In the above article by Dr. Harley, he describes his attempt to understand why marriages were failing and his discovery in 1975 that restoring love was the key ingredient to saving marriages. I wonder about the quality of marriages before 1960 vs. after 1980. Were people in marriages before 1960 more in love (i.e. restoring love was not as much of a problem back then)? Or were they just as "out-of-love" as people in marriages after 1980 but more likely to stay married for some some reason, even if unhappy.
KL,
I have the priviledge of working daily with folks who are in their 60's and up. In their own environment - their homes. I run into many many couples who have been married for 50 years and up. Some of them (not all) just eminate the "in love" feeling that is unmistakable. Many of these tell me about meeting in high school (never dated anyone else), but not all are like that.
I've surmised a few things from these conversations; I always ask about how people met as it's often an ice-breaker. Times were different in the 30's and 40's and 50's.
Social Activities: Many many of these couples loved to dance. They danced at dance halls. They didn't get smashed at a club and "hook up" like people do nowadays. They had respect for each other. I also think there was much more of a community back then. Because of this, there was also a tendency to protect "your own", IE there were serious physical consequences (at the hands of a brother or friend) for mistreating a girl. There was a general sense of heirarchy and this started at the dating stage- I have to imagine it was ingrained and carried over into marriage.
Media: was not promoting cheating. Everywhere you turn these days there is advocation for blatant adultery. There are no boundaries on t.v.; in the 50's and even 60's this was not the case in my understanding. It's "Leave it to Beaver" vs. "Three's Company" which came out in the 70's. Even beer commercials in their own subtle way promote infidelity (and definitely lack of boundaries) in my view.
I think the rise in adultery, first by men (in conjunction with women being more self-sufficient and being able to say "screw you, I'm outta here"), and then by women (I've had professionals tell me a big jump in the last couple of decades) has had it's affect. Let's face it: infidelity is very good at putting the finishing touches on a weak relationship. And people these days have weak relationships, there are so many pressures and distractions, we hardly focus on each other anymore. We don't have good mentoring as this issue has surfaced in the 70's and taken root in our generation.
Divorce Lawyers: who make it sound easy and unfortunatly even unscrupulous lawyers have to eat.
Stigma of Divorce: which was real, to my understanding. It just wasn't something this generation did. They made committments and stuck with them. period. It's the Greatest Generation - they are the ones who built the country through Depression, WWI and WWII; they saw hardship this generation can only read about. Work was not a stranger and they didn't shy away from a challenge. So when marital problems surfaced, they wouldn't dream of just bailing. And remember with families closer they could get the support they needed.
It IS a double edged sword though -- I meet some women who talk about having stayed in miserable relationships with abusive drunks. I witness couples who are constantly at each other and appear to have been that way for many years; not happy about it either, it's sad sometimes.
There definitely is something special about a couple who have been each other's only mate for 60some years and are as in love as the day they met. You just know they had some hard times, but they don't really focus on that. You see a mutual respect and adoration that seems to have remained constant even through tough circumstances. They seemed to get the big picture: life is too short to not stick it out and get back to the good times. This generations seems to miss the point: life is too short to be unhappy, even for 5 minutes.
opt
