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Welcome to Plan A!
It's all so very counter-intuitive and so hard to wrap your arms around, but it's so very effective. It's mind boggling to be sure. I know you're hurt, frustrated, crushed, etc., etc. Been there, done that. I feel very bad for you, but you're not doing all you need to do. You are NOT showing your wife that you are willing to fight for her by not getting in this POS's face and letting him know this man to man. This POS has already has proven his commitment to YOUR wife to writing an affidavit admitting his adultery and his desire to be with her.
What have you done in retaliation? How are you countering this? Have you gone to the licensing board yet? If not, why not?
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Brainhurts,
I didn't know he accepted emails much less for free.
I don't mean to get so frustrated with anyone because I know everyone here is just trying to help. I've just continuously tried to do the things that are suggested and for whatever reason have not been able to determine what's acceptable and what's not.
I mean, I felt (and do every time) absolutely stupid posting those scenario questions today. I feel like I have to ask whether something is right or wrong every time I turn around because things are so contradictory. Maybe (apparently) it's just me, I don't know. What I do know is that trying to continuously analyze and decipher everything I do towards my WW is absolutely wearing me out.
I don't mind working for this because it's worth working for but I'm using up all my energy trying to determine if what I do every minute corresponds to the program or, more precisely, if I'm interpreting what I'm supposed to be doing into what I'm actually doing, correctly.
Sorry if I sound frustrated tonight, but I am. I have started to second guess everything I do as well as my own judgement. I don't like that because I no longer feel like I am making any decisions in this situation. I have to find some way or some thing that will help me understand these rules better because I can't and don't want to have to continue to ask for advice everytime I encounter something with her. I don't want to have to ask for advice or opinions every hour of the day.
I am so very grateful for this forum, the people and the patience so don't think I'm not. I just apparently don't get it, as some would say. It shouldn't be and can't be this hard to be able to determine if an action or decision is right or wrong. But, I don't know what to do to be able to understand things better.
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This POS has already has proven his commitment to YOUR wife to writing an affidavit admitting his adultery and his desire to be with her.
What have you done in retaliation? How are you countering this? Have you gone to the licensing board yet? If not, why not? TW, I really have no idea what you mean here??
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This POS has already has proven his commitment to YOUR wife to writing an affidavit admitting his adultery and his desire to be with her.
What have you done in retaliation? How are you countering this? Have you gone to the licensing board yet? If not, why not? TW, I really have no idea what you mean here?? Oops, my bad. Got the threads mixed up. Ignore.
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Welcome to Plan A!
It's all so very counter-intuitive and so hard to wrap your arms around, but it's so very effective. It's mind boggling to be sure. I know you're hurt, frustrated, crushed, etc., etc. Been there, done that. I feel very bad for you, but you're not doing all you need to do. In regards to not doing everything I need to do...if I understood better what was right and what was wrong I would be able to implement MUCH better. Seems that everything I try to do turns out to be right the opposite of what I should have done. I regards to confronting the POSOM...I have no idea what will and will not affect my potential custody battle. I will say this with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY...I would and will walk away from the fight to win back my loser WW in less than a heartbeat if it meant I would end up with more time with my kids!! If I knew all the legal stuff like a lawyer does I might not be as fearful about doing more in that regard, but I don't amd even the THOUGHT of something hurting my custody chances...I take it more serious than being told I have cancer. My kids mean more to me than saving my marriage.
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I get it I really do. I remember not getting answers to my posts and asking "what's wrong with me? Why can't I get it". That's when I really started to read his material, wrote him and have all his books. He even send you a free book when you write him.
Dr. Harley said it best "your dealing with emotions and that alone can make you feel like you're all over the place". That's why he gives us plans and suggests when it becomes too much to go to Plan B.
You never dealt with infidelity before and this can be one of the most traumatic experiences in someone's lives. We've had posters suffer from PTSD. That's another reason Dr. H recommends ADs, to help clear your head and make clear decisions.
Yes Dr. H answers questions for free on his radio show and you could even be a caller where you talk to him for free. I would do this. Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Well TigerWes,
I don't really know what to say. Yes, I have messed up on many occasions.
How is a person supposed to be able to follow everything that is said on here "exactly" when many of the things seem to contradict? I'm doing the best I can, contrary to what it appears.
One minute it's said that I should be polite and nice, the next minute I'm not supposed to be helping her or making things easy.
One minute I'm supposed to protect myself legally, the next I'm supposed to be asking her out on dates.
One minute I'm supposed to try to woo her, the next I'm supposed to counter file for divorce while sending subpoenas to everyone old enough to feed themselves.
So if I seem to get confused and screw up all the time, maybe there's good reason. I am a very intelligent person, but following the program is not very easy to do when things seem to contradict everywhere I turn.
I have gotten some very good advice on here and have tried to follow most of it as best I could. I have no doubts that this program works and I have made some very good friends on here as well as gotten some very good advice along with some very well deserved beatings. I've begun to wonder if ANYONE has been able to follow any of this EXACTLY?!
What I won't do though is accept criticism when I don't deserve it. I'm dealing with the worst situation that I have ever thought I would find myself in. I am reaching out in every possible direction I can to try to find a way or ways to deal with this and maybe fix it. I AM TRYING!
TW, I know you're trying to help in some way but I'm getting kind of tired of trying to do what is being suggested and when I don't do it exactly right or whatever, I get criticized. It's very frustrating and tiring to continue trying every which way to do something and each way is the wrong way.
They say the definition of insanity is continuing to try the same thing expecting a different result. Maybe I should try something else...or maybe I'm just REALLY touchy tonight. Maybe I should just deal with this the best way I know how since it appears that I don't have the aptitude to follow the rules here! LFH, Dr Harley's radio show yesterday had a good clip (1st segment) with Dr H suggesting to a caller plan A when he and his WW have seperated. I think it will help you understand how to plan A and also at the same time and in parallel protect yourself legally. Take a listen. Blackhawk
Me: BH
Marriage: 22 years
2 kids
D-Day 5 Sept 2011
EA w OM started Fall 2010, PA w OM Spring 2011, OM died end Sept 2011
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BrainHurts,
I don't want anyone to misunderstand that I'm not upset that no one replied to my questions. I shouldn't have had to ask them at all if I were able to understand the right and wrongs of the program.
I'm just frustrated and tired. I don't get it enough to know what to do in regards to my behavior and reactions to what comes my way in this situation.
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A man should not have to work THIS hard to keep his family together, much less to coerce a woman to love him.
Don't know if I'm just having a bad day or if I'm just getting to the point where I'm unsure as to whether I even want her back or not.
All of her mean, hateful behavior and threatening me with her lawyer if I don't do exactly as she wants is really making me second guess whether she's even worth it anymore.
A man can only put so much effort into something until he reaches a point when he starts to wonder what all the efforts have been wasted on.
Maybe she deserves the POSOM. I'm too good of a man to waste my efforts on someone that wants to cheat on me and then blame it all on me. If she wants to run to a low life, cheating POS that's just gonna leave her high and dry sooner than she realizes then maybe that's what she deserves.
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She is trying to intimidate you and get you to back off and bow down to her demands. It is working.
"Get busy living, or get busy dying"...... The Shawshank Redemption.
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I can see that point Logan. I guess I can also see that you could be right.
I say it that way because I don't feel like her intimidation is what's causing me to "lose interest". I'm getting worn down.
Maybe that's her goal as well...to wear me down to where I quit.
I hate to sound so negative today. Everything just piles up and sits down on me all at once sometimes. I honestly hope this is just a mood or low point, because I'm really not ready to give up. I'm just VERY frustrated and worn right now.
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Her issue right now is that she wants to come over to get some of her things which I have told her MULTIPLE times was fine as long as I was here and we had a third party witness.
I told her this morning that if she would tell me what she wanted, I would bring it to her when we exchanged the kids. She never told me. She emailed me after I got back home and said that "if I wasn't agreeable to allowing her to come over and get her personal things herself then she would let her lawyer handle it because she had contacted them and knew her rights".
I see 3 options here:
1. Tell her to have her lawyer call mine.
2. Gather ALL her personal stuff that she's asking for, put them in a box and take them to her.
3. Tell her when my schedule allows for her to come over while there is a third party witness here.
I feel like the forum would choose #1 and part of me would do the same. I guess it's the reactive side that would choose #2 and the doormat side that would choose #3.
This is kind of what I've gotten so frustrated with the Plans about. Situations like this require me to be legal which in turn is NOT being pleasant and nice toward her. This is where my frustration and screw-ups are coming from.
Last edited by looking_for_help; 06/09/12 11:38 AM.
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Steve Harley gave me some valuable advice, do not let yourself get in your own way. I see that with you. You seem to allow yourself to stuck in second guessing game and not make a move.
"Get busy living, or get busy dying"...... The Shawshank Redemption.
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Steve Harley gave me some valuable advice, do not let yourself get in your own way. I see that with you. You seem to allow yourself to stuck in second guessing game and not make a move. DITTO
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Yes Dr. H answers questions for free on his radio show and you could even be a caller where you talk to him for free. I would do this. Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. Are you going to write Dr. Harley? This will give you something to do. 
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I do agree with that whole-heartedly!
I second guess everything I do here, but I do it because every time I make a decision I get ripped (on here) because it's the wrong one. I can make decisions, but they don't always align with what MB says I should do. That's why I second guess everything.
So I guess I'm gun shy.
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BrainHurts,
I might as well. I'm not doing myself any good even with the great advice I get on here. Apparently I am inept at using it correctly.
I'm not aiming my frustration at anyone but myself. I am my own problem.
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So the, you have 2 choices:
Sit and do the whoa is me in your bucket of self pity and worry about every little step you take
OR
Get off your a@@, make a decision, and DO SOMETHING.
You have been given 105 pages of excellent advice from the vets. Now what will you do with it?
"Get busy living, or get busy dying"...... The Shawshank Redemption.
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Logan,
I sincerely appreciate the kick in the rear. I honestly do need them quite often, but....I'm apparently not getting my message across.
I don't have a problem making decisions. The problem is that the decisions are not usually the ones that MB would have me make and I can't find the magic rule book that helps me determine which decision I should make.
But, I guess that's ok. I will make decisions and if they're right, great...if they're wrong then who gives a crap anyway because I won't be any worse off.
I'm having so many second guesses right now because I think my decision making is beginning to be driven by my retaliation side and I KNOW those decisions won't be the right ones. But, I'll take my "100 pages of advice" and make some decisions.
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Just so you understand.........I was probably the most foggiest BS there ever was...you named it i did it, denied, foot dragged, even lied to the board.......it took me 7 months to go from plan A to plan B......this was 13 months after DD. They say men should plan A for up to 6 months, women 2 to 3 weeks. Guess what? I did plan A 1 year, yep 12 months longer than i should have.
My point to you......pull you boots on, walk thru the crap with your head held high because it is going to really stink bad what you have to walk through.....and stop worrying about getting your socks dirty.
"Get busy living, or get busy dying"...... The Shawshank Redemption.
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