He's still looking at phones. He called his phone from mine and said, "Listen to this, doesn't it sound tinny?" I picked up the dead home phone and handed it to him and said, "Listen to this one, you can't hear anything!"

My biggest frustration here is that he wants this swept under the rug, while the battle to restore home service is still on. I refuse to play ostrich. I threatened the spamming company with a lawyer today if they did not snap back my service to my carrier after allowing someone else to open an account in my name. I asked the supervisor if that was their normal practice. He said he could not comment on that, but as soon as their department in NJ was back open, they would port my #. He could not tell me when.

My original carrier is NO BETTER at customer service. Thing is, this is the first time I've had to use it. I turned the phone on so long ago, had no trouble moving the service to my last house and then this house, no problem. I guess the hurricane along the east coast has screwed things up worse, but get this: my H says I am the one who is the cause of not having service. what the??? I recognize this, deflection of blame. (I did refuse the additional equipment required for the VOIP service he signed us up for, when UPS attempted delivery, thinking that all this stuff could be simply reversed, since it was done in my name without my permission, and i did not want it.)

Anyway, he was looking at phones and I told him that spammer company has cellular service, if he wanted to work with them then he should make the switch on his account, and I'd follow with my cell. He's as married to our cell company as I am to our land-line company, does not want to switch. That makes me madder than heck.

Whew, vent OUT.

NED, I had a repairman out to my house to fix my dishwasher. He was a complete creep, condescending, tried to charge me $100 for a warrantied repair. I called his boss and let him chew the guy out on my phone, flipped him a finger, gave him the boot, and gave him a scathing report on my customer service survey. But you know I'd do that. I just don't know how to deal with you type of folks who don't stand up to people. There are things that freak me out, like cigarette boat and large cruiser wakes on the lake, but people don't trip me up much. I knew my repair cost zero, maybe you would have spoke up if you knew the cost. Would you have?

We're okay. No threats. If he wanted to divorce me about this, I think I would have to, because it is an absolutely ridiculous thing to divorce over and I'm over the threats. I'm cool with conflict, I like finding resolution, I do NOT expect rainbows and bubblegum everyday of married life. My life is overall very good, my marriage is, imho, stronger than most but needs work like all marriages do, and I think we're finally at the point where we both get that. I was never ready to quit, ya'll know that.

I love my man almost as much as I love my land-line carrier. j/k. I love my land line as much as he loves his cell, and if he screws with mine again, I'm switching him to his nemesis without his consent, bwa-ha-ha.

cwmi, I would have spoke up had I known. And now I know to get the estimate before they come out. Scammers live in the land of I-don't-know, so I don't do business with folks like that anymore. They can spot me, well I can spot them, too. It was one of those one-time experiences, I would never let that happen again. I hope your H, too, will run for the hills if some guy calls about changing the utilities again.

Phone still not on.

I'm struggling. I know this is a DJ, but I think the man is about the dumbest box of rocks I've ever had the misfortune of picking up. I don't know if it's just all trickling off of the phone issue; probably so, but some of this stuff goes way back to last year. We got a letter from the cable company last October that we needed to get free converters for all our televisions that were not hooked up to a digital box. I ordered them, they came in, H installed them and announced that they didn't work. I said I would return them, he said don't bother, they were for analog televisions and would not affect ours at all. I believed him. FF to the other day, I found a great deal on a treadmill I knew he would like, he said buy it, so when we were selecting a place for it I suggested in front of the television downstairs. He said it didn't get any channels. I suggested that we try that converter we'd gotten, maybe he'd tried to hook it up before it was truly needed and that's why it didn't work. So he hooked it up again and said, "See??? The dam thing doesn't work!" I had the instructions that came with it and asked him if he'd read them. "Of course!" So I asked him if he read step 5. He said he read the whole thing. I read step 5 aloud: "Call [cable company] to activate device."

*crickets*

I did get an apology, and the televisions are working now, but I got a bunch of know-it-all BS and my kids missed out on having their own televisions for ten months because I believed what he told me and assumed he was bright enough to read directions, if not at first, at least when something doesn't work.

And this weekend he hollared at me about not bringing trash bags on the boat, when they were in the exact place I told him they were...again, I didn't check behind him because I assumed he was smart and thorough enough to check the place I'd said they were, and I could have been mistaken. When we got home, I unpacked the bag, and there they were.

I don't know how to walk this fine line. He wanted me to stop second-guessing him and stop following up on him, but he screws up and then blames me, and it seems so much easier, at least on my family and the aggravation toward me, for me to do just that, assume he doesn't know what he's talking about. He wanted a breakdown of an account (in his name), I told him I didn't know, he could just look it up while he was online. He was annoyed by that. I asked him if he would go look up random stuff for me that I didn't feel like looking up. He said I would never ask him to do that because I'm too controlling. I said I was competent, NOT controlling.

Not good times.

How would you all feel about doing the end-of-the-chapter exercises for the AO chapter in Love Busters?

What did Steve tell you to do about the hollering? I think there's an article on the site about that, something like, I know how you don't like how I ... expect you to read directions when you're not enthusiastic about that ... but that's no way to talk to me. Do you want me to be in love with you? Because that's no way to act like it! How would you feel cwmi about saying something like that?

Have you ever read what LA says about progressive boundary enforcements? Did any of it ring true for you?

I think too that it would go a long day in a calm time to tell him that you understand that some things just seem to be too much for him... and that's okay.

Do you think he may be one of those electric fence types, who twist themselves into pretzels to avoid doing things that come easily to everyone else, but are like beyond painful to them? Like calling the cable company or reading directions 10 months ago when he could put it off for the foreseeable future?

I let him know that its not okay with me for him to be snappish or yelly, and have wound up walking away from the conversation after erm, giving a warning. Honestly, and here's another DJ: I think he believes he's above directions. It probably is beyond painful for him to read something that goes against what he believes to be true, ie he already knows how something works and he doesn't need any dam manufacturer telling him how it works because he has divined it!

Sometimes I wonder though if he does just want me to do everything. Maybe it's a DJ for me to think he is actually smarter than he acts sometimes. Like when we were on tthe boat this weekend, we had some friends out with us, and H and the other H were on the boat while me and other W were in the water, and the kids climbed aboard wanting fed. H was hollering down to me, "are all these sandwiches the same? Where are the plates? Did you bring napkins? Where are those?" we always get the same sandwiches, and we brought one bag on board, LOOK! Everything you seek must be in there!
After the second or third question, I started paddling over and said I'd just come up and take care of it. He said no, I got it. I said thanks. Then he hollared that I'd put the tables away wrong.

I said Thanks! again. I know I didn't, what else was I supposed to do? Argue the point? Not worth it!

You have more choices than just agreeing with him or arguing with him. I'm glad you spoke up.

I need to vent some more.

H came home with some vague info about a refi on our mortgage. I said it sounded interesting, wanted more info. So he looked into it a bit, sent me some info via email, texted me for my SSN, instead of sending it I called him with some questions about what I'd seen. He didn't have the answers, said he would talk to the company and let me know.

So I find a receipt in his email where he has gone ahead and paid for the appraisal, with a note on the application documents that my SSN will be provided in the future. I have not agreed to this--BIG SURPRISE.

Big surprise, too, that I'm not happy at all. I've never heard of this company, I wanted all the information before making a decision, I wanted to check on the company with the BBB (it is unaccredited, B) and google complaints BEFORE moving forward. Our last conversation ended with my understanding that a decision would be made after I'd reviewed all the information, but apparently he had the understanding that I was all-in if my questions were answered--even if I was not given the opportunity to judge that. I saw the receipt and called him, and he said, "I'm sending you more information RIGHT NOW." I said, "I wanted it BEFORE we paid anything. Are you still having trouble with the concept of joint agreement?"

Apparently so. I emailed him the BBB report. He said that nothing could happen as far as closing without my signature anyway, and I said, you're dam skippy, so you'd think you'd make sure I was onboard before shelling out a nonrefundable $400. I told him that this solo-decision-making was something I really disliked about him.

By the time I'm ready for Plan B, I'll be in Plan D and totally over it.

/vent

It sounds like Mr CWMI has found a loophole and is finangling it for all he's worth. Its the loophole of "if I can claim that I thought you really agreed then I can do whatever I want without POJA."

As you might expect he is probably relying on the fact that you won't want to lose the $400 application fee, and so will go along with it. This is probably not marriage builders worthy advice, but if you can handle it I'd lose the $400 in order to make the point that this is not ok.

What does Dr. Harley have to say about spouses who continually break POJA, or refuse to stick to agreements? There must be something on the site about that.

I think it would be covered under When to Call it Quits.

I'll write them. We've counseled with Steve, H knows the deal. Poja or nogo. Right now we are sittting at the point where I say NO to everything except those things I definitely say yes to, because it is too confusing for him? Apparently me saying, interesting, tell me more, means Yes to him.

To me it means, tell me more, I might be interested. He said he doesn't get that, i need to say no. So. I shall.

Well, thankfully the phone and mortgage and work-related IB is over and we are mutually satisfied with that.

Over all things are great.

But I revive this thread because yesterday was blech. And I'm feeling ill about it--physically. I haven't been to the doctor, so I don't know if it is psychological or truly physical.

Boating is our new thing. We have had some challenges there, and have been able to work through them well using MB. One thing that H tends to do, though, that I find quite unpleasant, is driving too fast through wake. He insists it is safer to keep speed. I say it is beating up the boat and the people in it. We've often had to reconnect speaker wires that break free after he barrels through (read: over) wake; he does not believe these things are related. I have no way to prove that they are, because we don't cruise with the radio on, and only find out that the speakers are not working when we anchor the next day or next weekend.

So yesterday, he was barreling though large wake and I ended up bracing on the floor praying that the rest of the family would remain inside the boat, begging him to slow down! He didn't, we came out of the wake in one piece, and he was all, "See? No problem!" I ended up taking over later, and showing him how nobody had to brace if the driver just took it down a notch when going into wake, and how easy it was to just lag back when a big-waking boat like a cruiser was around. I pointed out a few other boats who also slowed in big wake, rather than powering through. Sometimes, he gets us airborne, which "makes me nervous." <<he says I should be less nervous, rather than him slowing down.

Anyway, we explored some new areas, which was nice because our lake is unpredictable in depth so he took it easy while we were just cruising in those areas. We found a place to anchor, and the kids and dog jumped off to explore an island. A man started walking down the beach toward our kids. I said to H, "Maybe you should go over there," and he felt that, on top of me telling him to slow down in wake, I was telling him what to do.

So he goes; the guy was taking photographs off the end of the beach (NOT of our kids) and I noticed the boat was drifting. I checked anchor, and we were off the hook. I hollared to shore: We're loose! Ya'll swim back! and they ignored me. So I hollared louder. Off the hook! Come back on board! Last thing *I* would want is to see my ride fire up and pull anchor, right, while I'm stuck on an island? He said I was yelling at him. I agreed. I was getting further away. I was in an unanchored boat, floating a hook. I was still close enough for them to swim back.

I was "demanding".

Then the joy of the day continued. After they got on board and I got the free anchor pulled in (it was holding us at least a little steady against the 10mph winds), he (rightfully so, imho) refused to drive, and that's when the wake thing came into play. Since he had driven us up into this creek, I turned and asked him if I was heading in the right direction at a fork on the way back. He said, "I don't know!" Other than that, he refused to speak to me, and instead pouted on the back bench of the boat. I got us to a bay area instead of the channel and stopped, and asked, "What needs to happen to set this right and make it so we can enjoy the rest of the day?"

I got the barrage of old complaints...about me complaining. I can't tell him how fast to drive, don't tell him when to protect his kids, etc.

He ended with: I just want to be able to relax! I said, Me too! So I drove us back to the cove that we usually enjoy, and the rest of the day was great.

UNTIL...we got back to the dock and were walking to the car and came upon a family with a loose pit bull in the parking lot. H had our dog on a leash and stopped. Told the kids to stay back. He asked a man standing by the dog if the dog was okay. Some woman said, "Oh, yeah, that dog's a big old puppy, never hurt a soul." H explained that our dog WAS a puppy and very spirited and he was worried about her barking at theirs and starting something. She was like, "Nah, he'd just sit there!" So H continues walking our three young children and our puppy past a pit bull and I said, "Put your dog on a leash." I stayed put. The man said, Nah, he's fine! I said no, it's the law, put your dog on a leash or put it in your car. The woman mocked me.

H said I was RUDE. The dog did stay put as promised, but I, and the law, require dogs to be leashed in public.

And that sounds so much like an old story, I am discouraged today. Plus, my lower back and upper chest hurt, and I think that may be from hitting wakes. Probably didn't help that I was terrified and bracing...

Just venting, cause I want to rip *someone* a new one, and it's better for me to do that here.

The boating sounds fun. Sorry you are having difficulty.

So much of your dynamic with your dh reminds me of my first marriage. I would voice what I felt was a valid concern...and be called overbearing or demanding.

Didn't we reach a mutual agreement to not post to each other?

CWMI,
You are probably more versed in MB concepts than myself but perhaps an objective opinion would be acceptable to you.
First I have to say the intelligence level of pit bull owners is usually inversely proportional to the dog's likelihood of killing something that has a heartbeat. There is no winning with these people.

Your story above seems to illustrate to me a lack of nothing more than use of POJA. I believe it would solve the wake problem and then the tone would be set for the day - leading to smooth sailing in all other areas. I beleive the SD's/DJ's on both sides would diminish. (your complaints which are legitimate evidently become SD's because you don't feel heard the first 10 times).
I don't know much about you or your implementation of MB principles in your marriage and don't really have time to investigate, but I wonder how much understanding your husband has of using the POJA technique.

just an outside perspective for what it's worth.

opt

.

Opt, he did say I 'beat things into the ground.' Which I found slightly funny, saying that I would never have said another word if those people had just leashed their dog.

Sometimes he is great at POJA, but on the fly, not so great. Neither am I. I'm all, Leash your dog!"

CWMI, I don't know where to find it right now, but I know I've read Dr Harley talk about his wife's dislike when he drives too fast for her. The simple solution is that he he just slows down to her comfort level. He would not do anything that makes her uncomfortable (not to mention frightened). I think this comes under the "avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness" rule.

Your H should stop driving the boat too fast without argument. I know he knows this because he has coached for months - at great expense - with Steve Harley. When you point out your discomfort, he ought to stop driving too fast and that should be an end to it. I hope he does not take your marriage back towards where it was. He has enjoyed a much happier marriage for many months now, and he has the tools at his disposal to continue having a good marriage, despite differences between you.

Do you think you can talk to him about this?

We have talked about it, and he has apologized and said he would do better. I get frustrated about his juvenile behavior and told him I will not stop and talk him down anymore.

I probably will, though.

Cuz I love him.

We do have productive conversations, way more than we used to. Things have been great, yesterday was weird.

Here.
Radio clip on driving fast

That clip is hilarious.