Hi,
It's been a while since I posted here, but I really need some prayers and advice. Been married 3.5 years and I'm a pastor's wife. Both DH and I have been faithful in our marriage, and while we have made an effort to put quality time into our marriage since the dating days, sometimes ministry matters squeeze out all time and attention to marriage and family life. I don't think DH realizes how much he 'abandons' me and his 13 y-o son, all in the name of church business. It's like we only have any lengthy conversation or devotional time when I initiate it. If I never say anything, then DH assumes our marriage will 'keep itself.'

The really tough part of our marriage is that he's pretty quiet and I'm talkative. I need stimulating conversation like I need air! DH doesn't offer much of that at all. He's more of a basic guy who doesn't need much, and I'm an intellectual type for whom stimulation is a must. And so I've found myself at a point where I'm very lonely. Actually I've been lonely for quite some time, but I usually manage to suppress it through busy-ness, as we are both quite busy. But it's becoming harder and harder to ignore my deepest emotional needs.

Well I recently reconnected with a former fellow church member. I had visited my old church and as I was talking to another member there, and this guy (also married) came by and greeted me. It was a brief and innocent greeting, but enough to pique my curiosity about him and how his life was going. I looked him up online through a professional network (not FB), and sure enough he was there. I sent a request to connect, he promptly responded, and we have been emailing, texting and phoning ever since (for about 2 months now). Fortunately we live in about 3 hours apart, so there is not the everyday opportunity to meet up. In my heart of hearts, I know this is dangerous, but he is so much of the conversationalist that I miss with my husband. We talk about many topics and he is very doting and constantly complimenting me, as I do him. We've both shared very personal things about ourselves and our family lives. We don't avoid references to our spouses or our children (we talk about both frequently), so my mind tries to use that to convince myself that we're just friends, but I know better. What really confirmed for me that this has become an EA is when he invited me to join him to "hang out" in the state where he is out of town on business this week. I told him emphatically that I would not disrespect my husband (or his wife) like that, but the truth is that this is exactly what we're doing when we're on the phone for 1-2 hours...or texting back and forth like teenagers. It's just so refreshing, and talking to him fills a deep void for me emotionally. I find myself thinking about him a lot and anxiously awaiting our next conversation. But another part of me feels very guilty because I love my husband dearly and I want to believe that I would NEVER step across the line and betray his trust or our vows. I dunno though...I'm learning that loneliness can be an immensely powerful emotion!!!!!

But this is not what I want for my marriage! Sadly, I don't have any true Christian lady friends in my town (I relocated here when we married), plus it's not that big a place and I don't trust women, knowing that "private" matters in our community usually end up as very public ones. But I know it would help if I was accountable to someone. I've asked my husband over and over (every since we were dating) to take more interest in me and what's going on in my world. But that usually falls on deaf ears. It's always me catering to him in his world. And though we do share a few interests and goals, we are very different in other ways.

Anybody dealt with this and came through it unharmed? How did you cut off the EA? I want to be able to return my acquaintanceship with my friend to an 'appropriate' association (if that's possible) without having to cut the guy off totally, as he and his fam are longtime church friends of mine. Sorry for being so long winded, but I need prayers and I need help!

Yes, many people have come through this. There is a plan here to follow, but if you pick and choose what parts of the plan you will follow, you will not recover, and you will destroy your husband and family in the process.

I see from your first post here that you posted previously under a different name. Please share it with us.

Now if you have been here for some time, you really should understand the dangers inherent in letting another man meet your emotional needs, shouldn't you? If you know how the love bank works, you know that that causes people to fall in love. It sounds like you may have posted here, but not actually learned Dr. Harley's concepts and insights.

So I'd strongly suggest that you start learning. First of all, I would strongly encourage you to start listening to his radio show. He talks about emotional infidelity a LOT. Please listen to it with your husband.

Second, please share this video with your husband:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6806_inf.html

Third, please read Dr. Harley's articles about how to survive infidelity. Here is the cover page for the whole section:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Since you are Christian, I hope you will look to the guidance our Lord provides you in His word.

If you want to recover, you will need to follow this:

http://scripturetext.com/james/5-16.htm

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed"

To whom do we confess? Strangers? A priest?

I would say that the Lord wants us to confess primarily to the victims of our sins. If you have wronged your brother, go and tell him.

I see you called Dr. Harley's radio show last year. Can you tell us what day it was or help us find that show in the archives?

Did you follow Dr. Harley's advice? I am certain that he did not advise you to have an emotional affair. What did Dr. Harley advise you to do?

Hi MM, welcome to Marriage Builders. You have done the right thing in making this post and have probably prevented yourself from making the biggest mistake of your life. The best way to stop this train wreck is to show your post to your husband and make a committment to never see or speak to the OM again. You cannot be friends with him or speak to him again, because your feelings will always be triggered. Telling your husband the truth will help him hold you accountable and that is what you need.

Your husband should also understand that he is doing a poor job of meeting your emotional needs. Telling him will give him an opportunity to do a better job. One thing you should focus on is devoting at least 15 hours a week of undivided attention meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. This is the minimum requirement to maintain the romantic love in a marriage and to keep both partners happy and fulfilled.

This sentence makes me cry.

You have already stepped over the line. You have already betrayed your vows.

A man has already "connected" with you and "stimulated" you in your deepest emotional need.

If I let a woman do that to me, it is an affair.

An emotional affair is no different, it's just a different intimate need being stimulated.

What you are doing is not somehow magically okay just because sex has not transpired.

This is not "emotional infidelity brewing" as your subject line says. This is emotional infidelity occurring.

Do you understand the definitions of physical affair and emotional affair? A physical affair is one which includes sex. An emotional affair is one which does not include sex. Which type are you having? How can you say this is not an affair?

Please, you are stealing what belongs to your husband and giving it to someone else, just as surely as if you gave your body. You are giving your heart.

Please, stop stealing and give back what you stole.

Mary, this is exactly right. Following this advice has saved many, many marriages. Why not do the right thing and let your marriage become what God intended?

Confess to your husband first.
Confess to your family and church next.
Send a "No Contact" letter to the OM. Shut off Facebook. Change email addresses and phone numbers.

Your husband deserves to know. Your family and friends will keep you accountable.

This is not possible. This man has essentially raped your husband.

He is also an addiction for you. Your husband will never be able to fill your need for conversation as long as this man is around. He must be cut out of your life completely.

This, MM. Read it again. And understand the main point - your husband has to be involved. You can't have a healthy marriage alone. HE has to understand that. Your sitch is not uncommon in marriages where the husband is a pastor.

Asking your husband to pray for you isn't going to get it, friend. And I suspect that was a thinly-veiled cry for help to him. You need to come out with it and tell him what you've been doing with OM. You need to be honest about your involvement with OM.

You both have to do the work to have a healthy marriage. I'm not saying this is the case, but I hope the two of you aren't depending on God to keep your marriage safe. God has already given you direction to safeguard your marriage - I think He expects you to use the brains He gave you.

Read this from a WW who married her AP.
Newcreation's Thread " What Happens when you marry your Affair Partner"

Thanks Everybody, for your responses. Markos, I honestly do not recall what that previous log in was...which is why I had to create a new one. I'm gonna look around in a couple other places because I too am curious to know what all I posted.

To answer the questions:

I believe it was Nov. 2010. The caller was "Savannah" who was married to "Fred." It was somewhat a separate issue - my struggles with the corrupt church denom. that my husband pastors in and my desire to find a healthier church through which to serve God. But the jist of the call was how my perspective about being stuck in a 'dead'/money-hungry church in the name of 'stand by your man' was/is affecting our marriage. The Harley's sent us the book 'Love Busters' but sad to say, we haven't read it in its entirety yet. It's definitely time we do that! Oh, you asked what did Harley advise. What else? Stand by your man! (In a nutshell.) I recorded it on my dig cam. I'll go back and listen and let you know more specifically what he advised.

@ MelodyLane: I'm just not sure he "gets" it. He is always willing to do couple's devotions and date nights but offers very little romance and while he has gotten somewhat better at communicating, he is still slow to execute any changes that would help him meet my ENs better. "Telling him" is something I've been doing for more than 3 years. I guess at the end of the day though, I married him because of his deep sense of loyalty and overall trustworthiness. I figured I could deal with the other areas where he lacks. But he definitely accommodates my shortcomings a lot better than I do his.

Yes markos, I understand well the definitions and differences. And I appreciate your candor. Unfortunately sometimes it's hard to make the head knowledge and the heart knowledge line up. But all of the advice here is really helpful, and I do plan to 'stop stealing' as you put it.

Believe it or not, we've had this conversation on many occasions. Very recently I flat out asked my DH from where/what we could sacrifice some time to focus on our marriage. He had no answers. It's as though there's no way he's gonna give up any focus on church matters (which aren't overbearing on a local level...it's a small nongrowing church. it's more of the meetings, paperwork and financial demands from the 'upper ranks' that he spends time attending to.) We engage in recreation together a couple times a month, but no matter how much I ask, he has not made our time together a high priority. When we do get that time, it's usually because I've taken the initiative and he goes along. It'd be nice to have him take the initiative more often so I know that he geuninely WANTS time with me...not that he's just going along with whatever I suggest.

I can do that, though honestly it's doubtful that I will tell him everything. He has a history of women who've cheated on him, and I refuse to give him the kind of ammunition that's going to make him distrust me forever...and that's exactly what he's likely to do if he knew everything. I think given him a general idea of what's been going on is enough.

Unfortunately this is bad advice that paints a broad stroke of assumption. Maybe this would work with your fam and church members. But if you knew my family and our church members, you'd understand that this is NOT a good idea. Accountability partners have to be trustworthy and have the ability to be discreet with sensitive information. People who have a penchant for placing others' personal failures on a billboard are NOT ones to share your struggles with. If I did as you suggest, I'd be adding to my emotional angst and then having to seek counseling for THAT too.

Great idea. I will do exactly this. As I mentioned in my post, we did not connect on FB...I got rid of my page several months ago. It was a professional network site where we connected.

I agree, my husband deserves to know. But again, my family cannot be trusted in such matters. That would be so totally counterproductive...which is why I came here in the first place.

I don't have close friends in our church or community (which seems to be a common problem among ministers wives), but this too is something I need to work on. Funny enough, I met a sister the other day who seemed really genuine and we shared a lot in common. I felt like God put us in each other's paths for a reason. I hope a friendship blooms there.

Not to excuse my actions as I know there is NO EXCUSE, but I want to add a bit of other background detail:

Unfortunately, this is not the first EA I've experienced since we married (probably 2 others), but they were both VERY short lived as I tend to 'see the light' and quickly cut things off. One thing that makes things really difficult for me is that I am the 2nd marriage for DH. Because he shares a child w/his EW, it means that there's always this OW lurking in our relationship that eliminates my ability to have and enjoy the exclusivity that marriage is supposed to offer. Second spouses of parents deal with what I've termed 'Sanctioned Infidelity.' You have to tolerate stuff that would - under normal marital circumstances - be considered acts of infidelity...the visits to the OW's house, the calls, the texts...it all disgusts me and it never gets any easier. Whether it's communicating back and forth over schedules, money, activities, etc. it sooooo does NOT help that I live with a man who always has to be reaching back across the table of his past (referring to the X that is, not the kid). He has no emotional connection to the EW - it's pretty much like a business arrangement. My head understands that, but it don't mean diddly squat to my heart. It's still the picture of a marriage that offers me no exclusivity, and I never thought when I married him that this aspect would make it hard for me to give him exclusivity when I don't get the same benefit...and probably never will. (Add that to the fact that we still live in the house he shared with EW and it makes for an added mount of emotional liabilities for me.) My SS is about 5 years from being independent, but from what I get from other 2nd wives...the process just starts all back over - just on a different level - once the kids are grown and have their own children. (Don't get me wrong, I love my SS dearly, and we've both been a blessing to each other - he was abandoned by his mom @ a young age, and til this day probably still receives better treatment from me than her.) I would marry my husband again a million times over but ONLY under a different set of circumstances. I soooooo regret taking on the baggage of his X-Files. It's no excuse, but it definitely is a detriment to my own commitment level in marriage. Some days I wish I'd stuck to my guns and married someone who'd never been married and had no kids. Though...with forums like this, it's easy to see that many of those marriages don't offer exclusivity either!

I should probably reschedule the personal counseling I've been putting off too. A lot of what I deal with is stuff that DH can't change, and I've had to learn to stop bringing it up. But it's still affecting me negatively.

Thank you again for all your responses. I plan to make a hard break from this EA TODAY!

And how is this dishonesty been working out for you so far.

You're on your 3rd EA and are still an active liar.

Do you actually want to change or do you want to appease your husband and keep your true activities hidden... until #4 occurs.

First of all welcome, and well done for seeking help.



You already have. You crossed the line the very instant you decided it was OK for another man to meet your highest need. You deliberately sought him out on FB for that purpose. Your highest need (I'm assuming) prob isnt SF. You are going to another man for something that is MORE important to you. More of a betrayal to your husband.

How would you feel, if your husband purposefully ventured forth and tried to make contact with a woman he found appealing on FB? If he was purposefully trying to fall in love?

As you have discovered, having someone meet your highest need is highly dangerous because you now quake at the idea of it being taken away. You're addicted. Most women in your shoes eventually move it into a physical affair so they can keep getting that hit.

Confess to your husband. let him know you face your faults and humanity fearlessly and that you will bnever keep a serious secret like this from him.

I can tell you that although I am divorcing my H for infidelity, if he had come to me for help, at any stage. I would have helped him.

It is hardly fair to blame him for not meeting your needs. Your barriers to other men must be so high, that if you're husband were seriously ill and unable to meet any needs - there would no possibility of a spark of attraction happening elsewhere.

Plus your husband is working blind. Without the truth he cannot possibly know how serious the situation is. If he knew how much his marriage were in danger, you would quite possibly get a very different reaction.

I dont think radical honesty is a part of your marriage - you would have had to hide and deceive your husband as to the true extent of this friendship (does he even know about it at all?) else he would have become very alarmed. Reverse this trend today by offering to show him all the FB conversations, so he knows in full everything that transpired. Offer a polygraph too if he needs it.

You don�t sound very foggy (yet) so I'm hoping your addiction isn�t too far along. WWs tend to get stupider and meaner as the addiction drags them further in - whereas you sound intelligent and aware of the dangers. You need the right support and the best one is your husband and the knowledge you have done the right, though hard, thing.

That doesnt really do you any credit MM, but it helps me to understand you better. I thought that your seeking him on FB was very odd, its not often that women are so predatory, but you were clearly seeking the high and fulfilment you experienced in other As.

Youve got a pattern now. Get what you want - conversation - and cut it off before it becomes physical. You dont seem to realise it is infidelity long before it becomes physical and that it WILL go physical at some point.

After two EAs you knew full well that you cant be OS friends and share deep personal revelations without feelings occuring. But thats what you wanted.

Develop better boundaries so this cannot ever happen again.

Alis, thanks for your feedback. Indeed I do want to change. But I want to change for the right reasons and get to the root cause of our problems in marriage. I don't excuse my EAs, but I do believe they are indicative of deeper problems. Disclosing everything to my husband is no guarantee that things are going to be solved any quicker than me repenting and giving him a general idea of how I've wronged him. After reading the responses here and on another forum and giving this some thought, I believe the way to truly arrive at a resolution to this is to confess it fully at the feet of Jesus and allow Him to help both me and DH grow in the area of meeting one another's needs. And I will admit that I have not been fully trusting the Lord in these matters. Thing is, there are MANY people, including ones I've known in RL who disclose EVERYTHING and still end up right back into a pattern of both EAs and PAs. I think that's because, despite the knowledge of an existing problem, either one or both still did nothing to improve their commitment to meeting one another's needs.

This is not an attempt to keep my activities hidden, but I know myself - and DH - well enough to know that full out disclosure will not necessarily eliminate any future EAs if the main focus is not put on meeting ENs...on both our parts.

MM, your husband has a right to know everything about your affairs so he can protect himself from you. We know the "root cause;" you are chasing men and have poor boundaries around men. And you do it over and over and over again. You don't learn from your mistakes so it is important that your husband know the truth so he can hold you accountable.

This is vital information about your husbands life that he has a right to know. To not tell him is manipulative and cruel. You should not be trusted and he won't know that unless you tell him.

So the first step is to tell him about your affairs. All of them. This can't be swept under the rug anymore.

You need to send him this thread and let him read the whole story.

Full disclosure is the first step in changing your poor habits. The second is to change your habits. The main focus has to be put on changing your bad habits or you won't have a marriage to save.

It would be a huge mistake to go to your husband and tell him you have been a cheater because of unmet needs. That will come across as if you blame HIM for your serial cheating. You need to be a big girl and take full responsibility. You cheated because you have poor boundaries around men, period.

It is your decision to make whether you have another affair or not. It is all contingent on YOU changing your poor habits and behaving like a married woman around men. You allow other men to meet your needs and until that stops, you will always have affairs. Even if your husband did a fantastic job of meeting your needs, you would still have affairs if you have poor boundaries.

That is only HALF of the resolution, because you cannot be forgiven by the Lord unless you repent. Repentence means you confess your crimes to your husband and stop your activities. You can't say you have repented if you continue to lie to your husband. So yes, the first step is to confess.....to Jesus and your husband.

No more lies, MM..