I have been here more than ever the past couple of weeks. A sure sign that confusion is mounting! You have all been so generous with your advice and concern - I re-read it all and try to process it and put it into the context of my life, but something always comes along to bring my doubts back to the surface…. <P>I feel so much hope sometimes, more that I have in so long and I do not want to quench it. But, does it make any sense to hold on to it? Yesterday I had a tearful phone call with H, honestly telling him that his intermittent, intense presence in my life, although it is fantastic when we are together, causes me to crash once he is gone again and that I do not want to do this anymore. I asked what all the letters we have exchanged lately and the time we have spent together meant to him. He said it meant a lot because it let him know that I am still there. Again, I told him that I am still there - wanting to rebuild the marriage, for now, at this time, no guarantees for 6 mos from now, but that I do not wish to be so pushed and pulled emotionally. He then told me that the last "sleepover" with me was "perfect" and "sweet", not just the sex but the intimacy, the way we finished each others thoughts, talked all night, etc., how that is something you can only get with someone you have known for so long. And if it were to be the last time we were ever together that he would carry wonderful memories - but that he isn't saying it has to be or should be the last time. And you all wonder why I am not yet committed to inpatient psych care!?<P>He said he sometimes thinks about us dating, maybe getting counseling, slowly rebuilding - but that he is not there yet - he also sometimes thinks about not staying together. He hopes that once he has a job again and has made that decision, that other decisions he knows he needs to make will come easier.<P>All this came about as we talked about Thanksgiving. I offered for him to take the kids to his relatives for a few days without me, and he acted so hurt. I said I know if I suggested we all go together that he would say yes - and he confirmed that was true. But I told him I was tired of having a great few days and then coming back to the uncertainty and non-commitment. He asked how do I know a few days together wouldn't change things between us - I answered that I do not know, but he has given me no indication up to now to expect anything different. And so it goes….. I hope, I let down boundaries, I crash, I rise to hope again (always encouraged by H, but without commitment).<P>How do I break this pattern and how do I hold to it? Not his pattern (I know I can't do anything about that) but my own inability to keep boundaries? I do not want to frustrate you all - I know I keep asking the same questions over and over again, but I am so stuck!!!<P>Help….thanks,<BR>Starpony<BR>

Dear SP,<P>Thanks so much for posting from your heart. I, too, am searching for an answer and, as I read your post, I found it.<P>It just seems to me that without a solid commitment from our spouses verified by future actions consistent with the commitment, we've got nothing. <P>Hope can be a wonderful thing when there is a realistic expectation of future reward. Without that, hope becomes a terrible prison.<P>My wife, as it seems also is the case with your husband, is good at making general promises and assurances, but fails to make specific commitments. This keeps us guessing and constantly off balance and living like that is pretty much impossible.<P>We've got a counseling session scheduled in a little over two hours and, thanks to the fact that I was able to see my own situation through yours, I am going to ask for some specific things from her there and if she continues to be noncomittal, I will make my decisions accordingly.<P>

I seem to have lost my hope. While the affair is over w now seems to be looking at us with a fine tooth comb and does not like what she sees in either. We don't have anything in common, no chemistry, I don't stimulate her mentally, I don't make her laugh. She is not sure she can be a mother or wife and perhaps prefer to live on her own.<P>My w is very strong willed and once she has her mind made up she usually follows it right or wrong. <P>While she has agreed to joint counseling(she made the appointment), I haven't heard of any commitment from her either. <BR>We too have a counseling session tonite and I would like to hear some type of commitment from her too.

Hi Starpony<P>As you know, I am right where you are right now. I get little bits to make me know he still loves me but no commitment. Holidays or at least planning for them are a nightmare. I am seeing a little bit of hope again now but I have been here so many times it scares me. I know that you know what I am talking about. I have to be sure next time he comes home that it is really for good - how does one know this? How can one know that he really means it this time? Those are the confusing questions for me. Do I go ahead with my life without him and without all this confusion? So many questions with no answers. My thoughts are with you just wish I could help.

Hi Starpony,<BR>Me too--the confusion, mixed messages...<P>I'm reading your posts I just don't know what to say anymore, because nothing seems to work for me either.<P>Then there is my own mounting doubt and mistrust. I don't even want to trust anymore, that's a new one for me. Still love him though...<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

Hi friends,<BR>Thanks for the support. I had a real confidence booster today with a recruiter calling me about 2 jobs out on the coast (roughly 2,000 mi from here!). I feel I have nothing to lose by pursuing them - if I do end up divorced, I want a better paying job and I can use the confidence boost right now - need to focus on me. I did forward the job descriptions to H, just to get his opinion (I have been doing this for him with his job search so why not-no ulterior motives right!). And he left me a message that they looked interesting and if I got a great job - he could stay home and cook - huh, we aren't even living together! Just more proof how confused he is...<P>Murray, I am glad I helped you in some way. Hope should not be a prison - you are so right. Hold out for commitment backed by action!<P>RWD - It is so frustrating when they rewrite the past to fit their current warped present. My H did this before he moved but does now seem to realize that he focused on the bad to the exclusion of the good. Good luck with your session.<P>loveu - what can I say? Will it ever end for us? Or only when we are the ones who take action? Hang in there.<P>Lor - When do you and H go to counseling together? I think you are so strong to let him know up front that he can't just move back in.... You go girl!<P>Starpony

Hi: Hope you all don't mind me joining in on your conversation. I am in the same position as the rest of you. My wife has been sitting on the fence for almost 2 years now. She's had an on and off affair with a friend of ours and I am really having difficulty living in the same neighborhood. I've moved out and live in an apartment, but still in the general area so I can see my kids. I see this guy where ever I go. He's at the kids school, stores, and I even pass him when I go to work. I too am dreading the holidays. I think I will just bag Thanksgiving and enjoy that I won't have to be at work for 4 days. I try to do things by myself, but it is very boring. I am not sure how much longer I can hang on to this roller coaster ride with the W. I do love her, she keeps me hanging on by giving me little indications that she still loves me, so I just can't seem to break it off with her. I've been married to her for almost 14 years now. We have a history. I believe it was a good history (until the past 2 years). Anyway, thanks for letting me join in and let off a little steam.

Sorry Starpony I am using your post here but I just wanted to say to Desperado that I understand his pain. I live in the same neighbourhood as the OW, same school, grocery store etc and it is a living hell. Just wanted you to know that I understand.

Thanks, loveu, for your kind words of understanding. You live in the same neighborhood too? I wish I could move, but I want to be near my daughter and son. I am feeling a little down tonight and your support helped so much. <P>I just received a phone call from "her" and again, a little shred of hope. Why do we hang on to these little shreds? This was only a phone call, but we didn't argue, she was sweet, and it gave me hope.

Back from counseling. Got a very minimal commitment, but a commitment nevertheless. Starting to see her as genuinely confused. All salesmen know that a confused mind can not make an affirmative decision. Got to develop a plan for her to get clarity.