Ok, I just wanted some help here...but this is TIRING!!! Indiegirl, did you miss where I said it WASN'T Facebook where we reconnected. I even stated that I shut down my FB page months ago. It was a huge time waster. I only looked him up on the professional network after we said 'hi' at church one Sunday.

Unfortunately this is bad advice that paints a broad stroke of assumption. Maybe this would work with your fam and church members. But if you knew my family and our church members, you'd understand that this is NOT a good idea. Accountability partners have to be trustworthy and have the ability to be discreet with sensitive information. People who have a penchant for placing others' personal failures on a billboard are NOT ones to share your struggles with. If I did as you suggest, I'd be adding to my emotional angst and then having to seek counseling for THAT too.

To whom should it be exposed? I recommend that family, friends, children, clergy, and especially, the lover's spouse be informed.

There are many reasons for these recommendations, but the primary reason is based on my belief that the more people know about what I do in my most private moments, the safer I am to others. Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences one spouse can inflict on the other, and it's far less likely to take place, or continue to take place, when everyone knows about it.

OM called today. I did not answer. Also taking some other steps.

OM called today. I did not answer. Also taking some other steps.

OM called today. I did not answer.

Have you told your husband about your affairs? That is what really matters.

You need to change your number. The addiction for you is still very high.

I see no point in divulging all the details to DH:

I don't know if anyone will understand this, but here's part of why I see no point in divulging all the details to DH: I want and need for him to love me because he desires in his heart to do so and because he knows it's what God expects of him as a husband. I do NOT wish to see him get on a track of doing and being what he should be in marriage out of fear that I will get involved with another man - be it emotionally or physically. I know that's what would result from me telling him ALL the details. And that just sounds too much like emotional blackmail. Just like my motives for changing my ways and loving my DH exclusively have to be pure, so do his motives for meeting my needs and loving me.

Telling him everything amounts to nothing more than offloading my guilt onto him, and that's not his bag to carry. So many have made it clear that my boundaries are the bigger issue, and I agree. DH can't fix that, again, that's my bag to carry, and I don't want to give him a need to start acting - and reacting - out of fear. Full disclosure is not going to absolve my guilt or solve the problems of ENs or boundaries.

Should an affair be revealed?

I have been letting you in on some clues to infidelity when a spouse is unwilling to be truthful. But there are a few, of course, who are honest enough to tell their spouses about an affair without being confronted. Guilt sometimes sets in right after the first sexual encounter, and it continues to build as one lie is added to another. Depression follows guilt and it's not unusual for a wayward spouse to even consider suicide as a way to escape the nightmare he or she has created. As an act of desperation, honesty is sometimes seized as a last resort, often in an effort to relieve the feelings of guilt.

From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.

Full disclosure is not going to absolve my guilt or solve the problems of ENs or boundaries.

I wish...but not altogether practical. I use my cell as my business number occasionally. I'm blocking his number, and that also blocks me from calling or texting him. If that isn't effective, I would then take steps to change my number.

I don't know if anyone will understand this

but here's part of why I see no point in divulging all the details to DH: I want and need for him to love me because he desires in his heart to do so and because he knows it's what God expects of him as a husband.

I do NOT wish to see him get on a track of doing and being what he should be in marriage out of fear that I will get involved with another man - be it emotionally or physically.

I know that's what would result from me telling him ALL the details.

And that just sounds too much like emotional blackmail.

Just like my motives for changing my ways and loving my DH exclusively have to be pure, so do his motives for meeting my needs and loving me.

Telling him everything amounts to nothing more than offloading my guilt onto him, and that's not his bag to carry.

So many have made it clear that my boundaries are the bigger issue, and I agree. DH can't fix that, again, that's my bag to carry, and I don't want to give him a need to start acting - and reacting - out of fear.

Full disclosure is not going to absolve my guilt or solve the problems of ENs or boundaries.

I don't know if anyone will understand this, but here's part of why I see no point in divulging all the details to DH: I want and need for him to love me because he desires in his heart to do so and because he knows it's what God expects of him as a husband. I do NOT wish to see him get on a track of doing and being what he should be in marriage out of fear that I will get involved with another man - be it emotionally or physically. I know that's what would result from me telling him ALL the details. And that just sounds too much like emotional blackmail. Just like my motives for changing my ways and loving my DH exclusively have to be pure, so do his motives for meeting my needs and loving me.

Telling him everything amounts to nothing more than offloading my guilt onto him, and that's not his bag to carry. So many have made it clear that my boundaries are the bigger issue, and I agree. DH can't fix that, again, that's my bag to carry, and I don't want to give him a need to start acting - and reacting - out of fear. Full disclosure is not going to absolve my guilt or solve the problems of ENs or boundaries.

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