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I want to send the following to the OW today. Please advise!
Dear OW,
Imagine your husband going to sleep New years eve and you follow him to bed 30 mins later after saying goodnight to your children. Now imagine coming into the bedroom and seeing his phone light up in the darkness and see that a text has come in from some woman he works with. Now imagine, out of curiosity, scrolling back and reading texts between your husband and this other woman that were flirtatious, with cussing, slang terms, and unprofessional, non work related discussions. Now imagine your entire world shattering when you discover what you think is most likely a physical affair between your beloved husband and this woman based on the way they speak to each other.
Imagine not knowing what to do because you are fully supported by your husband because he has asked you to leave your career to stay home and raise your small toddler. And the fear that you will lose it all and not only lose your true love, but also your home and children because you believe your husband is having an affair.�
Now that, OW, is what I will define as "hurtful". Not the letter that my husband agreed to send to end your emotional affair with him. You have NO IDEA the pain you caused my family with the carelessness of your texting. You DID cross a line, just as my husband said in his email. �I have read your texts with MY HUSBAND. You two crossed a line. We hold solid evidence of that in our hands.�
NOTHING in that email that my husband sent you you on Feb 21 was "offensive, unprofessional, and hurtful," unless you are wrapped up in the fog of an emotional affair with my husband. So maybe him cutting off your relationship with him did hurt you. You spent hours and hours texting him, so I am sure you missed him when he locked you out.�
My�husband requested that you contact him in an professional way via business email or phone. You broke that by sending yet another unprofessional text to him yesterday. Everything you said in your text backs up the fact that you were conducting an emotional affair with my husband. What kind of reply were you hoping to get? An apology and then a rekindling of your relationship? Shameful, OW, evil and shameful.
Do not interfere in our marriage ever again. If you do, �we will file a restraining order. You may want to read up on proper business etiquette or else you may be unemployable in the future when you repeat this offense again.�
All my best to you and BH,
BW
Your text to MY husband:
"Since I am not a corp employee anymore, I thought I would let you know that your email was offensive, unprofessional and hurtful. I have NEVER insinuate
d anything inappropriate to you, I have NEVER acted in an unprofessional way to you. The hurtful part is that, as a mom and wife, I always asked you abo
ut BW and your children and always wished the best for them, even wanted to try to help with info for school for your son. All my best to you and
your family going forward and hope you accomplish your professional goals as well. You won't hear from me again. OW" Nonononono! Cut out most of that and send "Do not interfere in our marriage ever again. If you do, we will file a restraining order. " Mrs (married surname). Do not wish her the best.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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PS: I answered your query about Steve Harley. Since you did not acknowledge it I do not know if you've seen it.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Oh no SugarCane, I missed your reply. We have an appointment now tomorrow at 6 am, but I am still discouraged that he hasn't replied to any of my 3 emails. I'll address it with him tomorrow. I needed major support 24 hours ago when that woman broke NC. I'm still having major anxiety and panic attacks.
I won't send my above rant, most likely. But she needs to see what she did. All she cares about is the hurt she felt. No clue what she did to my family and my kids. She's a homewrecker and she thinks it is all a joke.
Last edited by TinT; 06/13/12 01:09 PM. Reason: typos
TinT--Trouble in Texas
Me: 40
Husband: 38
Married for 17 years
Together for 20 years
DD15
DS13
DS4
H's EA discovered 1/1/12
Caller on radioshow 5/8/12
Been in counseling with SHarley since 5/17/12
On the road to recover my marriage
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Do not send that email!!!
The denial means that your husband's no contact letter hit home and she is deeply ashamed. She knows that you know that she knows...
The important part is that she will comply with no contact.
Let it lie right there. Further correspondence from you or your husband will just keep the denial cycle going.
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Do not send that email!!!
The denial means that your husband's no contact letter hit home and she is deeply ashamed. She knows that you know that she knows...
The important part is that she will comply with no contact.
Let it lie right there. Further correspondence from you or your husband will just keep the denial cycle going. What do you mean? She says she never did anything wrong and HE hurt her by telling her to stop texting him and make the relationship professional. This letter I wrote today (rant), would be my justification when she claims that I am a crazy jealous wife making up an EA between she and my husband. She is currently denying anything inappropriate.
TinT--Trouble in Texas
Me: 40
Husband: 38
Married for 17 years
Together for 20 years
DD15
DS13
DS4
H's EA discovered 1/1/12
Caller on radioshow 5/8/12
Been in counseling with SHarley since 5/17/12
On the road to recover my marriage
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Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
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This letter I wrote today (rant), would be my justification when she claims that I am a crazy jealous wife making up an EA between she and my husband. She is currently denying anything inappropriate. TinT. You are mistaking OW for a reasonable person who cares about others. Don't send that letter because you will get NO satisfaction from her. OW is in save her own butt mode and will stop at nothing to throw you under the bus and avoid blame. A letter from you trying to educate her on boundaries will not work because OW does not care about you. It just opens the door for OW to respond to you with something like...well your WH just needed someone to talk to because you weren't there for him. If you think you are mad now just wait for her to start this babble once you open that door. Store what you wrote on that letter on your internal hard drive and use it on OW BH and her Mother if they contact you and are unbelieving. This will give you the most power. You also need to go NC for life with OW.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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She says she never did anything wrong. Which is blatantly untrue. We must either conclude she is a) clinically insane or b) desperately rewriting history because she winces at this accurate description of her whorish behaviour. She winces. At the truth she cannot bear to admit. ALL waywards justify. To ease their conscience. Are they batting their eyelids while encouraging their AP to put down his wife? Then its 'just a friendship' because they talk about spouses. Justification. Excuses. Whatever. Its all guilt. But this is the important part. SHE IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS! She never had any place in your marriage and has no place in your head now. Toss out the trash and get to work pretending she never existed. The mess in her head is her BHs concern, once he is clued up. Its not your mess to clear up.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Thank you pokerface and indiegirl! After I wrote this today, put it into my story, I felt so much relief. My anxiety went way down. I think I was second guessing myself about the content of their texts. But recalling how I discovered it and the reasons I reacted the way I did makes me sure that exposure and insistence on no contact for life is justified.
I want to rid my mind of her. And I was doing so until the witch contacted him. More discussion will be taking place with my H tonight.
Thank you all so much! Please continue to comment. I really am feeling awful and have an appt with my doc for AD's Friday. Tomorrow my daughter gets some of her stitches out. She's just now starting to eat after surgery and I'm still dosing her with meds every 3 to 4 hours around the clock. It has been over 6 months since Dday and I want a normal life again.
Thanks again,
TinT
TinT--Trouble in Texas
Me: 40
Husband: 38
Married for 17 years
Together for 20 years
DD15
DS13
DS4
H's EA discovered 1/1/12
Caller on radioshow 5/8/12
Been in counseling with SHarley since 5/17/12
On the road to recover my marriage
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Posts: 12,357
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I just hit send on the exposure letter via facebook to the OW's BH. Thought I'd feel relieved...maybe that comes later. Well done!  Did you give him contact info in case he needs to contact you?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Just crazy she would text him 3 and a half months later. I'll ask you this again, because I don't think you answered (if you did, my apologies in advance) Why have you not changed your WH's cell phone number??
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Because I'm a doormat? He has blocked her number as of yesterday. I never insisted because he has always told me i have overreacted about the whole thing. I guess I started thinking maybe I had.
Is this something I should insist on so I don't feel like I have to check his cell phone records 3 times a day?
Last edited by TinT; 06/13/12 08:41 PM.
TinT--Trouble in Texas
Me: 40
Husband: 38
Married for 17 years
Together for 20 years
DD15
DS13
DS4
H's EA discovered 1/1/12
Caller on radioshow 5/8/12
Been in counseling with SHarley since 5/17/12
On the road to recover my marriage
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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If he changes his work email, she will get it right away. He owns a franchise and all the owners have a web page off the franchise's main page. He needs to get a new cell phone number for this and give that phone to you. You'll have to forward all of his business calls to him. And if she does call his phone, you'll get the message. And YOU'LL return the call. 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I am making it clear that he will expose his affair to his employees, and they are to tell her to never call the office again and hang up on her. Then they will tell him and he will call me to report. If she calls the office number (he never answers his office phone) I am going to get a restraining order, so help me God.
She is blocked on his work email. He'll never know if she emails him.
He will block her from his personal email tonight.
She is blocked on his cell phone. Will discuss number change with Steve in the AM.
I have her siblings's Facebook pages as well as aunts and cousins. She does not have a Facebook page, but I noticed last night she posted on her Mom's status update using her husband's page. So I'm wondering if she intercepted the exposure Facebook email I sent him. Should I resend it? Mail it? Call their home?
TinT--Trouble in Texas
Me: 40
Husband: 38
Married for 17 years
Together for 20 years
DD15
DS13
DS4
H's EA discovered 1/1/12
Caller on radioshow 5/8/12
Been in counseling with SHarley since 5/17/12
On the road to recover my marriage
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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Call their home. Phone is always best
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Call their home. Phone is always best I second this. Do it sooner rather than later so you can start to put this behind you. Exposure should be done like a tsunami, sudden and unexpected. This helps it have more effect on the OW, and also allows you to start focussing on recovering your marriage, rather than a skank who is not worth your thoughts.
Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.
WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.
Plan B has set me free.
"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Can you do it in person? If not you need to call OW's BH on phone.
Do it today. I'm sure OW intercepted your message. Waywards are very sneaky.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Okay, so we had our next session with Steve. We discussed at length the issue with the xo email from his female collegue as well as the text from OW. We also discussed at length his explanation for why the EA happened. Steve said that H needs to be sure and able to tell me that it was because he did not have the protections in place to keep others from making deposits in his LB. Not place blame on me like he did by saying that one of the reasons is because I didn't meet his EN. So I don't know what he said to H, but I'm hoping the explantion from H will go better next time.
Steve and I discussed at length whether or not a no contact letter should be sent at this point by my H. He says it is important to think about whether benefit of the message that is being sent outweighs the negative of the response she will need to give him to cover herself from a potential sexual harrassment lawsuit. I want to be clear that their texts only once had a sexual connotation. She called him a "freakin stud" and he responded with "stroke stroke". Within a week of that I told him I knew about their texting and told him to stop it immediately. Steve thinks that she may be trying to cover herself and she'll never admit anything was wrong due to the fact that she was his mentor and there will be fallout when he sends this letter.
So I am 90% sure I want him to send it to send a clear message to her that he wants no more contact from her ever again. The other part of me is scared to send it because I don't want to open up another can of worms. I want it to go away.
What do you vets think about it? Is his lack of response to her, "You won't hear from me again." enough of a message to her that he doesn't want any contact? Or rather, here is the better question: Can you help me weigh the pros and cons of leaving it alone and not sending anything ever again vs him sending a no contact letter?
Last edited by TinT; 06/14/12 08:20 AM.
TinT--Trouble in Texas
Me: 40
Husband: 38
Married for 17 years
Together for 20 years
DD15
DS13
DS4
H's EA discovered 1/1/12
Caller on radioshow 5/8/12
Been in counseling with SHarley since 5/17/12
On the road to recover my marriage
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
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Well Steve has a good point about the possible harassment charge.
On that note your WH did already sent a NC note and she broke NC.
I think if you concentrate on getting a hold of her BH and along with your proof you tell her BH that my WH asked for NC and she broke it.
Then you're sending a two fold message to her. KWIM?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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In addtion to my above questions, I wanted to report that my H has exposed his EA to his first employee. Two more to go. I asked him to record the conversation so I can hear what he said and know what she knows.
He asked that if the OW calls his office line, she is to tell her she is not to call his office ever again and then hang up. She was shocked because the OW is overweight and I am a fit person. She agrees to hang up and then report to husband.
Anyway, I feel relieved because I feel like this is a huge step made by him to protect our marriage and make it safer for me! I feel soooo much better today.
Also, we have decided that he will send OW a true no contact letter.
Thanks for all your help and support! Hugs!!
TinT
TinT--Trouble in Texas
Me: 40
Husband: 38
Married for 17 years
Together for 20 years
DD15
DS13
DS4
H's EA discovered 1/1/12
Caller on radioshow 5/8/12
Been in counseling with SHarley since 5/17/12
On the road to recover my marriage
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Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
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He asked that if the OW calls his office line, she is to tell her she is not to call his office ever again and then hang up. She was shocked because the OW is overweight and I am a fit person. She agrees to hang up and then report to husband. TinT. Can she bypass WH and report the contact to you? I am guessing that you are also an owner of this franchise?
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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