That's what you should have been thinking about before you had the affair. You're going to have a hard time convincing us that your family is all of a sudden the concern, here. You are dodging accountability, friend. A better question is: Do YOU want to be the one to tell him, or would you like for him to hear it from someone else?

You need to remember that your affair involved two people; you and OM. Now, he will probably not say anything to your husband because he's protecting his own [censored], but that doesn't mean your secret is safe. You knew about OM's other OW, right? What makes you think no one knows about you and OM?

Truth has a way of coming out. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but one day, when you least expect it, you're going to walk through the door and your husband is going to be standing there, staring at you in shock, after a world-shattering phone call from someone who thought he should know about you and OM.

Is that how you prefer to leave things? To chance?

I am also unimpressed by your depiction of OM as a sexual predator. That just doesn't fly, and it doesn't create any sympathy for you. You were not a victim of some hulking man hiding in the shadows, waiting to pounce. You gladly opened your heart and legs to him. Nope, he doesn't sound like a predator to me. It just sounds like he's an alley cat who likes a little strange, and you said "Sure, why not?" You are not a victim, madam.

By the way, is this OM married?

The truth will come out. One of these woman will have the character to do the right thing and redeem themselves. That requires that ALL of the OM's victims be exposed.




I hope you will have the decency NOT to trickle truth or try to gaslight your BH.



The lies hurt the most.

Liar's usually say these things.

I guess you think it's OK for your children to lie to avoid responsibility as well.

Please read An open letter to all OW/OM
A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives

Thank you very much, Pepperband, MelodyLane, GloveOil, Wulffpack Girl, IveHadEnough, Alis, Brainhurts, and everyone else who responded to my posts.
I read the Policy of Radical Honesty and have been thinking about it. It is very compelling and makes a lot of sense, but I have some doubts too. I can see that if we are going to attempt it, we would need to take baby steps and get a support network in place first. So I am thinking about these things, but I also have some questions about Radical Honesty as the Marriage Builders practice it.
1.) What about fantasizing and pornography? Are we to be honest about these? Frankly, I'm not sure if I want to know if my husband fantasizes about younger, prettier women, or if he watches porn when I am not around.
2.) Also, he stopped having sex with me, not the other way around. I fear that he may have had an affair, and I know that I am too fragile to hear about it. I don't want to know! What about honesty in this case?
3.) Also, I have trouble even being honest with myself, because I change my mind a lot. I say things I don't mean, even though I think I am being honest at the time. I get enthusiastic about things and promise more than I can deliver, or conversely, if I'm having a bad time, I will focus on the negative and say harsh things that aren't fair. How can I be honest about what I want if I don't even know what I want? (Does anyone else here recognize this problem? How do you cope?)
4.) Pepperband pointed out that I am a "conflict avoider" and he/she hit the nail on the head. Reading about the Givers and Takers inside all of us made a lot of sense. I have been a Giver for sure! (That's how I got into the affair. I almost never say, "No!" Especially not if a person says, "I love you; Please, give me this.") But, my husband is also a Giver and a Conflict Avoider. What if he doesn't want to know, either? He is a very smart man, a college professor, and he is really perceptive about people. Maybe he even knew at some level, that something was going on, but didn't want his suspicions to be given form, or brought up to a conscious level where he would have to do something about it.
For example, the person I had the affair with borrowed my computer and uploaded homemade porn of himself onto my computer. I forgot it was on there and my husband found it about a year later. He said, "I went to use (quicktime or whatever) and some pretty graphic stuff came up. What is it?"
My shocked reaction was totally honest, because I forgot it was there. "I have no idea," I said. "I haven't been watching any porn on my computer. What was it?"
He said it was close-ups of a man pleasuring himself. I said that maybe our college age daughter had been looking at it.
Then a few hours or perhaps a day later, I remembered what (who) it was. I started to tell my husband what it was, because he knew that this man was pursuing me, (I just never told him that I gave in.)but he waved me off.
"I don't want to know," he said.
5.) I hate to be sexist, but I know a lot of marriages where the wife forgave infidelity and the marriage continued, but I only know of one in which the husband forgave it, and that marriage is an unhappy mess of distrust, depression, and heavy drinking on his part. Are there any husbands on here who are happily married after their wives confessed affairs? How did you stay married?

The FIRST step is to tell your husband the truth. Your support network is in place now. You have this board, which is a wealth of resources. We can help you and your husband through this. "Baby steps" is usually an excuse to not act and is not a rational course of action. So no, "baby steps" are not going to help you. TAking the first step by telling your husband the truth is warranted.


Yes, there are husbands who forgave their wives and are in happy marriages today because they used this program. Others chose to divorce their wives. That is your husband's decision to make on his own. He may choose to divorce you.

And of course you need to know if your husband uses porn. Because if he is, he should stop it.

He would need to be honest with you about any affairs too. Of course you are not "too fragile" to hear it. That is ridiculous.

OK.
I see no way in which I can be helpful to you.
I'm done. Dishonesty does not work with me.
Best of luck to you.

<---- Count 1.

This program is how we remain married.

there's no rule that says you have to say what's on your mind right when you think of it! don't let what's in your head fall out your mouth.

when i was younger, i was pretty impulsive - i always wanted an answer RIGHT NOW! however, as i've aged, i've matured, and can wait, reflect, and really think about what i want/need and how to communicate it.

you should never say *anything* when you are emotional about it. impulsiveness never helped anyone cope in a relationship. it is always better to say nothing until you are sure you are communicating what you actually want/mean.

"let me think about that" helps me out a lot. or, "darling, i've heard you say you think ---- [repeating helps clarify]; let me think about that for a bit and i'll get back to you." later, i can say, "i'm ready to discuss ----. what time works for you?" then you can have a rational, honest discussion without lovebusting behaviours.

Why not?

Oh, stop it. Now you're suddenly a hothouse flower and can't handle the truth? Do you have some mental or emotional disability that prohibits you from being exposed to reality? That's just silly. This is lazy thinking and is easy to eradicate: when you find yourself trying to manipulate your own mind, tell yourself to KNOCK IT OFF. And what do you say to yourself when you find yourself starting to avoid conflict: KNOCK IT OFF. Repeat as necessary. Being a Conflict Avoider is a decision, not a disease. How does this apply to YOUR SITUATION? Answer, please.

He's not married anymore.

Have you decided to be honest with your husband?

Let me re-phrase my question: Was OM married when the two of you were having your affair?

Man, this is a tough room.

I don't want to hear if my husband is interested in other people because it would hurt.

Am I a hot-house flower? Oh, for sure. I am. But should I be? Can I help it? Can I change my nature? Can I stop being a conflict avoider if that is my natural tendency? Maybe.

Seems like everyone here is telling me to toughen up and open up. Those are hard to do! I have been living in a fantasy, but it's a fantasy that keeps me safe. It's hard to be brave if you're not.

My friend who confessed and has the unhappy husband has bearing on my situation because I don't want that. My husband seems pretty happy now, by comparison with that guy.

Goodness, I wish I had never written that I had that affair. I didn't want it. I didn't go looking for it. I tried to stop it even as it was happening, but I didn't try hard enough. I didn't enjoy it. I ended it. It was years ago.

I just want to move on.

What if I try to tell my husband, and he holds up his hand and says, "I don't need to know, let's just go on from here."? (And frankly, I have many good indications that this is exactly what he would say.)

Well, goodness, I didn't come on here to argue with people, but to ask for advice. I wanted to know if my husband was too indifferent or had fallen out of love, and if I should stop trying to think like a team, and start planning how to live without him, as a single person.
I feel like I painted a picture and asked for everyone's opinion on it, and everyone chose instead to focus on a dead fly that got stuck in the paint by accident.

Then @#$%^ affair was a stupid error on my part, but it's over and I have no emotional attachment to it. It's in the past. I will never never do such a thing again, because now I am wiser!
I have agonized over it, and even done self-imposed penance. Telling my husband would only hurt him and the family.

Anyway,

I will think about all that I have heard here and keep investigating. Thanks a lot to everyone for all the responses, even the toughest ones. It was generous of you to consider my problems and offer your perspectives. I appreciate all the readings and links I have been directed to.

It will probably take a while to unravel this mess, but we might attempt it someday, after the kids are launched.

Thanks, everybody!

Yes, he was married at the time.

If your affair won't matter to him, as you say, then what is the harm in telling him?

In the time you took to write this long winded post, you could have told your husband the truth.

And we did give you the best possible advice. The first step to transforming your marriage is to tell your husband the truth. A marriage can't recover when there are secrets and lies. Anything else you do is a waste of time until you get honest.

In that case, his wife has a right to know you shagged her husband. Have you been checked for cooties?

I tell him the truth, but not the whole truth. I tell him the good parts.

If your bookkeeper stole your money would you accept this excuse from a friend who knew you were being robbed? "Oh, I didn't tell you your bookkeeper was stealing money from you because I didn't want to hurt you!"

Now, wouldn't that be silly? You don't care about hurting your husband or you wouldn't have had an affair. You only care about covering your own hide.

Lying and adultery is what will hurt your spouse. The truth is therapeutic.