I've been married to a retired military guy for 31 years. Last year I was diagnosed with breast cancer and my husband had to move to another state for job reasons. He left before my chemo treatment started. Long story short, this past April he informed me over the telephone that he was having an affair with some woman that he met at the bike club where his biker buddies hang out at. And that he also had move in with her. So basically this relationship started between the time he join the new club and him coming back home for a surgery that I had have. Anyway, he told me that he is single and happy and will not give this new relationship up. I am totally lost, the rug has been pulled out from under me because I thought we were fine. He has totally broken my heart. And to make matters worse, I find out that two of his family members and a mutual friend of ours new about this. I was the last to find out along with our son's. I honestly believe that he is going thru a mid-life crisis and at the sametime he couldn't handle my cancer diagnosis (both his parents passed away from cancer, my mom was diagnosed with it at the sametime as me and my dad died from it)and with his age, I think he wanted to do something to feel young again. I am not trying to excuse what he has done. I don't even understand it. He made the decision to end our marriage for the both of us, without any conversation with me. I can't fight for our marriage when we live in separate states and he is living with this other woman. He has thrown our life way with a snap of his fingers. Any advice as to how I can survive this and not cause myself anymore health issues? Thanks!

I asked him why did he send it, and he stated that he wanted to know if I would buy him out! I called him at work and told him to back off and if his girlfriend was putting him up to this to tell her to back off too. I was not going to be rushed into doing anything drastic (like filing for a divorce, etc.)

He has totally broken my heart.

And to make matters worse, I find out that two of his family members and a mutual friend of ours new about this.

Any advice as to how I can survive this and not cause myself anymore health issues? Thanks!

HOW TO PLAN B CORRECTLY
This is for those who need to go into Plan B and need quick, concise instructions. There is a lot of confusion on how to go into Plan B and what a correct Plan B actually looks like.

TIMING
~Do not go into Plan B quickly. It takes time to prep for Plan B. I went into Plan B in about 48 hours from the time I discovered we had been in a false recovery, and that�s really the quickest you can expect to be able to do this and do a good job of getting all of your ducks in a row. Except for eating and sleeping, I worked on getting ready for Plan B for those whole 48 hours, too. Prepping for Plan B is CRUCIAL and it takes a lot of TIME. Do not skimp on your planning otherwise it will backfire on you. Once you give that PBL to your WS, you want to be able to stay completely dark.

DETAILS ON HOUSING
~DO NOT worry about where the WS is going to live or how he/she is going to pay for it. This is not the BS�s problem. A WS should never be shielded from the consequences of their affair, and this is indeed a consequence. Only worry about yourself and your children at this point. If the WS was able to carry on in an affair all by him/herself, he/she can certainly figure this out. You have enough to worry about.

INTERMEDIARY (IM)
~Find an IM. There is no substitute for this. Do not underestimate the importance of an IM. Do not think �only� text messages or �only� emails are acceptable. They aren�t. YOU MUST FIND AN IM. It can be a family member, a friend or (best bet) someone from MB. A CLOSE family member (parent or in-law) isn�t recommended ~ they are usually not able to stay neutral enough and if you get into recovery this could be difficult.

IM�s ROLE
~An IM�s sole purpose is to be a SPAM FILTER (Steve Harley�s words), allowing only communication that fits the boundaries set forth in Plan B (i.e., regarding children and finances ONLY). It�s usually recommended that most of the communicating be done via email, that way everything is in writing. Phone calls and text messages are permissible but most find emailing easiest. My IM re-wrote emails between us in her own words in order to avoid any emotional tones/responses.

They do not share any other info the WS sends, regardless of how benign the content. ONLY pertinent info is to be sent through to the BS. The IM is also not to share any info about the BS with the WS. Pertinent info about children and finances only should be passed back and forth.

The IM is to remain neutral...just a messenger sending info on, no reactions.

If the WS sends something inappropriate, the IM is to thank the WS for the communication, but let the WS know it will not be shared with the BS and refer the WS back to the PBL.

If the WS tries to contact the BS in any way, the IM is to tell the WS that the BS has not opened/listened to whatever it is, and the IM is to refer the WS back to the IM for all communication.

CHANGING THE LOCKS ON YOUR HOUSE
~This is very important so that the WS cannot come back into the marital home whenever he/she pleases. I called a locksmith out at about 10:00 pm on a Saturday night, he was very helpful. I didn�t have cash and didn�t want my WH to see on our credit card that I had called a locksmith, so he even followed me to a nearby grocery store to pull money out. He was very accommodating and seemed to understand that I was in trouble.

A second option instead of changing the locks is to simply put a deadbolt on any door to which the WS has a key. Also, if there is a garage door opener with a keypad, the keypad code needs to be changed. If you don�t have a keypad (only openers) and the WS has one, make sure to deadbolt/change the lock on the door between the garage and house. It is legal to change the locks on your own home, so do not be concerned about this.

PLAN B LETTER
~Write a �love letter� to your WS. Mention some particularly good memories the two of you have (vacations, special holiday traditions, silly moments).

Mention how hurt you are over the affair but that you are still willing to try to recover because of the love you have shared in the past. In one brief sentence state that you are not willing to do this until the A is over for good and that when it is, the WS is free to let the IM know and the IM can pass this info on to you.

Tell your WS that the pain is too great to be in contact with them while the A is continuing and because of that, you need to protect yourself.

Close the letter with �I love you and will be praying for you� or something similar.

Curtail the letter to your situation. This is a �love letter� so do not add any specifics on how PB will be carried out ~ those will go in an addendum to your PBL. It�s best if this letter is in your own handwriting rather than typed.

ADDENDUM
~In the addendum will be the logistics of how full NC between the BS and WS will be carried out. Here you will list the drop off and pick up points of children, who will be your IM, how the financial obligations will work. This is NOT part of your PBL, but it WILL be given to the WS when the PBL is delivered.

In the addendum you will also let the WS know that you have packed up all of THEIR personal belongings (no household items) and that the WS's boxes will be left __________ (on the front porch or driveway, second option would be a friend or family member's home) until ________ (usually 2-3 days from the time the letter is given). I packed up all of my H's belongings in about 30 minutes. This shouldn't take long.

IF THE WS ATTEMPTS CONTACT
IGNORE HIM/HER if it comes in the form of a phone call, email, text message, etc. Let the IM know and ask the IM to reiterate to the WS again that all contact MUST go through the IM.

If it�s in person, walk away. My H caught me in our garage one day, he was early picking the kids up and I was not yet locked in the safety of the house. He commented that he liked my new haircut. I smiled and quickly walked in the house. I did NOT talk to him or thank him for the compliment.