So we asked Steve why he didn't push UA time with us. His answer was pretty clear: until my H gets his anger problem under control, Steve didn't feel safe telling us to be together that much time every week..."bad things could happen."

But he gave us the assignment this week, so I guess he thinks it's safer.

This is in alignment with what Dr. Harley says and what a lot of posters were concerned with when you told the forum about his anger.

Glad you're back on track.

Glad things are progressing Zhamila!

Some good days, some difficult days. Still meeting with Steve, still slowly taking it day by day.

Z,

How are things going with the UA time? How much time has Steve suggested per week?

I am glad you guys are still meeting with Steve. Good for you Z, and Mr. Z! I guess our marriage's didn't get where they are over night and won't be magically fixed overnight either.

It is a lot of work, and some setbacks, but thank goodness for the improvements and good days!

I would love a detailed update when you get the chance! I am rooting for you guys!

Zhamila, did you read Prisca's thread on angry husbands? I thought that somehow my ex and I were special and we'd be able to make it even though it took me forever to get serious about no longer tolerating his AOs and over love busters. But the love busters depleted my willingness to work with him until I filed for divorce. You have what it takes to be strong and consistent and defend your marriage

One thing I did was to focus on UA and FC time primarily as a way to make some good memories for us and the kids in case things changed and we were going to reconcile later. We didn't reconcile but I'm glad I put the work in to make it easy for us to make those memories together. Are there any things that you would regret later not having done as a family that you would want to make happen now?

Thanks for the reference, NED. Where can I find Prisca's thread? Also, I'm not sure I know what FC time is? (sorry, I feel stupid today)

I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out. Would you mind telling me more about that, or referring me to your thread? I'd love to understand what happened & see if I can learn from it.

I can empathize with your saying that AOs & LBs depleted your willingness to work with him. Even though we have a few good moments/days, when the cycle changes and it's difficult again, I find that it gets harder and harder to pick back up.

I like your advice about making good memories. We don't share children, so I feel ok there.

Hi TisMe! Thank you for the encouragement.

Sorry I haven't been a diligent poster...It's been kinda rough lately. My H reads the thread, so I haven't been providing great updates lately. It seems to make things harder sometimes.

I will see how the tide turns and start posting again if I can.

Z,

Maybe it could be a good thing he is reading?

Do you think he would be willing to start his on thread?

I think my H may be reading mine as well.

Here.
What To Do With An Angry Husband

Also FC=Family Commitment, it's one of the EN.
Family Commitment

Thank you BrainHurts!!

Again, thanks Brain!!

My H says he'll never post here. I asked him quite a while ago, he's not interested.

Zhamila, I read through your posts to me again, and I want to thank you for your encouragment.

I kept telling myself, "no, that is not me. My DH loves me and he isn't doing what she says he is doing."

Denial anyone?

Thanks for being strong, and I pray your days are getting better.

In a nutshell, my XH was a heavy drinker and worked out of town a lot, and I became depressed. After the divorce, the depression lifted, and we co-parent successfully now. I know did what I could to save the marriage, and hope our kids can take away that we don't give up on family easily, there are things you can do to try to make a family healthy, but marriage is not unconditional.


This is a good thing, that you have the hope to recognize that when marriage is this level of difficult, it's not natural to just pick up where you left off. It means you need more protection. You've read the articles, are you at the point where it is safest for you and your family to separate for a year?


That's great. I want you to be able to look back on this period of your life, however it turns out, and know that you have learned what you were meant to from it. Equipped with healthy tools for whatever comes next.

Thanks for YOUR encouragement, Anointed!

We're struggling still. I'm unsure what will happen.

Thank you for writing, NED. I learn so much from you, and you're always truthful and kind!


I honestly am not sure...my H has read the MB stuff and he says that any separation I try will be "the END" for him.

We've had several good days - my H has been very considerate and caring - I'm turning 40 and we've been celebrating with friends and family all week. If this 'good cycle' sticks around, I would have hope. If not, I'm not sure how many more of these cycles I can go through.



I want to have 'no regrets.' I do struggle with being near the edge of a 2nd failed marriage. It scares me that I'm broken or something, a total failure.

Wow, that is hard, none of us really knows how we will react, we take our best guess. He may be right. I understand wanting to maintain some privacy, so I am trying not to get really specific, but you know a certain level of AOs, and Dr. H recommends a one year separation to give yourselves the best shot at marriage recover. And I think you know in your heart where that line is, and what side of the line your family is on. IIRC though there is a poster stay together who didn't separate and they are recovering well. So it's not like you have no options.

I don't know why we let those tapes in our mind say we are broken or a failure. After my divorce many women at church and work told me they had been divorced too, women who live joyful lives and who I respect deeply. I wasn't the only one or something. The widows I knew, they had gone on to marry someone they could make a good life with, they didn't end up alone, and that gave me hope. If you stay, I hope you stay because you believe in your H and your marriage recovery, not out of fear of his response if you separated and not out of fear of becoming broken. I hope that makes sense. (((Hugs)))

You are not broken, Zhamila. You are doing your part. I don't remember if you are a Christian, but something God has shown me over the last few months is that it doesn't matter what ANYONE says about me (including myself). The TRUTH is what God says about me.

God says I am His child, blessed, and my children are blessed because of me. My enemies will not defeat me (in fact they will celebrate me), and my paths are laid straight.

I believe what God says about me no matter what this physical world tries to say.

You are so precious, Zhamila, and far from broken.