How do you know its completely over? My wife had an affair 9 months ago with a person she met through work. We split up and she went to live with her mom...kids every other day etc. 2 months ago she contacts me and says she wants to try ....that she is compelled to make it work with me and vows no more contact...things go pretty well....we make the changes we both feel are necessary and I got sick about 2 weeks ago and had to be hospitalized for 6 days..I am fine now...well she started contacting him again and now says she cant be happy with me but does not know what to do...He makes her happy and that is what she wants...but she wont leave? I have told her countless times to just go...what now?

I am sorry, bruinsb, if she is contacting him, it is not over. Contact is just as much a part of the affair as any other emotional or intimate attachment.

You can break this affair up, though. Most affairs die a natural death because the affair couple are not at all likely to do what it takes to have a good permanent relationship with each other, and it is usually much more logical for them to go back to their husband or wife. You can use this to your advantage.

Please hit "notify" and ask the moderators to move your thread over to the Surviving An Affair section to get help. The affair is on; you are not in recovery.

Who has it been exposed to?
Exposure 101

Will she write a NC letter?

Welcome to MB.

I agree with Markos. Your wife is in the infamous "cake eating" stage where she wants to have both you and her A partner. She CAN be happy with you again, but it will take busting this affair and recommitting to the marriage.

Read all you can on this site - there's a lot you will need to do in order to survive all of this - but it CAN be done! You will need to expose the affair and make sure it ends for good. Your wife is still "addicted" to the affair and the fantasy that surrounds this OM.

Once you've read all you can, we will be here to support you!

Glad you are out of the hospital.

Thank you all for your replies...This has been very hard and I feel so defeated. She really felt after 6 weeks things should have been great again and she would not miss the OM anymore...this is crazy...right? there is no way 6 weeks is enough time.

All of her family and my family and both sets of friends know....

What do you do when you just feel like giving up? My kids (boy 6 girl 2) deserve better...and I am trying so hard and it seems for nothing?

6 weeks is NOT long enough, especially if you haven't been on a recovery plan and just expecting things to get better!

How on earth would things be great again? You have to overcome her infidelity. She has to overcome her addiction - the PEA chemicals that are all in her brain now associated with OM due to the affair.

Is this OM married? If so, you need to expose to his wife! If he's not, expose to his family. Have you contacted him to tell him to stay the he!! out of your marriage?

Your trying is not for nothing, esp. with 2 small children - but you have to try in the right way. Sometimes our "trying" is well-intended but not really what we truly need to be doing. Marriage recovery after an affair is tricky business.

You WILL find the answers here - and we can help you - but you need to be mentally prepared for a bit of tough love on your part, when it comes to dealing with your wife.

I'm not sure what both sets of friends mean.

Does WW still work with OM?

The OM is in a 5 year custody battle for his child. I have not contacted him mostly because I am a fairly large man and just don't want my temper to get the best of me ( and I know it would) We have discussed through out going to a christian counselor and she was taking that on as a measure of good faith...no appointments yet although she did try but the counselor we wanted is full...there are 2 others to pick from that do christian counseling so maybe it will happen. I caught her with emails to him ( they are in the same line of work and share clients) and flipped out...she slept on the couch two nights ago and snuck in bed with me let night while she thought I was asleep....we are supposed to go on a family vacation this weekend and wants me to go...i don't know what to do

Bruinsb,

The OM needs to be exposed now and massively, without warning or threatening. Does the OM have a wife or girlfriend.

Copy down all of his facebook contacts, find out who his wife/girl friend, pastor, family, children, neighbors, boss workplace associates, clients/customer are. And then go to work.

Exposure will be followed by abandonment of your WW by OM, which will allow your WW to being recovery.

BTW if the story is that OM is not married you need to confirm it, oddly enough the OM may be lying to your WW too.

God Bless
Gamma

My friends and her friends know...she of all things is a therapist and he is a pychiatrist so they share patience.

He has no one and believes she is the one....I work in a field in which that type of compromise could subject me to dismissal...cant really explain it but my job would be in serious jeopardy and I need it for my house and the kids...I have thought about a lot of things to do but am really hem-strung as to what my actions can be...hope that makes since

There could be some ethical ramifications of their behavior in their respective fields. You could make a complaint to the medical board in your state about him. Especially since they share patients, they are supposed to have a professional relationship. Worth a try!

You lost me bruinsb. You would be dismissed if you exposed the OM who is trying to break up your family?

I work for the government and obtaining his information would be considered unethical in relation to what I do....cant really say much more but its a serious consideration. Cant be unemployed and single and get my kids

Does that mean that they still work together in a group practice?

I'm sorry. Trying to piece this together.

Bruinsb,

Do you understand that this OM is attacking your children?

Destroying their family?

If this person were stealing $250,000 from your children's bank account that had been put away for college would you call the cops. I don't know what the statistics are, and if the 250K is accurate, but the effect of a divorce on children's standard of living must be enormous on average.

God Bless
Gamma

no she has her own office space but they share about 30 clients and need to consult each other on treatment plans etc.

I can understand if you use confidential government means to gather info but is that true for public knowledge widely available on the internet, facebook, etc?