Thanks for asking, that means a lot to me. I have not heard yet, according to the USPS it should arrive today or tomorrow. I can't help but feel worried that I'm opening up a huge can of worms here but I feel like you guys know what you're talking about so I'll do what you recommend.

WH and I had a lot of time to talk this weekend. He has even made his list of EP's (his suggestions based off the book SAA which we are reading right now.) I was wanting to get spyware on his phone before he did this but as part of his EP's he is requiring spyware. Not sure if that is a good thing or if we've jumped the gun before I have proof A is over. I'm trying not to let his "talk" dictate that even though all his time right now is accounted for. Right now the spyware is just writing on paper. I'm still hoping to find some that works on his phone and sneak it on without him knowing just as a precautionary measure.

Our talks included me telling him that he needs to step it up. Me putting in all the effort isn't going to cut it. I said some things (without any LB's) that were very blunt and maybe mean but I'm glad they were said. He needs to realize that just because a year has passed with little progress doesn't mean I'm going to continue in this marriage with little progress forever. I have encouraged him to come here even if only to read. He is warming up to the idea. I would love you all to get your hands on him....to help him understand the extreme result of his actions.

What do you all think about my spyware issue. Should I still try to sneak it on there or wait for him to do it according to his EP's? Also any other suggestions for where to go from here?

Just got contact from the OWH by telephone. He said this was all new news for him. He basically stated if he had known my wh wouldn't be able to walk. Don't know what I've started. He asked a few questions and wanted evidence. Unfortunately my wh has destroyed most of it. I only had his phone bills and text messages from the OW. He destroyed both.

Now what? Wait for him to contact more? I have many more details but he seemed to shocked to ask anymore?

HELP I'M TERRIBLE WITH CONFRONTATION!!

homefor5,

Remember this: YOU haven't started anything! You are trying to END a disgusting roll in the pig pen between your husband and BH's wife. You are doing the right thing by giving him the information that he needs to decide what to do with his own life. You are exposing the TRUTH.

Your WH and this man's WW are the one's who 'started' something, they are just taking you all along for the ride.

You have done your job, by exposing this to the OW's BH. How he handles it on his end is his business now. If he calls you for more details, I would be forthcoming with them. Frankly, I just think BS's need to stick together, when the waywards are full of their lies it is nice to at least have some source of truth and honesty.

Don't think of this as confrontation. Just you stating a fact. If he contacts you again tell him you are fighting for your marriage, and you would like his help to make sure that his wife never contacts your husband again, and that you will do the same on your end.

Good job on this exposure. YOU did nothing wrong to expose the truth.

Thank you so much unwritten. I needed to hear that. I have actually called wh old phone company and have transcripts of the telephone bill on the way. I feel the OWH deserves to have proof like I had. Thats all he asked for so I can do at least that.

I think that is the right thing to do. You can be sure his lying WW will gaslight him and fill him full of all kinds of bull, without proof we all know it is hard to not WISH it was the truth! If he has proof he will know.

I agree. He called again to tell me to send everything via certified mail tio ensure he gets it. He sounded awful! I feel so bad because I remember what that first day was like.

Home you should be so proud of yourself for exposing to OW's BH.

He didn't know anything and now you helped him with the lie his M was/is.

Yes send him what you have. I would keep him as an ally. If you talk to him he can verify NC on his side.

Send him a text and tell him about MB. Send him the link to here and tell him we will help him.

This should help you with confrontation. Good job my friend.

I remember that day, too. It was unreal. It was gut-wrenching. And it was the beginning of our recovery. Thank God that day came.

Good job.

Any thoughts on the spyware? Do I try to put him off and sneak it on without him knowing or just wait for us to do it together as part of his suggested ep?

Install the spyware and do not let him know about it.

Then in your EP's for him you state that he will have complete transparency with you.

Definitely install something he doesn't know about (on at least one thing -- ie phone) because if he knows about all of the spyware, he can easily dodge it if he decides he wants to do one more "little" thing. He could then use a means of communication that he knows you haven't installed anything on.

I'm working on it I agree that thats a good idea. Now if only I could find something compatible.

Well I was just notified by the phone company that I can't get itemized phones bills for the OWH because WH old phone number has been reassigned.

Can't get spyware on his phone because they don't offer any for his newer version of iphone firmware.

I feel stuck as far as what else to do. I have to admit things have been going better here but thats because I was able to take steps towards moving forward. Now I feel stuck again. We're still reading SAA slowly. Wish it was faster but WH doesn't feel like a lot of it applies to him because there wasn't an emotional attachment to OW.

Any suggestions on what to do next. So far I have notified OWH, made Extraordinary precautions list with WH and put keylogger on computer. (Haven't seen anything shady thus far but I think WH is onto the fact that I have installed something.)

WH has been doing good with doing whatever I ask. His face when he found out I notified OWH was priceless. His jaw dropped clear to the floor. I'm sure his thought was I cannot believe you had the guts to do that. He was happy though because he is worried of running into OW someday to and he feels he wronged her as well so that meeting would be awkward he said because he never wanted anything more from her and he wasn't sure if she did.

Perhaps have a voice activated digital recorder (sold at Target, Radio Shack) and learn to use it so it does't make noises when it is activated or deactivated.

Put it where WH might go to make a 'private' call?

Here you go.
Recording Equipment (VAR)

Thanks guys. I have already purchased one and found nothing. He is only in his car for maybe 5 minutes to and from work. From there he rides with his co-workers. This is why I thought maybe spyware would work better where I can activate the mic on his phone. He has exposed to everyone at his new job as well without my asking him to. He states he wanted the accountability since I stated that some comments to different woman make me uncomfortable. I know almost everyone he works with and the ones I don't he is trying to make sure to bring them over for lunch or invite them for dinner.

As far as contact with the OW, I am convinced that it has ended because every second of his time is accounted for. I've even randomly shown up at work which is extremely unusual for me. Right now I'm just trying to make sure things are Affair proofed by testing his openness and honesty which he has always had an extremely difficult time with. I feel like this problem alone has been a huge contributor to his A being possible.

I have also installed the software that someone recommended to extract everything off his iphone when he syncs it with itunes. Again I haven't found anything incriminating.

I still don't trust him. I feel like as soon as life isn't perfect here he will begin to lie again.

How much UA time are you getting?

How is your POJA going?

Oooh good question. I never thought of that. With 3 little ones and 2 teenagers I know its not near enough. Its crazy because on weeks when its really low I get a feeling of hopelessness about ever fully repairing things. On days when we've made it a point to get in at least 3 hours I think wow we may actually pull out of this.

POJA is going good but I'm having a problem with telling him my feelings about things still. If something annoys me or I don't like it I tend to just behave passive aggressively about it until I feel like its went away. Completely unhealthy I know. I have a hard time telling him that something he is doing is deducting Love units... I have to work on my need to be a people pleaser and avoid hurting others feelings.

We are both extremely passive agressive. Any help on how to deal with this?

You need to sit down and schedule UA time. Do not stop snooping.

Your UA needs to be without the kids. Your teenagers can babysit, correct?

Have you read this? When should you tell your spouse we have a problem?
The Policy of Radical Honesty

Does working on recovery issues count as UA? Such as reading SAA, writing down EP's, working on completing EP's, talking about A related things? I just wonder this because evening right now are our only UA time and that is also the only time we have to work on the above things?

And at what point do you stop talking about the A's? Right now as we're reading SAA WH will bring up things about it, making sure that he has told everything and didn't leave anything out that I may find out later. (So far his stories have not contradicted which is a good sign.)