Some people do plan A, some don't. Some go straight to plan B or plan divorce. That is what I did--straight to divorce. During the worst of my pain, I limited my interactions with XH as best I could. I do see him at drop off and any events there are. I would never miss events in my son's life in order to implement Plan B.

The hardest things for me are not the times I have to see XH....but rather hearing my son talk about the OW. Plan B doesn't fix that. I feel it is my job as his mother to listen to his thoughts/concerns about what has happened---through NO fault of his own---to HIS life. Can you imagine telling your ds you can no longer listen to his prayers because it is too painful for you?

You WILL get better. You will find a way to cope and life will go on. In fact, there will come a time when none of this even comes up into your mind. I promise.

Now that you tell me you do not actually WANT your husband back....I say hang in there sister. You will be ok.

Actually, I do want my husband back...except I want the fantasy package. I want the remorse that several WS have shown on these boards (HerPapaBear, Wulfpackgrl, DoroM...these come to mind, I'm sure there are many others) and the commitment to engage in fulfilling a promising marriage.

The problem is I don't think that will ever happen. It's scary to have hope like that because the disappointment leads to excruciating pain and despair.

Even today, everyday there is a little bit of hope. Because I'm convinced that their affair will not last. But then my mind plays games with me: they may be miserable together but push through because they couldn't admit they were wrong. After all, they've destroyed two families. Or maybe they truly are happy. Time is ticking. Everyday that passes works against me.

I was given some advice early on, I can't sit back and wait for the affair to implode because it would drive me crazy. Some days it does.

So, do I think my H is capable of the fantasy... I want to believe so. But then I also want to believe that he wasn't capable of the contempt and disdain he has shown me in the last year.

As someone else posted here on the boards, why fight if there is no hope. I see no hope in my H. I think what more can I do (except full Plan B - thanks BrainHurts) that might make a difference.

I will tell you a little secret....I still watch for the day my WXHs affair implodes. However, I wouldn't take him back (even if I had not remarried) if he was the last man on earth. Too much damage. Maybe that is not your situation, but it is mine. Even still I am human enough that I WANT him to feel the consequences of what he has done. So waiting for the affair to implode is a different matter than getting on with your life.

I am so happy with my new husband that words cannot describe. Even with the added complications that come with step families I am happier than I ever thought possible. I just never knew a good marriage could be THIS great.

If I were in your situation and worried about the bills I would focus some attention on that. As a displaced homemaker you may qualify for some great aid to go back to school. Think about what you need to do to support yourself and your son now since cs won't be enough. Look into that NOW and maybe you can start in the fall (divorce should be final by then right?). Will you get any spousal support?

The job situation alone should give you something to focus on other than your anger at your WH.

2Hope,

My heart goes out to you, and I feel your pain.

I can relate your feelings because I feel the same way about my my WW as you do about your WH. It's been five years of a loveless marriage on her part, and last year at this time she met someone online. She left the house in September. I too see very little hope in her coming back, and our divorce should be final in the next six weeks or so.

In my opinion, you are doing things correctly by not seeing him except at your son's events. There's really no way to avoid it.

Your dream of a family has been shattered by a selfish man. Continue to give your son your love and all the care that he needs. I really gave my two daughters more care and time when my wife left.

But you must also find gratification in other things. The support of friends and family are invaluable. Go out with friends and close family members. Call them. Renew friendships.

Are you a person of faith? If yes, then that will strengthen you. As St. Paul says, love endures. Take heart in that.

Are there projects in the house you can work on to make your living space more pleasant? When I hit rock bottom, I remembered a scene from Dreamworks "Joseph." In that animation, Joseph is imprisoned when he is falsely accused of sexually assaulting his Egyptian master's wife. In his cell he finds himself in the deepest despair. He discovers a dying plant, and he decides to focus his time on nurturing it back to life. Over time the plant becomes, vibrant, strong, and stout. He is finally released from the cell, but not after he found hope and courage in caring for something in need: the plant. That scene inspired me to fix the many things that had gone in disrepair in the house because I knew that my house was a sign of my own life. Things are brighter, cleaner, and much more beautiful and that has helped me, the girls, and family members who visit.

Exercise is also very important. It's amazing how exercise can make you feel better both mentally and physically.

Take good care of yourself. Remove your husband from your space by giving space to life-giving activities and relationships. Your pain will not go away fast. I still suffer many moments of melancholy. But I know there is more; I know that this will pass too:

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.