That's why I was insinuating that you might want to move to the recovery board? But that's totally up to you and F(?)BH?

I think you may have deserved your Fs?

Is it normal for my BH to bring up OM and say his name lime if is no big deal? He brought him up tonight, if course it was followed by drowning him in a pool. But he said it so carefree and was even laughing while he said it. It made me very uncomfortable and I told him that but he did not seem phased.

Thought from both sides???

Very normal

He may be trying to gain control over OM in his mind. I would suggest that, at some point when everything is calm, you talk to him about your feelings when you hear OM's name. The two of you come up with a nickname for OM that is catchy but insulting, and use that as long as needed.

Hopefully as he fades from memory, he will eventually just become plain ole XOM again. In the meantime, a nickname may help both of you.

XVY, rather than tie up BV's thread, I thought I'd bring you back here.

Rarely do I ever "tear up" about a note, but yours to BV was so "spot on" about the utility of sexual intimacy in healing a BH I had to give you your props.

The only thing that prevented me from totally losing it was your providential phrasing:

...enough for me to put on my big girl pants and be happy that he was even touching me...

Funny, most men would hope for the opposite action!

Happy Fourth, my friend.

NG,

I seem to be very good at using phrases that mean the total opposite of what I am saying. I do this quite often without even trying. This one actually made me laugh out loud and I would probably nor have noticed if you would nor have pointed it out.

Happy 4th to you as well and I thought of a new signature line while I was writing to both you and BV.

A lot of people survive an accident but they never truly recover. I don't want to survive my affair I want to truly recover from it.

I seem to be very good at using phrases that mean the total opposite of what I am saying.

Never in the important compositions, I would attest!

Good luck, my friend.

Hello Everyone I am back. Actually, I have not really gone anywhere I have just been reading and taking in advice rather than writing and giving it. I have however once again sloped into the downward spiral of the roller coaster that I set in motion nine months ago.

Things have been going good but I feel like there has been a lot of conflict avoidance going on between both my H and myself. Last night however we had a very honest conversation and it left me feeling scared and unsure about us.

To try and keep it short and sweet, last night my H and I started talking about honesty and telling each other how we feel. I once again told him that I am willing to do anything to make him feel safe. His response to me was "I see that you have changed and are trying but my gut tells me that this is only temporary and every time I try to get close to you something tells me it is not safe".

These words were fine and I understood them but then he went on to say "I want to be able to give someone my heart again someday and I will never ever be able to give YOU my heart again".

This absolutely crushed me because even though he has been more reserved in the past, his actions lately have shown me that he is started to care about us again...or at least that is what I thought until last night. He cuddles with me, calls me, jokes with me, makes love to me (our sex life has never been better). Is this all an act? Is he just spending time with me until someone better comes along?

He said that it did not come out right,that he misspoke (seems to be a lot of that going on in Missouri lately...ha ha)but when I asked him to reword it, he could not. When I asked him if he is dead set on NEVER letting me back in...he had no answer


I asked him why he was back if he had already decided to never let me back in and he said mainly for the kids but also because he is still not sure how he feels. Another crushing blow. I told him that being back just for the kids was not fair to any of us.

Even as he speaks these hurtful words, again his actions do not go with them. Never the less I am crushed by them and not sure what to do. Is this his defense mechanism? Is it worth the effort if he has already decided that he will never take me back?

Another thing he continued to do last night was bring up the affair. Saying things like "If you truly loved me, you would never have done this. How can I trust you again, I trusted you completely before and you were so sneaky. I had no clue what you were doing and I scared that you will do that to me again."


I have no defense against this because I understand where he is coming from. All I can do is try my best now to show him that I am not that person. That I have changed my ways...Im just not sure if it is going to be good enough.


Sorry that I am rambling. I am interested in any and all advice and opinions. I know in my heart that I am not the person I was and will never be again...I am trying to show him and do not want to give up on us!!!

In addition I just read my bottom statement about not just surviving my affair but actually recovering from it. I feel like my H and I are in survival mode and because he has decided to not give me his all that recovery is nearly impossible.

Will time heal his wounds? He is a very stubborn man who struggles to let out his feelings so it is very hard for me tell how he is really feeling. I am terrified that he is just biding his time with me. A part of me feels I brought this on and deserve it but another part of me feels that need to continue to fight for my marriage.

I just feel so hopeless

My FWW and I are 8mo's into R after her A and also FR. Check out her thread; clearmind. You may gain some perspective from a FWW and what she is/has done to do her part.

As a BS and also a man, what I can tell you is that at 8mo's into R, I am JUST now starting to feel somewhat safe enough to let myself become vulnerable to her and fall back in love. It took MANY months to get to this place and we still have a long way to go.

The only reason I am mentally where I am at is because we both mutually have embraced MB philosophies to the fullest extent.

In addition, she has now proven to me with continued good behavior since we started R that she won't hurt me again.

Your H is Scared. He is scared you will hurt him again. You must prove every day that you will never ever hurt him again. Until he sees this through action, he will not feel safe.


Look, it is going to take a very long time to earn his trust back. MB is not a cafeteria style program. Both sides must embrace every part to make it work.

We have learned Patience is the greatest virtue (by both sides) in R. R is Marathon not a sprint. A VERY LONG marathon at that.

I usually don�t post to WW�s but you seem very remorseful and your heart is in the right place. Hope this gives you some encouragement to stay with the good fight and just do YOUR part. He must do his as well.

THANK YOU!!! YOUR WORDS MEAN A LOT TO ME!!!

One additional thought if he is reading this thread, I would tell him that the best thing he can do for himself is to really give MB a try..go full in.

Get all the books, get the UA time in.

And most of all remember; Feelings follow actions.
__________________________


AND, if he gets 1 ounce of doubt that you are not committed to this...he is going to tuck his tail and withdraw more.

PROVE to him your committment. SHOW it to him everyday.

That is what my W is doing and it works.

This must stop and stop now. Period.


NO talk of the A ever again. No mention of the OM ever again.
He is making it hard on you and on himself. Trust me I know first hand.


I learned this lesson the hard way.


You must both put the past in the past if you want to live for the future. Bringing it up is painful for both of you.


Read what Dr. Harley says about this in SAA. Once all the questions have been answered and you start R it should never ever be brought up again.

Ever.

BIG lesson I learned in R. Bringing it up just keeps the past in the present which is the last thing you want.

20 YH,

Can you tell me the name of your wife's thread and if it is in the SSA section or Recovery. I feel like I have read some of it at one point in time but I can't find it now.

She is clearmind and she's here on SAA.

Keep snooping in case this goes beyond the normal pain of a BH. Over the past months, your descriptions of him and his behavior have raised numerous red flags.

15years. Have you discussed the logic of this statement with him? You are someone who has learned how to affair proof your marriage and are actively trying to EARN back his trust.

It would be fool hardy to write that off and give his heart to someone else who has not learned these lessons.



15years. I struggled with these same thoughts that your DH is struggling with. It took awhile for MB to sink in.

I agree with Neak...keep an eye on him while he is in this vulnerable state.

"I want to be able to give someone my heart again someday and I will never ever be able to give YOU my heart again".

Ouch!

But yet:

He cuddles with me, calls me, jokes with me, makes love to me...

I'd also infer he was continuing to raise children with you, build a life together with you, speak respectfully of you to others, and work at a job to provide your family with sustenance, shelter, etc, etc.

Assuming you feel comfortable that he is, as well, remaining true to you as regards other entanglements, 99.9999% of the people on Earth would conclude he is in love with you. He may even be in that majority, if he were to be able to objectively make such a call.

So why did he go out of his way to say something to hurt you?

Something triggered his memory bank of resentment and pain. It may well have been something totally alien to your actions (learning f the impending divorce of a friend), or it may be something that brought him back to the time of your affair, or of the time FBH learned of the affair.

Or (and this one's on you, my friend) he might have detected through your no-doubt honest and truthful expressions of affection and warmth with him a comfort-level within you that he believes you have not yet earned.

If he were here, I'd give him the "Old XVY vs New XVY" algorithm to help him isolate the woman whose actions HURT him from the woman whose actions are designed to HELP him. (To get an idea of how that is applied, scan MSS's thread on Recovery.)

With him not here, I'm going to remind you that NO EXPECTATIONS must be your watchword.

Not sure of the answer I'd bring to this myself, my friend, but if FBH were to continue to perform all those underlined actions with you for, say, 50 more years, but withheld the magic word, would that suffice as a life for you?

I just keep looking at the past nine months and how far we have both come. As many have said, it is a very long road and i am still at the beginning of it. NG, not sure how long I will be able to go without his heart, his love, and his full respect. I can tell you that right now I do feel like I am still EARNING all of the above. I will continue to show him how much he means to me and hope that one day he can give me back the heart that I so carelessly broke. Thank you for your wonderful advice and letting me write a book in response.[color:#CC0000]