New here, but lurking for 4 weeks since D-day.

I discovered the affair. It was with a friend and co-worker, lasted 6-8 weeks (the physical bit anyway). Coincided with H losing company he foundEd. The company was his life and passion. I'm a giver. Big time. I made decisions throughout my life to support him and our union. This makes the betrayal hurt even more. My soul has been ripped out and I'm left looking at this emotionally-incapable person with whom I made an implicit contract with 18 years ago to either not have needs (as he has done) or to get them met elsewhere (as I have done w friends, activities, my children. The affair has woken him up. It's possible for him to have emotions!! But it took a very specific person to do that for him... My analysis is that losing his compan forced his emotions, and she was there to catch them. Our 18 year pattern and increasing distance w work & kids kept him from coming to me. His perspective: she's special, passionate, understands him better than he understands himself. He fell in love for the first time in his life.

Yet - he ended it. A little more than 3 weeks ago now. He's in IC (me too) and we're in MC. He loves me but isn't "in love". He values his family. He wants to have he same relationship he had with her. Wants to know if we can have it together - is willing to explore for the summer. If deemed not possible or our relationship is fundamentally flawed, the implication is that we will split.

My reaction. He loves someone else!!! I thought I was over the anger/hurt/self-pity... Then it hits me again last night like a ton of bricks. I hate this person. He has been a closed and selfish jerk for 18 years - and he we go again! I have to somehow live up to the ideal set by this OW. It's all about him. I want to murder my giver for good. I left the house today. I am finding it impossible to see around my emotions. A conversation with a mutual friend this morning turned on my Taker.

I am complete lost in how to balance the two. I have never been a Take in our relationship. I don't know how to put my heart into recovery when he is there with only one foot in ready to "explore" and letting him do that feels like I have to repeat my "give" pattern... Which is a critical piece in how this all turned to crap.

Any idea how to start doing the work without forgiveness or a desire to be with his person who has never given to me emotionally???

Are you wanting to commit to recovery? There's nothing that says you have to.

If you want to commit to recovery, you and your husband only have to follow the MB program to the letter, and your feelings will follow.

Welcome to MB, Donegiving. I am very sorry to hear about the affair.

Yes, we do have an idea how to start the work of recovery. It involves using Dr Harley's method as outlined in the article How to Survive an Affair. You will see that there are 3 steps outlined. I also recommend that you get the book from which this chapter is taken, His Needs, Her Needs (2011 Edition), and the book Surviving an Affair. You can order them from the bookshop on this website, or from Amazon, and also many booksellers and libraries have them.

You mention that you are in marriage counselling. Could you tell us what this involves? Do you see your counsellor together as a couple? What do you talk about? Does your counsellor have a plan to help you restore your marriage? What does the plan consist of?

Who is his OW? Is she married?

Who was it exposed to?

Did he write a NC letter?
Exposure 101

Donegiving, what is he doing toward recovery at this point?

Donegiving what snooping tools are in place?

This does not sound like a repentant man, more like a cake eater who wants both women working hard to adore him.

Breaking off with her, and then telling you he wants the M to resemble the disgusting adultery - means he has you both panicking and working hard to keep him.

Is there anything prevent her contacting him? Does he have same numbers etc?

Btw, waywards love counselling. They get to talk about them, their unhappiness and how they deserve forgiveness.

Quit the counselling and get him working hard on amends and giving you a great marriage!

What is he DOING as opposed to saying?

And snoop like a bloodhound

Please read this.

Please explain gaslighting

Welcome, donegiving. So sorry to see you here. My WH and I are working on our recovery and I have yet to forgive him. For me, he needs to earn my forgiveness.

Please listen to this radio clip of Dr. H telling the steps of fighting an affair and the first step is exposure.

Radio clip on Killing the affair with exposure and Dr. H's feelings on affairs.

Another excellent radio clip on Dr. Harley explaining forgiveness compared to just compensation.

Radio Clip explaining Just Compensation