I need help. DH(37)and I(33)have been together 19 years, married almost 17 years. We have two kids, DD almost 18 and DS 14.

My DH has lied from the beginning. He lies about serious stuff: Cheating while pregnant and engaged (he finally told the truth(?) about that five years ago), porn, etc. He also lies about the stupidest stuff.

Every single lie he tells is killing my feelings for him. I love him, but I don't like him anymore. I don't feel the same way about him anymore.

What can I do? How am I supposed to live with a liar? Any advice would be appreciated.

Have you told him this has caused you to fall out of love?

How many affairs has he had?

I've told him. I think that he thinks I'm not serious. I've told him this is a big problem, and it is.

No affairs that I know of, but he lies so bad how would I even know?

What does he lie about? Can you give some examples?

He lied for 14 years about cheating while we were pregnant and engaged. I've asked him about it over the years and he always said no he didn't. My intuition knew better. He finally admitted to it five years ago.

He lied about porn use.

I told him a couple years ago that I didn't want females in his car. He says okay, he won't. Couple days later, he's taking a female co-worker home from work.

Just last night we were shopping online for lingerie. I leave the room, come back and he has one pulled up that we already own. I ask why'd you pull that one up we already own it. He says "I didn't". Now I'm sitting right there staring at it so I know he's lying. I ask him why, he says I lied because I didn't want to have a conversation about it. What? That doesn't even make sense!

He lies so much I can't even recall all the lies I've caught him in. He also makes promises, breaks those promises and acts like it's not a big deal.

I don't know what to do. I can't live like this.

Read what Dr. Harley says about the different kind of liars.

From here Honesty and Openness #2

Thank you, BrainHurts. Yes, he is the avoid trouble liar, but what can I do about it? Like the situation from last night, he wasn't going to 'get in any trouble'. I asked him a simple, innocent question, and he lied.

Whom has his affairs been exposed to?
Exposure 101

Were any of his OW married?

Will he take a poly? Polygraph Testing

I would move this to the SAA forum. Get the book Surviving An Affair.

Did you read the whole article? Dr. Harley says what to do with these kind of liars.

I think the root of your problem issue his affairs. Your M hasn't recovered from his affairs.
How To Survive Infidelity


Read this.

He hasn't had any affairs that I know of. He cheated while we were engaged, but I only found out about it five years ago.

Obviously that shook my world up. Made our entire relationship feel like a lie, so I did ask him to take a poly and he was all for it. I just never went through with it.

It's the lies from above and lying about the stupidest stuff I'm having a problem with.

Why did you not go through with it?

I would ask him to take one and do it. If he won't that should be a

Did you read the openness and honesty letter I posted? Dr. H tells you how to deal with liars.

I guess because I wanted to believe he finally told me the truth about any cheating.

Please listen to these radio clips.
Radio clip on the different kind of liars


Radio clip on honesty
Segment #2

Herm, I'm sorry, but this makes no sense. You had the opportunity to confirm that he was finally telling you the truth and you chose not to pursue that confirmation.

It sounds to me more like you were afraid of what you would find out and chose not to open that door. That hasn't gotten you anywhere. You are still in a marriage where you are trying to convince yourself to trust in a husband who has a clear history of lying even when the truth would serve as well. And you know that way is not working, which is why you are here.

You are also teaching your husband that you are capable of making idle threats and that you don't always mean what you say. He will use this knowledge to play the odds that he can continue to hoodwink you.

Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

I would schedule that polygraph.

I'm not really worried about the poly. I honestly do believe he would take it. I do not at all believe there's been any cheating in the marriage.

I did read the letter, but I'm not exactly sure how to apply it. The stupid things he lies about now aren't things that I'm trying to get him to agree with me on. They aren't things that are going to get him in trouble. They aren't things that can be negotiated because there's nothing to negotiate. I asked him an innocent question last night. He lied. So how would I apply it?

Thank you. I'll go listen now.

Tell us what you think.

Last night, you could have applied by saying "Wow, that's strange that you didn't pull it up. Sometimes things pop up on me, too. I really like this one [navigating away], what do you think?" And then tomorrow or whenever he is absent from the house, install a keylogger and find out the truth about future lies in this area. Then you can just say, "Really, that's what you want me to believe? Last time you tried to make me believe something like that, you typed 'skimpy panties' into the search engine before clicking on that page. Funny man, I'm onto you! I honestly don't care that you did, but I feel like you think I am stupid when you try to get me to believe things that aren't true." All said in a lighthearted manner. You can't be angry and get through to a conflict-avoiding liar. You can bust them, though, which creates a conflict within themselves because they didn't get away with it. I found success with busting on every lie I found out about--my H would lie to me and everyone else, though, and mentioning things he'd told me to them made it a kinda global conflict for him until he decided that just telling the truth was easier. He would lie about silly things, too, like where he went for lunch with someone, even though where he really went would not be a problem for me, and about more serious things, like how long he had to be out of town or that one of our friends wouldn't invite us anywhere because he hated me. I just started talking to people more, mentioning things he'd said, and it was enough to make lying more difficult than telling the truth, so he stopped.

Do you care that he looks at panty-buying sites with you? If you would prefer he didn't look at the models and only saw you in the outfits, you can scratch this activity from your together time.