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But if he is willing to be on board why not call the coaching center?
They give you both plans to work on and guide you. Wouldn't have a coach giving you both plans be a good thing?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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My husband is so very different from any other man I have met. He comes off as being very willing to ensure my happiness. But will he commit to POJA? Hoping he does will not get you anywhere. Will he commit to it? You need to know this. My husband is very willing to ensure my happiness, too, but I KNOW this because of what he has committed to. I see a lot of hoping on your part, and a lot less substance on his.
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If my husband would not tell me that he would commit to POJA, that would be a major deal breaker.
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Does she believe in sustained romantic love throughout a lifetime of marriage? This is something I will have to ask her! My husband and I have actually talked about this very subject a while back. He and I both believe that it is absolutely vital for a relationship. Not sure if I had mentioned this in this thread or another, but I had been on cloud 9 with my husband since the day I met him - we corresponded for 5 months before meeting. I have known him now for almost 4 years. I was just recently bumped off my "cloud" back in October and have been trying to figure out a way of getting it back. Do I think it's possible? Maybe. Maybe not Cloud 9. I may end up on Cloud 7. But, I was never on a cloud that high when I was married. I didn't even know it existed. Again, I think we just hit a bump in the road and it was one we/I/he didn't know how to exactly handle. That's where I believe the "learning" comes in. Sometimes we need to experience the problem first hand before we can really know the course to take to fix it...
I breathe in, I breathe out, put one foot in front of the other...
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If my husband would not tell me that he would commit to POJA, that would be a major deal breaker. I really haven't had the chance to really find out. This is all basically new to him/us...at least to this extent. We have not had any major issues in the 2 years we have been married. I will ask him tonight! And, you are correct, it should be a deal breaker.
I breathe in, I breathe out, put one foot in front of the other...
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Again, I think we just hit a bump in the road and it was one we/I/he didn't know how to exactly handle. That's where I believe the "learning" comes in. Sometimes we need to experience the problem first hand before we can really know the course to take to fix it... I'd start by listening to those who've been there, and are now in recovered marriages living on Cloud 9 every day! Instead of telling us how your ideas are better or just as good, or downplaying your husbands behavior. 
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We have not had any major issues in the 2 years we have been married. You're pulling the wool over your own eyes, Hon. He had an EA, after only being married for 2 years. That is a major issue.
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But if he is willing to be on board why not call the coaching center? I guess if he is willing to be on board, we post here if we need to, we schedule an appointment with our counselor who already has my/his history, and we take it from there. I suppose if SHE wasn't working out so well and we didn't have this MB resource, and he was not working with me in regards to fixing our problems, I would consider it. I almost want to say in regards to our counselor: why "fix that part if it's not broke" if we both feel it's working with her? Again, this all so very new to us (having issues) that we haven't really gotten down to the meat and potatoes of MB together. I have known for some time about this site (2005) but didn't allow my husband the same. I now know I should have involved him from the get go, because these issues may have been preventable. I am going away from work today with more printed material and we will be able to sit down tonight after dinner and go over...I'm actually excited about all the postings, all the suggestions and all the insights I've received today. I feel a great relief than when I did earlier in the week (for whatever reason). It may because of the things I'm hearing him say to me in regards to our relationship and the fact that it's all out on the table for discussion...
I breathe in, I breathe out, put one foot in front of the other...
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You're pulling the wool over your own eyes, Hon. He had an EA, after only being married for 2 years. That is a major issue. I honestly did not see it coming. I was totally blind-sided on that one, and yes it is a major issue. After having access to his email, I no longer see that as a threat. Is it still an issue? Absolutely. It will more than likely always be an issue in the sense that he did it once, will he do it again? This is where the trust has got to be restored. The EA was not ongoing like the money and lying about the money is concerned (imho). I feel he is understanding what is at stake if an EA were to ever happen again. I can't fix things overnight. I can't feel like I'm getting bashed for doing what I feel is in my/our best interest - in regards to incorporating my own counselor. I've appreciated all the feedback. I guess I was wanting a little more "that-a-girl, do what you think works best for you, but know that we at MB will be there if it shouldn't work out for you"...
I breathe in, I breathe out, put one foot in front of the other...
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Diamond, nobody is bashing you. We just want to help you have the best odds of success.
What you think is best may not be what's actually best, so if there's a big Mack truck bearing down on you and you are in danger, we'd like you to know, rather than hand out atta-girls for staying in the road.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Instead of telling us how your ideas are better or just as good, or downplaying your husbands behavior I never once said that my ideas were better or just as good. I was merely pointing out what I felt was best for US and that I thought our counselor should be given the benefit of the doubt. I don't like driving on busy highways. Does that mean that the backroads won't get me to the same destination? It may take longer, but the scenery may be something I've never experienced before and I may come away with having an alternate route on my commute to work. Would that route work for everyone? Probably not. Some might not want to take the added time because their schedules are so busy and hectic. Do I fault them? No. I'm not down playing his behavior. I'm just excited that he's so willing to move forward with me in fixing things. He's realized the mistakes he's made. Am I going to keep harping on him about them? No - because that won't fix things. I just want a solution and to have a preventative maintanence plan in place. MB to me meets those 2 ideals - along with a side dose of our counselor. From some of the other threads I've followed, I don't know how any of them survive some of the things their spouses have put them thru. But to those of you that have survived, you are to be commended. But somewhere down the line: "you did it your way" with the "coaching" and "material" you felt would get you to the recovery stage. Do I read more than Dr. Harley's books. Yes. I have several authors that I turn to when it warrants.
I breathe in, I breathe out, put one foot in front of the other...
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Diamond, not all marriage counseling roads lead to the same destination.
It is really not all the same.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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From some of the other threads I've followed, I don't know how any of them survive some of the things their spouses have put them thru. But to those of you that have survived, you are to be commended. But somewhere down the line: "you did it your way" with the "coaching" and "material" you felt would get you to the recovery stage. Most of us are here because we did it our way, and doing it our own way ruined our marriages. We had no idea what to do, and it was only when we quit doing it our way and let ourselves be coached into doing it the way that worked that things got better.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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What you think is best may not be what's actually best, so if there's a big Mack truck bearing down on you and you are in danger, we'd like you to know, rather than hand out atta-girls for staying in the road. I appreciate the concern. I guess I just want to feel like I'm on the right track, and only when I have veered off or am in danger, I would like more help. Lol. I don't feel like I'm in danger of being hit by a mack truck. I guess I'm just to the point of wanting to take baby steps. Look back, make sure I'm making progress, and then take a few more, look back again and then maybe take some bigger leaps. If I find I'm not gaining ground, at least I haven't travelled to far that I can't take a couple steps back and head another direction. I like comfort, I don't like change. I'm open to suggestions such as the material here on the site. But when it comes to the counseling, I just feel like mine is going to measure up. But would not even consider not incorporating the material I have found here. It has been something that has gotten me to where I am today...able to work on issues and not sweep them under the rug, hoping they will disappear. I'm a much better person due to finding MB way back when...
I breathe in, I breathe out, put one foot in front of the other...
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I'm in a dilemma. I was given "good" reason to begin snooping on my husband when he got "caught" texting back in October. He denied a first, then came clean. I started snooping thru his emails ever since to make sure his "friend" was no longer in the picture.
***His to her***
hi, just wanted to say hi and go packers. wanted you to know i still think about the what ifs..................i know probably shouldnt say that but i do anyway. hope your doing great.
how about a drink sometime ***
***Her Response***
Funny, i do also, think about the what ifs. How are you? I would consider meeting u for a drink, but arent you married? Dont know if that would be a good idea. Would be the same situation as before, you know? ***
There was a line or two of idle chit-chat that I didn't include. Anyway, that is what sparked my snoopiness and it hasn't let up.
I do believe he is no longer in contact. However: I have been finding things in his email that suggest he has not been truthful. He's opened a bank account, has gotten a credit card or maybe 2 and has a new account for a cell phone. I also know that he deletes his "history" not only on his laptop, but also on MY IPad. Now, I'm continually checking my IPad to see if yet another day has gone by that it's been erased.
The cell phone may actually be for his son, but within our discussions, he ademently claimed he was telling me everything in regards to what was going on in his life.
His credit is shot, he owes on his taxes and is in the process of going to a bankruptsey lawyer in a couple of weeks.
My dilemma? I've placed myself in a situation that I don't know how to confront him with my knowledge of the bank account/credit card/cell phone.
I never had ANY reason whatsoever to distrust him before in the past. Now I feel the trust has been so totally blown, I don't know where to turn or what to do...or how to confront... Diamond, could you explain what was going on with the EA, to save me re-reading your earlier thread, please? Who was this woman? How did they meet? How did it end? Is there a means by which they could be seeing each other still? (I'm sorry my memory is so bad. Is she a teacher and your H works for the school board, or is that someone else?)
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Most of us are here because we did it our way, and doing it our own way ruined our marriages. We had no idea what to do, and it was only when we quit doing it our way and let ourselves be coached into doing it the way that worked that things got better. That is why i would incorporate MB in with my counselor - I'm not totally doing it my way. I have the MB resources to guide me - which may have been lacking for others who have landed here. I don't know how she would feel about the MB site. But, I can't very well judge her without first finding out. If she were opposed or tried swaying me in another direction, I wouldn't be seeing her. I think part of the battle is that both parties need to be willing to work towards a solution. If you don't have both people on board, it definately won't work. My husband is willing. And maybe, I feel like I would be pushing too much on him if I didn't pursue both avenues...MB and our counselor - who he is familiar with. That seemed to be the case in my previous relationship (engaged). I pushed too much information from this site, I wanted to remedy the problem too quickly, and he sorta choked and said I was putting too much on him in regards to the material here. Am I sorry I did that? Nope. Why? Because I believe the material here is vital...but only if you are willing to listen to it.. I've listened. I know that it can make a relationship better. You just need to have the other person on board as well. I will let the thread calm down for a few days and post early next week. By then, we will have had our discussion as to the material he took with him, the material I have printed out today, and the weekend will be over and we will be in a brand new week. :-) Again, thank you all for taking the time to respond back to me. I truly do appreciate the feedback...whether it feel like it's a little bit of bashing...(nothing I can't handle :-)
I breathe in, I breathe out, put one foot in front of the other...
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in the professional world, employees have attitudes and behaviors and i have always been a firm believer that it is very difficult to change someones attitude but one can change behavior by holding people accountable for their actions. First of all, if you have only been married 2 years and have no kids I would not to save this marriage if there is money and faithfullness issues. You will be buildign the rest of your life on sand. BUT if you want to try, you could say "Okay, if an employee had a performance review such that they are not meeting expectations, they would get a performance improvement plan if they want to stay at the company. Here is your plan: You give me all of your credit and debit cards. I will be putting all my salary into a separate bank account. I will still have access to yours. We will be paying bills such as <tell him a plan>. We will make a budget that we both agree to. You will also not spend any time alone with women be it at work or at home. IF you are not coming straight home from work, you will call me to let me know what you are doing. Yes, this is a lot, but you have destroyed my trust and you have to build it back up. <add more stuff here if you want> If you agree, we can continue trying to repair our marriage. If you don�t, then we can�t and I would ask you to make plans to move out.�
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That is why i would incorporate MB in with my counselor - I'm not totally doing it my way. I have the MB resources to guide me - which may have been lacking for others who have landed here. No, others who have landed here have not been lacking that. We see this all the time, Diamond. Some of us have even experienced it. It is VERY common to try to mix MB with traditional marriage counseling. It doesn't work. Marriage Counseling fails 80% of the time. Mixing it with MB will only dilute the MB program, making it LESS effective. You're not telling us anything that we haven't seen or experienced for ourselves. If she were opposed or tried swaying me in another direction, I wouldn't be seeing her. You know MB well enough to know when she is doing that? But I thought you said this was all new to you ... I appreciate the concern. I guess I just want to feel like I'm on the right track, and only when I have veered off or am in danger, I would like more help. Lol. I don't feel like I'm in danger of being hit by a mack truck. We're not going to lie to you just to make you feel like you're on the right track.
Last edited by Prisca; 06/13/12 12:57 PM.
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Diamond, could you explain what was going on with the EA, to save me re-reading your earlier thread, please?
Who was this woman? How did they meet? How did it end? Is there a means by which they could be seeing each other still?
(I'm sorry my memory is so bad. Is she a teacher and your H works for the school board, or is that someone else? My husband was working for a school district as the Food Service Director. This woman was a mother to one of the kids there at the school - I don't think she was a teacher. They met while he was on an outing with the school at a state park - he was cooking for the kids. They struck up a conversation. He gave her his email, she contacted him. He contacted back with idle chit chat and I found it. I confronted him. He denied that anything was going on. Conversation took place between him and I about how inappropriate it was - what the outcome could be (divorce). He sent her back an email as I watched him, stating that he had made a mistake and that he was happily married. I have not seen anything since then. He did not open up a bank account - it was the credit card. The phone was for his son. I don't believe they are in contact any longer as he has taken a job that is about 1.5 hours away and is in a completly different environment. He didn't take this job due to that. He took it because he had worked there before and there was an opening. He has said from day one that he hated his job at the school and had been looking at getting back to where he was...a state job.
Last edited by Diamond5143; 06/13/12 01:11 PM.
I breathe in, I breathe out, put one foot in front of the other...
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Diamond, Prisca is exactly right. We experienced this, and we experienced it bad. I showed up here thinking I was "doing Marriage Builders" and wondering why it wasn't working. It wasn't working because I didn't know what I was doing, and I certainly wasn't doing Marriage Builders! I totally lacked the expertise to tell what was good and what was bad advice.
I understand that you want to feel good. But I think what several people are saying to you on this thread is that you have good reason to be worried. Emotional infidelity and financial dishonesty in the first two years of marriage are not a good sign, and it is probably going to take more than baby steps on the part of your husband to pull out of that.
I'm sorry if that's an unpleasant opinion for you to face. You don't have to agree, of course, but we are all worried for you and want you to be realistic, cautious, and guarded. We have seen many women be the exact opposite and award trust before it is due, without enough evidence, without enough safeguards, without extraordinary precautions. Since that leads to misery, and since we'd like for you to avoid that, we have to warn you that there appears to be a serious Mack truck bearing down on you, here.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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