No i don't have the book but i'll read up on here first.

Thanks Letty, yeah i didn't think you could do that here.

Well last night i found out that there's gossip going around about my H and this OW who is the single mum. It was third hand by the time it got to me and apparently she is 'after him' but the women who told my BFs friend said that she was bad news and really hoped he wouldn't start seeing her.

So i lay awake for 3 hours in the early hours of this morning my brain going crazy. The worst thing about it is that i can't imagine what it would have been like for my H now that i'm on the other side.

I don't believe that he's 'seeing' her yet or that anythings happened but it seems clear what her intentions are. He's coming for dinner tonight and i need to ask him whats going on.. .but i'm so scared :-(

Stay strong, you've come so far.

Look him in the eye and ask him what's up.

BV, do your best Plan A. You don't have control over what he does, only yourself. Stay calm and be at your best.

Thanks BH... i will.

Its time to harden up and ask some difficult questions. No way we can move forward otherwise.

It's so hard thinking i might have to tell him that if he's starting something it will be an affair... i'm sure he will think it isn't. And being the first betrayer... how can i do any of the things in Plan A? Everyone else would think i wouldn't have a right to treat it as an affair.

But no point in thinking that way until i get some confirmation about whats going on i guess.

Urgggh this is horrible :-(

Remember no expectations in Plan A. Look marvelous and ravishing. Be your best.

Hi I have been following your thread. I just kind of wanted to answer your question from above. I divorced my WW quickly after I found out about her cheating so I moved on right away.

I noticed you felt bad about having Sex with your Husband. Even felt a little used. I do not recommend doing it if you feel used. He is your husband so I don't think you should feel used by him.

So If I was your husband and you told me you feel used well that would not sit very well with me. I would say "You sure didn't have a problem with having sex with the OM!" Why would I want to get back with a woman that does not like having sex with me but sure will put our for another man?

I know this sounds harsh but as a Man that is what went through my head. My XWW sure did not seem to like having Sex with me but she sure loved doing it with the OM. When she came to me and asked for another chance I couldn't do it. I was mad at all the times I went to her to try and fix our Sex life. So I went without while she was doing a guy behind my back. I just could not accept that a person that loves someone could do that to them. I would have never treated her that way.

As far as doing it on your own well that is true. You abandoned your husband for another man. Dumped him through him out like a piece of garbage. You have a lot of proving to do before he will believe anything about you. Just think of all the lies you told him. It takes time to get over that.

I think you are doing a great job but I am really impressed with your Husband. He could have moved on a lot farther than he has. You have a short time in my opinion to try and get him back if it is not too late.

You will have to do the heavy lifting and put this in the back of your mind. My XW did kind of the same thing except when I found out I filed for divorce. As far as your husband he is doing it right. He moved on with his life and it will be your job to show him that he should come back to you.

You have done a lot of damage. But it may not be too late. You will have to do some proving to him and who knows you may get another shot. I sure like your attitude now.

Best of luck to you. I know this cannot be easy for you.

I'm so, so sorry BV. You must feel wretched. Its stuff like this that reaffirms my decision not to date while still married - its ALWAYS a troublemaker going after a betrayeds bruised ego. These people relish the idea of busting up an already damaged marriage.

You're right its time to harden up and ask difficult questions. Its time to ignore what enablers and enemies to marriage might say and apply some Art of Wart tactics to the situation. You must be fearless. It is essential that you don't appear helpless and needy to him. If he thinks he can have you both - he will.Plan A carrot and stick in full by calling this what it would be - an affair.

And I speak as a BS who has had her share of vultures seeking to make good on my pain. I know that without MB it would have been highly tempting to have my WH watch on in jealousy. I shudder to think what I escaped.

He clearly has a lot of love for you and you have a real chance. You can't afford to be timid. Art of War: �when weak appear strong"

One thing worth keeping in mind BV, is that your WH probably wants your jealousy - so give it to him sooner rather later!

It is highly flattering to make someone jealous as its a natural response to a threat when we are in love.

What I'm saying is, don't make him feel he has to ramp up his actions in order to make you jealous. Tell him you already are and can't endure any more.

Make it very clear that the pain is already insufferable and that if it were to continue you couldn't be around him as it would be too painful.

As you are a WS that's how I would play it. Not in the form of anger or 'how dare you' but in the shape of 'you're killing me here,please stop it'.

You were pretty assertive about the no-strings sex bothering you so be similarly assertive that you would love to make amends but you can't recover this marriage with an OW on the scene.

If you're worried about being seen as being hypocritical, don't be. If you were a recovered drug user you'd be more confident of telling a new drug user that it was the worst mistake you'd ever made and you don't reccomend it. Its the truth, after all. You are a FORMER wayward, making amends, not a current wayward. You have every right.

Its funny but when I first said I wouldn't date during the separation everyone looked at me like I was crazy. But very quickly when others in similar sitches in town began to date, without even filing for a D etc, they were judged unfavourably in comparison to me. I got them thinking.

You can too. He's spending time with, and having sex with his wife. Its clearly not right he brings an OW into the mix when his marriage can be saved.

And SNOOP

BV,

As I have said before on your thread, I am in a very similar boat as you. My boat is just a little further in the water. I was also very curious about plan A from the wayward side. Just to give you a little advice from personal experience. What I did was really tried to focus on little things that made my H feel happy and safe.

I also focused on some of my small but bad habits that I never seemed to care bothered him before and forced myself to correct them.

I talked to him every day, I was open with him, I made myself completely transparent. Even when he told me that he did not care about me or what I was doing, I let him know anyway. I asked him to come over when he was not living with me. Encouraged him to spend the night. I tried not to use my kids as leverage because that is not fair but I did promote doing things as a family.

I tried to remind him of the little things that we did that meant so much. I did and still fill him with admiration. Something I have discovered is a big deal and very high on his EN list. I told him how much we missed having him at the house and reminded him of little things he did that I missed so much.

Funny story we have a grey, male cat that LOVES my H. While my H was gone, he was so bad and did little mischievous things to show me that he was angry that my H was not there. I told my H about this frequently and we laughed about it. He did not believe it until he actually saw him in action. When my H came back home, he turned back into an angel.

As far as watching your H with OW. I know that a RA does not happen with all As but it did happen to me. Right after my A my H would get drunk and talk about going out and sleeping with someone else just to get back at me. I was a little scared but I knew that this was not his style.

In December when I moved back in (my H kicked me out for three weeks right after the A) I was still foggy, my H was talking about working things out, we were going to a MC, and I didn't even notice the change in his behavior.

In January (January 2nd to be exact) he all of the sudden said he did not want to be with me, he was moving out, and we were done. It took me two more weeks and my son telling me to check the phone records to discover that he had been in a RA since the middle of December.

Now, looking back all of the signs were there but I did not want to see them. I guess what I am saying to you is don't rule it out. Snoop without being too obvious but if you are concerned about something or someone, do not be afraid to find out more. I never thought my H had it in him but I brought him to that place and the OW (who I now know is a three time cheater herself) was able to manipulate my H while he was hurt and vulnerable to do the one thing that he despised more than anything in the world (thanks to myself and his mother).

Sorry I wrote you a book I just really wanted you to see things from someone who was and still is in your place. Good luck BV!! I am here if you have any other questions.

Wow, 15yrs, great post.

Thanks, i appreciate your input. You speak the truth and i still (and will always) need to hear it.

I do feel time pressure here... and the need to get it right this time. It's hilarous to think i was 'trying' last year when i was so foggy. You can't try when you are foggy.

Yeah... he could have moved on much more, and i am very grateful he hasn't. I hope it means he still believes somewhere inside that we can make it - and make it better than ever before.

Thanks again :-)

Thanks Indie Girl.

Well... He came, we talked... and er... well SF again :P But I didn't feel a speck of being 'used' this time. It was different. Maybe because we talked first.

I let him know that i wanted him to tell me what he needs in order to consider reconciliation with me. And that i wanted to meet those needs in my 'doing everything'. He said he didn't really know... and still didn't know if he wanted to get back together. He said he'd met quite a few girls but none of them he was interested in as more than friends. Thats when i told him about the goss i'd heard. He said that he hadn't seen her in over a month... i was crying by now and said that i knew this was nothing compared to what he went through but even the thought of her txting him made my very upset.

He didn't explicidly say that he wanted to give us another chance... but he said he wanted to start at the beginning, as friends... and that he really enjoyed spending time with me.

Funny thing is - some things i'd always felt kinda jealous of, now just make me love him even more. I feel like every time i look at him i'm falling more in love with him - at a completely different level to ever before. He has some amazing quailitys - integrity, honour and self control are at the top. He is truely such a good person and i always felt so 'bad' compared to him but my attitude is changing now.

Good for you!

I don't know if you've read Peps Conflict Avoidance thread, but here was a very tempting opportunity to avoid conflict, and avoid having thing thrown back in your face. But you womaned up and shot that impulse to CA in the eye!

Snoop anyway! I know he is a good person and all, but even good people can have their vulnerabilities exploited. If he doesn't know about the lovebank he won't be able to prevent her making deposits - and you've heard she's predatory. Protect him from this vulture by keeping yourself informed.



This comment intrigued me. My H used to often say I was a better person than him and I never understood. What does it mean?

He didn't explicidly say that he wanted to give
us another chance... but he said he wanted to
start at the beginning, as friends... and that
he really enjoyed spending time with me.

THAT is known around here as a GIFT!

Don't forget for a,second all of those qualities you are falling in love with. Always remember them. As far as being a better person than u, I know exactly how you feel but maybe for a little different reasons. I had my first A when I was 19 and we were only married two years. We didn't deal with it but I always had a feeling that I did not deserve my H and that nothing I could do would ever change what I did. This may be true but what marriage builders has shown me and taught me is that I can be a better person, I can set my boundaries and limits high, that I can respect myself and my marriage. You are doing great, keep it up!

Thanks guys.. i am just about in tears reading through the last few messages.

NG - it truely is a gift.

IndieGirl... i think i just see so many qualities in my H that I admire and want for myself. I know in my head that sin is sin... and since everyone has sinned there is no 'you are better than me' but that's what it always felt like with him getting on with life and me struggling through.

Now i need to go read that thread on conflict avoidance... we used to do that big time. and i also need to read more on love busters... i think i'm guiltly of almost all of them :-(

I must be getting my 'just desserts' because i cannot stop thinking about him and OW... any OW!!!!! There was also a new female friend added on FB last week, who i found out through someone else had an affair with a coworker. I feel like the vultures are surrounding him and there's nothing i can do about it until he decides what he wants :-(

I'm very tempted to go on FB and message the one he's spent time with and tell her not so politely to get lost. But i guess i shouldn't...

He said yesterday that he's keen to go away for a few days by himself. I'm guessing that's to think through things and makes some decisions.

He's still your H, correct? So why not?

Have you read this? I Encourage BH to confront OM

He's still your Husband.

Yea i guess so. But what if nothings happened? What if the gossip i heard about her being after him is just gossip?

Ughhhhhhh

Then I guess you better snoop more. Get creative. What snooping can you do?

What about posting on his FB wall. "I love you my darling Husband" So everyone can see?