I am two weeks away from getting divorced. My H moved out over a year ago to move in with OW. This D has never been what I've wanted and my days are still filled with despair and anger. Anger for what my H has done and the impact it has had on my son. My despair because I can't stop the tears and feel as though my life is crashing down on me. I will be unemployed in a month and the financial implications are obvious. I hate having my DS go over to OW/H place and it puts me a bad place for a few days after. I try my best at Plan B, but still see H at DS events that he goes to. I say nothing, but it tears me apart on the inside knowing that he has so little regard for me and DS. (or according to him-just me) H still doesn't understand the implications to DS future life. I hope and pray to God that he will someday be remorseful. But, I know that is probably not likely to happen because of his pride and apathy.

2H4M,

So did you ever expose your WH, and does your DS know what is going on, or did you allow your WH to escape with his reputation intact?

God Bless
Gamma

I exposed, son knows full story. I was disappointed that exposure did nothing to end the A. I felt the wrath for about a week then nothing. Their A is well entrenched, OW divorced her H and my H has been living with her for about a year. Life seems good for them. Mine, however, is falling apart. OW has own kids. My son feels replaced

Can you have your lawyer state that OW can't be near your DS?

You're not in Plan B if you see your WH you're in Plan C.

Read this Important/Special Events in Plan B

Also read this and make sure to go to the end to hear the radio clips from Dr. Harley talking about Plan C.
BSs Plan C is not a Plan

(((2hope4more)))) I feel your pain. I was there 2 years ago. I was so enraged I felt like I was capable of going insane. I never went to a full Plan B (as in black with no contact) but I did severely limit my contact and conversation until I could get a grip on myself. In my case I didn't want him back but I was still enraged that he had our ds around OW. (Pre-divorce I had court orders to keep our ds away from all OW--but post divorce all I could do was prevent her being there for overnights when ds was there). I HAD to get myself calmed down enough to be able to parent my son. I took a lot of 2 X 4s from this board but it did help me to realize I had to get control of my emotions.

I vividly remember the day I was driving into town (30 minute drive). My son was in the seat next to me and I was so enraged....but holding it all in. I began to pray, 'please take this rage from me so I can mother this child. I don't want to feel this way--live this way. I want to go on with my life without that big fat cheater.'....I prayed and prayed that way all the way to town. Then a peace fell over me and I felt sooooo much better.

With in days I met my future dh. Life does go on and you CAN get better. What you are going through is very normal, but I hope it helps to hear from someone who has lived through it that your life will be good again someday.

SW,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I hope I can get to that place you're in. Everyone says it takes time, to me time seems to be my enemy because it doesn't seem to get better. It's been over a year since H moved in w/ OW and I can't control my emotions (rage, despair, grief...) and sometimes I think it's worse than before.

BH,
I'm working on the best Plan B I can. Every request now goes through the lawyers. I do not call , email or interact with him at all. I can't stop him from showing up to DS events and it would just anger me more if I couldn't be there to support my son. It's a no win situation. Either I miss my son's events or I have to put up seeing him. I've chosen to support my son and just live with the internal consequences. I can't let my son down.

Hope,

The incident I described which felt like a turning point for me happened right after the one year mark. And I do remember feeling worse at that moment than I had in the months before. It WILL get better.

I strongly encourage you to be kind to yourself....what makes YOU happy....outside of your son of course...

I was asked that question by someone on this board when I was feeling like you are now and it really helped me to stop and think that there was more to life than my now XH who does not deserve any space in my head at all.

So think about that and come back and tell me...what brings you joy?

SW,

You are not the first person to ask me that question. Unfortunately, I don't have an answer, now. My family was my greatest source of joy. I feel no direction in my life. The things I used to think were important (career, pursuit of "things") have absolute no meaning to me anymore. My son brings me joy. Everything I did was for my family. I worked so we could have nice things, go places, do stuff, enjoy friends. That was always my ambition in life was to have a wonderful family and enjoy life. Now what?

There is no need to change that goal or desire. You just have to redefine family. At this point your family is you and your son. The family that included your husband is gone. Your life can't stop because your husband turned out to be a cheater.

If you don't have something (besides your son) that brings YOU joy then you should concentrate on finding something to fill that void. Pick a group to join, a hobby to take up, something---anything. Not only will it fill your time and limit the space in your head that you can fill with your WH---it will also open you up to new people in your life. New experiences. You never know what great friendships can develope from reaching out like that.

And finally---this is advice my mom has always given me---when you are hurting the most reach out and DO for others who are also hurting.

(((Hugs)))

Thank-you

I'm very concerned with you seeing WH and OW at your DS events. Every time you see them will be a cut of 1000 cuts. You could suffer from PTSD. I know how painful it is to miss the events (I've had to miss some VEry important events because of my XWH).

The protection of Plan B is very healing and you can start enjoying those new hobbies.

I actually don't see OW. She has the decency to not show her face (or more likely doesn't have the courage). But seeing H is probably worse than death by a 1000 cuts. It's more like swallowing poison and sitting there and enduring it. Death by 1000 cuts is listening every night to my son pray to God for his dad to come home.

I plan on moving as far away as I can (so I won't have to worry about H showing at DS events) but H has blocked me legally so I still fight that battle.

I truly understand the benefits of Plan B. When I don't see WH, life does "seem" to get better. But I endure the pain because I refuse to have my son suffer more disappointment because I'm not there to share his triumphs. He's suffered enough already.

How old is your son? Do you think it is time to gently help him to accept that his dad is NOT coming home? Or at least not likely?

Do you find any comfort in knowing that you know the truth about your husband? That he is not who you thought he was? Aren't you glad you aren't living with him while he sneaks around and sees other women?

Drop offs and pick ups were much harder for me 2 years ago. Ds sees his dad mid week, so it seemed like I was constantly just about to drop off or had just dropped off. I hated it. My favorite was the span from Wed to Wed when we didn't have to see him at all. A week sure helped.

All that to say it DOES get easier. Now drop offs are barely a blip for me. Just 30 minutes out of my time when I drive to XH's house and then drive home. I never see OW either. In 2 years I've only seen her car ONE time at my XHs. I do have to hear about her and that is still unpleasant for me.....but seeing my X isn't painful. I did remarry so that may have something to do with it....but time does heal.

This is me in a nutshell. I never did a Plan B (I did severely limit interactions with him and I pretended in my head that he was dead/didn't exist/had never been born).

Ds doesn't do sports and so there have only been a few events that XH showed up to...NEVER with OW though. I don't think either one of them have the nerve for that.

SW,

I thank you so much for your time and insight. I read your story hoping to be able to follow in your footsteps.

My son is 12. We have had the talk about his Dad not coming home on several occasions. I could have the talk with him at dinner and by bedtime he still says the same thing. I asked him if he does it for me and he says no, he says God can do anything.

I don't know if I find comfort in knowing that my husband is capable of the lies, deceit, contempt and hatred and that is who he is. Maybe because I don't WANT it to be true and have trouble believing it. The problem is I still love him, despite the irrationality of it all. We've been together for 18 yrs.

My son is 12 as well.

Do you still WANT your dh to come home? Maybe that is the difference. I was DONE and ds knew it. And although I mourned the loss of the life I wanted/was promised I did not feel like I still loved him. He was not lovable. What he did to me with the affair and how he fought me on property settlement...not lovable. He did not deserve my love.

Do you still want your WH back? So even though Dr. Harley recommends plan B when the wayward refuses to stop abuse you aren't going to do what Dr. Harley recommends?

Why not email Dr. Harley on the show? Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

I still struggle with that. Part of me wants my life back. But, I realize I could never go back to how it "used to be". The question is could I forgive him. First, he would have to be extremely remorseful (I don't believe possible) but then I'm not sure because of how he's treated me during this A. Very ugly and nasty. Then there is the part that I would somehow find a way with God's grace to forgive him so my son can have his family together again. That is extremely important to me.

But in my reality, I can't imagine any of this happening no matter how hard I pray/wish. I've heard it all. "I am NEVER coming back", "When will you accept I"m with OW." "I don't love you." I know it could all be WH fogbabble. But, it's been a year, so I'm starting to believe it.

As for Plan B. I know Dr. H's idea for Plan B. But my guilt seems to override the intent. I don't know how to get past that. I love my son and feel I must be there for him. Maybe you have some ideas that would help me change this thought process.

What could I possibly ask Dr. H? I've accepted the inevitability of the end of my M. It's not what I want but I don't see it changing.

You could ask D. Harley if he recommends Plan B and how to do your DS12 events.

Have you read these?
Parallel Parenting

On the special events Important/Special Events in Plan B

I would sit your DS down and explain to him how much it hurts you to see your WH at the events and you need to protect yourself from him. Our kids understand as long as you're honest. I don't think your DS would want you to be in pain, do you?

What events are you talking about? Sports, recitals? You could have someone record it for you and then you have a copy to watch together.