I am not afraid of it and I am thinking a lot more clearly today...sorry for yesterday...My wife is a very private person to the point that she does not really associate with colleagues in her field very often at all. The key people in both our lives know what she is doing. Her best friend, mother, Aunt and Uncle (small family) all know whats going on. I have not ruled out letting her colleagues know I just am not sure it will create any more of a spark. At this point I need to figure out if I have a place for her in my life.....I had gone through all of these emotions before with her back in September and almost lost my job, starting drinking too much etc. I became OK with everything and started thriving on my own ...better person....better father...better co worker...I brought god into my life and really started doing great things around my house...lots of home improvements...She chased me in April.... She initialized all this...I was fine..and now she has run back to him...So is this a vicious circle that needs to be broken?

bruinsb. I am sorry that you are going through this. Your WW is a cake eater...they all are.

Expose to their work colleagues...that is where the affair is taking place.

Yes WW will be mad. Don't engage in anger. Read the Exposure 101 link and expose properly. The link is posted on your thread in several places.

The way you are talking about it, endlessly: stop doing that. You are causing your own emotions by your actions. Don't talk about it, don't dwell on it.

I have six children and I constantly have to tell them "You can do something even if you are afraid, even if you don't want to." It's as simple as that. For example, one of my children will sometimes spontaneously decide he doesn't want to put his head under the running water from the shower to wash his hair. I'll hear all sorts of whining "I'm scared!!!!!" And I'll say "Okay, you are scared, but that's not stopping you from washing your hair. Do it anyway, even though you are scared."

There's no "how" do you control the emotions. Take a deep breath and focus on DOING what you need to do, and quit using your feelings as an excuse not to. When you start posting about what you are DOING instead of what you are FEELING, you will find that it turns out you will FEEL a lot better.

And when the hell was it mandated that you act so...properly...in this fight? In your situation, here's how my exposure would have played out. I would march into POSOM's office, and announce loudly that I wanted to speak to the good doctor. When receptionist asks if I have an appointment, I'd explain that I don't think I'd need an appointment to tell him to stop [censored] my wife. (This would, of course, best be done loudly, with a lot of people around.) Then I'd leave.....and come back and repeat the process the next day, and the next.....

At worst, he'd file a restraining order, at which point there would be a hearing as to its necessity, and the whole story gets on the public record.

But that's just NG......

you are right...I was doing great a few months ago and will again. I am scared but I will be OK...I am a good person and have done a great job working with her for our family....making the changes necessary for our marriage to succeed. This is on her now and in time I will resume the fight...let her see what life is like without me again...god bless you all

Do you know what date you were on the show and/or name so we can listen?

It was back in september under the name Brett

(1 segments) September 21, 2011

Thanks and here it is so we can listen.
bruinsb's Radio Clip

Well,
She moved out yesterday. Says she does not love me the way a wife should. I am pretty hurt and just sick. Isn't love a choice? Dont you choose to love and stay committed to someone because its the right thing to do? She says she loves me and always will ...so why cant she work on the marriage for our poor children and for us? Surely it would get better after some months of counseling and dedication. Why am I so willing to try and she is just giving up and running away? I need some help here folks...really confused and down.

If she were leaving you to more readily acquire and use heroin in some skeezy dive, would you be so confused? She is operating on the same type of addiction, BB. Her POSOM is her "fix".

Recent history here would say that now that she's gone, she's GONE! You should be lawyered up, and working on formalizing child custody and support arrangements to protect them.

(Have you considered ruining POSOM's life as I suggested? Or are you still committed to playing "nice"?)

I thought the way this site reads that more than likely she will try to come back again? That this relationship built on lies and dishonesty wont work? You are saying forget it and move on? I have a lawyer and plans are made for everything....is it truly over? How do you know when it is done and when Dr. Hartley's teachings dont apply to you?

Dude, nothing is over until the gavel comes down. Your efforts to convince her of the destructiveness of her illicit path to your children and her, herself, are not contraindicated by the reality of the awful situation you are in. But NOT protecting your children's well-being while she is actively engaged in her own destructive path is irresponsible.

You have to create the seemingly impossible dual-persona of a loving supportive husband in your personal interactions with her, while at the same time being the stern and demanding SOB in legal issues.

THERE - I answered your question, which is a far cry from the consideration you have not shown MY query. What have you done to bring the hammers-of-hell down on POSOM? You want to cause her to come back? Drive her drug-of-choice into the gutter he rose from!!!

OK, some guy talk here. Ladies, do not read any further please.

Bruin, look in the mirror, reach down, and grab your manhood and proclaim, "I am a man and I will not let some worm take what is mine."

Take that that mentality and go visit this "Dr." and let him know that he'll need to stop doing your wife or else the next visit will be less 'cordial'.

Then, you speak to that wife and tell her she is yours and you will do whatever it takes to make her happy and that she belongs with you in your home. That she is to find another place to work and commit to ending any contact with this guy.

You are hemming and hawwing here and its driving all of us nuts. Youre fighting and resisting the advice for fear of upsetting your wife. She leaving you dude and you are putting her suitcases in and warming up her car. She's going to place where some a-hole is having his way with her and you know about it? How about a surprise visit there today?

The only person proclaiming that this over is you and then in the same breath proclaim your love for her.

Do us a favor and tell us what you want. Then you can make a plan because you are a bunch of pages into this and you about as flakey as anyone Ive ever seen. And, believe me I was a world-class flake for a long time when I found out what my wife was doing so I know all about it. You need to focus and maintain level-headedness. Right now, your wife is seeing someone not very desirable in you vs. her honey-bunch at work who is able to be all things you are not.

bruin. Where are the kids and where did WW move to?

I think the problem here is that the "Whole Story" needs to be unveiled ...let me start

June 2011

I am in Singapore for my Job. Boston is in the Stanley Cup finals and I am a huge fan. My wife is texting me during game 7 that the B's had won the cup. It was like 10:00 am there. I laid on the bed in my hotel room and for no apparent reason cried my eyes out for 3 hours. I realized that the only person I wanted to share this event with was 10,000 miles away ...and she probably did not want to share it with me. You see I had become a very angry person at home....We fell in love in Oct of 2004 and were pregnant by December with our first child. We both had to grow up very fast and somehow forgot each other on the way...We fought all the time and just were really ugly to each other....She would go do things with the kids and I would stay home and sulk....In singapore I realized that I was not a good person and had really failed in a lot of roles as a Parent and Husband...even Friend. I had a come to Jesus moment and was visited that night but something I can only guess was the holy spirit...I came back to our home a completely different person....I was my "old self" again. No anger, just love...a better person, father and husband. By then the damage had been done and 3 months into my new greater perspective on life My wife sits down with me on our bed and explains she has been having an affair for the last 3 months. The guilt was killing her and she explained she thought our marriage was over....I was furious but calmed down within an hour or so and explained forgiveness to her and that we needed to rebuild for our family and each other....about a week of confusion went by....lots of crying and emotional outpourings....finally I asked her to leave the house....I just could not take it anymore.She went to live with her mother ...10 houses down from us. I contacted an attorney and we started working on a mutual agreement for our divorce proceedings...I was travelling a lot for my job and was actually in Korea riding an Aircraft Carrier to Singapore right after she moved out the first time...I was having panic attacks on ship and losing weight....getting emails from her like nothing had changed ...about the kids, dogs ...etc.it was driving me crazy...got to Singapore after an 18 day sea cruise and was drunk for 3 days....got home and tried to pick up the pieces. I was still getting odd emails from her and living the roller coaster that is separation...December she breaks down and says she misses me like crazy an does not know what to do...The OM had become her best friend and she was very much in love with him, but something was obviously missing....we tried for a week or so talking and trying to figure things out , but she went right back to him. January comes and my job sends me to Alabama for 27 days...my drinking had become a concern...drank a "handle" and a fifth of Jack Daniels the week of Christmas. In Alabama I really got connected to god and stopped drinking. I came back and really started putting the pieces back together....home improvement projects, playing with my kids and not being angry with my wife even though she was still in this destructive behavior...April comes and we start talking a lot...she says she wants to really try and that she feels she most for her own salvation...she begins to question whether the devil is behind her attraction and love for the OM...Easter Sunday she moves back in...and things are going ok...we know we have to see a counselor and want a Christian Counselor to help us sort things out...well weeks go by and I start to realize this is a lot harder than I thought it would be....the wondering and second guessing...could I really trust her again? Well about 3 weeks ago I got really sick...hospitalized for 6 days...diverticulitus...avoided surgery barely. During that time she realized that she did not miss me the way she felt se should....and started talking to the OM who she missed terribly. I got home from the hospital a shell of my former self...lost 22 pounds, really weak and on a lot of medication. I found emails to him on her phone and questioned her on it ....She said she loves me but not like she should and that she really respected me for all of the life changes I had made. She said she just did not think she could be happy with me and feared her life with me would never get better....All of our family and friends knew what was going on and were really pulling for us during this time of reconciliation...I asked her to leave again Wednesday night and so now I really dont know what to do. I understand and really appreciate all the advice given but just dont know if I can keep going through this roller coaster...I still think it can work and that 6 weeks is a joke to try reconciling but none the less here I sit. In this case exposure really is not going to accomplish anything...He loves her...as painful as that is to say I know he really does....and she loves him....there is a mental connection there between the two of them ...a compatibility so to speak...he is not an attractive guy at all and just looks like a mess and my wife is a very petite attractive woman. I think I need to just let go and put it in Gods hands...In no way do I want to stop fighting for my family but there comes a time when you just cant fight crazy anymore and all of this is crazy. So please dont think I am not listening to all of your wonderful advice...you are all helping me through this a tremendous amount and I dont know if I could do it without this forum right now...

Bruin-

I wish you luck. Not sure how you can say we are helping you when you have not done anything except avoid that help. You seem content to be cuckolded by this couple which is 100% opposite to our help.

If you are looking for someone to say that is OK if you just let her go, then you've come to the wrong website. You seem to want that.

bruinsb. OM does NOT love your W. Sleeping with a married woman and breaking up a family with 2 young children is NOT love. It is self entitled and shows complete lack of respect for any family values.


Not only has OM destroyed your children's family...but he has also destroyed his own DS's family. OM was even willing to sign an affidavit admitting to the affair so it would make it easier to continue to destroy his own DW and DS and get custody.

This OM is dangerous and has no business being in the pysch profession where he is free to advise others to go ahead and seek personal happiness even if it means destroying those around you.

I can really appreciate that ...I just dont know if this is able to be saved anymore...or that I can go through it all over again...I guess I am here looking for some sort of sign as to what to do ...keep fighting or give up....I think for sure she needs some time to herself to clear the fog...so dont think I am throwing in the towel yet...she has taken our son out of town for the next 5 days so I have some time to be alone and think. Please dont stop with your comments ...its helping clear the fog I have.

Did you read with Mike said?

Dude, it is time to sack up and fight for what is yours! Are you going to let some POSOM steal what you have built?

Do you want to go down like a chump? Do you want to look back in 2 years and wonder "what if ?".

I fought like an SOB...and let me tell you, my FWW thanks me EVERY DAY from saving her from herself.

They are NOT in love! It is a relationship built on fantasy. Period. The sooner you get that through your head, the better off you will be.

Now, go in the ring and fight man! When the dust settles, she will RESPECT you for doing it.

Go lift some weights, do some push ups and get in the game!

Get off your computer and make this happen.