I have been a long time lurker here. Trying to absorb the different advice and wisdom. Now I feel I need to throw my situation out there, because I think it is getting out of control.

I have been married for nearly 7 years. I am 38 and she is 31. My wife and I have historically been very good together. Very much the best friends type of marriage. We have a lot in common, are always there for each other, and very loving both physically and emotionally.

When we were dating, we had sex A LOT. After marriage, it tapered down to 2 or 3 times a week. Not ideal, but acceptable.

About a year ago it started to really taper off. We've had sex 2 maybe 3 times in the past year. Then about 6 months ago, a lot of the emotional intimacy started to go. For the most part, if I don't kiss her, hold her hand, or say I love you, it probably won't happen.

At first I thought it we just to busy for each other. It was only a few months ago I realized, or at least started admitting, there was a problem. I started to gently prod her to find out what was going on, to no avail.

About a 6 weeks ago, she told me she was seeing a psychiatrist. I asked her why, and she stated she did not want to tell me because she didn't want me to take it the wrong way. She was hopeful her psychiatrist could help her with that. So now my mind really starts going wild. If I tried to talk to her about it, she would just shutdown.

A few more weeks go by, and she tells me that she is seeing the psychiatrist because of when she was molested by her step brothers when she was about 12. She also stated it was the source of all the problems. It is certainly very believable and I do believe it is part of the problem. My concern is that it wasn't a problem for 10 years and I'm not sure how she thought I would take that the wrong way.

I tried to bury myself in working out, drank more (not every day or anything, or excessive), tried to talk to friends but didn't want to share the details with them really, etc... But I was starting to get resentful and bitter.

Then after a few more weeks, she left her laptop unlocked. I checked her history and noticed she was doing a lot of searching on "unhappy marriage", "sexless marriage", divorce, etc. She also paid a site to look up what I believe is one of her old boyfriends. I almost packed my stuff right then and there, because she had lied to me about what the issues were. I now wish I would have, because I vented my anger and frustration in a stupid direction.

I got to chatting with someone I met on a site similar to this. She was in a similar situation and therefore we had a lot in common to talk about. Neither of us were looking for an affair or anything like that, it was just nice to have someone understanding to talk with. So we started emailing. We setup rules like no last names, no phones, no addresses, etc. Keep it casual and email only. She and her spouse are in marriage counseling and she told her husband she was communicating with me about their marriage. I did not tell my wife because I was terrified she'd use it as an excuse to further withdraw. That was the second mistake. Just wait, I'm not done yet. So we each had a lot of pent up anger and resentment. So eventually the conversation started to turn into, "why can't my spouse be more like you", which started to turn into "if we went on a date, where would you take me or what would we do". It got detailed was really like planning a mock date. Naming restaurants, things to do, too much innuendo, etc. I should have stopped it right then and there, but I was really craving the attention. Third mistake.

So last night I left my email open on my phone, and my wife found it this morning. She refused to talk to me. So I am pretty sure she has convinced herself that I am having an affair. I did tell this other person what happened and that for the sake of my marriage I was ending our communication. But now I am not getting any from the wife, I'm paying for the consequences of cheating without the benefit of getting any there either, and effectively made a bad situation much worse.

This really stinks. I do love my wife to death. This past year aside, she has been a great partner. She is very kind, smart, caring, and very beautiful. I think I do a good job of letting her know those things.

So any advice for an idiot? I guess the silver lining is, we'll have to talk about our marriage now.

You are.

Cut your post down to just two paragraphs:

The rest is irrelevant justifications.

You had an emotional affair. Your wife is devastated. What are you going to do about it?

Read this:
What is an Affair?
"In the context of marital infidelity, an affair is however the offended spouse defines it."

Perhaps. I am in no way in love with this other person. I was weak and she was giving me attention. I already told my email friend it would be inappropriate for us to continue communicating. My spouse thinks it was physical. Its out in the open now. I am willing to discuss if she is. I appreciate your response and it is validating part of my fear. That now the entire conversation is going to be cut down to what I did. It needs discussed, but we have a lot more problems than that.

Excellent radio clip where Dr. H talks about what a WH should do for his wife to give him another try after his affairs. He explains it like an addict.

Radio Clip on a WH on what to do to get back with his wife 3:50 mark

You are not the victim here. Your wife is. These other problems that you are concerned about are small compared to the trauma your wife is going through.

You will need to address her trauma first.

Will you bring your wife here? Is she even willing to recover?

Have you done any reading on this site? The Basic Concepts up at the top are a good start. Buy "Surviving an Affair" -- you can usually get it cheap on Amazon.com

Are you willing to get a polygraph?

Maybe I am not being clear. I am willing, and wanting, to have an open discussion with her about what happened. It was inappropriate. It hurt her feelings. She is justified in being upset. We CAN and SHOULD discuss it.

This literally all just happened. I'm not sure where she is at with this yet. I'm hoping she'll talk to me tonight.

What I struggle with is getting her to talk to me. Even if its to say she is done with the marriage. I hope not. But I need and deserve to know something, right? I'm a little uncomfortable with some of your assumptions though. I don't know if you really understand the emotional trauma I have gone through. Have you ever been in a fully functional relationship and have your spouse emotionally abandon you? Its horrible. It does not justify what I did, but to say it is small in comparison though is not fair.

I'll consider bringing her here, but I wouldn't get your hopes up. She is very private.

To sum up, I think you are perhaps getting lost in my lack of interest in discussing my indiscretions. Its not that I do not think its an issue. Its just that it is the only issue in my marriage that I have control over, and I am willing to work through it. She holds the cards on everything else and does not want to discuss it.

Why, yes, I have. As have many here.
It still doesn't compare to the betrayal of an affair. I don't care if you think that's fair or not. It's the truth.

Are you going to buy "Surviving an Affair"? Are you willing to get a polygraph? What have you read on this site? What are you willing to do for her?

Did you listen to the clip?

Read these.
Here, from two of our best, former waywards.
Gloveoil's Post
HerPapaBear's Post

I struck all the stuff that is immaterial. It doesn't matter in your situation.

You are wayward. You need to come completely clean to your wife and to your OW's husband. That's the first step to recovering your marriage. Are you willing to do that?

I think this site is suffering a bit from group think and I think many of you have been so hurt that you project your insecurities onto others. Or at least me. I appreciate that you are trying to help, but for what ever reason you are not listening to me.

So I'll update you on the situation, for the sake of following through and that it may help others. But I think I'll be moving on afterwards.

The "other woman", I don't really know who she is. Just a person on the other end of an email that I was speaking inappropriately with. Don't really care. I've severed contact with her. Her status with her husband is her problem.

My wife read the emails. So admit to what exactly? Its all right there.

So my wife (and why do you speak in code about your spouses? DH, DW, OW?) and I had a long talk and put everything on the table. There was a lot of crying and hugging, but we were both glad that we were openly talking. I told her that I was glad she found the emails, because it forced us to talk. She admitted that she has been having some (very) serious personal issues and was trying to work through them on her own. We both agreed that our actions were wrong and hurting our marriage and that we both wanted to fix things. We are not sure how exactly to do that, but we know that open communications is the start. So we are going to start off slowly and date more. Rekindle the romance.

Wish us luck. Even though you guys couldn't really help me, I appreciate that you tried and were concerned.

Take care.

AH, the reason is sounds like group think is because there is a very strict path out of this mess you find yourself in. People are listening to you, but that misses the point. You need to listen to THEM. You are the least objective person on this thread and only know how to screw up your marriage. Folks are trying to help you, but you need to listen to them if you want to change your marriage.

The reason your affair is being focused on is because eliminating the conditions that led to the affair and cutting off contact with the OW is the FIRST STEP. Of course the problems in your marriage will be addressed, but when the Titanic is sinking, you first right the ship and THEN you start painting the cabins.

You have to do the first step in order to get to the second step. The first step is for you to end your affair and to eliminate the conditions that allowed it to happen. For example, it is apparent you should not be on the computer engaged in social networking. It is too tempting to you. So I would offer to stay off of all social networking sites.

Additionally, your wife should be contacting the OW's husband and sharing all of your communications with his wife. It is obvious you were planning on hooking up with her so he should be made aware of that. You are a threat to him and his children, so this is information that is vital to his welfare.

Those are FIRST STEPS. Once those are taken, you can move on to the next step, which is creating a romantic marriage using the basic concepts of Marriage Builders. Basic Concepts

But first steps first. Folks aren't telling you this because they are "insecure" but because that is how you recover from a affair.

From an objective perspective, you should know that the parts in red above don't pass the smell test. They are not believable. I have no doubt your wife has trouble with it too. You might want to offer to take a polygraph test if you want this to work, because this won't work unless she is assured she has the full truth.

I would guess you do know her full name, phone #, etc, and that you were planning dates. You need to just come clean about that. It sounds like you are protecting the OW so your wife won't call her husband. And she very much needs to call him and give him all of the communications she found on your computer. If what you said is true, then you should easily pass a polygraph and should be eager to take one.

Like I said... you do not listen. We did not intend to meet. This was the conclusion my wife came to as well. She read the emails.

If you subscribe to the theory that an affair is what the offended spouse defines it as, then your desire to label me is going to be disappointing. My wife does not consider these actions an affair either. Trust me, we talked it about it at length and AGAIN she has seen everything.

Also, AGAIN, the person in the emails DID tell her husband she was communicating with me and talking about her and my marital issues. And AGAIN, I do not care if she was completely open to everything with her husband or not. Nor does my wife. We both agree that is her problem. You need to stop assuming I have an emotional connection with this person.

Oh, and who said she had kids? I really think many of you are fantasizing as to whats going on, instead of reading what I am telling you. That is great example of what I mean when I tell you that you are projecting yourselves onto my situation.

I encourage you to do some self reflection for a while. I don't know that many of you are as equipped to help people as you may think.

I think we are all at an official impasse. I hope you learn to stereo-type less and listen more. I'm sure your often right in your assumptions, but often does not equal always.

No, I did listen. Trust me, I did! But your story is not believable. In the matter of affairs, it would be unwise to trust cheaters, wouldn't you agree? So a good way to resolve that issue is to offer to take a polygraph. That way, there are no lingering doubts. And you don't want your wife to have any doubts, do you?


The definition of an affair is a romantic relationship. That is what you had: an affair. So we can define it as a baloney sandwich but that won't change what it really is: an affair.


AGAIN, your wife needs to call up her husband and give him all the information about the affair. Since he already "knows" what could be the problem with this? Your wife can give him all of the communications she found. He has a right to have that too!


Guess who is the least objective person on this thread? And guess whose best thinking has screwed up his marriage? hint, hint, it is the guy in the mirror...

Why would we listen to the guy who screwed up his marriage? We know how to save marriages, you know how to screw them up. So doesn't it make sense that you should do the listening?

As they once told me in AA: take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth! That would be good advice for you.

Welcome to MB ... I suggest you take your 2x4's and them move forward. That being said I understand how you feel. However in my situation both my wife and I wre having EA's without even realizing it .. once i realized it I stopped all mine but my wife had a hard time coming to the terms with her EA as she seen no reason to stop talking to the guys on the internet. THis was creating a contrast effect against me as she was getting her #1 need for intimate conversation filled by other guys online in MMO games. Once i convinced her that it was very damaging to our marriage and many fights later .. she decided to do a TRIAL and stop for a while .. what surprised her is how her feelings for me started to come back as she allowed me to meet her need for conversation after a while. She was emotionaly distant for quite some time though while overcoming her withdrawl from these people that met this need for her.

OK .. on to you... Own what you did. I see you did that ... great. NExt and during is to find out why your wife has been emotionaly distant. Do you work long hours? does your wife stay at home all day? Is she on the PC alot? Do you guys get enough UA time? (time alone without kids, friends or family meeting the 4 intimate needs of conversation, affection, recreational comapnionship, sexual fulfillment? Dr. Harley suggests 15hrs a week MINIMUM.

I would begin a STELLAR plan A (read up on the site about plan A) and during this PLAN A begin snooping. Put a keylogger on your PC and find out what shes up to when your not home.

REad the basic concepts

REad the articles

Read the books HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS and LOVE BUSTERS (reading these books outloud together makes great UA time and allows you to discuss each chapter with eachother)

PRINT OUT 2X of each of the questionaires on the site and fill them out and exchange them with your wife.

If you find stuff while snooping, bring it here so we can help you. Its my belief that a woman doesnt get emotionaly distant like that unless there is a contrast drawing her away.

Again welcome to MB.

MNG

edit: do not CONFRONT HER if you discover something with the keylogger come tell us and we can help you with the next steps.