As I say, I have exposed to my own family and to my husband's. Perhaps you mean to our children who have not yet been exposed. I believe that has to happen. Right now I know it will be hard to make it happen because so much time has passed and I can tell my husband wants to just move on.

Exposing to the church family beyond the few we have already told is dicey. There are ways in which my husband felt quite hurt over the years by the leadership, who did not always view him the way he wanted them to. Although in some ways I don't agree with his point of view, in other ways I definitely do. To return after 8 months and start talking to people about the EA seems unworkable because it puts him back into those unresolved issues apart from the EA.

"Emotional affair" is a term that not everyone is familiar with.I wasn't familiar with it until I got hurt by one. I am certain many people at the church would not even view what happened as an affair, and would think I was exaggerating my hurt. That the EA would precipitate our well-known family permanently out of the church community would seem ridiculous to most. And I don't think the leadership would back me up, as I have said.

To be repeatedly explaining the threat and hurt I felt to a series of friends, and describing the degradation of my husband's personality and treatment of me as the affair progressed, would not compute well.

My own family listened to what I was telling them with incomplete understanding. At the nadir of the whole thing in early October 2011, when my husband wanted to go away to see his family for a few days WITHOUT me, one of my older relatives thought I should let him go -- and I knew, not just from MB but from my internal threat-o-meter, what a terrible idea that was. I would have expected my own family to understand better than that. I did go with him to see his family (this was after I had, at last, called them and told them what was going on because my husband's behavior got SO weird).

What I'm saying is that I would not expect to meet understanding if I went back to other members of the church family.

I have written out for myself all that happened so many times, and tried to cut it down so many times, that I find I have left some important info out of earlier posts. Here's a piece: I did tell two other church friends about it in April, older women with whom I still pray once a week. I had not intended to tell them, but needed to -- could not take the internal pressure. They did understand, and agreed my husband and I could not return to the church community.

I haven't told you half of how twisted this whole thing got. At one point early in 2011, before I rediscovered the EA, my husband was acting as go-between, taking messages between OW and her BH, ostensibly counseling them by Internet and phone-- all without telling me, because I "wouldn't understand." (In that same time period I was saying to my husband not to get involved with that family's troubles again.) I believe that OW's BH was self-deceived enough to accept such crazy procedures, and if he heard now that the relationship is considered a serious EA, I don't think he would react calmly; he has abused OW physically in the past, and I just don't see him as stable before such a revelation.

Consequently, the step of formally telling OW and her family in a letter that they must never have anything to do with us or our family again has not yet happened.

As I write, I DO feel more and more that there are a few closer church friends that we should find a way to tell, not so much to expose though exposure is good, but because they are our friends and keeping secrets from them is not fair nor wise.

My husband would resist extremely. Despite all his words to me about how I didn't have friends and so couldn't understand his wonderful friendship with OW, in fact his friendships do not contain nearly the degree of self-exposure and reality checking that is needed to induce deep trust between friends.

As I write, I believe I have failed to demand the level of honesty from my husband that I really need, from the get-go. His ways of resisting that demand includes saying things like, "I just can't live up to your standards!" -- especially when I wanted him to stop making independent money decisions (though he never gambled etc., always did stuff for the family, just didn't work with me to see if what he had in mind was possible considering the OTHER things we had already decided to take on).

I have a habit of accommodating intolerable behavior and finding ways to make a situation work around it.

There is so much more work for me to do on my marriage and on being a person who could have a marriage at the MB level. Thank you for your patience.

Struggling,

Exposure does not involve you having to Educate people as to what actions constitute an A and what actions don't,

You expose by giving clear facts and evidence as to any contact you observed and know of that made you feel uncomfortable and put your marriage at risk.

No one here is telling you to tell the people at church anything about your hurt, suffering etc. what we are asking you to do is let the people at church know WHY you left and give them a chance to hold their so called pastor accountable.

Expos� because you need to ensure long term and permanent NC between your WH and the OM.

Expos� because the OWBS has a right to know that his marriage is at risk because his wife has no boundaries.

Expos� because the pople at your church have a right to know about how dangerous the OW is and they can protect their H from her.

Expos� because you need to stand up for your marriage and what is right.

Expos� because your H needs to realise the full consequences of his actions and see fully what people think of married men who befriend marrid women and risk destroying their marriage.

I could write 1000 reasons why you need to expose. But I fear that you have landed yourself in a false recovery and all the while your accepting the denials and the little breadcrumbs your WH throws your way from time to time you won't be in a position to see that your marriage is still in serious trouble and you have a whole lot more pain coming your way at the hands of your WH unless you set the bar high and demand what is absolutely necessary from him to recover the marriage. Starting with a full NC letter from your WH to th OW.

You really need to stop making excuses and accepting his bad behaviour. For example you stating that he has a hard time admitting fault and has had issues with church leaders before is not really relevant. Who cares about how he used to feel about church leaders of a church your no longer part of??? How is that in any way relevant as an excuse not to expose?

If he can't accept fault that his problem not yours, what are you supposed to do for the rest of your married life?? Accept everything is everyone else's fault and keep covering up and defending him even when it's crystal clear he's done something wrong?? Your his WIFE not mother, he's a big boy and needs to be left to see and deal with the consequences of his actions..

Unfortunately, affairs, emotional and physical, are very common in churches. You will need to leave that church.

He, and you, cannot return to that church. There are other churches. Go to one of them. Your goal is not to meet understanding. Your goal is to inform. Your husband needs to write this letter, and it needs to be done now.

I get the impression that you are very concerned about your relationship with your current church family. You shouldn't be. Your first concern should be with your OWN family - not your CHURCH family.

ITA. good post, NB.

NB28,
You're right on all counts and I am ready to start the work.
I woke in the middle of the night and realized how fearful and accommodating I am.
Because I dexterously accommodate to avoid conflict, I produce confusion and extend mistreatment.
In the night the words came to me: "If somebody does something egregiously wrong, the truth must be spoken to all stakeholders." This is a different phraseology for what all of you at MB are saying.
Maybe I needed to understand it in words of my own.
Thank you.
My husband is off on Friday. I told him I need to speak to him. I don't think it will be easy, but not that hard, either.

MaritalBliss,

Thank you for your clear statements.

My husband is off in a few days and I told him we have to talk. He knows I mean a serious talk that will take time.

My goal is to get the letter to OW written then. Also to say that I think he should call back the friends whom we have left hanging and tell them the truth -- in whatever form that may take, talking by phone, us going to see them, whatever.

Also to explain that I am not willing to keep our children in the dark anymore, but feel they need to understand why we can no longer have any contact with OW's family in any way.

They were our friends. Despite my anger and hurt, it is also very sad to me to see how that family deteriorated and lose the friendship.

It's true that I am concerned about my relationship with the church family. I love those people very much, and they love us.

Our church is not a place where we went and got a dose of worship on Sundays. It really is a family. My husband's involvement with my friend, whom I really loved, is just about as painful as if he had gotten involved with my sister.

I now believe my concern about whether the church family will view me negatively is false. The two friends I pray with once a week understood very well. Others will understand too.

Even if they don't, as you say, the issue here is the truth.

Having to leave that place for something so stupid and avoidable as an EA is to waste years of support and of valid relationship-building with my friends. If my acceptance of departure is slow, it is because I have to leave behind so much for such a low-down reason.

I have to accept it and move on in the Lord.

I told one of our distant-resident adult children about it yesterday. I didn't get shock as a response, but relief and some resentment that we had kept silent so long -- "I figured it was either that or a conflict with [OW]'s children" -- who are not doing well. This child also shared some perceptions about church that surprised me; didn't think the negative changes would have been that obvious to such a young person.

My early life involved certain types of abuse and secret-keeping. Guess it became ingrained in my personality. Freedom from secrets is a relief.

This is the exact reason Dr. Harley stresses the importance of exposing to the children (age appropriate of course). He says we should tell children as young as four.

Children are smart and very perceptive and for people to think "they can't handle the truth" are underestimating their children.

Secrets will destroy a family.

Last night I had an unexpected opportunity to speak to my husband and took it. Explained that I was wrong back in October not to take counselor's suggestion of a no-contact phone call or letter.

At that time I didn't want my husband to initiate ANY contact with OW -- I said back then that IF she contacted him, tell her then that all contact should stop.

Last night I explained to my husband: now I realize that no NCl left the situation undefined; that it would be healthier not only for us, but for OW and her family, to define the boundary absolutely.

I told him of my conversation with our adult child who lives away. I asked that we speak to our other two away children.

Husband quite upset with me. Says "No contact forever is punitive, unforgiving, like you're bound and can never be free." He does not believe counselor meant NC permanently.

I said unforgiveness is not the issue, but recognizing the nature of what happened and setting both families free to go separate directions.

He is very concerned about exposure. Said to me, "I would never tell the children all your sins! You could sleep with another man and I wouldn't tell them."

I said, "But you SHOULD."

His dad was severely alcoholic; my dad committed some abuses against me and my sibs, especially emotional, at one point low-grade sexual; both his family and mine were raised never talking about these things outside family or even to each other. In adulthood we finally spoke to counselors and each other and found healing.

Secrecy is very ingrained in us and confused with honor. MB has strengthened me to end this.

I keep remembering the many places that scripture tells us to call each other out when we sin (Leviticus 19:17 Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in his guilt.; Luke 17:3 If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.; the structure outlined in Matthew 18:15-18; Galations 6:1 Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.).

With much appreciation for your help and prayers.

NB28,
Rereading your summary of my initial post with appreciation.

Today my WH and I have had little time to talk aside from his expression of anger at me before he left for work. He came home in a couple of hours b/c he has a pestering joint. Spent most of the day with our adult live-at-home child -- went to work with child, came home, desultory conversation, went to sleep on couch. He is genuinely tired, but I also know these are avoidance tactics.

Tomorrow I will insist on NCL and present idea that what our kids need is for their dad to model how to cope head-on with truth, not confuse cover-ups with protection.

I noticed on another post that the Harleys do not counsel couples together as they feel it is damaging. Wow, do I confirm that! I will tell my WH, b/c if he knew the counseling was separate, he just might go for it.

About ready to change my display name from Strugglg2moveon and use Addictd2Truth instead. I can never go back to my former ways of compromising truth in order to reduce conflict.

No, it's not. It's really quite simple. You meet with them and you tell them.

This is totally irrelevant to your current situation. Ignore this and don't involve your childhood or any other youthful dynamic. It doesn't apply to unfaithfulness as a married person.

Hi, Maritalbliss,
My husband just walked out on me with his laptop and a packed bag of clothes.

He is off today and tomorrow. I talked to him this morning and said again that a no contact letter and telling our other adult kids the truth were needed for me to move on. At first he said that it was not needed and that it would make him look really bad; also make OW look bad; and the whole matter wasn't so bad.

I tried to answer these objections by pointing out that the adult child I talked to did not react at all by thinking Dad is bad; rather, relieved and "oh, okay." This child called my husband yesterday to say, "I love you," but my husband just said, "I'll call back" -- which he has not yet done.

Goodness, my husband just came back home and said he would be talking to all the members of my family.

Heck, I'll keep you posted. Thank you, Maritalbliss.

Struggling I suggest you are present when your WH tells anyone,

At this point he has shown himself to be still foggy/wayward and he is still somehow fighting you on any steps you ask him to take regarding recovery, therefore he is not at the stage where you can trust that he will tell anyone the truth as it happened rather than 'his version' of events.

Thank you, NB28,

I totally agree with how you assess my husband's state of mind.

I kept a longstanding lunch date with a church friend and this time I told her exactly what had made us leave and named names. She wept with relief that I trusted her (and I cried some too). She completely understood why the NCL should happen and why we could not return to church. All my fears of unleashing this secret were groundless.

My family (meaning on my mom's and my side -- not that many of them) were apprised of the whole mess in October. I wish my husband WOULD call them. I felt uncertain of how folks in my church would react, but I know for certain my family would do what his own sibs did -- urge him to follow through with NCL and truth as I ask.

Just talked to my mom and feel so free to continue exposure as the Lord leads.

My husband just texted me b/c he wants to be there when an away child arrives at airport tonight. I texted of course he should be there.

So we are communicating a little.

We are in a spiritual battle but I will persist. I believe it will end well (though I also realize diligence for truth as described by Marriage Builders will be the permanent approach by which our marriage must now operate).

Husband home. Lots of talk with all kids except for one on plane. We'll see that one soon.

WH did give his version of events. But our kids and I have always had very open communication so I was able to speak w/each and present what occurred from my point of view. Oldest pretty concerned "about the extend of the damage that seems to have occurred."

Think I am a bit numb. A few minutes ago, late at night here, WH said he had to get something from car (only he uses that car). Came back shortly, went into bathroom. I asked what he got and he hesitated before answering it was his nose makeup to cover a blemish; then a moment later saying it he also got his Bluetooth b/c he had left it in the car to charge . . . but I thought he used it for an hour to talk to our oldest tonight. . . . Red flag? Or am I hypersuspicious? I'll find out.

Did not approach topic of EA yesterday b/c the one child left to tell came home from extended absence and spent most of yesterday sleeping. We will talk today. Too bad it is Father's Day.

I know MaritalBliss believes my husband's and my growing-up family training in hiding our fathers' sins is irrelevant. But why else would I permit myself to be mistreated for so long? Shame and habits of covering up.

I think EAs and PAs are common in churches, where families are close, because there is unspoken common belief in hiding sin -- terrible bondage to lifeling habits of fear and shame -- and NOT enough practice of Ephesians 4:15 ("Instead, speaking the truth in love . . . ") and Eph 4:25 ("Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor") as well as Eph 5:11 ("have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness but rather expose them").

This is a new beginning for me. I will never go back to my confused, helpless past.

Have not yet exposed to just-home child -- very tough extended college semester, sleeping a lot.

Talked to WH this afternoon. Absolutely refuses NCL -- "It wouldn't be Christian. It leaves no room for future reconciliation and forgiveness."

Still upset I talked to kids. Explained I've talked to three friends, all of whom reacted not with horror, but with love, concern, and complete understanding of why we cannot return to the church.

WH still wants to claim that we left b/c of his own disagreements with leadership (which he has complained of many years but which did not result in departure) instead of b/c I could not go there while OW remains.

WH says I do not respect him for disagreeing about NCL and that I am forcing our kids to choose between us because he and I are not a united front about NCL or even exposure.

He says he has had no contact w/OW and that he avoids talking to church friends b/c of what I might suspect. I know he knows I would want him to talk to friends about the EA b/c they would urge against it.

Three years ago, even one year ago, even 9 months ago I thought he really would leave me if I exposed; and I was ashamed and afraid everyone would think I must be an awful wife; and I was uncertain it was anyone else's business. An EA seems too deeply personal to tell to any but a few.

How wrong I was.

I would love to change/delete my initial post. I don't see how to. It is ridiculously long -- I was fearful of leaving out important details, couldn't select the important ones well -- now it annoys me whenever I come here.

Husband just walked out on me -- he absolutely resists NCL and is angry about telling kids -- just went out with our youngest child (age 20) -- praying.