Hello.

My story is complicated as is everyone else's I'm sure. Here is the short version.

Married 25 years. Two kids..17 and 24. We both cheated on each other. My H came out to me after I came out to him. Said he felt bad and didn't want me to think I was the only one. I own my part in everything and so does he.

We separated 1.5 years ago. I have been trying (way too hard) since six months after our separation. He did try for the first two months we were separated and I didn't want to. I own that.

For a year now..he has been involved with three different women. When one would end the relationship he would think about tryng with me for about five minutes..then the next one would come and he would say he didn't want to.

Now I am getting all the "I was never happy...we wouldn't be good together anymore...I've moved on you should too" talk.

I have chosen to not date during all of this..but he constantly tells me I should date..that maybe it would help me let go of him.

I guess what I'm looking for is an opinion of do you think he really means all of that or could it be fog?

He hasn't filed for divorce yet, although he says he is going to do it soon. I have probably left out some stuff but there is so much in my head I sometimes don't even know what day it is.
Thank you.

Welcome Jane.

Have you filed for D? Do you still interact with him?

Do you want to stay in this marital limbo?

Have you read these? A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Couples
How To Survive An Affair

BrainHurts,

No, I haven't filed because I would like to save our marriage. I don't really interact with him unless it involves our kids..which isn't often because they are older.

And no I don't want to stay in limbo...but I feel like if I file I am giving up. That is what he wants.

I have read most everything on this site. I am just having a super hard time with it all.

Have you exposed his affairs? Are any of his OW married?

If you want to fight for your marriage then you need to expose. That would be your first step. Exposure 101

You're in what we call Plan C which is not Marriage Builders. BSs... Plan C is not Marriage Builders

Please read all of the threads I've posted.
Conflict Avoidance is the kiss of death

If you've read everything you should know about exposure, correct?

Yes I have read all about that. There is nothing to expose.

Well, the first one was married and I did expose that one and it blew up in my face. I got blamed for all of that. But he is on to #3 and she is divorced. And everybody already knows about it...his friends...his family.

She has met our kids and they do stuff together. His family knows. Nobody thinks of it as an "affair". We aren't together so he is in a "new relationship". I'm the only person that thinks of it that way.

I didn't know about Plan C..so I'll read up on that one. And I will read your other link.

After reading, I realize I have been Plan A'ing him for about a year and a half. And I feel like crap. He acts like he doesn't give a care in the world about me. And since his new gf has come along he spends even less time with our youngest. Only the required e/o weekend. He used to do dinner during the week...not anymore.

Ok, yes I guess I fall into Plan C. Or Plan A, C.

I have totally embarassesed myself for over a year. I have begged..cried...just about done it all to get him back. And I have done nothing but pushed him away. So, what do I do now?

Jane,

I am no expert by any means. U am still a learner but when I see an opportunity to try and help others, I do. I think you need to go into a deep dark plan B with your H with a plan D option. Filing for divorce is not necessarily te end but it us protection for yourself and will let your H know you are serious about ending your marriage if things don't change.

From what I know from my own research on tjis site, it is not healthy for women to be in a plan A for too long. A year and a half is way too long. I think your H is doing some major cake eating. He can have OW on the side but know that you are there waiting if things doubt work out. In addition he feels no accountability for what he is doing because you are "seperated".

Time to plan B for you and your kids.

When you listen to those clips at the end of the Plan C thread you will hear Dr. H explaining how BW should only be in Plan A for 3 weeks. The concern for your health.

I would see a lawyer and prepare for Plan B. I would have your lawyer put in the decree he can't bring OW around your kids.

The reason he doesn't give a crap is because he has two women filling his EN. You need to cut off contact to protect your lovebank and let OW fill all his needs. When she can't do that the affair will explode and die a natural death.

Do you understand the concept of the lovebank and making deposits? That meeting his most important emotional needs (in they way he wants them met) will cause him to fall in love with you?

If he is detached, and you aren't meeting any of his needs on a daily basis -- then your lovebank account is low with him and he will likely be disinterested in pursuing recovery with you.

If your goal is to recover your marriage -- start with meeting his top emotional needs. Read the articles here! It will give you tips on what men typically have in their top list. Brainstorm on ways to meet those needs.

Crying and Begging are not attractive. What can you do to attract him? His most enjoyable time needs to be spent with you.

You go into Plan B as you file for D.
How To Prepare for Plan B
Plan B letter samples
IM training school

I don't know about that, after a year and a half of this cake-eating. I think that Jane needs to go to Plan B as soon as possible.

Also while you preparing for Plan B still continue Plan A up until the moment you go to Plan B. Carrot and Stick of Plan A You need to make it a short one just a day or so.

Can you do this? Get into a dark plan B?

Parallel Parenting

If she has never done a PROPER Plan A, she needs to implement that first. So that his memories and thoughts of her will be pleasant prior to going dark.

I don't think I can do a "proper plan a" because he won't even talk to me or anything anymore. If I do a Plan B, I think it will make him happier...that's what he wants. He wants me to go away.

Thank you for all of your responses. I am going to re-read some stuff and get myself together. The long Plan A has definitely left me depleted.

I encourage Plan B ... cut him loose. I agree his lovebank with you is empty.

As hard as it is to let go of him ... he isn't good marriage material at this moment. He isn't even good dating material at this moment.

He is simply acting like an adolescent in a 40 year old man's body.

Plan B is to protect and heal you. In time you will see this boy for what he is "not a man"!!!

He is a low bottom wayward. He will have to lose everything and some in order to realize what he lost.

You, my friend, need to get yourself on the path to recovery. Personal recovery. That starts by cutting all toxic people out of your life. I encourage you to read and study Buyer, Renter, and Freeloader, Lovebusters, and Giver/Taker.

Those three books will give you a path back to cleaning up your side of the fence. Healing yourself is the goal.

It is hard to let this man go ... it will be the hardest and most painful thing you do...IT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE.

I suspect he has been immature like this most of your marriage. He has lots and lots of work he needs to do ... first he has to be willing to make the changes in himself. He has to hit rock bottom, and the quicker you get out of his way. The quicker he will get there.

Be strong ... also be kind to yourself. Give yourself the gift of love ... Plan B.

Jane99,

What is the timeline for your mutual affairs did yours occur a long while ago.

God Bless
Gamma

Jane, I would suggest you dump this loser. Read here: When to Call it Quits

Then you need to go to Plan B.

Did you read the Plan B links I posted? To prepare you for Plan B?

Prayincesantly,

I realize that he isn't good marriage or dating material..and I do know that...so why is it that I still want him back? My family says it's because I felt safe and secure for 25 years. And I guess that is right. I did. Even though we did have communication problems. I will definitely get those books and start reading them.


I know I need help.

Gamma,
Mine was 2 years ago and when I told him he told me about his-- 3-4 years prior. I had found out about that--I'm the one that blew it up..but he had always told me it never went physical..but it did.

I think I am having such a hard time because I realize that we have both made mistakes but I feel like him and I..and our children are worth it to put this all back together. I know we can do it. But he doesn't feel the same. Sometimes I feel as if I don't know him anymore. I'm sure he felt the same way about me at times too.

Thank you all for your helpful responses. I am trying to read everything you all have suggested as fast as I can.

And I am going to do a Plan B. I need myself back.