P.s. the reason he wants to get the divorce is so he can marry the OW. He is not telling you the truth because he doesn't want you to give him any trouble in the divorce. It will be much easier for him to dump you for the OW if you just cooperate.

hello beckers. i am sorry you are here.

i have just finished reading your thread. when i got to "this was not his first affair," my mouth literally fell open.

you often say "we" when what you really mean is *you." and that unconditional love you're full of? that is FEAR. you are scared to death of what he's going to do, and you are desperate to hang on until he gets wise enough to perform his own rectal/cranial extraction. this will never happen. he is cake eating and gaslighting you big time. i am very sorry. i know this sucks to hear. but from outside the situation, we can see it. you are so lucky to have ML posting to you. she's no-nonsense and will tell you like it is. it is hard not to hear commiseration, but pity is not what you need. you need the straight truth, no holds barred.

you aren't going to like much of what you hear. take heart in it. what hurts the most is usually the truest. it's hard to face, but you can do it! you are better than to sit at home waiting for him to get his chit together. you need to take charge, embrace empowerment, and start acting, not grasping the breadcrumbs, like a starving sparrow, he is tossing your way.

get the book SAA. read it cover to cover. then come back and post your questions. you will have many.

This is not flattery to you. Your WH is attempting to manipulate you into not holding his "feet to the fire".
Because he wants you to "lovingly" point him in the right direction.

It is the same with the divorce proceedings. Yup, he would not be the first WH to promise "relationship" after the divorce, usually an attempt at having the spouse "go easy" and sign the divorce petition -- then get left eating dust after the ruling.

There is a website I will not mention, that advises this as a way to pacify a divorce partner who is reluctant to divorce.

I mean this in the nicest way, but are you buying these lines?

He is very foggy, he wants a nice, friendly divorce-- so you will just go away easily. Oh, unles it is a moment that he wants/needs something from you (we call it eating cake)

Then I am sure he will come around.
Do not listen to his fog.

Welcome, I am glad you are here. There are a lot of people who have been in your shoes who will help you here. [/quote]

I just saw this post this morning. No, I do not buy his lines. I was just quoting what he had said. Actually, when he said the thing about me being his counselor, I laughed out loud. Not because of "flattery" but because I thought it was absolutely ridiculous. As for the "divorce, but work things out" part, I didn't buy that either. I had never heard of such a thing, so I wanted to know if that was a common thing or he had just fallen off his rocker. Obviously, he fell off his rocker, 'cause even he has backtracked on that "plan" and said he was stupid for saying it. Whatever. I have actually given up on listening to most things he says, unless he has actions that back up his words. Actions are all I am looking for now. Words without actions mean nothing.

I appreciate all of the advice and information that everyone has given me on here. It will be very helpful. He is supposed to come by tonight after he gets off work, so I will try to go over a lot of it with him.

Beckers, check out what it looks like when a wayward husband comes home and is serious:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964228#Post1964228

Please take what MelodyLane is saying very seriously.

Beckers -- you are very naive.



This cannot be done. The courts cannot require an insurance company to alter their CONTRACTS in this manner. You are either eligible for insurance or you are not. And just because your husband wants you to be -- is not a reason.

Melody is exactly right. He wants to continue the divorce as a way to become available to OW. She has likely "ended" things because he wasn't getting divorced.

Him living with your FIL is also a bad idea. It hasn't stopped his affair so far, has it?

Your "waiting" is a very bad position to bargain from.
You need boundries.

Which gives him a personal free pass to behave badly. "Well, shucks, I'm a bad guy, so it's no suprise I'm behaving badly." This doesn't wash. He doesn't get a free pass for this. Make sure he knows this.

If a person wants to be an upstanding citizen and a faithful husband, he had to BE one.

I appreciate your concern about insurance. Will it still cover you if you are divorced?

Lexxy is correct. Have you checked this out for yourself?

So, your kids and dogs are a priority that you are willing to threaten your marriage over.
Do you think it is more important that your son play with fading baseball players than it is for him to be a part of an intact family?