. She also feels like it was an 'affair'.

To me it is somewhat irrelevant whether porn is bad for society or not because either way it is never going away. Regardless of what I do it's not going to make much of a difference compared to all the millions of men that will continue to view porn no matter what people do to discourage it. Also, there is so much free porn on the internet and it is so cheap to make and distribute now that I doubt that many of them can continue to do this as a full-time occupation anymore and there are many no-name amateurs in porn now.

I don't have any children yet but I doubt that my opinion would change much in this case if I had children. I already know that if I had a daughter then I definitely wouldn't want her working as a stripper or in hard-core porn but at the same time I wouldn't want her to be so worried about porn that she thinks being completely porn-free is the single most important factor when choosing a mate or that if she finds out that her husband has already been viewing porn sometimes and doesn't permanently stop then she should divorce him over this expecting to trade up.

I don't know if my wife really thinks about some of these big-picture questions that much. She has watched reality shows about Playboy Playmates and I never once heard her say something like, "Those poor helpless and exploited women that have to take their clothes off this way; how degrading and unfair." As far as I can tell she didn't think there was anything that unusual about this arrangement but that doesn't mean she would let me keep any Playboy (or even Maxim) magazines at home.

My impression is that my wife objects to porn mostly because she has been taught that it is wrong and she thinks her dad and other married men she knows aren't ever viewing porn so there is no reason why I should either. On top of that it is threatening to her because it makes her feel insecure, jealous, and possessive almost as if I had a crush on real women that live nearby but to me it is simply a harmless diversion completely disconnected from real life.

Yes, my wife continues to bring it up and constantly nags me to not do this and tries to make me feel guilty about hurting her feelings before. I'm sure I will continue to view porn sometimes just not very often and I doubt that I will ever get caught again. It was a half-hearted agreement from the beginning because if it was up to me then I obviously would have preferred for my wife to just let me keep my porn stash and look the other way. My primary objective in avoiding porn is simply to reduce the risk of making my wife upset and I also don't like having secrets to hide all the time. However, if I confess to my wife every time I slip up in my efforts to do what she wants it will only make her feel worse and it is emotionally draining for both of us to fight about it so I feel like I have no choice but to hide the truth sometimes.

So what? She objects. Do you love her enough to let that be sufficient, or are you going to try to educate her as to why it's wrong for her to be against porn.

Because you are coming across that way.

She is against porn. Let's assume that will not change. In fact, by the POJA, you can ask if there is anything that would make her enthusiastic about it. But if she says no, then I think it's a pretty much done deal.

The views of the posters here on porn do not matter regarding your marriage. The two views to consider are your wife's because you are married to her and Dr Harley, the expert who runs this site.

I'd suggest that your wife's view is most important because you are trying to establish a close, intimate, romantic relationship with her.

Dr Harley says that trying to educate a spouse is (or can be) a love buster. So trying to educate your wife on why she should change her view on porn is unlikely to make your marriage better.

So my advice is to accept that it's unacceptable to her, and decide how you are going to proceed with that being the case.

The bottom line question still applies. Which is more important, getting you way regarding porn, or having a great marriage. You say it doesn't have to be one or the other. However, it appears your wife may have a different view. I suggest you operate with the idea that she will not change her view.

How can you make it work if that's the case?

So let me understand this. Your keeping your porn stash is more important that your marriage? Because that's how it comes across.

You knowingly engage, or at least do not take serious measure to avoid behavior that you know makes withdrawals from the love bank.

The problem is not your wife's view on porn. The problem is your view on not following agreements you make.

Use the POJA, make and keep an agreement you BOTH can enthusiastically embrace. You avoid all the pitfalls of other types of agreements if you follow the POJA.

Then your wife will continue to be unhappy and will eventually fall out of love with you because porn is more important to you than her feelings. Anything that is more important than your marriage will eventually destroy it. That is where you are at.

Do you have the balls to tell her this?

Of course I'm not going to tell her that unless I start to feel ready for divorce or at least ready to be in the doghouse for a few days minimum over this. If telling the truth is basically punished harshly and dishonesty is indirectly encouraged then what do you expect to hear?

Are you a man or a mouse? Good grief...........

The point is that if she knew the truth, SHE might be ready for divorce. And she has the right to make that choice. Not telling her only denies her the freedom to make a choice about her own life. In other words, you would be manipulating her into staying married to you by withholding the truth from her.

Why not tell her and let her decide if she wants to remain married to a porn freak? That is her right, after all.

And she will eventually catch you. Then she will be angry about the porn and the dishonesty.

I have no intention to try to re-educate my wife or change her mind; like I said before it's not worth the hassle of fighting with her about it. It's not that important to me and I already got rid of my porn stash. My point is that I see it as mostly a misunderstanding where porn means different things to her than it does to me not that there aren't any understandable reasons why she would think this way.

Apparently it is important enough to risk divorce as you said in your last post that you would continue the salami slapping:
Even though you admit that she might divorce you or punish you.

How does keeping this from your wife fall in the Policy of Radical Honesty?

Dr. Harley explains if we follow POJA and PORH everything else will be taken care of with these two policies.
The Policy of Radical Honesty

I don't understand why your answer begins with "yes," when your answer is really "no." You did not stop the behavior that is objectionable to her, so she still objects. That's not surprising.

How about a trade: you agree to never have another sexual experience that she does not approve of or without her knowledge, if she agrees not to dwell on this part of the past and to never bring it up again? You could get her to quit bringing it up, easy!!!

No offense but I get the impression that you have misinterpreted the Marriage Builders principles and what is actually going on in real life in a way that is clearly inaccurate and not very helpful to anyone in this case. In the worst cases it could cause permanent damage to people's relationships. First of all I don't think you realize how common masturbation and porn really are for married men these days and how hard it can be for men to stop with these habits permanently.

Dr. Harley already said that it is normal for men to enjoy viewing pornography but that they should not do so mostly out of consideration for their wife's feelings and because he thinks all sexual experiences should ideally be with your spouse. That is basically it in a nutshell as far as I can tell. Am I missing something here? However, here you are acting as if liking porn is a rare and incurable disease. Where are these personal opinions outside of the basic Marriage Builders principles coming from? Is it because you are a woman that never really understood the way the majority of men will typically think and act when no one is around to frown on it?

Just because many men don't want to talk about it that doesn't mean it isn't happening behind the scenes. Get real; if women come here looking for answers and hear your own questionable ideas in this case and take them seriously will that really help them deal with the situation in constructive way or would they be more likely to fly off the handle and overreact with disrespectful judgments and possibly even call it quits or separate from their husbands unnecessarily? Also, is this type of judgmental and unforgiving attitude about porn going to make men want to open up and tell the truth about it or is it more likely to make them want to hide the truth and simply tell you what you want to hear?

You are hiding the truth. Tell your wife the truth. Let her decide. Right now, you are deceiving her in order to keep her married to you. You're not hiding the truth because she is judgmental, you are hiding the truth to avoid the consequences of your choices.

Please tell us how we are misinterpreting the MB principles.

What specific principle are you referring to?

How is it being misinterpreted?

Just because something is common doesn't mean you have to do it.

Prostitution is common. Drug abuse is common. Want to be married to a drug addicted prostitute? Or better yet, be deceived into being married to a drug addicted prostitute?

Yes, you are missing the whole point of Marriage Builders if you believe that dishonesty is a good approach to marriage. Nowhere does MB advise that you trick someone into being married to you against her will. Your wife should be the one to decide if she wants to stay married to a dishonest man who uses porn behind her back.

If there is nothing wrong with porn use, as you say, then you should be man enough to tell your wife your reasons. Not telling her is cowardly and passive aggressive. She will eventually find out about it and will be more likely to divorce you because of the added dishonesty. Most women don't want to be married to a salami slapper, much less a dishonest man and that is her right. You should give her the option of making an informed decision about her choice of a spouse since that is what you choose to be.


If you choose to be a salami slapper and a dishonest person, you should be man enough to stand up for those choices. The fact that you want to hide those behaviors should indicate to you there is something wrong. If there is nothing wrong with that, then why hide it?