I just listened to the radio clip. I'm going to have my husband listen it also. Thanks for sharing the link with me. It was helpful.

I am so confused with what I need to do.Brief story: My husband cheated on me twice for a total of 10 years. The affair has been fully exposed to my family, my H family and friends, and OW family and friends.

We have read tons of books about recovering from an affair Marriage counselling, and talked with our priest. xWH has done everything I have asked. Even though he has done everything, I still don't feel like I will ever trust him. He even wrote me a 3 page apology letter, and is wanting to move us out of our current city. I am up for the move, and think it will help reduce my insecurities. I have prayed for God to help me with this major decision in my life.

My xWH believes that God is speaking to him by things that have been recently happening. Examples are that out of the blue he got fired at work (which was one of my requirements due to the fact that the OW lives a block away from his job), I got an email out about a marriage seminar that was to take place in our current hometown( A Marriage Worth Fighting For- Kirk Cameron). I also got an email from someone named Florence (It said that she was my guardian angel sent to tell me that no matter how much we hurt, God can take the pain away (my H's mom was named Florence who passed away in 1994).

I know that I love my husband, but I am just so tired of feeling like he will do this yet again. He has sworn to God that he would never ever hurt me like this ever again. I know he means that, because he never would say that before this. My husband wants us in recovery so desperately, that he has even gotten to the point that he tells me constantly that he loves me, he gives me love letters and cards, and tons of little sweet gestures.

I teach 7th grade, and know that whatever way I go, I will survive. Just not sure which way to go. Does it ever get any better?

Hi Dragonfly6,

Good to see you back. Did your H ever complete the polygraph? What things has he done to be transparent in his activities? Is the possibility of a "secret second life" eliminated?

And to answer your question, yes, it does get better - with care and time and a plan. MB offers the best plan for recovering a marriage.

AM

That is my next task. He agreed and so now I am working on my questions to ask. He has gone completely transparent: cell phone access, he calls me each time he goes somewhere without me. I told him that he must call when he gets there and right before he leaves. The only place he goes alone would be his dad's house, but he dutifully calls me each time. Being that he is looking for a new job, we are together 24/7; which I think is part of the problem. My brain knows that the affair is really over, but it's my heart that is scared of getting hurt again.

Read my post I posted on my situation. I see you in me. Don't go down that same road

Frenchie, please stay on your own thread for right now. You are in no position to be giving advice right now. Let us help you first.

Dragonfly6,

My H and I moved about 1200 miles away. Dr. Harley often recommends that a couple move to limit the possibility of "bumping into" the affair partner. In your case, because it was a very long term affair, I think it is even more important to move far away from OW.

Do you and your husband spend at least 15-20 hours a week in undivided attention? These hours should be devoted to meeting each other's critical emotional needs - conversation, recreation, sexual fulfillment and affection. From what you described above, it appears as though your husband is attempting to be affectionate. Do you like what he is doing? If not, then tell him what you would like.

AM

Here you go.
Polygraph Test

We spend more than 15- 20 hours a week, more now since he isn't working. As for the sexual fulfillment I am so not ready for that. As for your question: Do you like what he is doing? I do some times, and then other times, I get these ugly thoughts about what he has done to us and our family. I have told him what I need and he does them every time. I just wished I could get those horrible thoughts out of my head.

Why do you think this is part of the problem?

What day will he be doing the poly?

Tell us what you do to spend more than 15 - 20 hours a week together in UA time.

Remember, UA time only includes time spent together, concentrating on each other and meeting each others' ENs. Not watching TV, reading books alone, computer time in the same room, etc. You've already eliminated SF, so there is no time spent doing that. What EN's are you meeting, and how are you spending more than 20 hours a week in UA time?

Maritalbliss: I am feeling pressured to act like I want to repair our marriage, when in actuality I am not sure if I even want to. The polygraph is on June 18th.

We spend time talking about how we want our new marriage to be and what each of us needs to do make sure that it will work. We also do things that I liked to do (antiquing, and looking at books) and things he likes to do (fishing, gardening, walking and exercising). We have even begun to give each other relaxing massages. During our exercise time, we have started doing Pilates, which is something that I have always tried to get him to do.We also read a couples devotional reading every day which also includes passages from the Bible.

Please tell us how you exposed to OW's family, and their reaction.

I had to do some online snooping to find the OW's parents'names and phone number. When I did, I called them briefly and found they already knew. She had basically chosen my husband over her family. As for her friends, I sent them a letter via Facebook. I never got any response from that action. The only place I haven't exposed was her work. We are both teachers for the same school district and was worried that it might backfire and hurt me.

Why would you get into trouble for exposing the truth at the school? Does your WH work with her or just you? If they don't work together then you don't have to do a workplace exposure.

What snooping do you have in place? Do you have a GPS and VAR on his vehicle?


Are these activities he enjoys also?
Look into this. Recreational Enjoyment Inventory

Well done on contacting her parents.

I'm not sure about exposing to the school district at all. I cannot see that what she has done would be seen as a breach of professional conduct, unless your H was a colleague or the parent of a pupil. Others with more knowledge will weigh in here.

My story is something like yours. I first discovered my H's affair in 2003 when it was only about 6 weeks old. His job involved travel to Belgium (from our home in London) about twice per month, staying a night or two each time. He struck up a flirtation which became a PA, with a client of his company. Not knowing anything about MB and clearly lacking in basic common sense, I did not require him to leave that job as a condition of recovery. Two years later to the day, I discovered that he had simply buried the affair a bit deeper and carried it on. This was easy to do because everything took place abroad. At some point during that two years, she also got a job that required travel in Europe and so he would make an excuse to me that he was attending another meeting, and fly off to Switzerland or Portugal or France or Slovakia...actually taking leave from work and spending whole nights with her. Actually, he even once did this in London, telling me he was going to Belgium and in fact booking in to a hotel in the West End, where she was attending a conference. Ugh...

Anyway, after that two-year discovery (still without MB) he took his time about finding another job, all the while lying to me about seeing OW and STILL having sex with her every time he went to Belgium. Another 15 months passed like that, with several more D Days in which I would discover yet more contact and lies. It took my saying I was leaving the house with the kids for him to resign his job next day and find another one in the organisation.

I found MB and exposed to her H (now nearly 4 years in) and temporarily stopped their contact, but they simply resumed it after a while, at work - never via my home. My H did not have a mobile phone (still does not) and we had no PC, so there was nothing for me to monitor at home.

The contact after exposure consisted of her phoning him at roughly 6-monthly intervals, "just to say "hi"" - and of course, to check on the status of our marriage, to keep the affair fresh in his thoughts, and to see whether our younger child had grown up enough for my H to feel he could now leave him.

I finally trapped them doing this just as my H was about to retire last year and sent her an email from the home PC, so that they could keep in contact. I monitor closely now and do not think that there is any contact - but it took my H's retirement from work altogether, and his being at home where I do most of my work, for contact to become so difficult that it probably isn't worth it for him.

I'm not painting a very romantic picture here, but my H never wanted to leave me and the kids, and it was his fervent pleading that convinced me to give things another try, each time. We'll see what happens in the future. There is no such thing, as far as I am concerned, as their being unable to contact each other, so I remain watchful.

The point of my long story is to suggest to you that your H's similarly long, cake-eating affair will not end unless it is made too difficult for it to continue. Men like my H and yours regret hurting their wives and desperately do not want to lose their kids, and neither do they want to choose some skanky, dirty woman who lacks self-respect and who, like a cockroach, will accept the droppings from underneath the table of some other woman's marriage, who allows married men to treat body her like a toilet, over their loving wives, but if sex is offered to them on a plate they will take it. There is no right or wrong in their world when it comes to free sex; just "worth it" and "not worth it".

So, you have to make it not worth it if you want to give your marriage and your feelings a chance.

You cannot recover if there is any chance that they could be in contact. You mention being good at snooping, but what about their meeting in person? From the sound of it, she doesn't live too far from you. At least the whore in my case lives across the English Channel. That is somewhat of a barrier to quick meetings.

You need to move, urgently, and take the chance to start afresh.

I have put GPS in his car, and haven't found any evidence that he is still cheating. We make sure that each day we do things that both of us enjoy.

I just don't feel like I love him the way I used to. I have told him that I no longer feel married, and if we are going to make this work, we need to make a fresh start at creating a new healthier marriage. It will be 2 years in October that my world came crashing down on me. I just wished I could look at him and know without a doubt that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Just not sure anymore. I know that makes me sound a little dumb.

Dragonfly,


If you are anything like I was early on in recovery, one of the biggest problems you face in seeing recovery as a possibility is that many of your notions of love, trust, and marriage have been shattered by your husband's infidelity.

For instance; you are doing a FANTASTIC job of accountability with the GPS and polygraph. These things seem so weird at first... but consider something; what if it had always been provided to you? It seems like a stretch compared to our lives before infidelity, doesn't it? But providing full transparency in our day-to-day lives is something important because our decisions impact our spouses.


Then there is forgiveness... what a tough nut to crack. Would it sound weird to you if I told you (for now) to just forget about forgiving him? We can try to decide to forgive someone, but it is often an empty promise. Instead, if we allow forgiveness to develop through just compensation, it will be genuine. I personally guarantee it.


As far as being in love with him... that will come with time with just compensation, and by following the rules of protection, care, time, and honesty as outlined here;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html