I don�t know where to begin and what to say. Communication is not my strong point and that has probably helped me make my situation worse. Really, really long, sorry. Maybe too much info.?
Hubby (not sure to call him wayward) and I have been married for 16 long years this month. We have a blended family: I have two DS (18 & 20) from previous marriage, he has a DD (20) from previous and we have a DD (15) together. MIL has lived with us most of our married lives. Hubby is an only child and MIL has always had major health issues.
Hubby was diagnosed with high cholesterol and blood pressure at a very young age and takes several medications to help with this. He does not follow a good diet, but works out 5 times a week.
10/08 � Due to economy, lost major portion of income.
11/08 � Began working two jobs.
12/08 � Hubby offers my mother, her husband and two dogs to move in with us to help them during a short transition period without discussing this with me.
01/09 � Mothers husband shows up.
Find receipt in my car for condoms which we do not use, found unopened box in his gym bag.
Confront H, he says that because we are not meeting each other�s needs, that he has been trying to hook up with someone to help him with his sexual needs, but has been unsuccessful. He is really sorry and wants work on everything. He was very surprised when I asked him �What about my needs?�.
During a conversation, I begin to feel suspicious, and begin looking into things. I can�t say snooping because I did it right in front of him.
He leaves for a few days to help my mom and her H to move across country to our home. He told me that all of the answers where on his computer. I find porn, emails and postings on Craigslist on his laptop. Come to find out there is this huge underground of men to �help� each other out when their wives are not meeting their needs.
When confronting H he finally confirms the following: He couldn�t seem to hook up with a woman for free and men would hook up to help. He actually met one man in a car but could become aroused by him. He even went to a hotel to meet up with several men but said he became scared. When having these conversations, it comes out that he has lied to me about his past sexual experiences. So at this point I am worried that my H has become gay. He says that he hasn�t and I believed him.
I felt at the time that we both played a role in the demise of our marriage and thought that I could work past this. He did not want to go to counseling, too embarrassed. 02/09 � 08/09 We began reading HNHN together. We did not finish. He was only half heartedly trying to work on things and I was working two jobs. Life is not great but not bad.
08/09 � On a camping trip, DS 20, and DD 15, get lost in forest area for 45 minutes. Scared me to death, H verbally destroys DS 20. At this point I said that either we D or go to counseling. He agreed to counseling. DS 20 is completely destroyed and get him into counseling too.
Counseling together was a joke. We only discuss situation with DS 20 and H doesn�t believe that he has done anything wrong. We didn�t tell the Counselor about our farce of a marriage.
11/09 � I Develop a rash is a very private area and become very scared that I have contacted something. I have a complete nervous breakdown at the Doctors office. He puts me on Xanax and I go straight to my family counselor and tell him everything. We finally begin moving forward in our marriage and start going back to church together. DS 20 wants nothing to do with H.
06/11 � DD 15, has developed food allergies and it is progressively taking over our lives with Dr. visits and shots
12/11 � End up in hospital with Gall Bladder Disease.
03/12 � Have Gall Bladder removed.
04/12 � DD 15 health has gone downhill and taking her back and forth to Dr to try and get some type of diagnosis.
05/12 � Find unusual picture of H attached to blank email on computer. I confront him; he finally admits that he is no longer sexually attracted to me. He has been trolling (?) on Craigslist to get women to send him pictures of them so he can arouse himself enough to have sex with me. He tells me that I am the best thing in his life but he can�t seem to have sex with me and because I refuse to watch porn with him, he has resorted to this. He has had plenty of problems in this area. I think it is due to the cholesterol and blood pressure. I never in a million years would have thought his ED would have had anything to do with me. He told me that he wants me to be his �trophy� wife, where everyone would look at me when we are together. That I wear clothes that cover too much and should be tighter (I have lost 20+ since surgery). I told H that he needed to get into counseling with our Pastor, which he has. He has not missed a meeting and our Pastor is holding him accountable for everything. We went to the Dr. to talk about the ED and change his meds to see if it would help him. I haven�t counseled yet with our Pastor. I have talked to him on the phone to fill him in on the history so that H wouldn�t grey anything over.
I didn�t even know what do. I am so disappointed. I couldn�t really address the situation as I had a ton of family coming into town and I didn�t want DS 18 graduation to be ruined and connected to this at all. I have a very sick DD 15 who doesn�t deserve to deal with this.
Now, everyone has gone home and yesterday was the last day of school for all. I am at a loss. So now I have too much free time to think about this and I found this website. My head knows that I will work this out, but my heart is sad and hurt. And I am angry and trying to continue to keep the peace when I have so much against me.
I don�t want to make any crazy moves that will upset DD 15 until we can get her healthy again. I have already allowed one child to be destroyed. I have a DS 20 who wants nothing to do with his dad and the tension from this bleeds into everything else, DS 18 is made at DS 20 bc he doesn�t show enough respect, DD 20 never comes home, DD 15 is siding with DS 20. And no one knows anything that happened during these major events but the immediate people involved. Where to go and what to do now?

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Is your WH still looking at porn and trolling?

What snooping do you have in place?

Did you get a full STD checkup?

Hi Ohnoagain, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. Most marriages do not recover from affairs. Instead they limp along in a crippled state of the pre-afffair marriage, more vulnerable than before. But you don't have to be like that if you follow this program.

The first thing that should happen is that your marriage is affair proofed so this doesn't happen again. That means that your husband either stays off the computer when you are not home and/or you secretly place a keylogger on his computer so you can watch every thing he does. I would advise you to put a keylogger on his computer and spyware on his phone regardless.

This will protect you and it will also help restore the trust in your marriage.

I would suggest strongly that you expose his affairs to your entire family. Everyone should know what your husband has been doing. The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable. Mold does not grow well in sunlight, so getting the story out there will help your husband see himself in a realistic, truthful light that will bring him to true remorse.

And before you ever have sex with him again, I would get checked for STDs. He has exposed himself in a very dangerous way that could have exposed you to all manner of diseases.

Once you have taken steps to ensure that your husband CAN'T troll for sex partners again, the next step is to follow the basic concepts of this program to create a romantic marriage. I would get the book Survivng an Affair and follow the program in there. If you do that, you can change your marriage into a happy, romantic marriage.

You will get very little out of counseling as counselors have an 84% failure rate and have no idea how to save marriages after an affair.

You need snooping tools in place and an STD check up. He's a serial cheater by the sounds of it who has become an expert in blaming you.

Most people here are busy and wont read that extremely long post so Im going to edit it for you. The economic stuff and his complaints about you are completely irrelevant to his decision to have an affair.

Your son is a wise man. He shouldnt have anything to do with a toxic influence.

Thats not to say there's no hope. Waywards have been brought back into the light before now.

But you need full exposure. Its the only way.

Is your son not speaking to him because of the (very typical for a wayward) abusive behaviour or does he know about the As? Who knows?

Please read this. Exposure 101

It has radio clips and what Dr. Harley believes about exposure.

Thank you all for your response. WOW. I was really emotional when I wrote this. Thanks Indie for shortening it for me.

** update ** My H was in an accident the day I posted this. It really took the air out of my anger balloon. But not my determination to make this the best marriage possible. He is now home and ok except that he broke his leg and we won't know how bad it is until the swelling goes down. He is at my mercy....evil laugh...I wonder if pain meds can be used as truth serum....if only.......

With this extra time that I have had sitting and waiting at hospitals and Dr offices I have had some time to read up on the website and skim through LB and HNHN. After spending time on the forums, I think that my marriage can definitely be saved and be better than ever.

I will try to answer all the questions.

Yes. I was checked for STD's. I think that is why I had a break down at my Dr's. I actually had to say out loud what happened for the first time. Everything was fine, I had developed some type of environmental allergy and have to take medication for it.

My husband isn't abusive. Maybe manipulative in someways, but I wouldn't say abusive. Our oldest DS 20 has been through a bunch emotionally between Bio-father and H. Ok, as I type this I need to look up abusive. So yes I guess I can say that on occasion he has been verbally abusive to DS 20 and has made the rest of us uncomfortable at times because he doesn't feel that I parent strong enough. (This is true)

During the first situation, I used software to find deleted files, emails, etc. I did find stuff but I did not find anything to indicate that there was any PA. It was the fact that he tried and even though he did not succeed, was very hurtful. We did really well for awhile but because we did not focus on ourselves and all of our EA's. It did not last.

This time he said he responded to the personals on Craigslist and women would send him pictures of them selves.

As we have a new computer, I installed the software again and did not find anything. He has given me all passwords and access. I need to find snooping software or app for his phone (Droid X). I tried to find pictures but he deleted them when he was done with them. (Probably a good thing) I went through his texts and couldn't find texting back and forth. But I will be reviewing our bill for back up.

He says that because I wouldn't allow him to view porn, this was his way around watching porn. He as agreed to answer all of my questions about this...this ???...EA?..porn addiction?.....I don't know what to call it yet....so I am putting together my questions list. We are going to sit down with our Pastor as a mediator. We have exposed to our Pastor, an Elder and a close friend for accountability. I am not 100% sure that this is the right time for exposure as I have a very sick child, DD 15, who cannot handle stress at the moment. Our Pastor has told him that he does have to apologize to the family and he even specifically stated that he has to apologize to DS 20. But we haven't talked enough for me to know what he is apologizing for yet.

During this meeting I will also be giving him my list of requirements. I will post them and my questions before hand for some added insight from those who can help me fine tune it.

Thank you for your support!

You need to find a counsellor who uses MB principles or call the counselling centre here. The program for recovery is very narrow!

Your H isn't remorseful, so he continues to be a danger. He needs to be Plan Ad until he agrees to agrees to EPs and recovery conditions. Then Plan Bd if necessary.

His condition makes Plan A a breeze!

An MB counsellor would explain why porn would be DEVASTATING to romantic love and sexual passion.

A couple will never find each other truly attractive if they are constantly looking for greener grass online and refusing to water their own lawn.

What is his plan? To continue perving on girls his grandaughters age into his 70s? And subjecting you to that?

MB all the way, I'd say.

Dr H has written interesting items on porn and addiction. Btw he categorises behaviour that stubbornly hurts a spouse as addiction.