Some of you know my story already. I originally posted as NewCreation2011 but after not posting for about a year I could not come up with my log-in info and rejoined with my current user name.

Confession... I also signed up under the username Aerie several months ago. I posted for a bit in the Recovery forum and although I described my situation at the time accurately I left out my historical detail. For those who do not know my story already my historical truth is that my marriage began as an affair. I also said I was so happy to be finally posting after lurking for so long but the truth was not that it was my first time posting but that it was my first posts as a betrayed wife. Long story short, during that time someone posted who was about to enter an affair marriage and I rejoined as NC12 because I couldn't remember my NC11 log-in info in a rush to try to dissuade this poster. The mods caught that I had posted under two names from one IP and emailed me. I lied in my initial response and it seemed to be accepted. The lie made me sick inside and I emailed the mods back a day or so later and confessed what I had done. I was surprised that they did not ban me from posting but forgave my deceit and simply asked me to choose one name and stick with it and be HONEST.

The honest truth is that between participating in it and being a victim of it adultery has ruined my life. I posted as Aerie because I so desperately needed and wanted the support of this place in my efforts to try to restore my life and yes, my marriage, and I knew my past was too distasteful for most others to see past.

I am very sorry to the posters who offered me support as Aerie because I denied them the opportunity to decide for themselves if they were willing to accept me with my past. I had no right to do that.

Request... and I know it is BOLD of me to even ask, but is there anyone here with everything on the table who is willing to talk to me from time to time? If so, where would be the best place to post?

For the record I have posted on one other site about my marital issues and I did not address my past there either. I suppose I should do that now. I don't really expect much backlash there as the site tends to be very wishy washy and coddling. I can find a dozen places like that to post but it is this site where people seem to really understand the tragedy of adultery and it is this place that holds and supports the truths that I have learned the VERY hard way. I guess it doesn't really make sense that the place I want to be is the place that is the hardest on me but here I am!

The biggest divide here has seemed to be whether I can remain married and be changed and a person of value or whether I must divorce my husband or else I am committing adultery forever. In the past it was very divided with both sides feeling passionately. I respect the different views and struggled deeply with the question myself. I have chosen to remain married so anyone who may be willing to converse with me would likely have to believe that I can be truly repentant and forgiven yet remain with my husband.

Not that I do not welcome all input and viewpoints, I do, but I do not wish for my thread to become a battlefield among those of you who normally fellowship well together here yet fall on opposite sides of my life story. That happened on my last post.

So, there it is. What do you think? I don't know how to link threads in posts but if you search my user names I know you can find them there.

NC12

Is your husband on board with MB?

Are you completely on board with MB, and will follow it without cherry picking?

That's what I need to know ... are you serious about making your marriage work?

I do not believe I can stand in judgement of you being in an affairage. But the odds are against you making it. If you're going to make it, you will have to dive in head first and work ALL the MB principles without cherry picking. BOTH of you will have to commit to that.

If you're serious about doing that, I'll give you all the time I can spare.

You can hit notify and ask the MODS to merge all your threads.

Like Prisca asked. Are you on board with MB?
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

There is a difficult issue here which goes beyond whether individual posters here would be willing to talk to you. It is the issue of your posting here for help with your marriage when there are wounded BSs here - some of them abandoned by their spouse who has gone off with the OP.

It is okay for those who feel able to post to you, but do we owe any responsibility to those who are hurt by your presence here? Is it enough to say to them - well don't post to her or read her threads, then?

What about your needs?

What about theirs?

I don't wish unilaterally to push you away with my post.

My intention is to ask al of us - including you - to consider other people and not just our own reactions when we respond.

Maybe we should ask Dr. Harley how he feels about it being on his board. I know he is willing to help affairages, although he says he has never been successful.

And yes, I do believe it is enough to ask people who would not be able to handle seeing an affairage helped, to stay off of such threads. I cannot even read every thread on this site, even though I try. There is no reason for them to read this thread, especially since it is here on Other Topics and not on SAA or MB101.

I make an attempt to stay off of threads that I find too much to handle. I do not believe it is too much to ask that others do the same.

Again, maybe Dr. Harley should be asked.

Somebody did ask him a couple of years ago, and posted his response here. He had no objection.

Yes, my husband and I are both on board with MB. We also have a Christian counselor who is onboard with MB.

I understand the concern about hurting any further the BS that post here. That is why I chose Other Topics for this thread. If Dr. Harley wishes me not to post here I would certainly respect that.

I said in the past I would not seek help for my marriage here but I admit I wish I could. Maybe just a thread to bounce occasional thoughts off of others who believe the principles we are trying to follow? I guess that is help, I don't know. I lurk a lot and I often see things that I wish I could comment on or seek further insight on and feel I can't. Is that too much to ask? I don't mean that smart, I struggle with doing what is right.

NC12

It appears Dr. Harley doesn't object to you posting.

Out of respect for those who would be offended by your affairage, you might want to keep your posts here so they are not forced to interact with you.

What MB principles are you using? How many hours UA? POJA? PORA?

Dr. Harley posted on the public forum to someone in an affairage. It would be a good read for you. It is good for you to know that the odds are against you, and you will have to work harder than others to make it work:

Dr. Harley on Affairages

What problems are you facing at this point?

We haven't been counting our UA time recently however we have in the past and we don't spend any time apart outside of work hours. Literally, no time apart. We aren't socializing with friends either and our kids are all grown so we do get lots of time. I do think we need to get back to scheduling and counting it though. If for no other reason than we did more enjoyable things together when we did that consistently.

We are learning to practice POJA. So far we haven't had any major issues to challenge us, but we do both get the concept. I guess it will take a big decision to see how well we really handle the new way of doing things.

I am not sure what PORA is? I am guessing you mean the radical honesty? If so, everything is open now and I have access to all communications devices, etc. I feel confident in present truthfulness. As far as honesty about the affairs I still have lingering doubts but I was trickle truthed for a very long time so I don't know that there is anything that will take that feeling completely away from me. Maybe in time?

My FWH is VERY different now. We have been married for 13 years and the husband I have had the last almost 8 months is a completely different person. It is such a drastic change. If I didn't know how much I had changed since the time of our affair I don't know if I could believe it even possible.

What else can I answer that would help?
NC12

Thanks Prisca, I have read the link you shared along with pretty much everything else on this site about affairages. I know our odds were poor and I fully understand why.

The biggest issues right now are my inability to stop triggering and having bad dreams constantly. I saw our counselor this week and I also made an appointment to get on ADs for next week. I know that in time this is supposed to get better and better but it has become nearly paralyzing to me. We have been following the policy of not bringing up the affair but the change in my mood at times is very noticeable. I kept blowing it off and saying that I was fine and that nothing was wrong and trying to smile through it but finally FWH said to me that he hoped one day I could trust him enough to be honest with him about my feelings. Ouch. I have been very confused about how to handle this because #1 I thought we weren't supposed to talk about it anymore so how do I tell him what is wrong, and #2 I do not want to throw in his face his past mistakes when I know that he is doing everything he can short of having a time machine to make things right. So we have talked a little and are trying to work that issue out right now.

I would say the other big issue for us is that FWHs most recent OW was a family friend and his mother and sister reconnected with her once they started seeing eachother and were totally on team OW. They aided the affair to the nth degree. When we decided to reconcile FWH explained to them what he did and how wrong it was and asked them to sever ties with OW and they refused so we had to go NC with them. I imagine even his mother's funeral when the time comes is going to be a big problem and I wonder what to do about this situation.

Your husband's affairs is evidence of how high the odds are against you. What makes you think he's changed?

I suggest you drop your counselor and get in contact with Dr. Harley. He is your best bet.

He cheated with you, and now he's cheated on you multiple times. What makes you think he's changed?

It sounds like your emotions are telling you that he hasn't changed, and you are in a damaging situation.

Our counselor is in agreement with Dr. Harley and how we came to the program. He has worked with both of us extensively, separately and together.

What tells me he has changed is that he is more concerned about my feelings than his own as evidenced by his actions, not his words. It is that he is no longer arrogant and critical. He shows a humbleness I never thought possible from him. He has admitted everything after years of denials and gaslighting and accepted responsibility for his actions. He has taken every ounce of the humiliation of having to acknowledge his actions with our families and our friends. He has gone NC with his own mom and sister because it is right even though I know it hurts him terribly. He is so gentle with me and has changed his daily life and routines and habits 100%.

I know that once a cheater, always a cheater isn't ALWAYS true because it isn't the truth of me.

The affairs did go on for so long and were so horrible and on top of the usual torment that goes along with being betrayed I had the added on torment of knowing every ounce of pain I was experiencing I had caused someone else, which is beyond gut wrenching to acknowledge, that I wonder if I am just damaged beyond repair. My FWH is standing by me doing his best to help me though. I just don't know what he can do.

NC12

If your counselor is so good, why are you needing the board here?
Are you willing to contact Dr. Harley at all?

I did not say once a cheater, always a cheater. BUT, the odds were already against you, and he has had multiple affairs on top of that, the odds just keep climbing.

You say his daily life, routines and habits have changed 100%. How? Have you verified what he does, where he goes, who he talks to?

Again, are you willing to contact Dr. Harley?

I highly doubt your marriage will survive if you do not contact Dr. Harley and get his help. It is one of the steps that I believe you, being in an affairage, MUST take.

I have had marriage counselors who said that they were "on board" with MB, too. They really weren't, though.

It's risky for a marriage to trust a counselor. But you can't afford that risk.