Welcome to MB! I see you have been here before. my suggestion would be to have you and your hubby read teh books "His Needs Her Needs" and "Lovebusters" TOGETHER! .... OUTLOUD. Then discuss each chapter and highlight things that stand out to you diring your conversations about the chapters.

I would then print out 2x of EACH of the questionairs fill them out and exchange them. Schedual or plan to get in 15hours a week of UA time (reading outloud makes great UA time). Filling the needs of intimate conversation, sexual fulfillment, affection and recreational companionship. WIthout the UA time (without kids, family and friends) its hard to build your intimacy up and WANT to be together. I would get started on the things the ppl here have suggested ASAP. If your having a hard time getting your hubby motivated PHONE the coaching center. I hear Steve Harley is GREAT at motivating hubbies.

I would also suggest (i see others have noted that your hubby had an EA once) that you put a keylogger on your PC and verify your hubbies activites until you are blue in the face and bored of not finding anything. If you do find MORE stuff thats inappropriate bring it here so we can advice you of your next steps. OR if your hubby is SO sure hes being faithful .. tell your hubby your going to keylog the PCs.

MNG

**edit**

I read all those quotes from his email. I also read the rest of it.

Look closely at this:
"**, will i.........given the chance i will and i understand it will take time.**"

What does he mean, given the chance he will? He has the chance right now, right?

His email is long on words and short on actions.

Very nice post Marcos.

First off, thank you to all that have offered their insights and suggestions.

I did want to briefly comment on the quote above about "strikes". I had told him in my conversation/email to him that I felt like I was at the "3 strikes, your out, call the game" mindset. I told him I also felt he/we/I had used 2.5 of those "strikes". He was merely saying that if he had any left, he was going to use that to help "repair" the damage that he has done. He knows this is the last straw of being deceptive where money is concerned.

I'm an open book to him and I'm hoping that by MY being that way, he will see that it's not really that difficult. I left him with what I had printed off from this site this morning before leaving for work. I hi-lited what was most important to ME - hoping he would absorb that more so than just reading the black and white words...

What is he "showing" as of now? Nothing new from the day before. It's not been enough time. He's always been so considerate in other areas that the money issue/lying seems to be his major hangups - his only hangups from my perspective. I couldn't have asked for a more compatible spouse.

To let you in on him, he is always opening up car doors, doing household chores without being asked, cooking dinner before I get home, cleaning up after dinner and having me sit and relax, filling my car with gas without my asking, cleaning out my car, and not to forget his taking such good care of his mother - and I could list more but by now you should have an idea of him... He's never raised his voice to me and has NEVER used foul language during our "discussions".

He's dang near perfect...it's just these 2 "behaviors" that he needs "help" with - the lying and the money deception.


What is his "plan of action?" He's given me his credit card information, I have his email account, I have online access to his phone bill, I have access to his laptop, we have his payroll directly deposited into our account. I take care of the bills. He's not been offended about the "reading" material that I've left him, and has NEVER been opposed to going to our counselor.

Right now, all I can hope for is: that he does do the work of correcting his mistakes - by showing thru actions AND his words, embraces the learning experience of it all, and truly understands what his mistakes have caused us.

Have you discovered the extent of the debts? I can't remember all the details, but have you been given proof of all the debts you were suspicious about? Are those debts manageable?

Yes, very manageable. $800 on the credit cards and $500 for the cash advance. The cash advance had come out of our account already as it was like a "payday cash advance". And, because I have access to his credit report and credit cards, I believe this to be it.

I guess what frustrates me the most is: he hasn't felt "comfortable" coming to me first before things spiral out of control...

I'm not opposed to helping any one of his kids or my kids. I just need a heads up as to what's going on. I discussed with him that if it's his son who has Aspberger's is the one needing the money because he can't handle his own money, then we need to have a plan of attack...again, I just need to know whats going on. Or, if its the same "kid" that is needing money, there needs to be an answer as to how to fix the problem so it's not a continual problem. Mainly a "budget" issue...

Now, because he has taken a different job, he will be making more money...just about double. He has told me to withhold whatever it is that I need to withhold to replenish our savings.

Then I would suggest making him comfortable in coming to you;


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5016_qa.html

I have given up the "nagging" and "complaining" as I have grown to know that this does not help at all.

I did tell him yesterday that I will not be hashing and re-hashing the issues. We just need to move forward. Learn from "our" mistakes and wipe the slate clean.

Thanks for all the responses!

Have you seen this?
When Should you tell your spouse "We Have A Problem"

Yes, this was part of the material that I printed off for him. I read thru it yesterday...

He and I will meet back up tonight after work and I'm sure have a discussion.

Okay, now that shows action on his part!


Is he going to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement?


You know that most counselors don't agree with what Marriage Builders does, right?

I sure hope he follows the POJA. He's leading me to believe that he will.

I have found a fabulous counselor and have total confidence in her. Between MB and her, I know we can get back on track - given the "willingness" of one another. Right now, we are BOTH on board with getting things back on track and that can sometimes be half the battle.

There are no guarantees, but at least he seems willing to work on things and how could I give up now?

You know that most counselors don't agree with what Marriage Builders does, right?

I will have to dig a little deeper with my counselor and ask her if she's ever heard of MB. She comes off as being so pro-marriage, work on issues together, find the solutions that work (poja?) that I find her very compatible with the MB website.

I have been going to her for about 10 years. Yes, my first marriage failed, but it was due to something that was beyond my control. We were too young and held different religious beliefs and he was gone most of the time for his job...I held out for 19 years on that one.

Can you afford to call the coaching center?

Does she believe in sustained romantic love throughout a lifetime of marriage?

Romantic Love: Is it a Realistic Goal for Marital Therapy?

Of the three counselors Prisca and I went to before Marriage Builders, I asked the best one if he believed in this, and he just said it happens "sometimes." He said he was aware of Marriage Builders, His Needs Her Needs, etc., but bragged that he used an "eclectic" approach. The one before that actually gave us copies of pages out of Marriage Builders books, but she never talked about romantic love at all, and all she did was try to set up chore schedules for us to coexist with each other.

None of these guys saved our marriage or gave us any sustained benefit or changes. But they all bragged about their eclectic approach and how they mixed His Needs Her Needs in with other stuff. That seems to be a recipe for disaster.

Have you read Dr. Harley's article about marriage counselors?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html

I guess at this point, I don't feel the need to. I have gotten my expectations across to my husband and now I'm thinking it's just a matter of him proving to me that he can be trusted. He knows that if something like this were to EVER come up again, it would not end well.

My husband is so very different from any other man I have met. He comes off as being very willing to ensure my happiness. I just feel we hit a snag - but are on the road to fixing it...

I know these were big "issues (lying/money), but I almost feel like I've blown it out of porportion and maybe should've just tried handling it on our own instead of posting.

On the other hand, I've printed off all my posts/threads since January and have given them to him to read. This may REALLY make him stop and think because those words I wrote, were not written thinking he would be reading them. So, the absolute truth from me comes out to complete strangers here on MB and yet he is able to read them and see what kind of "damage" he has done. Also, some of the replies I received even threw me for a loop (divorce him). So, I'm sure with his reading THAT, it must have had some sort of impact on him, I would think.

I know he doesn't want to lose me. I know how he was living before I met him. I know the struggles he's had to go thru. i know the sacrifices he's made. I'm not making "excuses" for him but I do think he's realized the enormity of his mistakes. Will he repeat them? I sure hope not. Am I confidnet that he won't. I sway more towards YES than I do NO.

I have not. I will print off and read more in detail when i can. I briefly skimmed it over just now. Again, I just feel very comfortable with the counselor that I have found and wouldn't even want to look for another one elsewhere. I had been to several (one time appointments due to not feeling it about them) that I never went back for a second session. With her, like I said, I have been going to her for 10 years - off and on depending on what's going on in my life.

Again, with that being said, I think between MB and her, we can get thru this.

Thank you for the link. As I said, I will print it off and read it over. I may even bring it (along with some other printouts) with me to my next session.