Hi I'm new here. I read a few posts and they were very helpful. I'm in a difficult situation right now and don't know what to do. My husband and I have been married for 11 yrs and we have a 10-yr old. He is having an affair with a woman who is currently in another country. They met over the internet a few months ago. My husband owns a small import/export business and he was looking for suppliers when he got into contact with this woman. They got connected over the internet and when she came to the states for an exhibition, they met in person. My husband asked for a divorce soon after that. That's about a month ago. I was shocked and asked whether it's because of another woman. He denied it. Two days after he announced the news to me, she came again to stay for a week and my husband didn't come home during that week. When he came back, he told me that he didn't think we were compatible and that he had found someone else that was a perfect match in terms of personalities. He also mentioned that the woman could be helpful for his business. He said he would move out soon and get a divorce.
Now he's still living at home. He's going to the other country for a business trip in a week and he's going to travel around in that country with that woman because some of the clients were introduced to my husband by her. He obviously doesn't want to end the affair. He openly expressed his wish to live with this woman, saying that he would find an apartment so that the woman could move here to live with him. He said he had found an apartment and would move in a month and half. I asked him to show me the lease, but he said he hadn't signed it yet.
What should I do at this point? Just give up and move on? Thanks so much for any advice!

dont, I'm sorry you have to be here, but welcome to Marriage Builders.

Please help us to help you by providing more info: how long have you been married? Are children involved? Is this nasty broad married? What do you know about her?

Have you done any snooping to find out info about their affair?

Sorry, we're 36 and we've been married for 11 yrs and we have a 10-yr old. The OW is not married. I don't know much about her especially because she lives in another country right now. She's about the same age. I haven't done anything to find out the details about the affair since he exposed this to me. I did see a couple of photos of them together during the week when she visited. I don't think he's willing to end the affair right now, especially for the sake of his business.

Have you googled her name? How do you know she's not married? If your husband told you that, assume he's lying. Waywards are liars.

Why haven't you 'done anything to find out the details of the affair'?

I only know her first name and her phone # from his phone because she sent a text. He didn't even enter her full name in the contact list. It's hard to get the details because that woman lives in another country and they only met for a couple of times. The info I got was only from my husband. He also told his parents about this because he's going to take her to see his parents. He also told them that she's not married. I just can't believe he's doing this. He doesn't feel ashamed at all.
Now he's still living in our house and acts like nothing happened.

Don't...Welcome, and sorry for the reason you are here.

Do you have access to your H's computer? Perhaps there is an email address or facebook page or something that could give you more information on this woman.

I guess his parents don't care if he is committing adultery - that they would be welcoming of a skank who is destroying their granddaughter's home???

Is your husband self employed?

Have you talked to your H's family about this? Is there no one that would support your marriage and family? I understand families don't often want to "take sides" - especially against their own flesh and blood - when sometimes when you explain that you are not expecting them to side with YOU, but to side FOR the family - they see the light.

You really need to do all you can to find out who this woman is! You have no hope of destroying this affair if you don't.

And just to reiterate - don't believe a single word your husband says right now! Waywards lie .... CONSTANTLY.

Most of us who are now recovered after affairs heard all the same things... it's a script that every unfaithful partner seems to spit out, without even knowing it.

Thanks for all the replies! I really appreciate everyone's help!
I told his parents about this a few days after he mentioned it to me. They are firmly in support of me. They are trying everything to stop him including writing him letters and telling his relatives and friends that might be able to talk to him. They are all in the same country where that woman lives, by the way. He's visiting that country in a week and will see his parents and friends, too. His parents have made plans on how to talk to him and how to handle the situation when he takes the woman to see them. The OW is also a self-employed business woman who has been doing the same business my husband is doing for ten years. That's why my husband wouldn't want to let this opportunity slip because he needs her help. I think they got connected also because they're doing the same business and he felt that she understood him. He also told me that he thought that woman was more compatible with him in terms of personality and that they were the same kind.

Just to add more info: his parents were also shocked and extremely upset when I told them about this. They treat me like their own daughter. We always have a good relationship.
I did check my husband's phone when he's asleep and found this woman's first name and phone #. The first name doesn't mean much, though, because that's a made-up name. He is sneaky and didn't even save her real name.

Can you have his trip canceled or go with him?

I would not allow him anywhere near the OW.

Is there any way your IL's can find out her full name? So you can expose on her side?

Thanks, Brainhurts. This trip is so important for his business. He would never cancel it. I can't go with him because of my work and that our daughter's in school. It's an international trip, so it will take time to plan it. I'm not sure whether my ILs will find out her full name. I guess if he takes her to see them, they will find out.
Is it worth saving at this point if he openly told me that he didn't want me anymore and that he didn't think we were compatible at all? I'm tired of hearing all this and feeling hurt.

dontask, it is pretty much routine that an adulterer does not want his spouse at that time. That is because of the affair. And compatibility is a problem to be solved, not an excuse to have an affair.

I would strongly suggest you become a super spy and find out everything about the OW. Put a keylogger on his computer, spyware on his phone, etc. Can you hire a PI?

It is very important that you find out who this OW is NOW. You can't wait to hope someone else does this. You need this information so you can expose the affair wide and far.

Once you get this information, I would expose the affair to the OW's family and friends. It is very likely that she is married which is why it is so important to get her personal data even if you have to hire a PI.

And are you telling me that his parents will ALLOW this pig OW in their home??

Would he know it if I put a keylogger on his computer? His phone doesn't have a password, so I can check it. But he always erase everything, so I haven't found their chatting history. I did get her first name and phone #. That OW is in another country which makes the regular strategies hard to implement. I do believe that she is not married because my husband said that she's waiting for him to get a divorce so that she can marry him. He told me this when he exposed the affair to me. He was very angry at that time and blamed me for everything. I believed what he said at that time because when he's angry, he wouldn't even think and would tell what's really in his mind.
My husband always does whatever he wants with his parents and he doesn't respect them as much as he should. That's why he doesn't care about what they think and will take her to see them. I do think my ILs are doing whatever they can, but they can't stop my husband from going to their house with the OW. I know, it's such a mess. I feel hopeless.

Yes, your inlaws can and should stop him from bringing his skank into their home. I would ask them to respect you and not allow this.

Go to spectorsoft.com and buy eblaster. It runs about $100 but it is virtually undetectable and it will email you daily reports. They also have spyware for the phone that you can install on his phone.

You might be able to get her full name and country from doing a reverse check on her cell phone #.

Try some of these to see if you can get her name. Can you hire a PI?

http://www.cellphonelookup.com/

intelius.com

It is very important that your inlaws stand up to him. It's THEIR home...they don't have to allow him to do anything. I know you can't control them, but surely you can educate them on how important it is that EVERYONE shut the door in the face of this affair!

As for what he is telling you and feeling hopeless...as I mentioned...all people having affairs say those sorts of things. And, all BS's tend to believe them. It may be that for the moment, he does actually feel those things but it still doesn't make it true. He's an addict, pure and simple...talking through his drugs.

Don't buy into all this stuff he's spewing. Although, it will do you absolutely no good to argue with him about it. Every single word your WH says right now is to make you leave him alone and let him carry on with this OW.

Hello DAMW,
I'm in the middle of dealing with my wife's ongoing affair -- and she's spewing similar stuff about not wanting our marriage etc. I found Family Cyber Alert to be a very effective and discreet keylogger. Very best wishes (also with your child),
ii

Along with this please read this.
Keylogger Programs

Hi thanks so much for the info. I will give it a try. Best wishes for you as well!

I think everyone here is right about WH lying all the time. My husband has said things that are totally contradictory. He also changes his mind back and forth. Today he told me that this was not the first time he cheated. There was a one-night stand several years ago. I suspected that he had physical activities with that woman at that time, but he always denied it. Now he's telling the truth. By the way, that was another woman from the one in the current affair. He also told me today that he didn't like anything else but women and that he wanted freedom so that he could date more women. He said life is short and we shouldn't take it too seriously. Sleeping around is like having regular meals and it's not a big deal. He said if I didn't want a divorce, that's fine with him, but I would have to live with the fact that he would continue to date other women.
I do have a separation agreement ready. If I have to go in that direction, I will.

dontask, you do have to go in that direction. There is nothing more to wait for. The ONLY hope you have is if your husband fully and completely commits to a program of recovery that includes a radical change in his behavior. He has told you up front that he will continue to have affairs. That makes him a dangerous man. Not only is he exposing you to STDs, but he is harming your mental and physical health. His behavior is so abusive that Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, advises that women completely separate from adulterous husbands after 3 to 4 weeks.

I would strongly advise you to ask him to leave. Ask him to move out and then go into Plan B. File for divorce and get legal protection in place. I am so sorry, but this is hopeless unless he commits to making radical changes. He has no intention of doing so and has been quite open about this.

Check this out: What Are Plan A and Plan B?